Sugarbell

The first year or two it literally took my breath away...I had major panic attacks trying to keep it together for him. His birthday is always the biggest over the top party...and my other 2 kids have never complained or gotten jealous...nothing is ever said..but it's just the way it's always been. M The past 5 years...it's always been extremely busy..strange...but their is always half a dozen things crammed into one day (2 years in a row I got stuck working baseball concessions/then party...One year we had to travel a few hours for baseball game then party. This year...kids from 2 different towns...party...plus getting up early to walk OOD walk (on DHs D day) and see old friends of his that I don't see very often. The walk is always an emotionally draining experience. So it's really no longer a sad day...but a day of sheer exhaustion.😁😳😣🙄. I guess it's always helped me from thinking too much on that day. Still 9 years later it's a little overwhelming. Smell of Fall still takes me back almost a decade...probably always will.❤️

9 years Sept 24th since DH took his life. For those who don't know that is also my middle sons 12th BDay. Every year he has a blow out party...he always wants it here..and wants it at our new house. He never discusses that it's "the day" but this year he requested next door neighbor from Stepfords kid and 2 other friends from Stepford. His comment "They are always with me on my BDay..since the beginning"--I knew what he meant. And he's having 3 friends from new town spend the night. And of course...I am letting him. I am nuts but this is what I do every year. Oh and OOD walk...it's the 24th in the city outside of Stepford...walking (only not at all involved anymore with planning it).. Picking 3 friends driving an to our house...new friends show up...all nighters...drive north next morning to take old friends home. I will probably be throwing this kid huge Bday parties when he's 30. This has become my normal this time of year.

Just my experience 9 years out (and I do think time does play a factor in most cases) I have seen couples...both widowed...have a great relationship..talk about late spouses, grieve, heal and fall in love...It works with 2 widowed peeps. Widowed/Divorced or Single...a little bit goes a long way. Sure..you don't forget about them..if children are involved it's always there and kids will always miss that parent...it should be recognized and honored...but we don't allow room for the new love...if they always feel in the shadow of the deceased love. I am 9 years out...and I did feel different the first few years...I had the "Well they need to deal with it" attitude. But really...if a guy went on and on about ex wife...9 years out (divorced )... It would be tough not to wonder??? No we are never completely over it...but I have learned to keep some things very close to my heart private. It's not fair to expect a new guy or lady to have to absorb all of our stuff...Even if it's your second soul mate. I try to reverse the roles and think how I would feel if I was divorced and a widowed guy went on and about late wife.?.! Probably not making any sense. And yeah I know I am selfish with relationships. 😳.

Unfortunately most are very naive...Even the "prevention " people who have done this for years. While I do agree with youth...programs..especially with targeting bullying/cyber stuff..can help...youths brains aren't fully developed...and they can make fatal impulsive decisions. Adults??? No...this isn't something you can "phone a friend" and it will suddenly go away. I so desperately wanted to write "You all have no idea what survivors go through...weeks, months, years before the completed suicide...how many attempts they have stopped....what they have gone through before the final act. And why so many are just numb and fatigue when it finally happens. I think at least once a year...these band aid people after a suicide do this crap. Usually last a few weeks month at the most. And they all are blabbing how they are now survivors... They have no fucking clue the aftermath trauma the real Survivors (family) will go through in the months and years to come. I just find it naive and yet insulting and disrespectful.

And my FB newsfeed has been blowing up about it. Everyone now acts like he was their special BFF and suddenly everyone is on the prevention bandwagon If I read one more "Stay up all night and talk and be there for your friend it could save a life" I will scream. I was friends with him...but haven't spoken in 25 years...same with everyone else...but yet these "friends" are now experts on preventing suicide. I have kept my mouth shut. Everyone in town in attending the funeral...Yea we had over 600 at Bens...most I never saw again...many I had no clue who they were. It was like a fucking reunion for some people. Only about 40 people from the funeral kept contact with us and were there for my kids. And I keep seeing "How hard" this is on people in the community.... But no mention about helping his parents, wife and kids. This is about them....Not about people who are now practically strangers...just because you had Biology class with him 30 years ago doesn't mean you are now especially close best friends. Sorry....just been really striking a nerve with me...and I can't say it publicly anywhere else but here.

