patriciad

His name was Billy. I met him when I was just 19 years old. He was so much more wild than me but I just knew he was the one. A few bumps along the way. We broke up for 2 years and then found our way back to each other. From that point on I never let go. He was my love. The person who I could spend hours with and still want more. We saw eye to eye on just about everything. We knew each other to the core. We celebrated the good and held on to each other to get through the bad. He was the best friend I ever had. He has been gone six years today and I still miss him like it was yesterday. Pat

I am so sorry for your loss. ((((Hugs)))) Pat

"We were talking the other evening about the phrases one uses when trying to comfort someone who is in distress. I told him that in English we sometimes say "I've been there". This was unclear to him at first-I've been where? But I explained that deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope. "So sadness is a place?" Giovanni asked. "Sometimes people live there for years" I said Elizabeth Gilbert- Eat, Pray, Love

I can very much remember those same thoughts which you describe. I can remember in the early months looking out the window, anxious to see his car pull in the drive. I would see "him" in the street and follow him for a block.I thought of the clothes and decided that I would just buy him a new wardrobe. Those crazy, illogical thoughts. I never thought I was going crazy. I knew deep down that if I didn't absorb the real situation in baby pieces I would just crumble. I had to have tiny slivers of hope that this wasn't my new reality. I slowly gave them up, one by one. Denial was a wonderful, protective mechanism that I used to get through that terrible time. It is rather funny that I knew my thinking was irrational but at the same time so very necessary for my survival. So glad we can post this stuff here. There is no way anybody else would ever understand. Pat

I can remember when I was about 6 months out I went to group grief counseling. One thing that stuck with me was when the moderator said that we all suffer from guilt and anger when we experience loss. I felt guilty that I didn't push more when the doctors didn't listen to us 6 months before diagnosis when we told them DH was losing weight, was unusually tired and anemic. I felt guilty that I didn't push more when he had an isolated fainting spell a month before diagnosis and I didn't ask the dr for an mri (DH had met to the brain). I felt pretty angry about the way he received medical care before his diagnosis and I made sure those doctors knew how much their inattention to DH's symptoms caused a missed diagnosis. I don't believe it would have made a significant difference in the course of his disease but I feel that if we had known sooner, perhaps we would've used the time he had left differently. I did find myself, afterwards, feeling guilty about little things. Like rushing him out the door in the morning instead of lingering like he wanted to over a hug and kiss. I would die to have one of those hugs and kisses today. I felt guilty for not saying I love you more frequently even though he rarely said it but always showed it. It will be six years on Tuesday and I have learned to let the gilt, and the anger, go. It serves no purpose. But I don't hesitate to say "I love you" frequently these days and a hug and kiss are well worth being a couple of minutes late. So sad to learn things the hard way. Pat

They probably are dreams but I prefer to think of them as visits. I want to believe that he is still here in some sense-even if it is only when I close my eyes. Haven't had a visit in some time. When I do, I wake up with a smile on my face and the feeling that everything is going to be just fine. Pat

I recouped when I was 13 months out. I had been playing with online dating and had had 2 separate dates. I was feeling rather proud of myself that I could venture out into the dating world and hold my own. Not thrilled with anyone but impressed that I could actually date after all those years. I was contacted my my present husband on May 18-the exact day that I met my DH when I was just 19. We emailed, IMed and then spoke on the phone. I knew immediately that I liked him. We had our first date 10 days later. After that date, we saw each other or hung out on the phone together every night. Got married 2 years later. Never felt guilty for a minute. I had the most loving husband and I knew that there was no way he would want me to be alone. The kids accepted him. His kids accepted me. I felt like he was there to bring me back to life-and he did. After dating a couple of weeks, we start talking about birthdays. His is the day of my anniversary with my first husband. I kind of felt that it was a sign. He would just know how skittish I would be about letting someone into my life. I feel like it was his stamp of approval. Pat

Personally I think the coconut and lime wine is the best STERB so far. Very effective. Pat

