Sugarbell

Oh I get this too well. When my kids were all smaller it was much worse. I agree with Trying as he gets a little older it will ease up some. Plus since you're in a little town-people will get used to and comfortable with you as the solo Mom...(I know it's pitiful we have to worry about there comfort with our situation --but that seems to be life in a small town) I remember that the men were initially nicer to me than the wives. Again it will ease up. 4 is still young and your son probably isn't involved in many activities/friendships yet. It's hard...it's isolating at times....We get it...it will get better. (((hugs)))

Have you met these friends? Do they know about you since you've been going out almost a year?? I am so sorry...I know how bad it hurts. It may have been innocent and nothing to it...but if your gut says it's not innocent-I would listen to my gut. Even though it's risky getting sucked back in...I would hear him out. I think it's easier to tell if people are lying when you can hear their voice and see them. I have several platonic guy friends-who I text or talk on the phone sometimes. The babe and love ya would be weird for me...but maybe not all.

No I never suspected a true affair. It wasn't in him to try to maintain an on the side relationship. The last 6 months before he died... He traveled lots for work...and one city he went to weekly. He ran with a shady crowd there (he got into money laundering, selling samples, etc)...They also frequented strip clubs a lot. I did wonder after he died if he had a one night stand with a stripper--or anyone while traveling. But no... Never a full fledge affair.

I know...the milestones are hard to swallow alone sometimes. I did the kindergarten starting school with all 3 solo...and my oldest is starting at our high school (he's going into 7th too...but our high school is tiny 7-12) I always find myself wondering if he can see this stuff....and I always wonder how the kids feel that he's not there. It doesn't seem to...I think they really (even oldest) don't remember anything any different. But I do. ((((hugs)))

You know I was thinking this exact same thing today. We hadn't been down to his place since first of March. Snow was still on the ground...house was neat. He coaches in the spring for a local high school--was really never home...sold his other house and consolidated clothes and stuff from the old one. With all the damn rain here...you have to mow every few days. I am going to suggest both to him while we are out of town. His house for the most part he keeps clean....except the bathrooms (and I have seen much worse) and all his clothes. But I am paying for food and stuff in Vegas. He bought my plane ticket, hotel is free with conference...that's more than enough to spend.

I think I can somewhat relax him spending on me. (Somewhat) But my kids....it bothers me. Not there yet.

I have said on here before that I dream/and remember them almost every night. My brain is like a Lifetime TV movie at night. Another faked his death dream-Even after almost 8 years. I had these a lot early on...but not one of these in years. He comes back...admits he faked his death....then admits that he had found another woman and wanted a new life. Then 8 yrs later realizes he made a mistake and came back. I go apeshit...yelling blah blah blah...but take him back and 2 months later get pregnant.(yea yea I know I am 44 with my tubes tied-it's a dream) I am devastated I am pregnant he's excited hoping it's a girl....I go apeshit again yelling "You have a little girl that you abandoned when she was 3 months . Why don't you spend some time with her? You have 8 years to make up" Then I cry more devastated I am pregnant....my 12 year old appears with a social worker from an adoption agency and says "Mom the best thing for everyone is to put this baby up for adoption"... WTF???? Now I have been wondering all day if DH cheated on me before he died (like it really matters now).... Tried to dream dictionary it....but can't find much.

Yeah maybe I just need to chill and enjoy:

Ok....the next free weekend the kids have....we are going down and helping him with his place. He has 5 acres of yard...it all needs mowed shit every 5 days with all the rain. My son loves that shit. And I want to paint his decks and fix them up: he did tell me he would give us money for landscaping mulch, flowers if I ever wanted to do it (Honestly I love doing outside work)...I don't think that would make him feel bad because I am not cleaning his house...but helping him out. Is that messed up to want and to feel like we should do that to help? I feel like in a sense I am paying him back.....and it's a nice thing that he doesn't like to do ( landscaping). Or is that a bad habit to start???