"the importance of touch". I take it then...those of us comfortable with being single...nothing wrong with a FWB or a "playboy neighbor" (or play girl neighbor). But...and I know I am weird...I agree you are better with the RIGHT person...But if you aren't picky and settle for the WRONG person...well you end up a hot mess. I tend to be better physically when I am single. Last relationship I let myself gain 16 lbs in a year..didn't work out a lot...because I got "comfortable" with late night dinners etc. When I moved...and got single...got myself back in a gym 5 days a week (and my brother works there and is a trainer)...Weight is off...I feel healthier. So I don't feel like an Ass anymore for having a FWB. 😄😊😃

Yup. He used to not be at all....that's why I think the relationship continued on as long as it did. I haven't changed. He has. Nice guy to me and my kids....just too many things now irk me...I need to cut out sleeping with him occasionally. It's not worth messing with my peace of mind. Not fair to him either...even though he says "It's cool...it's like every guys dream". I am just not good with heavy duty relationships...I have guy friends...I think like a guy half the time. I like things a lot of girls around this area don't. I am independent (he tried and still makes comments about my little house-it's not that little..it's 2000 sq ft..it's simple..but it's decorated the way I like it and it works for me and the kids. He keeps throwing up "We could get a huge home with land for the kids if we bought together". Some women would jump at that opportunity. I like MY place...it's "small" but it's paid for. IN FULL. I can stretch a dollar a long ways. He has lots of debt. Think when my kids are grown...I will run away and just join a commune. (And I am only half kidding)

Tricky thing is we were in a relationship for a year and a half...In May when we were moving I cooled things off. When we were in a relationship...I lived an hour away...he was very busy so I had space still. Since we moved I am 25 minutes from him. (our move had absolutely nothing to do with him..my family is from where we live now). So I sense he wants to be all together more. And he's no longer coaching football so his Friday evenings are free. I really don't want to do the Tinder/hook up thing..I have friends who do it..but it's nice that we do know each other well...I don't want to sleep with anyone else (don't have the time or energy)...But I don't want him at my house hanging out all day me his...or him thinking he's going on trips with us. Yes...I have subtlety told him. Actually was a little blunt. Ironic thing...before me most of his interests were FWB...he would do it for years because he said he didn't have time for anything else. Now that his daughter is grown...he doesn't like time on his hands. So wants a relationship.

Remember the guy I was seeing with great job, home..but messy? Like wouldn't take care of anything???? Well he now has a weekly cleaning lady...and is wanting to woo me back. But I don't love him. Like him yes. In limited amounts. We've had occasional sex...the sex has always been amazing..and it's tough to find someone sexually you are compatible with. We get each other in that area. He just annoys the shit out of me outside the bedroom. I don't want a relationship...I don't want seen around town with him, at ballgames..etc. I don't want to spend the entire weekend with him. There really isn't anyone else...just outside of sex...we aren't compatible. He used to be super busy....suddenly he is wanting to spend lots of time with me...cause of course I don't want to. Like wants to go on weekend trips (and he would pay for) with the kids and me. I don't like traveling with him. It gives me a headache. Gawd I am horrible. I've been trying to lead in the direction of "no strings" but he wants 100 percent. Can't do it. But the sex is therapeutic. Don't judge...I am beating myself up enough about it. Just had to verbalize it.