((((MrsTim)))) I do remember well when I started dating my DH2( almost 5 years ago). I was an absolute crazy lady. I worried if he was late(turned out he is chronically late), if he had little things on his physical exams that required "a deeper look". One day, 2 months into our relationship, he gets word that he needs to follow up with a pulmonologist. Something looking not quite right on his CT scan. He was a 9/11 responder. My DH1 died of lung cancer. All I could think was that God could not possibly believe in irony and throw me that curve ball again. I prayed so hard and it turned out to be ok-something to keep and eye on. I think after having lived through what we have lived through we never look at life the same. I don't think that is going to go away-maybe fade a bit-but never go away. That carefree, naive feeling that everything will turn out all right all of the time is gone. We all know that it doesn't always work out that way. I have learned to try to live in the moment. To make plans but live for today. Life is so fragile and we all know how it can be ripped from us in a minute. But what is the alternative? I can not envision a life without people for me to love deeply. Sadly, grief is the very high price we pay for that. Take one day at a time. Be with him when he checks things out with a doctor. Be the nag when he doesn't. And after all that , understand it isn't in our hands. You deserve happiness and I guess you have to believe that, in order to take that giant leap back into the world of relationships. Let us know how everything turns out. He is in my prayers. Pat

I feel the same way. My new DH is a widower and his sadaversary is April 20-mine is the 28th. We don't talk too much about it. Know his daughter will always put up a pic of her mom on Facebook. My guys will usually offer a toast or an anecdote. But we never sit and talk about how much we really miss them. I know he would listen but I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I usually come here and read and then read some more. Occasionally post. I find comfort doing that. My new DH's birthday is the same date as my first wedding anniversary. It is very strange but it is what it is. Still celebrating the day but in a different way. Pat

I absolutely hate that expression. I remember long before my husband died when I struggling with my son having just been diagnosed with autism and his younger brother having developmental delays as well, speaking to my supervisor. She had become widowed in her 40's when her husband died of a sudden heart attack. We were talking about how sometimes it is so difficult to deal with the events that have stolen our dreams. And she said, "Pat, some people just have harder". I think of her when life gets really difficult especially when I start comparing my life to the rather rosy lives of my friends. I know they think they have their share of difficulties although for outward appearances they lead rather charmed lives. And I think of Jean and think, yes, some people just have it harder. No rhyme, no reason,no logic. Don't you kind of wish that instead of saying such a stupid line, someone would just say"It sucks". That is what comes to my mind when I think about things too much. Pat

The first year I went to see the marker(it ws placed on out anniversary) and then again at Christmastime. I now usually go sometime during the month that he died. My DS is very ritualistic and it is part of his "schedule" of things to do. He stands there and talks about all of the things he has done the previous year-friends, work, the status of the Yankees. It absolutely makes my heart start cracking all over again. I do not feel any sense of peace or closeness to him there and if it weren't for DS I don't know that I would go at all. I truly wish I could go and have chats and feel his presence. I usually come home and am in a dark place for a few days. Sometimes I truly wish I had gone with the cremation thing. I think it might have been easier to have had a piece of him with me right in my home. I still feel him here, see him here. This is not an easy road we travel. Pat

I am sorry to hear that the grief waves are hitting you. I agree with A Tout Jamais-oftentimes people look at us like we should kind of be "over it" by now. The triggers are always there-sometimes just below the surface. They catch me unexpectedly and it still hurts so deeply. ((((Hugs)))) Pat

I knew from the moment of diagnosis that Billy wouldn't make it. He had high hopes of beating the odds . I had to support his decision and was there by his side for all of the treatments. But I knew that this was going to end quickly and badly. Sometimes at night I would hear him get up-in those first couple of months when he could actually do that. I would hear him moan and then search for his pain meds by the light of the little lamp left on all night. I would say a silent prayer to make this an easy passing for him. Let him go sooner rather than later -if it could just be less painful for him. And then there were moments when I would see him sitting up in the recliner in our bedroom, hooked up to his oxygen and totally dependent on me for everything-and I would think"Please let him stay. I will take care of him forever if you just let him stay" So I was ready in the sense that I knew he wasn't going to be here for long. And I did whisper to him on that last day that it was okay to go(even though those words were the furthest thing from the truth). But all of that time together never prepared me for a life without him here. I don't think anything prepares you for that. Pat

I saw it and just sat there in amazement. Who would have thought that a disease that people dreaded for so many years could be a cure for cancer? I watch all of these documentaries. PBS had a special this week:Cancer: The Emperor of the Maladies. Another very informative piece. I do believe that there is an answer out there for the cure for cancer. There are more treatments than there were just 6 years ago when my DH was being treated for lung cancer. I have to believe there will be a cure someday soon. That will surely be a day to celebrate. Pat

