Sugarbell

Andyswife-Me too. I know some on here really advocated for complete honesty to kids as young as possible-but it's a double edge sword. I told mine because I HAD to living in Stepford...my younger 2 have no recollection of anything..but I couldn't chance them finding out elsewhere. April-My kids are well adjusted..and have far exceeded my expectations of how they would thrive 8 years ago. And my kids saying to friends "He got really sick from a disease and died when I was really little" Usually is enough and people move on.

Erase him number and texts so you aren't tempted to contact him. Once the numbers are deleted-you won't be tempted to call at a weak moment. No contact... Take mini trips to stay busy and keep mind occupied. Do things that make you feel good...feel pretty. Spend time with other people. First month stay super busy...you are used to the habit of him filling your time...you need to break the habit by staying busy. But I don't think it's over yet...y'all will go back and forth for a while first. (That's where I am too.:.not trying to be a smart ass...)

My oldest has been living with my parents this semester and going to middle school in my childhood hometown. He's thrived, loves it...Two of his closest friends down there are kids of friends of mine from high school. Luckily these 2 boys know the deal..so when anyone starts probing about my sons Dad they tell them to cram it.🙄. But my now 13 year old (4 when Dad died)... in a new place more kids ask "Where is your Dad?". He was talking to me this weekend and he said "You know if he would've just died of cancer or a car wreck it would be a much easier story to tell"--No offense to those survivors this is just how my son feels. He's not dwelling on it...he doesn't like talking much about it..never has. But this weekend when he was in he did tell me "You know I remember when he died...I remember telling you he died then getting sick..I remember all of it". I didn't probe because he will shut down if I do. He asked me if I was traumatized when I found the body, asked me if I had PTSD afterwards, etc. He's never asked those things before...he was too little and couldn't empathize the way an adult would. He did tell me he wasn't going to tell people if they asked how his Dad died. I told him to do whatever is easiest. His younger brother and sister usually just say "He got sick and died..done disease I was too little to remember". But my oldest now a teenager...is seeing it differently. And we rarely talk about his death/cause of death at home...when I mention their Dad it's always things we did and happy memories. I know lots has been done to lift the stigma of suicide. But sorry...for kids..especially preteen/teenagers it's still there.

I wouldn't future think (yea I know that's not for everyone though). Some guys don't like to talk, plan ahead, etc...They like to do...like in the here and now. You have mutual activities you both enjoy and have fun together. The more you future talk the more he will push back. When he sees you don't care about that stuff...then it's more appealing to him. Really...it's what you can live with. If you are happy with the here and now day by day...I think it's perfect. If it's really bothering you that he can't commit or has those feelings (which it may really have nothing to do with the ex or you...some people just don't want to totally commit..its him) then maybe you should give it a break.

Great post! I am by far a better person NOW (8.5 years later). However the first few years was much worse...I became a closet drug addict. I would've been more selfish more judgey...and probably more Stepfordy (-although not to the extent of some). I wouldn't be the Mom I am now. I would've been a good average Mom sure...but I have far exceeded my own expectations (even he died). I wouldn't be as adventurous or as open minded. I wouldn't be as gutsy and I know I wouldn't cherish everyday I am Alive like I do now. i would've Been more career/money/big house motivated like so many here. I wouldn't have the empathy I have now. I wouldn't be into spiritual type gifts...I would probably just look at "this earth world" instead of spirit world. Better??? I dunno....it is what it is...I am happy with what I have evolved into. But it's certainly not a journey for the weak.

Thanks guys. Last night he was on his way to a job interview....and listening to him talk work/stocks/finance etc...peaked me interest back up. That's how it's been....I pull away then something happens the lures me back. This is a higher position, more money/responsibility etc. When he talks work I am intrigued because he's smart and ambitious career wise (you don't find much of that around these parts in men)...And I forget the junk, not taking care of his stuff etc. He has a huge office...yet does all of his meetings off site because he doesn't want people meeting in it because of all his crap in it Its a disaster area. Truth be told...as long as he gives me space (which he gives me plenty of especially when I am pulling back) I am ok with everything. Guess I am not really putting myself out there for a relationship and this one is easy (on both our parts). But we both know it's going nowhere. Sad thing is....I am fine with it going nowhere.😳