Wow. I am so sorry...Sending you peace and strength. My kids are younger...but I know this could happen to any of the 3 of them. Any of us...and really in my experience..with what I have seen with my friends kids...any type of situation. It's a tough tough age post high school...and for whatever reason seems more common with boys/young men. I know you are sick right now with worry...but you did do the right thing. I think you would be second guessing yourself no matter what decision you made. We are here for you.💜

It seems like many don't understand not having time for a relationship...Or they say it's an excuse...between work, taking certification texts, being actively involved with my 9 11 and 13 year old, taking care of my house... There isn't much left for a real relationship. Dates..on occasion... The only time I craved a relationship throughout the past 9 years..well it's when I have time on my hands...needing something to divert my attention. So I don't need it...too many tabs are already open...I would have to short change my kids or work or something else.

First 4 years rarely traveled. I had 3 tiny kids. Took my sons (but not daughter too young) to beach once that's about it. However...past 5 years..lots of travel with my kids and sometimes guy/girl friends. DH and I traveled a lot before and after we were married..through work and on our own. Almost every weekend we headed to the mountains. I have taken the kids to all the nountain places we went. Now that I think about it...I haven't traveled solo except thru work. I wouldn't mind it...just always have at least one if not all 3 kids with me.

To stay clean takes work and daily meditation for me. While my brain and body are healed...I still have triggers..the pressure with moving this summer was a trigger...I have learned to manage it...but become a raging bitch when on stress overload (but a clean/sober bitch). I probably got clean for a few days/weeks dozens of time then relapsing. It was a vicious cycle. My "awakening" with DH was my miracle. Most don't believe me..and I never discuss it IRL. Anyone who knows how powerful addiction is does believe me though..no rehab, no NA meetings.its about a less than 1 percent success rate to get and stay clean for over a year with no help I had help..just not in this "earth world" My friends Mom does get counseling on how to deal with her daughter and not be manipulated. She's pretty much accepted that she may not ever see her again alive. Breaks my heart for them.

Awesome! Way to Go Maurenn!😊 I had to take 6 college hours this summer to renew my permanent teaching certificate. Just mailed out transcripts/application today. Working as a long term sub..but can't apply for full time teaching position till in comes in. I feel like I have been working/studying/moving/ for a year. Studied and passed Praxis for additional Social Studies 5-9 endorsement and studying for Special Ed endorsement test middle of Sept. I feel like I have reinvented myself half a dozen times since becoming widowed almost 9 years ago. Life is constant change...nothing remains static..

I am going up to Letchworth State Park over Labor Day weekend (a trip I have rescheduled several times ...anyway Lily Dale is on the way so I am stopping. A few friends want to plan a girls trip next summer there and didn't know if anyone had ever been. ?

I am out at principals school on assignment all this week. He's very professional though in school setting. But such a super nice guy.😊

Thanks TM Yes it does...I am going on 5 years clean from pills...yet I work recovery everyday cause I know I am one pill away from going back to where I was. It is devastating on the family of addicts.

Can't share this anywhere else...so sorry I am blabbing. My folks have been neighbors with several families for over 40 yrs. One family-right next door had a daughter 2 years older than me that I grew up with. She was always wild, but smart..As a young kid I looked up to her..she taught me how to twirl a baton, make the cheer squad, etc. I started sneaking out at 14..going to her house, drinking partying etc. My Mom obviously couldn't stand me running with her...it was trouble. But she had good qualities too..and was 2 years older so we had separate school friends..it was more a neighborhood friendship. She became a nurse..long story shortened...lost her nursing license 2 years ago. Opiates, stealing pain killers repeatedly. I think she had always been a high functioning alcoholic..but opiates sent her over the edge. Now..divorced, lost her home, sold all belonging for heroin. Is homeless living on the streets of Memphis shooting up. Last time her folks talked to her (3 weeks ago) she was in a homeless shelter. They won't let her come home until she agrees to go inpatient long term to rehab. She won't. She is bullheaded and self destructive. Just makes me ill for her and her family. Her brother is a successful engineer/plant manager. He used to party with us (he's 4 yrs older than me).. but never pushed the bounds like she did..didn't cross the threshold. What a waste of intelligence and talent. ..and it makes me really reflect that it could've been me. I hate drugs...I call them the earths demon.

