Sugarbell

I would still leave the kids at home and go with new guy. Take the youngest who wasn't causing a stink at Memorial Day party. If it's a kids party primarily-then drop the kids off and don't go. But if it's the traditional adult friends graduation party...don't reward them by leaving new guy out. "what you allow is what will continue" And yeah I am another no nonsense hard ass with my kids...I admit it. Some disagree but there Dads death has never been allowed to be used as am excuse for bad behavior.

Don't let your older boys make you a door mat damnit! Whose buying the gift or giving the graduate money? You. Lots of graduation parties seem to be more for adult friends of the parents rather than the kids friends (cause the kids friends well aren't going to give them money) Sorry...that's just how I see it. I had two graduation parties two weekends ago...all adult friends and family. The graduate had only like 2 of his friends there. Take new guy..go to party...enjoy your evening. Leave kids at home. I thought of you-my oldest whose only 12...was having a power struggle with new guy last weekend on a weekend trip. Not bad-but bossy boy is used to being in charge on trips...he felt annoyed that "He doesn't do things like we do" Ugh. Younger 2 were great. Think I am going to do separate getaways with just him and then just my kids. My oldest transferred his annoyance to bullying and bossing the younger two-and it stressed me out. And it was mild compared to what you've dealt with. But I can see the handwriting on the wall with my oldest.

Bring him anyway. I know it maybe culture and we are pretty informal here-but I have taken new guy to a few parties where the invite was just to me. Sometimes it says "and guest" Sonetimes not. But I guess it Depends on your area. I guess I figure...if they want the graduation/wedding gift and money-then let me bring my date. I don't take any offense to it...we aren't " Mr and Mrs" that's the only time I think both names should be included (unless you've been living together and a couple for years...but in this case they probably didn't give it a thought. Just bring him.

Ugh...my relationship with my Mother is just complicated and complex. She will see the bed...she notices when I have a new blouse then lectures me about money. And she thinks new guy is a player...and I am going to get hurt. Her argument is "It's been 15 years why hasn't he gotten remarried?"...Of course...if it had only been one year I would get lectured as well. The sex addict thing is just weird. Yeah..I think she's pissy...bored...and yea I am sure she's reading this...or will be soon. Controlling...I am the kid she couldn't control (and trust me she does control some aspects of my life--but not all at all. ) And of course through my 6 month marriage in my face. I honestly don't think she wants me with anyone. Seriously...because if I am with a significant other she has less control. My Dad is the polar opposite....he's 80 and can't hear..but I have always been very close to him. I know my Mom on some level resents that bond. (He's the guy everybody loves and gravitates to...doesn't try...retired steelworker, mountain man...but people just love him.)My Mom was the pretty school teacher every student had a crush on. Rambling. Sorry...thinking out loud.

Eww "honey baby sugar" shit before ever meeting in person? Next.... Online dating (I lasted 3 weeks) is exhausting, demanding and to me was overwhelming. I don't know if you live in an urban area--but if I did (and I don't) I think I would like the speed dating. 15 minutes face to face then next one. Most people joke within first 15 minutes of meeting face to face whether there is even potential for a second date. Don't waste your time letting them chat/text you up. If you live close meet for coffee or Sonething. You can't really tell until you meet in person in my opinion. The constant chat is what always burned me out early.

She,has,some medical illness and does take shots for ms. By my standards new guy isn't really kinky...but is pretty experienced. He works full time and owns 2 businesses. One of which is a mattress store. My bed is old and has been broken for a year --yes before him from my daughter jumping on it. This weekend he surprised me with a new king bed mates and boxsprings. His intention was not sexual--he gets this stiff wholesale and we've talked about it. But when my mom sees this new beefy bed....this is not going to help things. Oh gawd her head will explode.

I think you are thinking of me telling MIAB that she should just go camping with her boys! It was with Boy Scouts... But yeah the whole thing is ridiculous.

My daughter brought home a key chain she made at school for her brother for Fathers Day and a card for my Dad. A few kids asked why..her little friends said "Her Dad died" and that was it. (No clue why they have to do Father's Day shit at school...but I have done this now 3 times in Kindergarten and 3 times In first grade. Didn't sting with her-and I could tell she didn't give it a thought. My oh with my oldest (it was only 1-2 years out) it stung. Man it stung.