So, so happy for you. Enjoy! Pat

thank you Pat

Stage IV non small cell lung cancer. He was diagnosed(finally!) on Dec 18, 2008 after having had symptoms-weight loss, anemia and fatigue for 7 months. Had had workups and dr visits including oncologist during that time but nobody took the time to listen. Attributed it to some phantom virus. He fainted in November, had a cough after Thanksgiving, went to the dr and was diagnosed with bronchitis. He had hip pain(thought he injured it during a yoga class). I sent him back to the dr after the antibiotics for bronchitis didn't work and told him not to come home without an X-ray. They found a spot on his lung. The CT scan showed a tumor and I knew long before the PET scan was done that he had not injured himself in yoga-he had mets to bones and brain. 137 days from diagnosis till he died. Chemo, radiation and a million treatments for all of the horrific side effects. The dr said that he was getting better-the tumors were shrinking. He died before the next round of chemo was due. I sometimes look back and can't believe that I lived through that. It seems completely surreal even now, almost 6 years later. Pat

I am so sorry your friends are going through such difficult times. Their situations are so sad and must leave you feeling rather helpless. I think when you don't know what to do, just be there. It is sometimes the best and only thing we can do but I am sure for both, it would be appreciated. (((Hugs)))) to you. Pat

I am sad to see you leave. Sometimes I think, too, that I have been here for 5 1/2 years and I am in such a different place than I was a year or two out(thank God for that!). BUT, it continues to surprise me how much I need people who have been at this for awhile. I need the people who understand that no matter how much time has passed there is still grief and longing for what can no longer be. I must have missed something because I have read your posts and have not found anything insensitive at all. I feel your wisdom and kindness in your words. I think your perspective is very valuable BECAUSE you are a bit further out. Nothing like hearing someone a bit further along than me validate the feelings that I have. I don't feel quite so insane. Pat

whiteirony-Love your story!!

I married my new husband 2 years after we had met (I was 3 years out at the time and he was 7). We didn't have exes in the background. We had 6 kids-aged 15,20.21,22,24 and 26. Two girls(one his daughter, one his niece) and 4 guys. We walked down the aisle to the Brady Bunch instrumental. They all moved into my house. I had done lots of renovations and did not feel like buying another big house at this stage in my life. Everyone has cable in their bedroom(only the girls share) so they can go and hide if it gets too busy. We figured out the shower schedule(and eventually put another one in our bedroom for us-1 shower for 8 people does not a happy household make-lol),and the likes and dislikes for meals. They are older so they kind of breeze in and out but we do try to sit down for dinner together on the weekend(at least one night). My biggest difficulty is getting them to lend a hand in chores. Doubling the size of the household MORE than doubles the work. My boys were never big on indoor chores but would always lend a hand with gardening, snow shoveling, cleaning the car, putting out garbage. His crowd-well, not so much. I feel like a nag. I guess I would just like everyone to keep their own space clean and pick up after themselves-big order. But, despite our different house cultures, we are surviving. My DH and I are on the same page. The youngest(now 18) does try to manipulate her dad a bit but he and I always discuss things before the stamp of "OK" goes on something. This is my advice to you: See if you have similar parenting styles. Be willing to share in the raising of your kids(I don't believe it works when you have the "your kids" "my kids " thing). Spend lots of time together-you can still have dinners, parties, holidays and vacations together before you solidify things and it would be quite revealing. Try REALLY,REALLY hard not to sweat the small stuff(I still work on this). It takes a lot of work but it is really worth it. Pat

My DH had stage IV lung cancer. It had spread to his bones and brain. Even with that horrible prognosis, the doctor started talking about treatment that would buy DH maybe a year. I came right out and asked how long he had-6-9months without treatment, and a year with it. This doctor had a lot of hope but, then again, I feel that is one characteristic you probably have to have if you are treating people with cancer. You must believe that someone you treat will be in that 15%(5 year survival). DH wanted to fight it with all he had. He was 52 and in pretty good shape. Had it been me, I would have booked a trip to the islands for one last vacation, and then enjoyed the time I had left with family. But I supported his decision 100%. Four months later, he died. It was probably more from complications related to chemo than the actual cancer. I guess the perfect doctor would lay the cards on the table(without being asked to) and say what their experience with people in our boat was. Compassionate and kind guidance. I think I am asking for a lot Pat

So happy it all worked out. I know EXACTLY what you mean about your different loves.Both wonderful,unique-just different. Sometimes I thought in the beginning I knew exactly what I was looking for in a man. Turned out to be a bit different from my list but still exactly what I wanted. If that makes any sense at all. Pat

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