Definitely more distance lately....he's not stupid...he will slowly move himself away before he risks me "dumping him". He's as non commital as me...Except his daughter just graduated college and admits that he's had empty nest syndrome. He's 53...I am 45....But I do outdoor things a lot...He doesn't camp, or rough it..Last summer on vacation he did struggle to keep up with us (and he's active and in decent shape by WV standards) I am planning a memorial weekend getaway to mountains...great deal at a farmhouse (communal bathrooms though but like a rustic bed and breakfast).. only 65 a night for 4 of us including breakfast. He wouldn't be into it..he would go and try...but I would be worried about him all weekend and wouldn't have a good time. Starting to feel crowded when he's around with us...not a good sign. It will fade...he will let it fade...but he's a great guy...just don't think we are that compatible. But it will fade over months....Damn.

I want to spend a week in Northern NY in the mts. That's 4 hours north of where we will be...but definitely worth a trip sometime. I noticed on the vacation rentals...July/August are the most booked. Not June (we are going last week in June). Probably because it's cooler. but I love the lower humidity...Southeast humidity in the summer is just intolerable for me the older I get.😳

Yes it is! It was fun. We did Watkins Glen, Buttermilk Falls and Itthaca last summer-and Niagara Want to try out Letchworth this summer and thought I could throw a day in at Darien lake amusement. I love the western side of NY. Our past 3 vacations have been north...I prefer it. The kids at hitting me up for beach next summer in the Carolinas: But I would rather not but will for them

Congrats to you and your daughter!!! For me....I think maybe it's not as bad because I don't know life any different. My oldest hadn't even started Kindergarten when DH died. So every first day of school, conference, awards, assembly...it's always been just me...with all 3. I can't even wrap my head around what it would've been like with both of us doing these things 8.5 years later. The first few years were very tough...I don't know if it was the logistics of dragging a baby and preschooler with me to the oldest school functions alone. The stares in those early days did sting:But for many years now..no one blinks an eye. It's be just me at all the kids functions It's completely the norm. I think i might have felt differently if I had years of the 2 of us at school functions. But I never had it....so I don't know life any different.🙄

Please be careful. Not everyone is prone to addiction...I spent my first 4 years of widdahood drugged out of my mind in a purple haze. It ultimately almost killed me. Looking back...I realize I needed more positive coping skills. I agree with spending as much time as possible outdoors...working out also helps...only doing what you have to do and nothing extra. Getting plenty of sleep. Antidepressants can also be a lifesaver. The pain is raw and deep..and all I wanted to do is stay outta my mind to be numb to it. But trust me...if you don't work though it now...it will catch up and you may have to work through it years down the road. I know it bites..but you can and will get through this

I booked an inexpensive "tiny house" in a community on Faun Lake..right outside of the park. We are going to spend 3 days exploring the parks...this community has paddle boats and a heated pool...and has an indoor bathroom, AC, hot water. It was actually cheaper than the rustic cabins in Letchworth. On the way home...I am looking at stopping at an amusement park...Last year we stopped at Seabreeze on our way home from the Finger Lakes...I am thinking about Darien Lake this year. They have "glamping" packages starting at 125 a night...and it includes 4 free park admission tickets (which those are 30-40 a piece).. so essentially staying free. I love the state of New York...I had no idea how absolutely beautiful it was.

In a marriage the spouse comes first. That's easier with first marriages before kids....and much tougher with the second blending thing. But your spouse should come first (within reason) This is why I enjoy being the girlfriend....and one of the many reasons I don't have a desire to remarry anytime soon. But I think for some people it can work and they can be successful!😊 Congrats!

The past 2 summers...I have gotten the best vacation advice on here... (our PA trip/Hershey and going to Finger Lakes Region last summer)... I am looking to take a few days this summer and check out Letchworth State Park with the kids. I am looking at various lodging..cabin at the park, hotels, B and Bs close by. We aren't going to camp...but could stay in a rustic type cabin at campground. This park looks amazing! I would ask people around here...but everyone here vacations in the South....and I find myself drawn to the North....figured their are enough Northern widdas on here that someone would have tips, experience, etc.