It's funny....his money was not what made him appealing so much to me..::it was the fact that he's busy as can be (full time job-2 side businesses out of his home-and one is beds/mattresses that's where that gift came from and coaches )...So he's not needy..I am busy..:.but seriously he's busier than me.:which is sexy to me. And he doesn't put up with my shit. I mean he does awesome things for me and my kids...but doesn't take crap from me. He's Nick named me "Tuff nuts or Tuffy"...And is a bigger smart ass than me. His mom being widowed when he was 7 with half a dozen kids....I think that adds to his generosity to my kids. And I do feel incomfortable when he takes all of us to a movie (I rent from amazon at home he knows it's too expensive for me) or buys all of us dinner..:he even have me 1/4 of butchered beef (steaks/hamburgers) to have for meals. I am not poor. But he knows I watch my pennies with certain things. He bought my plane ticket for Vegas and tickets for Hoover Dam next week-Hotel is covered with conference...but I am going to buy some of our meals-or at least all of mine...I just feel too guilty not doing it. But yet I would never spend the money to go to Vegas on my own.

I know most of it is I have lots of nervous energy since getting clean off pills. I keep busy nonstop at my house and everything has to have a semblance of order to keep my ADHD head straight. And when I am outside at home--I pull weeds while playing with my kids...it's actually annoying to my kids because I was not this way when drugging. I could waste hours. So at his home-I saw laundry Needed done..I did it...bathrooms were not as clean as I like...I started cleaning them...flower beds weren't done....I weeded them. He's a man...he lives alone...he's rarely home...he doesn't see those things like I do. And yeah-I know it's why I don't want to get married while my kids are young...because I would take that stuff on...not because it's expected...but because that's how my brain works now that I am clean (and this is with meditation and yoga). Really the problem is me....still learning to navigate a healthy relationship with all my opiates, tranquilizers, stimulants...And I have been clean 3.5 years...But didn't date the first 2.5 years. Sometimes I feel like I am learning life all over again.

Oh and I think this is bothering me more because we all spent the weekend at his house (it's been a while since we were down there)...And I found myself weeding his flower bed (which he stopped me)...trying to pick up do his laundry...hell I even was cleaning his bathrooms until he put his foot down and said "I don't clean your house....just relax..you aren't to come here and do that at mine" But I realiZed that somewhere in my messed up head I thought that I SHOULD because of everything he does for me. I even said "but I love you-let me help out" (he works long hours..) and he just looked at me and said "Seriously chill out....you aren't coming to my home to clean my bathrooms for Gods sakes" Sigh

My guy friend is much better off financially than me. I don't have a problem with traditional dates, etc him paying for things....But big things (like a new bed, mattress, TV, trip to Vegas...even filling my car up with a tank of gas Everytime we leave each other on Sunday)....makes me feel... I dunno guilty. We are on the same page of commitment but no marriage for quite some time. We are on the same page with not living together (hour away...his job...and I don't want to move my kids)...So no one is being lead on. Then why do I feel bad when he just does very nice (and practical) things for me. At least 50 percent of our dates he's also paying for my kids meals, entertainment too. I kinda feel like a mooch. And I have told him this. He just shakes his head and says "I enjoy doing it." DH and I were pretty much financial equals when we started dating....I am not guy friends financial equal...and I have 3 extra little ones (he has one college age daughter)... Is it like this because I have been so damn independent for 8 years with my kids?? Is it because I don't feel as generous as him? (Like I would never date a man with 3 little kids who wasn't making that much money-and I ended up paying for all there dinners out, etc) Not sure I am making sense...I need to just enjoy it without the guilt. I think I have been scraping by for so long that it just at times makes me feel guilty.

Port side makes excellent points. Whether you like it or not...all these things need to be thought through and one the same page. I have seen several examples on the board of people blending families successfully. Please listen to them. And yes...I am in love/exclusive relationship....but know I could never blend. But that's me-not everyone.

