Sugarbell

My daughter (9)... It's a weeklong gradual going to bed earlier...getting up a little earlier each day. But that's her personality...and she's more reasonable lol My boys (almost 12 and 14)...I just rip the bandaid off...it usually only takes 2 or 3 days and they are on a somewhat sleep schedule...but they are cranky for about 2 days. I've tried the gradual thing...they don't do it so now it's on them.

I lost my childhood/adult best friend last March to Melanoma. It was a gut wrenching experience to say the least. We grew up together and I look at her parents as second parents and her older sister and I still communicate. Very close to her family. In each other's weddings...was with her the night she met her husband years ago-long history with the family. Her late husband is a great Dad and guy. He lives in the same town now as her folks. Well a few months after my friend died....a "friend" of hers from her years living in Columbus started contacting her husband: She had been the kids babysitter when they were little. Here is the sticky part....the family is not happy with this woman making the 5 hour trip south to see him. According to her sister...he never travels to see her...she's sought at him. The sister and parents don't understand how his home is still a shrine of his late wife...but he's sleeping with her. The kids (now 14 and 8) aren't crazy about it either. She's not welcome around my bf family according to her sister. i have told her sister that it's not at all unusual for him to want to date and they should respect it (it's been 16 months)... They just don't like it that it's HER...I do see their point (she's an opportunist and came to his doorstep immediately after my friend died and has thrown herself at him) yet I also totally get that he's lonely and the family needs to back off judging. (They are still good to him-). It's a weird place looking at this from the outside...I feel like a DGI...and yet I also know have preached the "your grief your rules" for years. I see it as he's very vulnerable...and she's available....but now I am looking at this as an outsider not a fellow widow. But I also know he needs someone and the family needs to be more tolerant. Weird place to be in.😣

Yes. Not necessarily a gold digger just thought I might want their husbands. It was ridiculous...to the point that one lady (mind you this was years ago when I was still bitchy and angry) got under my skin so bad that I blurted out sarcastically "Um...you know what my late husband looked like...Do you really think I am that hard up that I would lower my standards so quickly"?? She got the point. Never spoke to me again. Some women are just insecure period. To this day..I dress down usually at sporting events...jock looking clothes, sports bra to flatten my chest..ball hat no make up and become friends with coaches wives. That way they don't feel threatened that I want their husbands. It's stupid and childish. But I have learned how to play my cards right for my kids sakes. Much better since we moved though...Stepford I got that shit quite a bit in my earlier widow years (meaning first 5 years) If you don't have to regularly deal with these people just ignore it.

My middle child was 3 when his Dad died. He's almost 12 now...He honestly has no memories EXCEPT all the stories, photos, places we go that I tell him. He is also my child that is his fathers mini me. It's almost like his Dad is still here...looks, mannerisms, personality...it's amazing. His Dad also left the world on his birthday...it's still a little eerie to me. But....he has a strong positive connection to his Dad. More than my oldest son (who was 4 1/2 and is now 13). He feels and connects to his Dad...through memories I and other family members have told him. I He was never angry (that was my oldest and it does subside in time).. but was sad. He still gets sad sometimes...but is an amazing well adjusted young man. If someone would've told me 8 years ago my kids would have turned out as well as they have I wouldn't have believed them. Young kids are so resilent ...much more than adults. ❤️

We got moved in...I closed on the Stepford house 2 weeks ago...paid new house off. My oldest has adjusted to living with all of us again...the house is a little smaller but more functional. Boys love having their own bedroom. We had a deck built onto the house. Living in the neighborhood is definitely living in a glass fish bowl. But I knew it would be..and it's still an adjustment. My neighbors all know my folks...the old ones anyway. Younger families (20s and 30s) are also up here. It's close to schools/town. We have gone to my folks church (not really my thing but it's good for my kids).. Lots of kids, activities..everyone is welcoming. I couldn't move back here until I was really healed and comfortable in my own skin again that took years. Nothing Stepfordlike about this place-it's a pretty colorful combo of just about everything. Been working on getting a permanent sub job with the county. It's so much easier here because I know the powers that be and can get through the red tape easier. Got daughter enrolled in my old dance school. Boys still doing summer ball/golf. Guy friend has fizzled...we talk on occasion no hard feelings...but he doesn't fit with life here. It's just not in the cards. Being single doesn't bother me at all...it's really less complicated. Don't see myself dating again for a while. We need to get established here first. It's a relief to be outta Stepford...and while I do miss my old neighborhood....I don't miss the other yucky stuff. It was truly a different culture up there and it was only an hour away. We haven't taken any weekend mountain trips ....but money/time/responsibilities haven't allowed it. Plus I don't feel as much of an urge to hit the road...because I am not around pretentious folks much here. Playboy neighbor turned 60 last week...and has a 58 year old serious girlfriend.😁. I think his playboy ways have fallen to the wayside with age. lol. That's about it....Onward to new things...And my gut has never waivered that this is the best place for my kids. They have people looking out for them here.. Still want to retire deep in the mountains someday...But for this season of our lives this is the right place.