Assistant baseball coach I wouldn't go out with. That would not be cool with baseball being "the" sport here and having 2 sons who play. Principal yes...Even my sons when they talked to him said "He's really nice..he doesn't look 52." Plus I have known him/his family my entire life. It's still a little close for comfort...but I think I will take him up on dinner. Out of town of course.

Clashing of the Worlds is a good description. Only good thing..you've weeded through all the nitty gritty already. I know background, family, political views all of it already. Elementary school principal is in my little private FB group of fellow liberals...he does outdoorsy camping trips with his kids (joint custody so he doesn't have them all the time)..And is well respected here. He's also a former all state athlete so knows sports., coaches, etc. And he's 6'4. When I hugged him it was so nice to reach up to a guy.😎. But yeah..with it comes talk talk talk...but really he's about as boring as me nowadays..so nothing exciting to say if we went out. His ex wife is the town veterinarian...So everyone knows her too.

No...not exactly...Although I love a quick wit and outdoorsy type (like DH). Unfortunately they are few and far between in these parts. And this is shallow...but I need tall. I've gone out with shorter (shorter to me is 5'10-6'0). I am 5'10... DH was 6'5. I miss a tall guy...I've tried shorter...I just can't really get into them. Ugh

In Stepford..I wasn't connected to the community thru roots and it was close to a "city" so I never dated anyone in Stepford so this wasn't an issue. Hometown is larger (but still small town)I know many people from early years growing up here..and I am not quite sure how to navigate potential dating. One man..he grew up 4 houses away from me..a few years older..was in our gang of kids who played together. ...we've been FB friends for years.he asked me out a few years ago-turned him down because I was seeing someone...Well we ran into each other at our kids Bible school (he's 52 but has a 6 and 9 yr old).. our 9 year olds are going to the same school/same class..There was still chemistry we hugged blah blah..he said we should do dinner sometime. He's a well known principal and coach at another elementary school. I am a permanent sub for the county. I just feel like I am mixing worlds even with an innocent dinner. Then my kids asst baseball coach-who painted and helped get my house ready. Same thing. Said "We should do something sometime-go hike to take a day trip" Baseball is hella competitive here...Again mixing worlds. Both guys are divorced...respected in community...but lives are intertwined. But yet...if I don't intertwine...I really won't meet any available guys...Unless I go online which I refuse to do. So I am stand off ish...nice but not encouraging anything more. Am I missing potential good men here? Should I just say the hell with it?? And not worry about professional/kids stuff complications?

Beautiful photo Serpico!!! Congrats to you both.

At almost 9 years...I always put their Dads name with deceased beside it. If I was remarried...I would still do it then list StepDada name and info. I will do it till they graduate. Do whatever is comfortable to you. I just never wanted any preconceived notions about my kids.

My kids are starting a new school district...my daughter is going after school to a lady's home after school daycare for about an hour until I get off work to get her. Great lady..several school teachers kids go to her..my friends highly recommend her. So we go out to meet her..tour the home:..she's going over paperwork.my sons were with us (they are Going to a middle school close to our house-they can walk home..daughter going outta district elementary so she needs a place until I can get there). The lady was talking to my boys about how tall they were, sports,,, blah blah..then she says "Your Mom is tall..how tall is your Dad?" My oldest...very socially self conscious says "He's 6'5"..and leaves it. Then my daughter blurts out "Yeah but he won't ever be picking me up..cause you know he's dead" Awe man.middle son rolls his eyes at her...oldest hits her arm and says "S really??" And my 9 year old says "Well he is.." While twirling around. The lady was embarrassed and uncomfortable but bless her heart..stayed on task. New school...something tells me this is going to come up again. (At almost 9 years)