patriciad

I am so happy that you have found a new love and some peace. I often think that, as much as I loved my DH, my new DH has gotten the wiser me, the one who knows what is truly important, the one who truly appreciates every minute with him. But it is the love of DH1 that has made this second chance at love so very rich. Pat

I did the email and then a phone conversation before meeting for a cup of coffee(met new DH for dinner but I knew after phone conversation that something was there). And of course, meet them both. It's just coffee-and who knows where it might lead. Good luck Pat

Fabulous news! Congratulations Pat

I am so sorry. There are really no words. Come back to us when you are ready. We will be here for you. Pat

Thank you for sharing. I love Humans of New York-such real people and real emotions. Love the ones you picked. Pat

A few months after DH died my sister said"Well, if you look on the bright side-at least you are young enough to find another man. You still look good-if this happened in ten years it might not be so easy to get someone" HUH???????????????????????????????????????????? Pat

So glad you have gotten such good news! Pat

After DH died I hung one of those 20 picture collage things up. It is going up the stairs-full of photos from wedding to his last Christmas. I had scattered a few other pics here and there-nothing ridiculous. When I met NG I took pics of DH down in bedroom but left everything else up. Eventually married NG(a widower) and he and 3 kids moved in. I made a beautiful collage of his wife's photos and that hangs in the living room next to "our" wedding collage. We have our 3 wedding 8x10s on the hallway table-him and his DW, me and DH and me and NG. It is very comfortable to me and he seems okay with it too-never really talked about it. I think having kids living in the house makes me not want to "erase" the past or cover it up. Those beautiful spouses made us who we are today. I don't believe in shrines(esp if in a new relationship) but a few photos here and there are okay. IMO Pat

Great news! Congratulations Pat

The message hit home. I am new DHs wife but will also always be Billy's widow. It doesn't define me but it is a huge part of who I am. Don't know anything about the author's personal life but the article hit the nail on the head for me. Thanks for sharing Pat

When my DH was dying, that very last day, my sister insisted on coming in to see him one last time. She was only an hour and a half away but traffic made it twice as long. She got to him about 20 minutes after he had passed. She was hysterical-not because he had passed(we knew that was coming)-but because she had wanted to send a message to her infant son who had died about 20 years earlier. I didn't think it was weird then and I don't really think your idea of visiting your grandmother to "talk" is weird at all. I think I would do the same exact thing. Pat

I say this ALL THE TIME. Then I try to count my blessings. I really thought by this time I would have accepted it all a bit more. I still think about all he is missing. I still can not believe how much I miss having him in my life. That feeling hasn't budged(thought it would). Wondering if it ever will. Pat

(((Eddienhp))) Your story brings back memories that are so, so vivid that they seem like only yesterday. I remember waiting for the mini school bus for my special needs guy and praying it wouldn't be late so that I could drop the other kids at their school on time. Stressful and so isolating. I learned early on that I had a lot more on my plate than most-and that was with DH around. I learned to say "No" to the routine volunteering. The challenges that come with raising a special needs child are inconceivable to those that have not experienced it-kinda like this whole widowhood thing. Hang in there. It will get easier. Just keep on doing what you are doing and don't overextend yourself. Pat

I think you are right! Pat

I was waiting for these pics. I am so happy for you! Congratulations Pat

I am at six years. I totally agree: Grief continues as long as those we love are missing. I think in the beginning I thought it would fade and then fade some more till it was almost gone. I have come to realize that it will never go away. It is a part of me, this love we had,like my arms or my legs. My life goes on. I have found a new love. I am pretty happy most of the time. But the grief will always be there-sometimes up front and center but more often in the background. And yeah-we are pretty much on our own with it. Thank God for this board. Pat

That is a true friend! I have one who sends a card and a text/call every year on sadaversary(been 6 years). It is so comforting to know that someone else has remembered him. Pat