My new neighbor is 83...she lost her husband in 2013. She's very connected in the community and is a busy lady. I am learning about life just by watching and being around her. You would never know she's 83. Her mind is sharp...physically she's awesome. She is outside from 7am till the sun goes down. Always working on her pool, flowers, yard...out with her dog. She has a quiet sitting area outside, a hammock, talks to everyone. My daughter and the neighborhood kids swim in her pool-She wants it used. She raised 4 kids (now in their 50s and 60s).. Only one lives local and has lots of grandkids and great grandkids. Talks about her husband everyday...wears her wedding rings around her neck. Has no desire to even have coffee with another man...but she hasn't given up on living. She truly lives....even though she doesn't travel (her kids are always wanting her to go on vacation with them-but she won't leave her dog).. she has made her own piece of heaven at home. (She owns numerous lots in the neighborhood)... her mind is sharp I am convinced bcause she interacts daily...Physically she works harder in her yard than many 40 year olds. I am learning from her and she doesn't even know it. We were meant to be in this house/neighborhood. (I mean it has downfalls-I will have to mind myself because it's like living in a glass fish bowl but I knew it would be) Life goes on.

Sending psace and strength to your brother. And to you.

Omg M...didn't see OP...but are you ok?? Is your brother Ok?

That kid is a bitch. This is my weakness as a parent....another kid being cruel to my kid...you are so much classier than me. My inner redneck would've instinctively wanted to rip her a new one. And like an unstable teenager probably would've via text and gotten myself in Trouble...or been passive aggressive and planted seeds for that kids demise. 👹👹 My boys I have put up with mean kids...and we subtlety deal with it. My timid daughter I am really scared (especially since we have moved to new place) might go Apeshit. Total character flaw on my part. You've got a lot going on...give yourself some credit...you didn't totally lose your shit on the kid like you WV redneck widda friend. Want me to go egg her house?? Lol 😤😤😤

8 1/2 years here....I really no longer have triggers. I mean sure at various kids accomplishments..or selling the house I may have a moment of sadness...but it's a fleeting moment. I no longer go spiraling into grief. I can tell you that my rock bottom was at 4 1/2 years out...failed 5 month marriage to toxic ex..a closet pill drug addict..an emotional basket case. Then I got my miracle-or spiritual awakening...and started becoming my whole true self again. Being farther out...and this sounds so generic...but it's time. Time heals. I now have more time under my belt of memories solo with my kids..time has allowed me to rediscover me again..time has allowed me to learn from new or former relationships. Time has given me confidence that I can do this journey and survive/thrive. I don't believe in time frames...time is different for everyone with different needs. We want quick fixes, we compare how far we've come to others..we think we should be at a certain point by a certain time frame. I really no longer look at myself as a widow. I mean yea I guess I am and always will be one...but everything shifted to the light...but it took time. ((((hugs)))

I missed the OP...But I do remember my first year widowed thinking numerous times "My kids would be better off with a 2 parent family...I even checked into the likelihood of siblings staying together and realized with a baby...and all of them under 5..the odds were very good they would get a great family that would take them all. It's embarrassing typing this out now...because anyone who knows me IRL thinks I am "Wonder Mom" but grief, shock...overwhelming stress can make a person break. This does need to be a safe place for us to expose our deepest thoughts that others IRL can't get. Thank God I didn't verbalized me wanting to give up my kids that first year on the board. Harsh responses would have sent over the edge. (((( Hugs ALD...))))

Rebound dates (and sometimes sex) is good for your confidence, mood, motivation. Just be careful of the mind screw that usually hits you (or him) later. Guard your heart...and guard potential dates hearts. But some either become great friends, great loves..or never talk again after one date. I have heard it all. Just glad you feel better...We are here...I get it..trust me...living it right now too.🙄😂

For my boys-I have been extremely lucky to have a old friend in Florida who sends us 2 shipments of hand me downs from her son. This year my oldest is too tall to wear any but my younger son does. She has done this ever since I became widowed and has saved me thousands over the years. Our regular consignment shops here mostly cater to little girls...and the boys sizes are always too small. But we do have a sporting good consignment store...you can sell/receive store credit/etc. I sell the kids sports shops and then buy what they need from my in store credit. Also I check out the really nice neighborhood yard sales selling kids clothes. Nicer neighborhood better than merchandise I have found. My daughter -sometimes we find cool consignment deals. Did get her Easter dress, sweater and shoes at a consignment when I was out of town for work. Really the only new mall/store clothes they get are from grandparents.

OMG...Do we have the same Mother??😬😜✌🏻️. You know I get this.

