Bunny

My bf technically still has his own place, but pretty much lives with me. He did this v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y, but I did have some feelings of discomfort along the way, like- why is he over here so much?! I was really starting to enjoy the freedom and luxury that is living alone. (But then, I’m basically a social introvert- I can go a week not speaking to anyone, then attend a party and be very happily social.) The thing is- he really wanted more time together and I wanted to make him happy so I let it happen and I’ve gotten used to it. I know that sounds unromantic to some, but I don’t see it that way. I notice this time around living with someone I’m much clearer with my boundaries and what I want/expect from him and from myself. I learned from my marriage what I liked and didn’t like. And, I dunno, maybe widowhood has made me somewhat aloof; maybe more suspicious of feeling someone is trying to control me? This is who I am right now, we’re all works in progress. I really wanted to be married when I was 30. I just don’t have that same ‘need’ now in my 50s. I could quite happily never get married again, even as I can also say this is the person I intend to spend the rest of my life with. He’s never been married and he would love to get married, he’s made that clear. But I have made it clear that the price of admission for being in a relationship with me is my total devotion to him without any formal commitment. So far, he wants to be with me enough to accept that. People ask occasionally, but I’ve never felt any real pressure so I guess I’m lucky there. I know there is the whole ‘life is short!’ school of thought, but I’m with you- there’s plenty of time, why rush into anything?! Just enjoy the here and now, be present and content with the joy in each current moment because worrying about the future can steal happiness. Or, just tell him- financially- you can’t get married until after 60, when you can then start to collect on your husband’s SS 😉 hey, every penny counts, right?

Yeah... a lot of men think women are lying or exaggerating when we tell them what it’s like for us out there. I haven’t done the on-line, or really dated since the 90s, but I remember how incredibly bold/aggressive/crude men could be in person -and (sometimes) quite hateful/intimidating when you weren’t interested. I can only imagine what hiding behind technology emboldens them to say and do nowadays. I remember reading a funny article about a man who posed as a woman on an on-line dating site just to see what all that complaining was about, and prove they were just being over-exaggerating whiners. He lasted a mere 2 hours before he shut it down in horror. Ha!

I obsessed, for months, on all the ways I let him die. I was fortunate I had friends willing to listen to my guilty confessions on how it was my fault he was dead- over and over again- the ways I was a bad wife...it was my way of processing, trying to make some kind of sense of, control of, the life that was gone from me forever. It took me a long time to forgive myself for letting him die, to realize it wasn’t actually my fault- and a longer time to forgive him for dying on me. For me, widowhood is like being shot straight into a parallel universe- I felt so removed from this world. You do eventually figure out how to navigate your way through, it just takes practice and time and patience. And a whole lot of heartache, I’m sad to say... Im so sorry you need to be here with us.

I’m so sorry. Both our pets have died now and it feels a loss beyond them dying that’s hard to articulate. They helped me through those first years so much... Our little family is down to just me. Another chapter closing.

It’s strange how I find the lead up days more difficult than the day itself. I don’t know why this is but seems common enough that I guess I feel ‘normal’ in my reaction. And yeah, the illogic of feeling abandoned when he had no desire to leave me...grief is so...weird.

