ieh21

I was reading an online discussion regarding how we middle-aged adults, come to the realisation that we become invisible at a certain point. That occasions to be flirted with decrease, that we are generally regarded as less attractive by virtue of age. This started with a letter printed in the New York Times from a 47 year old man decrying this situation and the comments section I was reading was filled with "welcome to a woman's world, buddy" and various versions of how women start noticing that their level of attractiveness decreased as early as 20. This left me pondering and then at dinner, completely out of the blue, my Eldest Daughter, at the tender age of 7, declared that "little girls are cuter than older girls. My sister [who is 4] has replaced me as the cutest in the family". My heart broke. It's one thing for me, at 44, to realise that my attractiveness potential has decreased, it's quite another to hear my beautiful Eldest DD declare that she doesn't find herself as cute as her sister. And, when I prompted her further, she explained that her beautiful bright blue eyes appear to her as washed-out grey. It's true that her sister commands attention with her crazy curly hazelnut hair. People notice because, well, you can't miss it. And they are always commenting on it. I have been wondering when Eldest would start to notice. I never thought this early... I'm always very careful, when giving her my opinion on her clothes, to pinpoint my negative comments to the clothes, not her (i.e. if I am asked my opinion, I don't say "you don't look good in that", I say "I am not a fan of the print on that dress"). I'm also always very careful not to criticise my own body in front of them (my mom was a pro, she used to look at herself in the mirror and then say "I hate my ugly body. It's too bad you inherited my genes in this regard". To a 13 year-old me. No wonder I have body image issues!) Yet it seems that this is an issue we won't be able to escape... So I told her, I think you are beautiful, you are both beautiful and you have different attributes that are exceptional. But you have to believe that, it's not enough for me to tell you. I could cry, to think that at 7, she is looking at herself critically, already...

What kind of sick genetic joke is being played here? In my circle of friends, illness is becoming a plague. First there was DH who for no reason whatsoever contracted lung cancer. Another has since then had major cardiac surgery. Yet another was afflicted with breast cancer. (those two are now OK) Now, two of the guys are in bad shape. One of them had a lung transplant and it's failing. He will have to stay in hospital until a second one can be performed. The other one is in the last stages of some form of hematological cancer. We don't live in a nuclear waste area. We live reasonably healthy lives. Probably should be eating more kale, but nothing major. Half these guys are doctors, so it's not like we lack access to good medical opinions. And yet, in the space of 5 years, we might lose 3 of them. We're in our forties, dammit. I used to "laugh" (gallows humour) that I was pretty teflon given that there's no statistical way that my children would lose two parents separately at a young age in this day and age. Now look at us. I do not want to have to visit anyone else in the hospital. I want to go to funerals for old people only. People about whom you can safely say "he died peacefully". Not people about whom you want to shout "he died angrily because this is so dramatically premature and unfair". How many eulogies can start with the rabbi saying "This is a tragedy, there is no other word for it" (first words for my DH's) What the hell is wrong with this gene pool???

Hachi, as a mom, you must be so happy to see this small step unfold. My own little happy is that I received my first pair of Tretorns in about 15 years. They were my favourite walking around shoes in my twenties and I stopped being able to buy them here. For whatever reason on Sunday I thought out of nowhere "hey, I can probably buy them online!". And lo and behold, they are adorning my feet this very morning. Sometimes, for short bursts of time, money really can buy you happiness.

Indeed, I've heard that an individual cannot ship wine across state lines. There must be a wine broker or something whose business is to take care of this particular problem. I love that expression "first world problem".