I have never lived in many houses. My folks still live in the same house I was raised in. I had 3 post college professional apartments/townhouses...but always rented. This is the only home I have ever owned. Been here 16 years...With all the updates it looks fresh and new like it did when we first moved in. It's kinda taken me back 16 years...and I had a brief meltdown last night. I know we have to move...we need outta here...it's in all of our best interests...but I couldn't help but have a moment of sentiment. But today ...it's back to moving forward.

And yea the 3 widow thing always baffled me. One was 65...he died of heart attack in the car. Wife stayed here several years after One was 38...he died in a freak chemical explosion at work...Wife and 2 little kids stayed here till she remarried and moved. Me. He was 34... Yes. I definitely pray I am the last.

Thanks! I am pretty excited because the timing couldn't be better: kids can finish school year here...and we can me down there most of the summer so they have time to adjust. After home inspection I will feel much better (I know those can be picky and I really don't want a list of things they demand be done in order to buy). They are ore approved for the loan money. Cleaning out under the house...I am finding old old camping stuff. I rented a dumpster to throw out junky furniture I don't want to move. I have it for a week and it's almost full. I am relieved I don't have to keep it "show ready" all summer and drag the kids out constantly. After 2 days they were worn out. My oldest really likes our new house...even though it's 500 less square footage...the space is more functional and it's going to greatly simplify my workload at home: I am so ready!

Thanks Trying...I am just happy we don't have to drag it out and attempt to keep the house looking good for showings. And it's very happy now...I read books for years on how to get rid of negative energy and how to keep the house light/positive. It's sad letting go of all the memories here..especially with the kids stuff. I don't know how that stuff works...but some things that have happened here I will never be able to explain.

It's been on the market less than 30 hours. I got a low ball offer today...we countered back and forth. Finally agreed at only 1000 below asking price. This young couple (late 20s) just got married in Oct...no kids, professional moving here from out of town. They are me and B 16 years ago when we bought it. Felt their energy all day...can't explain it...but I knew they would be the owners. The house drew them in. The same way it drew us in. The decks..all of it draws a certain type of person in. This house has had 3 owners....all of our husbands died while we were living here. Three widows have lived here. Two were under age 40 with kids. The happiest and saddest days of my life has been in this house. This house has a lightness to it...it also has a darkness...which has been at bay for several years. (My sage/salting/happy prints/plants. But it's still there laying dormant...the darkness is shoved away...and light is all around....but it's still creeping. I am not going to say much more (don't want ridiculed)... but the realtor was worried they wouldn't settle for only 1000 off asking price...and they took several hours to accept. I told the realtor...I am not worried....the house draws you in...I was feeling it all day with them. I hope the house stays light all the time for these folks. Sad to let go with all the good memories we/I/kids have had in this house. But also feel a lightness...I lightness that I survived the bad/dark here.

My oldest was 4 when his Dad passed...he took it the hardest...in turn it was an emotional roller coaster for a couple of years. He totally understood the concept and what was going on...yet immediately wanted a replacement Dad::like a toy I could get from Walmart or something. Every kid is so different at that age...for him...he had to be busy constantly to deal with it. We never did therapy...but I communicated with his preschool teachers and watched things carefully that first year. He ended up doing like his own play therapy and got a lot of things off his chest while playing with trucks, pretending he was q Dad will a son, etc. it broke my heart to watch...but it did really help him. He's now 13....And remembers very little of all of this. Only a few positive select things. Kids are resilient...kids do fall into a new normal much quicker than us adults do. Sending you hugs because I know the heartache you are dealing with..

No worries Mrs Dan...I am wound pretty tight right now with stress overload. My post sounded hateful even though o didn't realize it. Think I am just really spread too thin right now:😂

And in reality I won't make a decision until life calms down and we move. I don't think I am stringing him along and keeping him at arms length. From the beginning we have been on the same page about no marriage not living together. He suddenly changed in the past 6 weeks. I haven't. I respect his mind, his humor. No..I don't respect his life skills. It's more than mowing grass...I think that was the cherry on the sundae....things have been stewing in my mind for a year. I have worked too hard and watched every penny to now have my current house paid off in full (as of last night). we don't waste money.. I am frugal at times. He has no equity...has a second mortgage on old house...no down payment on new home. He makes the hefty mortgage payments..but if they both sold tomorrow-he wouldn't have much to show for it. But living separately it wasn't an issue...he has hinted around that if I would live with him a could've bought a huge house with his income (and my down payment).i bought a modest house that I can pay off in cash...so I will have more cash flow for the kids down the road. It's not just grass....it's a way of life. And this is why 50 percent of marriages fail or people have miserable marriages because they don't work through this shit before they get married. Sorry lolly pops, unicorns and lust doesn't cut it in the long run. (It's nice if you keep that too...but practical stuff you need to be on the same page). So...maybe I don't respect his life choices...with how he takes care of what he has, accumulating junk, etc. I won't apologize for having my standards high...I am picky...been down the desperate road of feeling like I needed a husband....that marriage lasted 5 months. I finally got my shit together...if I ever commit to someone as in marriage again...I expect them to have theirs together too. I worked too hard to still be standing healthy, secure with happy kids. Settling...never again.