This just makes me so mad reading this....I am no longer in that position (new habits new traditions new people over the years)...but those first few years of being "kicked out" of the couples club just really hurt. And they never discuss finding your footing in a new social circle and the added heartache it causes in traditional " self help widow" books. I have one close girlfriend left from my old life. She was truly there for me. And my loyalty to her and our friendship has grown over the years. We don't see each other that often due to family obligations...but I am a better friend now to her...because she's in my "hall of fame" as a friend who doesn'tps leave because you are no longer socially acceptable in the club. I promise-one day you will think "What the hell did I ever have in common with these people"...I no longer have time for superficial friendships. But circle is different now and smaller....But the level of true substance and our thinking/commonalities is so much richer. ((((hugs to all of you this holiday))))

I just spit my tea out reading this... I don't want to offend anyone but sarcasm puts me in a good mood.

Congrats!!!!! You all will last the test of time....both of you have good heads on your shoulders and you offer great advice on the whole blending families and have a positive yet realistic viewpoint. I think you have lots to offer... Especially in this forum!! You help give others hope...not to mention your teaching/parenting teenagers... (which I am almost to the teen years and it actually scares the shit out of me) Enjoy your trip together!

Women can be bat shit crazy. This year...I have 3 friends in their 40s who just got divorced...in all 3 of these cases they traded them in for a "younger updated model" ( That's the first wives words) Death is different...but people don't get it who haven't experienced it...these women probably look at there friend as being replaced by a "younger prettier model"... This isn't me talking.......this is just what I have heard this year from my "friends". No one knows what goes on in a persons marriage/heart except the people involved (both in deAth and divorce) Give em time..they will come around. If not there loss.

Awe man that just sucks. I continue to be amazed at the insensitivity of some people. The loss of certain "couple " "family" friends and being left out of social parties was a tough pill for me to swallow too. It's just blatant disregard for others feelings. I also came to the conclusion that some people are truly so self absorbed they aren't even aware of the hurt they cause. I now realize those friendships must have been superficial and surface to pull that kind of stuff. I have seen it plastered on FB...and also had it discussed right in front of me.....My oldest son felt the sting because he was friends with several of the kids who always came too (including the host son) Now...I am surface friends/acquaintance friends with those people when I have to. I actually now find them boring as hell...But for several years being left out just stung stung stung. So sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else.

I echo this. You are a beam of light SVS...to everyone who meets you and through this board.

So much of it is phoney. But I only lasted 3 weeks. Funny thing....when I was on there...this cute guy kept messaging me...saying he traveled all over Ohio...He owned multiple businesses...was a millionaire blah blah blah. He kept wanting to meet in my town when he was working down here on some deals. Also that he was 6'3, etc. Today I am in walmart with my kids....this annoying traveling photo sales person starts trying to get my sons attention then follows us till I turn around. I made eye contact and recognized him. He wanted my name, phone, email to get in the sweep stakes drawing. I said " Not interested period" When we left we went out the opposite door to avoid him. He was also the height of my 10 yr old...about 5'5. Blah!

I no longer get the "I don't know how you do it"...and haven't for years. I am old news here...I just do it. But in the early days (and all 3 under 5) I got it ALOT. And I admit I found it annoying at the time. It got to the point I would make some smartass comment like "I don't know either...want to hire me a nanny or come help?" Or "Well if I didn't do it...my kids would be taken away and thrown into foster care...boy what gossip that would be" But I was angry and bitter. I don't suggest handling things that way at all. People I am sure genuinely admire what we are doing and our courage to forge ahead. They really don't know what else to say. Just say thank you and let it roll off your shoulders.

So my daughter was at a safety camp yesterday afternoon (she's 8)...One of the kids from a nearby town said "So you don't have a Dad"... this was her explanation. "well yeah..I have a Dad...he just lives on the other side..the spiritual world. I still feel his energy around here sometimes but he no longer lives here. You know like different worlds-like Minecraft-different levels of the other side sometimes can overlap with Earth World. You know like Minecraft. There are portals and vortexs too where spirits travel back and forth...You might have one in your house". Well Shit. I am sure the poor kid went home a little perplexed. She's usually very quiet...she's creative/independent but quiet.

Sending you peace and strength as you approach the day. I get it.

(((((hugs)))))) I am so sorry. I don't know much about the disease. But sending you lots of strength, light and good energy.