I’m glad you decided to vent because you sound depressed- I know when I get into a depression how hopeless and helpless I feel about everything. The longer you wait to address this, the less energy you’ll have- apathy is setting in and it’s no wonder since it is currently your only means of escaping your frustration. It’s unfortunate that a lot of men just don’t understand the connection between a woman’s emotional happiness and the frequency of her wanting/being-enthusiastic-about sex. If they did, they would come home from a long day of work and happily get straight to helping with the cooking and cleaning! I’m sure none of them mean to be thoughtless and selfish, but it doesn’t change the fact that they all are. Of course, they’re all pleased with the current situation- who wouldn’t love to have a live-in maid so they didn’t have to do anything? The sad truth of the matter is that the bulk of household chores still falls unfairly onto the woman’s shoulders and somehow we think we’re being whiny (or are accused of it) when we complain. This seems especially true when a man makes more money than his partner. You were lucky your late husband understood all this, this current one is going to require some training on the subject. And I’m guessing it will not be quickly resolved so you are going to have to use your words many time- but don’t give it, you already see what lies in that direction. If you need a therapist to help you, get one- your mental health is important! I’m also childless, so I can only vaguely imagine how completely overwhelming it must be to suddenly have a house filled to the brim. It is definitely time to start that chore chart, with your husband bringing it up to the kids AND participating in said chores. I would start with everyone being in charge of their own laundry (including him), weekly sharing the cooking/cleaning up afterwards (including him)- and one meal only!!! This is not cruel- if need be, always have snacks available for those not wanting to share the meal. He needs to show you he has your back, that you are indeed a team, that he truly sees you and what you’re up against. But you have to tell him and give him a chance! I certainly wouldn’t get married until this is resolved. I have a friend in a similar situation and I can assure you a ring on her hand only ramped up her frustration!

I heard this quote on a podcast last weekend. Thought you all in this thread might also appreciate it: “ESTRAGON: I can't go on like this. VLADIMIR: That's what you think.” ― Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot i laughed so hard.

My husband and I were married a little over 15 years. We attended many family functions in both his mother’s and father’s families (they divorced when he was a toddler) and I got along with everyone. The only people to call me since he died are his parents and one of his dad’s cousins. His mom is quite toxic so I decided to cut off ties with her, but I’ve kept in touch with his dad and fraternal grandma. Well... last time I talked to her, last year, we were making sure she had my mailing address and she asked me what my last name was and then said my maiden name. That really hurt and I told her my last name, which is the same as hers. I think it doubly stung because she was also widowed young and has been someone I could talk to about widow stuff. I guess last year it just finally hit me, five years into this, that no one really considered me family anymore. I think the fact that we didn’t have children really cinched it for them. There is no ‘real blood’ to bind us. So, this last weekend, for the first time, I didn’t call his grandma on her birthday. I did still call his dad on his, even though it’s been years since he instigated one of our phone calls. I don’t know why I didn’t call, I just felt...detached? I didn’t call in June, like I usually do either. I’ve always been happy I took my husband’s name, but this year I’ve thought about changing it back to my maiden name. It just kinda sucks and the whole thing makes me feel bad and I just wanted to write it down somewhere in case someone else feels the same or close enough.

Thank you for your insights. ♥️ What’s interesting to me is how my relationship with him continues to change/evolve. Who knew that would happen with a dead person? Even all these years later...Not me.

This widow page’s predecessor is pretty much what turned me into a fatalist. Just reading all the ways people have lost their young partners, some of it so incredibly random, while other people who should have been long dead live on and on and on. ... Maybe it’s just the best way for me to emotionally handle it- ‘knowing’ our days are truly numbered. And I’m agnostic, don’t believe in heaven/hell, so it’s not like I see it from a religious perspective. My LH ‘s best friend told me LH used to get drunk in their youth and tell him ‘I’m going to die a slow, horrible, painful death’ This happened several times- said he always sounded so anguished about it. And he did die that way. I guess it was about a year before he was diagnosed, I had a very vivid dream about him dying. I remember the moment in the dream I realized he was trying to tell me he was already dead -it was agonizing and the pain woke me up. I immediately looked over to see him next to me, reading in bed, and I cried in his arms so hard and so long because it just felt so real.

I was shopping on Etsy just now and came across this tote bag- made me laugh. Should be given out to all new widows: https://www.etsy.com/listing/605499186/cloth-bag-fabric-bag-tote-shopping-bag?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=cloth totes&ref=sr_gallery-1-43 Disclaimer: i have no idea who the seller is. I’m not trying to sell the product. Just loved the quote!