Enjoy and have fun. That's what it is all about. Pat

Ok. After reading all the comments I think I must be REALLY weird. MY DH had cancer and was kind of bed/bedroom bound for his last few months. We camped out there. Had visitors there(it is a big bedroom). And he died in the bed. I love my bed. It was a luxury purchase(king sized tempurpedic). I kept the bed and slept on "my" side after he died. Fast forward-I meet new DH. He also loved memory foam beds. We kept it and sleep on it quite comfortably. I guess I didn't give it a lot of thought. I did redecorate the WHOLE bedroom. New furniture(which #2 helped pick out before we got married). Took off the wallpaper and painted. New floors, Eventually a new bathroom off bedroom. I guess it was different enough that it didn't bother him. We just got home from vacation last night and all he could say was that he missed his bed. Go figure. There obviously are no pics all over or mementos of DH1. It is completely our space. Do whatever works for you. No rule books on this whole widow thing. Pat

So happy for you! Enjoy ! Pat

Congratulations! Fantastic news. Love the pic Pat

So glad it all worked out. Now it's time to rest and recuperate. Pat

I am sure that I wrote this somewhere else but the story is clear in my head-like it happened yesterday. It was June 2008. He complained of feeling very tired. Couldn't keep up with the guys at jujitsu. He had lost weight-thought it was from all those rigorous workouts. For the first time in 24 years I bought him size medium shirts-red flag. He saw his doctor for a physical in July-anemic. Dr didn't seem concerned but we pushed. He had a colonoscopy. Nothing. Endoscopy. Nothing. CT scan of abdomen. Nothing. Doctor decided he had "viral syndrome". I made an appointment in August with an oncologist/hematologist. He minimized all of our concerns. I remember walking out of his office and Bill said"Well, that was a waste". I watched him that whole summer looking at him and asking friends"Doen't he look a bit pale?" "Look at his lips". The glow had gone from him. When the beach club closed on Labor Day I remember telling a friend that I felt like the other shoe was gonna drop. In November he fainted at a fundraiser at church. His doctor saw him the next day and said he must have suffered from low blood sugar. He had hip pain and figured it was from a yoga injury. In November he had a cough. I finally convinced him to go to the doctor. He gave him antibiotics. Still had a cough three weeks later. I sent him back and told him not to come home without a chest X-ray. I was praying he had pneumonia. His doctor had him get a chest X-ray and he saw a spot on the lungs. Two days later he had a CT scan and multiple spots were found on the lung. I knew, from the moment the doctor said there were spots on the lungs, that it had metastasized. It wasn't a hip injury or low blood sugar. He had lung cancer that had metastasized to his brain and hip. We found that out with a PET scan a couple of weeks later but I knew on December 18,2008 that he was really sick. The other shoe had dropped. He had chemo, radiation and cyberknife for the brain lesion. He fought like he had a real chance. 137 days after his diagnosis, he died at home in his own bed. His iPod was playing his favorite songs and we were all there. It was a beautiful sunny April day. The doctor from hospice came by and saw him. He took off the oxygen mask and within minutes he was gone. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Those days camped out in our bedroom, just hanging out together, were some of the best days of my life. I have never felt that close to someone. I would have kept up that pace of caregiving forever if he hadn't been in such pain. That moment came when I had to tell him it was okay to go. It couldn't have been further from the truth but it had to be said. I feel so privileged to have known and loved someone so deeply. What a love! Pat

Happy anniversary! I have always found this blending to be more difficult than I had anticipated but definitely worth it. I appreciate your input too-always a wise word. I wasn't going to join this board when ywbb closed but I found myself coming back to where people really understand. I guess I was looking at the whole journey as a chapter that is finished. I have come to realize that there is no end to it,just an overlap in the different chapters of my life. So...enjoy your day. I understand your desire to pull back a bit but please pop in once in a while with your pearls of wisdom. Pat

Congratulations! Sounds like you found a really good guy. Pat