We have 2 cats...Maggie from the shelter. 3 yrs old. Beautiful black and white...but very aloof and edgey. She is a one person cat (me or my daughter) More than 2 people in the house and age hides. And we got Butters (orange male cat) last summer. My neighbor found him when he was a kitten and brought him home to us (we were on vacation too elsewhere). He loves everyone..total lap cat and is sneaky, ornery and playful. Around midnight every night all hell breaks loose cause he wants to play and chase Maggie. It's romper room most the night but we have learned to sleep through it. (Sorta)

And yea I will erase this within an hour...Cause I know she'll be reading my shit probably tonight (yeah I think she has found this board) But WTF? LOL.

Old board is down...I haven't discussed anything about physical relationship with new guy. My Mother hasn't met him...because she doesn't like anyone I have ever been with. Ever..including DH the first year-So I have kept my personal life distant from her. Outta the blue...I get this "Your new guy is a player...I just know. He's smart and suave...I think he's a sex addict too. I had a dream and he was hanging out with Tiger Woods. He hasn't cheated in you yet...because you are obviously taking care of his needs" Yea...my mouth is just open and I have this horrified look on my face. Then she continues... "is he kinky? Bet he is...I know it...I know things" Now I am really mortified hearing this shit from my 73 year old Mom. So I decided to bite back... "like wear women's underwear kinky? Oh yeah all the time. "foot fetish kinky? Absolutely we both are the fetish. "He likes to dress up as a woman too Mom. And is with me because I have big feet and he can wear my heels". She glared at me and shut up. WTF??? Is my Mom getting dementia?? I had a headache all last night after this conversation . Never in a million years did I ever think at 44 years of age..my elderly Mom would drill me about sex. Sigh

Technology is the one that still gets me. The changes in phones, social media, computers...all of it. So much has changed since 2007. Honestly...it's kinda scary how quickly technology is changing in rapid speed. My Mom predicted technology would be the destruction of mankind back in 2003 after she retired from teachers computer science for 30 years. But yeah...I do it a lot with anything media related still

Something I started doing a few years ago....I always buy myself something (pedicure or flowers or just something little on Fathers Day). Usually don't on Mothers Day...cause that's like all the other Moms. I think the men should celebrate themselves too on Mothers Day (even privately without kids knowing if that's better). I think we've earned the right to do so. No...we will never be "Dad" and the guys will never be "Mom"...but all of us I am sure have been totally out of our normal comfort zones and are doing "Dad" or "Mom" roles that we never thought we would do...or be comfortable doing. Plus when I am happy on Fathers Day-my kids pick up on it and are happier. Stupid made up dumbass holidays.

We ignore it..always skip church...either do an all day outing or weekend trip. Camping 2 hours away this year at a lake I have never been to. My kids half the time don't even realize it's Fathers Day. We kinda ignore Mothers Day too. (send grandparents cards...but I don't like the made up Hallmark holidays--I don't need a day to remind my kids to remember there Dad.

I identify myself as just me. No ones wife or girlfriend. It took a while to get comfortable in my own shoes again-but so worth it. For me...DH is the father of my children...that's honestly how I refer him...and my late husband when needed. But after 8 years...no I no longer think of him as my husband. He is the father of my kids...that will always bond me with him. (and this is just me.. Not at all saying anyone needs to do this)...I had to gain identity on my own...and process my relationship with DH before I could totally give to any relationship. New guy...he's my exclusive love interest with strong potential for future melting lives together (like in 10 yrs).. My brain just gets confused...so I had to handle it at my own pace.

You know....my very early years....a few very seasoned wids (who aren't here much now) would call me out on my shit when it came to dating. I got pissy...but there wasn't a flame war or me justifying...usually I made a smartass comment then the thread died. Can't remember if I was just blabbing about it or asking for advice. One (Raymond) would call me out....at first I got pissy at him but we became very good friends. And the seasoned wids were right. I was an utter train wreck and needed reeled back in (Not to mention high as a kite but I never discussed that with them-except ray) But Trying is right.....Some posters I am done with. It is exhausting...it was exhausting on ywbb and exhausting here. So to keep myself nice-not even going to read them. Outcome is too predictable anyway

And I still don't understand these specific gender role events. Like a Mom can't camp??? Total bullshit. I think we as a society set ourselves back 30 years when organizations come up with these traditional gender role events. I asked new guy last night if he dealt with this stuff as a kid cause his Dad died when he was 7...He said no place did that kind of stuff where he lived except Boy Scouts...and his exact words were "But that was Boy Scouts...even back then we all knew ahead of time they were a little chauvinistic" (Which his Mom never let him or his brother do scouts) I dunno. Just annoying.