Oh my lord, my mother drives me insane. In February, I booked all my summer trips. One week in Maine, a weekend camping in Ontario. Both are with very good friends and specially the camping is very nice because it's an activity that DH would have loved for us to do and we go with a big group of friends who live far so we rarely see them. Come July, my mom's family decides to organise a get-together. My mom knows the dates for the Maine trip so she informs her brother that I can't be there those dates, could he possibly organise it around my availabilities. He says yes, and they decide a date. She informs me of this and I announce that it unfortunately falls on the date of my camping trip. She flips and tells me I have too many restrictions and she's too embarrassed to talk to her brother because I'm being so inconsiderate. I take matters into my own hands, email him and explain the situation. I also suggest could we do it earlier in August? Could we do it early September? Call me and we can talk about what's possible and what's not. Instead, he calls my mother. and tells her that it's really unfortunate, but seeing as my month of August is so booked, he's going to have to organise it on a day on which I am not available. so I start to get emails about how I don't appreciate her (my) family, how family is here to stay but friends can be fleeting. How she can sort of understand that the Maine trip is not cancellable (we rented and paid for a house!) but really, the camping trip should be cancelled since who cares about that if it means giving up seeing my family. That clearly I have made my choice in the case of family vs friends and I am a disappointment in that respect and tough luck for me, but it's really sad that my children will not get this opportunity to see their extended family. In the end, I call my uncle, we figure out a solution that works best for everyone, which is to say, I will drive from Maine to his place (not my preference, but sure), sleep there and drive home the next day. I announce this to my mom and let her know that she was wrong to jump to conclusions and infer so much about my feelings toward my family from this (very easily solvable) situation. Her answer? "yes I jumped to conclusions, but it was all based on what I am observing". Jeez Louise, so facts and reality have no basis at all? TALKING to me and asking me had no place, we're just going to make assumptions and leave it at that? My mom is a very generous, funny person, but man, when she gets in this irrational "you are in the wrong and nothing you can tell me will change my mind" mode, I can't stand her. And also, what is it about being an adult that doesn't seem to mean that uncles and aunts will call you directly, but still deal with you through your parents? I mean, she's not my keeper or my social secretary, deal with ME directly if you want to organise something with me! Is that just my family? And lastly, sure, her family drove two hours to come to my DH's funeral, but have mostly limited their support for the past five years to Facebook posts and a few emails. Versus my friends, including the far away ones, who are a lot more present in my life, have been a lot more helpful in this difficult time, over years even. I don't really expect more from my family, we aren't super close and I am very happy with our relationship. They are very important to me, a feeling I developed quite independently, since my mother herself never put much emphasis on them when I was growing up. Thank you for the vent!

I have a different experience: a lot of people gathered around to shore me up in the first year after Joe's death. A lot of old friends his that I didn't really know very well when he was alive (frat brothers and the like). A lot of people who I knew well professionally who rallied and became closer in that period. This gave me the impression that I was part of a huge community of people who loved him and loved me. It was very soothing. Now, five years on, a lot of these people are holiday card friends. There are few calls, few emails, few offers of going for a drink. It saddens me a lot because that whole community barely filled the void I was feeling then and I struggle with feelings of aloneness now. I still have friends, my close friends from before are still there. But they are a small number, and they aren't local to me and they have busy lives too. As do I, which means I am no longer as diligent in making plans with people, answering emails and doing the stuff that helped keep us all close. I realise that what I was feeling in that first year was unnatural closeness to people who simply weren't really my friends. They were either suddenly close to me because they grieved their own loss of Joe and being with me helped, or they were good people who rally in a crisis but with whom I share very little in general. This was all very beneficial in that time. They are all wonderful for having been there in the crisis. But now, five years on, I feel very lonely and very dependent on my small core of friends.

LOL, I know, right? And port. They always loooove a good glass of port. back to the topic: I almost went, I hope that counts. The event was cancelled. So I only have an opinion on going alone and I say yes, it's an excellent idea to go alone. First of all, it's the best "mingling" event for being alone. think of any other group event, walking in alone and having to find someone to have a conversation with. In speed dating, you don't need to make an effort to break the ice, you literally are there to speak with a set number of people who are conveniently placed right in front of you for a set period of time. One at a time. I say go for it. It sounds like much better fun than online dating.

Yeah, that is not easy at all. Especially with younger children, on the one hand they give you something to do, on the other, they isolate you in social functions. It does get a lot easier as they age and you can actively partake in social activities rather than standing by witnessing others having fun.

Isn't it a wonderful feeling to get to that point? Instead of seeing pictures and thinking "here is what I lost", to be able to say "remember that time when".

you looked great. Lovely dress. I hope you're having good memories of the honeymoon (since I'm two days late, I assume you'd have been in your honeymoon by now...)

I took a few minutes at work to plan a dinner party for this coming Wednesday. I hadn't looked at epicurious in a long time, never mind taken up the challenge of matching my menu to someone's allergies/intolerance list. Am very much looking forward to cooking!

I miss having a dedicated problem-hasher-outer. We were phenomenal at resolving any problem, small or large, practical or emotional, because of the constant back-and-forth and lengthy discussions about everything. Every time I have to solve something now, I think of that gift we could share and how much closer that brought us. On a very practical level, I really miss someone keeping me at the forefront of IT. My house is now almost at some antediluvian analog level. I've kept up nothing. To the point where I need a new home computer because the operating system is so antiquated and hasn't been updated for so long that the hardware can no longer accommodate newer OSs. I know and appreciate just enough about IT that I loved being an early-adopter but not enough to be able to do that myself. Would he have bought an AppleWatch?