I think sometimes problems occur when women treat men as if they are other women, when really they are much simpler beings; this can be used to one’s benefit once one accepts this fact. They like/need specific direction- hints or suggestions are just not good enough. They are usually quite terrible at ‘reading a room’. In the beginning of my own relationship, I noticed a tendency to ‘date like a wife’. So, when I saw a feeling of resentment creeping in over something, I had to force myself to use my words and advocate for myself- explain in a loving and calm way exactly what I needed from him, or what I would no longer be willing to do and why. It has gotten easier to do this over time and I feel like I’m in a much healthier relationship than my marriage because I’ve learned from my past mistakes. It feels like a much more equal partnership. I have a widow friend who stews to me about her new husband’s lack of help around the house, but can’t figure out why her passive/aggressive approach to him on the matter just isn’t working! It’s funny, at work she is in charge of many men, but at home can’t seem to spell out to her mate exactly what she is needing. Of course, he’s perfectly content- who wouldn’t want to come home and not lift a finger to cook or clean? Sign me up for that! He does seem rather dense on the flower thing, though. Perhaps, every time he brings them, you could say something like; ‘honey, I love that you bring me flowers, it makes me feel so cherished. I just wish you would choose ones that I wasn’t allergic to so I could enjoy them inside the house.’ Repeat this Every Single Time until he finally hears you and corrects the behavior. I would definitely start asking for help with preparing meals: could you please set the table for us, please make us a salad, please open that bottle of wine and pour me a glass, could you help me with these dirty dishes so we can both sit back and relax? Most men I know love to feel like a hero to the people they care about- but you have to (lovingly/patiently/compassionately) tell them how because they are really, really crappy mind-readers!

I feel very fortunate that one of the reasons I probably enjoy scarves so much now is my long, silver-streaked hair. I stopped dyeing it 8 years ago when my husband got sick. I must say, I love the way it sparkles now in the sunshine. It’s definitely a work in progress, but I am learning how to grow older as gracefully as I can. I still feel attractive, but also enjoy the invisibility that being over 50 affords to me. I walk in the world with so much ease now. It’s very freeing.

When I was married, I really loved wearing hats. Actually, I’ve loved wearing them for most of my life. But now - I’m much more likely to put a scarf in my hair. And, when I go thrift shopping, I’m always looking to add to my growing collection. I very rarely ever wore them on my head before being widowed. Weird.

i think my rings were finally and completely off my fingers a few months before the two year mark. I notice I’ve started wearing other rings instead, ones long-neglected in my jewelry box from before I was married. Maybe they keep me from feeling like my fingers are too ‘naked’?

This song has been in my head all month- last week was 6 years and the memorial service for a man my husband and I were friends with. I kinda feel like they’ve both been singing it to me:

What a bitch.

Your grace through grief has always been a blessing for me to witness over the years. Thank you for continuing to share your journey here with us.

I was a military brat for my entire childhood. I consider myself fortunate to have seen so much of the world at an early age. It was also difficult but I believe the gifts out-weigh the negatives. A few common characteristics of 3rd culture kids are; the ability to make friends quickly; the ability to cut people out their lives more easily; and a lifelong feeling of otherness/detachment/rootlessness I started reading up on this after I was widowed and certain parts of my personality make so much more sense to me now! And it does seem that widowhood has put some aspects into hyper-overdrive... it’s interesting.

Im not sure, but maybe the problem WW might be experiencing is something a lot of women can relate to- feeling the need to be nice and polite even when the man does not deserve it. Many girls are taught from a young age to be sweet and to placate boys. I have to say, in my younger years, I faced some serious hostility from men in response to my polite yet firm rejection of their overtures. It’s funny- and alarming- how a woman can go from the perceived status of goddess to whore in a matter of seconds to a spurred man’s eyes. A man who refuses to walk away even after its clear this is going nowhere. What’s that saying? Men are afraid of a woman laughing at them, women are afraid of a man killing them. It’s easy enough to say- just be honest, but some people make that reallllly fuckin’ hard to do. I have had to do some serious talkin’ to get out of a few very scary situations with men. Some of them can be quite aggressive or persistent, and have zero comprehension when it comes to reading a situation. Yes, use your words is good advice, but sometimes the other party remains stubbornly tone-deaf.