Thanks guys.... When he was telling me I just thought "Awe man...here we go again". Of course my son is only 10...but his Dad died when he had just turned 3. He's a positive kid...but I just hate that so many years later-at least once a year each kid has to deal with it in some way. Cream cheese couple was a term I learned 20 years ago in my first job. lol. It means a cute pure looking couple/family. You know the type where the boys wear matching sweater vesta to the Dad and the wife/daughters have coordinating dresses...matching bows...have that "I live in a bubble and nothing bad ever happens to me because I am so blessed" I know it's ugly of me...it's just a term to describe it. No clue why they call it a "creme cheese couple/family"...I am sure SNL has done a skit on the type I am talking about lol

I have a physical type-Super tall, dark hair...lean. Ironically DH looks like my Dad when he was young and had similar characteristics to my brother (oh gawd Freud would have a hayday. And I have yet to date anyone with those physical characteristics. However... New guy...physically isn't my normal type..inch talker than me, lighter hair. Very muscular. BUT...mentally he thinks like DH. He's witty and sarcastic. He's smart. He's a fiscal conservative and social liberal. He's open to new ideas and is interesting to talk to. He's ambitious. The older I get those are the things that I gravitate to in the long hair-not so much physical like in my 20s. So yeah...I think we all have a "look" or qualities of waft we fall in love with.

Before I say anything.....I am only referring to the Baptist church in my tiny town. Not all Baptists. Well...my 10 yr was sitting with 2 of his buddies today on the bus to a field trip. They were talking about not being at school tomorrow because they were going with there Dads to the mts to the father/son camping trip. Yea...one asked where his Dad was...blah blah blah-you all know the drill. This is a very conservative church...where the Creme cheese couples go who wear the coordinating matching outfits on Sundays. 110 kids are going from elementary school. I knew about it...was just hoping my middle son wouldn't be asked-well he was. On a positive side he did say "Well my Mom takes me camping, hiking and fishing all the time anyway...if we went to that church she would be my Dad and go. She could out camp most guys anyway" He handled it the best he could. Now he's at his baseball game. It still though makes me sad as it does him that he has to still deal with his Dads death. 8 yrs later. It is what it is I suppose. Ugh.

In a nutshell yes. You filter out dumb stuff-because your head and heart have faced the worst. It does get better with time. I am much more sympathetic now as opposed to my early years. (((hugs)))

Love Dr Bob one of the founders of AA/NA Seriously...it's free therapy...Pretty much live my life by the steps in everything. Sorry to hijack...Back to dating widow/divorcee Lol

First off (((((Hugs))))) I have never been in a long distance relationship post widowhood so I am not much help there. I can relate that around the 4 year mark was when I said "I am fed up with this shit" and made some major changes in my life. (Got clean, went back to work, got healthy...got into new interests, etc) I get the being tired of the secure job....Lord I have had so many careers since college..Just my personality. And yes..: when it starts sucking the life outta me is when it's time to go. It does give you a sense of freedom and enlightenment when you are no longer a slave to a job. I mean don't leave until you have something else lined up....but oh I do understand (my Mom is still waiting on me to come back home and teach elementary school-which is what my BA is in. But it's not my calling) I happen to believe that money, security, etc....all takes care of itself when you are pursuing your passion. I have made 20,000 a year to six figures in some jobs. I just adjust my lifestyle accordingly and somehow things work out. Maybe a naive way of living....but at 44...it still works for me.

Never heard the song. In NA we say. "Two sickies don't make a wellie"..:Meaning two addicts early in recovery dating are usually a disaster. We call it 13th stepping. Maybe my 1year min was based off of the philosophy or so many recovery groups. Recovery can be from other things not just drugs and alcohol. That's not just my opinion...they have years of research behind that shit: "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"--Another philosophy of NA/AA. Good stuff.

I had a secret crush on DHs best friend early on. Actually I still find him quite interesting but would never act on it. (he's 41 never married..doesn't want kids...yeah we r attracted to each other but it would've been a mess) He's now an extension of DH to me and the kids. I am friends with his Mom (she's a widow lives at the beach and teaches yoga)..We go see her when we are down there. But dating this dude wills would've never worked. But we are still buds...He does a lot of suicide prevention work and raises money/walks on our team every year for OODW. If you are both single-Why not?