A childhood friend of mine buried his father on Father's Day. Sadly, I didn't answer his call when he was driving up from the city his lives in to get in my city in time to witness his father's last moments. that five hour drive must have been painful... I jumped into action: this is a Jewish family, we bury our dead very rapidly and there are rules for the mourners to follow in the first week of their grief. To help them. So I took responsibility for the mourners meals, starting with a call with a caterer on Sunday morning. Then I fielded all the emails from the many friends and family who wanted to help by providing a meal for this week. I tried to organise something to let everyone contribute, but we're still pretty young, so no one had a lot of experience in how to deal with these things. No one, except that very friend and a few others who of course took over when we buried my DH. In addition, we need every evening for ten men to show up at the mourners' house to say prayers at 7:10PM. Women aren't included in the count (don't get me started), and they have few friends and family in this city, so every night will be a struggle to get to ten. Facebook posts and phone calls were made. Ultimately, you can literally knock on people's doors in the condo building and get people in their slippers to show up. I've seen that done often, and really it's a good deed to help mourners, so you're doing the neighbours a favour by letting them participate. You can also more simply go to synagogue to do the prayers, there's always ten guys there, that's what I did. But it's a stress on mourners and it's our responsibility to help them. Regardless of the intricacies of the system under which we operate, I am amazed at how much work it is, in extremely short notice, to organise a Jewish funeral. All plans for Sunday were out the window, I had to locate a babysitter for my daughters to spend the day with , lots of calls between friends, caterers, emails, follow-ups. I was exhausted and I hardly knew the deceased. My friend told me he had a new appreciation for what I went through when it was me burying my loved one. I now have a new appreciation for the work that he and others did when they organised everything so I could focus on mourning. I thanked them all profusely at the time, and I would love to thank them again. It's also weird to me that I can go to the new widow (who isn't at all young, she's in her 80s) and I could tell her of my experience. She and I now share a very deep bond. I find that inherently extremely strange.

A little sad... My Eldest DD brought back cards for Fathers' Day. Both for my father, none for her own dad. Every year we go to the cemetary and send off the cards using helium balloons. They fly up to papa sitting on the clouds in the sky. This year I guess she didnt feel the need for it. I've spoken to the teachers at the beginning of the year, told them to let her make do as she pleases for Fathers' Day. She did... She grieves differently, her lose isnt like my loss. It's great she's so close to my dad, he is a great guy. But I am sad she doesnt seem to have this tie left to him.

Of course you are worried, and of course DH is protective of his son. It is a very touchy situation. First of all, ask yourself what are your feelings toward his son. Do you have a good rapport with him? Do you show him any affection? Of course you'll act differently with your baby, but it's also possible that he senses this difference in terms of his relative importance, not in terms of a baby needing more attention. Maybe you are acting in a way, without even noticing, that makes both the son and his father defensive of the ties being built in the family. For the son, this is especially true if his mom is letting on that you're not really someone she approves. He's four and has a whole lot to deal with in terms of potential difficulties in family bonding. He has limited ways of expressing his fears and frustrations. Maybe he needs to be given another way to express his frustration. If therapy isn't an option, maybe a physical activity, even a rough-and-tumble one. Karate or something. Another thing I'd mention is that at four, I suspect that the violent acts are not done with purpose. I mean that he probably doesn't realise the difference in strength or in effect of his actions. Throwing a soft toy vs pinching vs throwing a truck isn't seen in his mind as "increasing in danger of physical harm". Same with words. My Eldest once told me that we should all die in order to meet papa up in Heaven before we get old. Clearly, she expressed words that were very drastic and scary and sad to me, but equally clearly, she herself didn't understand them as such. So I wouldn't pay too much attention to the words being used, but would focus on the underlying feeling they are expressing. Same with the actions. Also, children develop empathy at different rates. It takes some of them many years. Many of the kids in my four-year old's daycare class still resort to pushing and hitting and I mostly see very self-centered behaviours. A friend of mine has an 8-year old who sometimes laughs out loud when his 4-year old brother falls and scratches himself. He doesn't have "issues", doesn't hurt animals or anything, he just hasn't quite yet caught on that this isn't the right reaction. My Eldest daughter is like that too. She's 7 and sometimes, her younger sister gets hurt and she doesn't react at all to help her. She's not generally mean, they get along very well, she just hasn't yet fully integrated the notion of empathy. By all means protect your daughter, but also try to get them to interact positively. Get him to teach her big kid stuff, or involve him in the celebration around certain milestones (maybe he can help at mealtime to spoonfeed her for example.) You don't want their relationship to become all about how he doesn't like her and harms her. It has to be spun positively. Your DH isn't wrong, but I would say that at these ages, you can't really let them play together and hope they figure themselves out. They don't have much in common in terms of play, and neither of them knows physical boundaries very well (she's likely to pull his hair hard at some point too). So you will need to be involved and proactive, until they are a little older. They will develop a relationship over time. Right now, he needs to have boundaries set (it's not ok to throw stuff and he will learn with time only if he is reprimanded in an age-appropriate manner), but I wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that this is a harbinger of future relations between them, even if I realise it's highly stressful for you at all levels.