Very low energy today... I went to his memorial page on Facebook a while ago and saw that his best friend had posted a video interview of him talking about his car club. No idea this even existed. I have heard his voice but not seen him since he died, besides pictures. I...have no words to describe this experience. Listening to him say ‘my wife’, wow. So weird this was my life, and now... it’s not.

Well. An hour ago it officially became six years since he died. I stood in the room he died in and could not feel him with me at all. I was surprised by all my tears. The flashbacks. The ache. Does this happen every year and I just forget? I know I need therapy. I know this, and yet can find endless ways/reasons/excuses to keep putting it off. It’s a strange thing how completely open book I am with people and yet if I sense them try to take a step closer into my world I’ve suddenly built this impenetrable wall around myself. Like, whoa- don’t make the mistake of thinking we’ve bonded, people! I have no idea why I do this and can’t find the desire to change this character flaw. I am so grateful for the handful of old friends I don’t do this with. My bf kind of sucks at the comfort thing, but I get it- because I used to be like that. He tries, but honestly I wish he would just go away on anniversary days like this, because it’s just easier to fall apart in a quiet empty house, especially if falling apart entails just wanting to sit in a comfy chair and stare off into space for an hour or so. But I don’t tell him this because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I’m very thankful my jury duty got cancelled. Debating how to spend the day instead. Weeding the herb garden? Cleaning my horribly chaotic closet? I want to do absolutely nothing, but will attempt to overcome this urge. And here I thought I had no words today. Ha!

...but, then...on the other hand- I did sleep with my husband on our very first date. So, yeah, no judgment from me on people’s timeframes for hopping into bed! I guess my only general advice is; if you’re not into sex early on, just don’t do it. Yes, even when it’s handed to you on a shiny, inviting silver patter; because if you do, you’ve just proven you actually are into it -as long as you feel like you don’t have to take personal responsibility for your own actions in the matter. You can’t - honestly- look at someone with disapproval when you’re a participant. Skin hunger can make a widowed person feel insane. Can make us want to make bad decisions- or decisions unlike our old selves- that could hurt us, or the person we’re intimate with. I felt like a hormonal teenaged boy one year into widowhood. I wasn’t morally opposed to scratching that itch, I was just too emotionally damaged still to take care of business at that time.

We have a double plot, single headstone. Half his ashes are there, half scattered. I’ve already offered other half of plot to his BFF because they truly had the most beautiful friendship I’ve ever witnessed. I have zero desire to have my ashes buried, but if my SO had very strong feelings on the subject I would honor his wishes because, at this point, it’s impossible to hurt my dead husband’s feelings by not being next to him. But also- I have no children who might potentially find this upsetting. I just asked bf if he’d be upset about me being buried next to DH and he was fine with it, told me they were my remains so my decision. I’m a pretty practical and frugal person so if I was your fiancé I’d say - of course use that paid for plot! But she is obviously seeing it as symbolic of other things. And you sound like me in that you don’t want to feel like someone is trying to control you. So, basically, this has nothing to do with where you’re to be buried and everything to do with the dynamics of your relationship. Just talk to her about it more with an open heart...

A widow friend, early 50s, had to go see her doctor after she tried unsuccessfully- several times- to have sex with her new boyfriend. She hadn’t had sex in several years. The doctor was able to help remedy the matter. For me, even though I was craving sex, I just couldn’t do it until many make out sessions later. I wasn’t emotionally ready. My heart refused to let my body over-ride it’s reluctance. I found alcohol helpful.