patriciad

I am six years out. I don't have any pearls of wisdom here. I have made a Chapter 2 and on most days I am relatively content. I have a man who loves me and whom I love dearly. We have a wonderful(often challenging) bunch of young adults who live with us. I find it remarkable how often I still think of DH. I think of how I had once imagined my life would be. I think of all that he is missing. I think of all the things I still want to tell him. I think of the life that we were supposed to have. I relive moments-dr appointments, diagnoses, special "last time we did this" type of things. I think of all of the things I would have done differently. I am a fixer too and I wasn't able to "fix" him. Some days I do not accept that. I believe this grieving will always be a work in progress for me. I don't believe that a day will come when I can tie it up with a ribbon and be done. I find that the most difficult part-it will never be over. It does get easier and I can incorporate this grief into my new life. But that missing him and still wanting him here-I don't think that will ever completely go away. I just don't see that ever happening. I try to live by those words of wisdom-accepting things I can not change, changing things I can and wisdom to know the difference. It is difficult to do but something to guide me. ((( Lost35))) Unfortunately I understand completely. Pat

That is wonderful news! So happy for you. Pat

That is wonderful news! Sounds like the beginning of a beautiful love story. Pat

Wow! I never would have thought of that solution. I am sitting here picturing the faces of the Pet Smart staff as you stroll down the aisle with the new Jolene. Pat

I hate fucking cancer. I know all the plaques and sayings about how it can't take this or that. It took away my EVERYTHING. Pat

So funny you posed this question today. A couple of months before my DH died we both had wills done by his friend who is a lawyer(for free). It is six years later and I have a few minor changes that I want in place. I just googled free online will forms. Pretty clearcut. Gonna do it as soon as I get home from week away and am near a printer. Only need witnesses. Bank accounts have beneficiaries on the accounts and so do life insurance policies and annuities. Looks easy to me and will save $500-$1000. Pat

I know today is a really difficult day. So glad that you are surrounded by your family and friends who support you. Stay strong. Praying all goes smoothly. Pat

I am six years out and remarried to a fellow aid. I have kept cards(I always kept Hallmark in business and DH reciprocated). I love to see his name at the bottom of a mushy card to me. We have a collage of photos of DH in our home as well as a collage of new DH's DW. Our wedding photo sits between wedding photos of me and DH and new DH and his DW. It works for us. We have lots of kids in the house who need to see that part of their lives. I find it comforting too. Do whatever feels right to you. Because that part of your life's over does not mean it is gone. It will be with you forever. Pat

Totally agree. It can be something as little as a sports game on tv or as big as a college graduation. They lost out on so much. Pat

That is great news! Happy you have found some happiness. Pat

I am remarried to a widower. I have 3 sons and he has a son, daughter and a niece(who lost her father-his brother) all under one roof. We celebrate the days but not wholeheartedly. His kids miss Mom on Mother's Day and my sons and his niece miss their dads on Father's Day. I am happy when they are all over. Between us we have lots of birthdays and anniversaries and sadaversaries. We muddle through. Not too much of a choice. It just is not the way it was and I miss it. I know I always will. Those days amplify all that is missing-all that should have been. Pat

"Always remember you are braver than you believe Stronger than you seem Smarter than you think and Twice as beautiful as you'd ever imagined" Hang in there. Stay strong. So proud of you! Pat

((((hugs)))) i so understand. Different date. Same diagnosis. 137 days later he was gone. My husband's doctor told us to pray it was tb or sarcoidosis. But that spot on the lung turned into a stage IV cancer. Isn't it amazing how you can remember every detail? I forget so many things these days but I can remember those days in detail. Pat

Good thoughts and prayers coming your way. Stay strong Pat

One of his children is only a one year old. The others(from first marriage) are older. Pat

Prayers being sent. Pat

Kinda feel like I have to have one long conversation with the guy upstairs when I get there. So many things I just don't get. Pat

My neighbor died tonight. He was a widower for about 10 years. His wife had died when she got hit by a car while walking to the laundromat. He held his family together with the help of his mother who lived with him in the same household. He had 3 children-the youngest is now about 17. He found a new love and married her. He leaves behind a 1 year old baby. I heard of his sudden death from a brain bleed and I could only think how unfair life is. His kids still need him-3 are now orphans. One will never really remember him. They have all had more than their fair share of grief and heartache. It reminds me once again how fragile life is. How life can change in a skinny minute. Just makes me wonder how some people just never seem to catch a break. Pat

Isn't it funny(not coincidental) when we are just where we are supposed to be? I hate cancer. I read all the plaques of 'what cancer can't do" but it is just so devastating to so many. Sucks Pat

This article sure brought back a flood of memories. My autistic son is now 27 but I can still see the 3 year old and 8 year old and teenager that he was. It was exhausting -the fighting for every little thing. In his 27 years he has come such a long way-way beyond anything I would have dreamed of back then. He has taught me more about life and love and family than anything could. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes when life is hard it is good to remember how far we have come Pat

So glad you are back home-nothing like it. Take it slow. Praying for a quick recovery. Pat

perfect!

When new guy and I discussed the whole marriage thing we considered every angle. He is widowed as well and if we were to legally marry we would both lose the spousal social security that we could take at age 60(he is 60 this year, me 57). I also considered health benefits(I would lose DHs lifetime health benefits if I were to remarry). New guy could put me on his but if anything happened to him, I would be out of luck. I know that all of these considerations are a lot of "ifs". For us, the piece of paper doesn't mean that much. We had a beautiful ceremony with family and friends-just no license. Our spouses worked really hard and we just weren't willing to give up the benefits that they had worked so hard for. But...we are older. If I were 45, I might think differently. I just wasn't willing to give up hard earned money for a piece of paper. We go by "Mr and Mrs", have the rings etc. Whatever works for you. Pat

I start with a credit card that gives me $ back for my purchases. I make sure that the balance is paid off monthly(I actually pay it on a weekly basis so I don't get slammed at the end of th month with a huge bill). I try to food shop by studying the circular before heading out. With a list in hand, I buy "specials" and stock up when the items I use are on sale. Usually items come up about every 6 weeks so if I shop right I am never paying full price for cereal , coffee or toilet paper. You need a bit of room for this stuff but it is definitely worth it. We don't throw out any food. If we have a chicken roast on Sunday and there are leftovers, there will be chicken salad sandwiches or a chicken and rice dish for leftovers. If there isn't enough for everyone, we just take all of the leftovers out and have "Must-goes"-Everything in the fridge "Must go". It is a night's dinner and didn't cost a dime. I air dry clothing outside in the nice weather. If it has to be hung up, it dries so much more quickly in the fresh air than in the basement laundry room. I do a Target run every 3 or 4 months for toiletries. Shampoo, toothpaste, skin care etc. Much cheaper than drug store shopping. Family Dollar type stores often have good buys on this stuff too. I am also of the mindset that vinegar cleans everything. Much less toxic too. I bought a 12 pack of microfiber rags and use it on everything. Save a load on paper towels too. I love reading this thread. I am truly a frugal person at heart. pat

I joined as brooklyngirl930. I truly believe you have a beautiful love story. And I love the article. Can't account for some people and their comments. Pat