Oh my. SO frustrating. I get upset when my daughters lose mittens, and they're still quite young... My last threat was "if you lose mittens before the end of the winter, you're going without". Fortunately the nanny is an excellent finder of things. Perhaps I should send her to your house...

I had a crush on a guy we were both friends with. His wife had struggled in the past with cancer (she's fine and been fine for years now), and I let my mind wander off to scenarios where we were both grieving and merging our families. That's when I knew I had to stop, because it was awful to daydream about someone else's misery.

Tumultuous times, eh? Hang in there!

thank you so much for this. I am at 4.5 years and I struggle immensely with the idea of never finding someone to share my life with. So to hear you speak realistically yet serenely about 12 years on it very touching and helpful.

Some days, I have to admit my answer is I WISH! :-)

Ha. My neighbour redid all the mortar of his three brick walls. That's a lot of mortar dust. We share a driveway and my house is downhill from his. As a result, the drain in my garage that allows the rain run-off water to drain into the municipal sewage system became clogged with mortar dust. A LOT of it. Massive rainfall yesterday afternoon. My usually unflappable nanny calls me "how far are you? There's water... in the furnace room, don't know what to do". Hm, must be a lot of water to scare her. So quick call to my father, confirming that unless I have like a foot of water, we'll be fine. I get home, get into my rainboots (but leave the rest of my work clothes on, why not look stylish while tending to a messy emergency?) and join her and her husband in emptying the drain holes of mortar dust and water. It is GROSS. It's dark water and it smells and every time I shovel something out, I have a silent prayer "please let it not be a dead animal". We're covered in this mud, water splashing, ungloved hands right in it. Eventually we all leave for dinner. I put the girls to bed and go back to the garage. Funny scene, me in my PJs & rainboots, crazy carpets on the floor to kneel on, still raining outside and Gossip Girl on the iPad to keep me company. I'm filling in buckets with dirt, water, dumping them out in my neighbour's yard (passive-aggressive revenge which he won't notice since his yard is a construction site right now). The girls got out of bed to join me and I couldn't even get mad, I just let them watch and "help" until finally they walked away. They were fascinated, which warmed my heart slightly, since I've always made an effort to get them to embrace how things work and non-traditional interests. Yes, in my house ALLLLL moments are teachable moments... Two hours later, I finally get to bed. 15 buckets of sludge emptied out, a totally dry drain hole and hoping that the problem has been resolved because rain continued to fall. And one last, totally unfeminist thought before falling asleep: "I REALLY need a man in my life".

Good job to both of you reaching this milestone and it's so amazing that you had the wherewithal and support to take on the role that you did in her life. Wistful is exactly the right word, thank you for finding it. Envy would mean that it would be positive if others didn't have it either, this isn't the case here. It's looking at these events and knowing that we have no one who shares a telepathic joy at being there, no one is quite as committed as we are. And the child doesn't have the chance to have double the number of kudos. It's great that your MIL came out though. That was lovely. I hope you continued to have a great time together.

Didn't you deal with that one year by contemplating going yourself and screwing their antiquated ideas on the separation of gendered activities? I guess from this post that this didn't pan out? What a load of rubbish. Good for your boy for taking pleasure in doing these things with you. What would they have said if your DH had turned out to love quilting and hate the outdoors?? I like the cream cheese analogy. Oddly we have no such families at our synagogue. That whole "family look" has apparently not simmered into our community. It must be very pretty though. We're three girls, so it would be bow-a-palooza.

yeah, those wine/chips/ice cream emergencies (somehow we never run out of carrots) are really hard. I hope you got some wine the next day!

I have to say I don't mind it that much. My mother-in-law drives me nuts because she keeps trying to get me to celebrate Fathers' Day in lieu of her son, and I just don't have that relationship with my FIL, so I find it hard to fake. And I celebrate extra-hard with my own father because somehow my DH's death has made me appreciate HIS presence in my life even more. He helps me out a lot, but also, being an orphan himself, he has some useful insight into growing up with only an adult woman as a parent. Plus thinking about how sad it is for my daughters to miss having a father made me realise how lucky I was to have one. Weird, but I actually enjoy taking the girls to the cemetery, letting them run around the gravestones and sending off their cards tied to helium balloons to their papa sitting on a cloud. What I do miss which is related to Fathers' Day is buying men's presents. Every LLBean catalog I get that is the men's issue, I get a little sad that there is no market for ties or flannel shirts in my house.