Space is what I need yes. He is a good boyfriend...but couldn't live with or marry him: But marriage isn't something that's on my radar so I have been fine with it. And he lives an hour away. He's been pushing more serious stuff lately...and I have been pushing back. When I move we will be 30 minutes away...and I think he feels insecure/threatened with me moving to my hometown because I know everyone there. He's never said just a feeling a get. Sanford and son...he's well on his way. lol...His office at work is so bad (and it's a huge office) that he always goes out for business meeting elsewhere. Never holds them in his office: He's successful and smart...common sense and common sense life skills--majorly lacking. He just buys more. Car breaks down..buys a new one instead of fixing it...leaves old one sitting. I don't think I can keep doing this. My kids like him because he takes them out to eat/movies whatever every weekend: I am not a neat freak with the yard...and to anyone ...the mud donuts just look horrible. When he got me a new bed....he left the mattresses in my garage...he has a large truck...after months of me saying "I have to get these mattresses out of here he took the mattress...left the box spring .. my contractor finally hauled away my box springs. I am really trying to simplify my life..smaller home smaller yard. When he's here at my house lately:..I feel crowded. Like his big bags of clothes are everywhere and I feel myself more stressed when he's here. He's a decent guy though...I just don't think we are life long...or even exclusive dating long term compatible...especially when I move closer and he will be around more than once a week: Makes me feel like I can't breath.

Have been NG for over a year and a half. I have stated before that I have no desire to remarry or live together. I have always known I couldn't live with him and we'll all his junk. The 1962 refinished Greyhound bus..that he had towed to his yard is still sitting there needing the brakes fixed (the widda bus) The Lexus that has never moved because it won't start and he sees no need to get rid of it The weight bench and furniture sitting at his old house (that he rents out) because he won't even try to sell his old house The new house with 5 acres...that now he wants to sell because he has 2 mortgages (with no equity). He makes 4 times what I make...yet I have investments..my house is paid off...because financially I have lived conservatively...And he's a financial person for a living. But you see...I overlook these things and say "Not my problem...we don't live together...I am just a good loyal girlfriend". Until his lack of knowing how to take care of things affected my world. My son was coming up Sunday to mow. He stripes the lawn...had a lawn business..he's very particular about it just like his Dad. I told NG "Don't touch the lawn..son is coming to mow it" When I pulled in to after picking up my kid...my 13 yr old son was mortified "Mom what happened to our lawn??? Look at it" He butchered it...like on the lowest blade...too short...grass still wet...my yard was scalped and the front lawn looks like some one was driving donuts through it. Worst part...he didn't even realize how bad it looked. I ran to backyard and made him get off the tractor...he didn't get it. I explained clearly...didn't sink in. And he got a flat tire on the tractor...my son spent 2 hours changing it...NG acted like he was helping but really didn't have a clue. He got my kids a basketball hoop/stand for Xmas. In a box unassembled...my 13 year old son put it together. He was clueless. My realtor pulled up last night...her response "omg what happened to your lawn???"--Its that obvious. Right now I am just totally turned off...like a light switch just went off. And now he's wanting to come around more cause he knows I am pushing back. Right now...he just gets in the way on weekends...and actually makes more work for me. Sigh here we go. Hope I don't drag this out another 6 months which has always been my pattern-I can't end things quickly This might be the deal breaker. This is why I move slow with things. Really I just want him to disappear until I get my house sold and us moved into new house.

Crap I didn't mean to quite Mitzpah...I meant to quote TS about feeling under qualified for positions she is applying for. I am so tired I am slap happy.🙄