I think it's a personal choice based on different circumstances. My kids were all under 5...so it was easier for me to mold their Dad only to remember the positive. The last 6-9 months were sheer hell...like you I worried about our safety and I actually took the kids and stayed with my folks right after my daughter was born because I feared for our safety. And actually...he stopped by the house after buying the gun/ammo and planned to kill us all. But we weren't home. To this day I can't remember where we were. However...the 10 year we were together he was a great Dad, husband, provider. No mental illness. I chose to remember that part and that's what I share with the kids. They do not know totally how bad he was..or him stopping by. They don't even know he died on one of my kids bday. They think he died the day I found the body. That's just too much for young kids to bear. But my circumstances (their ages) allowed me too. It's tough all the way around...you know your kids and personalities better than anyone. ((((hugs))))) It's such a traumatic situation. You need to make sure you try to take care of you. Your plate is full and you had trauma before and after his death.

The other day was comical! My friend from high school brought his 3 man work crew for drywaling my basement.... The one who was in charge was a dwarf/midget...he was great and it was amusing watching this 3ft dwarf boss these 6ft men around (but he knows his stuff I felt better with him there!). He wants to put a bid on a deck for me (he saw a few guys stopping by to give me an estimate and was quick to let me know he can do it cheaper). It's at least pretty entertaining...and so far he's making them work!😜

Well no contact..deleted numbers and texts ...Didn't block on FB because that seemed juvenile and its not like he's stalking me or harassing me ... His ego and pride are too big to ever stoop to that level. Right now not sad....just breaking the habit. We've been super busy so it's been easier. It just wasn't going to work and honestly I feel relieved. And really besides having a job and being intelligent-he wasn't my type.

We have a move day June 20th. Closing on old house June 24th. Been making trips with boxes, cleaning, etc. oldest loves it still...middle son excited that he's playing on an 8th grade summer ball team (he's in 6th).. my daughter had a major meltdown once her school ended..she realized the finality. It's been just me since she was 3 months...Stepford, her house, her neighborhood...it's been her security, safe zone. She wants new house just like her old house. I am going overboard doing things with her helping me get new house ready. And have numerous play dates and her birthday party in old house (June 11th). Today worked on her school stuff...got her in summer reading program in new town...but she doesn't like this change. I know she will be fine...But I underestimated her attachment/security here. I spent the day cleaning new house, planting flowers...my sons assistant baseball coach (who I knew from high school) is painting and doing drywall for us. The mailman yelled at me by name and told me that they have been forwarding my mail to my folks house (no clue who he was)... the lady at city building when I signed for water/sewer..I went to school with her son. Saw the mayor-went to high school with her daughter and we are still friends. My friend painting for me was going through my list of contractors for a deck "Nope don't get that guy...he just got out of prison for second degree murder" and was shocked I missed that whole news story in the late 90s. Our high school baseball team is going to the state final four tournament and the town is having a parade for them. Signs were all over town. As I was pulling out of the neighborhood...the circuit court judge who lives up the hill pulled in and pointed his finger out the window and grinned "Behave Dons daughter" (he knew my Dad). It's weird...it's only an hour south of Stepford...but oh so totally different. All the things I couldn't stand as a young right out of college grad..as a solo middle age Mom I appreciate and want this for my kids. Everyone knows everyone (and its 4 times bigger than Stepford) but people aren't pretentious. Feel like I am living in a Live Reality TV show back home. And my daughter forced me to listen to country music with the windows down in town today (Which I can't stand country..but it's a staple here)

I don't know...been doing it solo for so long I don't know what I would've been like 2 parents. I do think I am more involved with all 3...I have learned to think like a guy..relate to guys platonically due to my boys sports..I know baseball..I know golf...That was DHs thing. Not sure I am cooler. I am in the sense that kids have always hung out here...but I think I am more of a hard ass than I would've been otherwise.

I am just going to tell him I need a break. And he will want to call and talk talk talk about it..I realized this morning enough is enough. He's a good guy...he's never been mean or anything..he's good to my kids...smart...just not for me. I've tried...several times to end it...and somehow he sneaks back in. I need the mountains like I need air. We try to go every Memorial Day weekend. We aren't going to leave till Sunday afternoon and stay till Tuesday. And even if I told him that I just wanted to go with my kids...he would be hanging around here Fri-Sun...and I would feel obligated to take him to my kids ballgame, my friends graduation party, etc. I don't want to do that..and it has to be a no contact thing...which will hurt him (like blocking him from my phone and FB). because this isn't going to work... Time to big my big girl pants on and just do it.

Yes...FWB...I don't think that could happen..he's too emotionally invested. I need to grow a set of balls and just end it. I wanted to go to the Mts just me and my kids. My oldest has lived with my parents this semester and I need time with all 3 kids together. He wants a long weekend all 3 of us. He asked me tonight about going to DC and stuff. That's not my idea of getting away. Yet..in the mountains with everything we do...it's just not him. I don't have fun traveling with him with my kids. I mean going to Vegas was fun with him...but not the WV Mts. I am probably not going to go anywhere. Not worth wasting the money if he's with us I will feel suffocated. Plus I have plans on Friday, Saturday and Sunday that I wanted o cancel to go away but not going to. I didn't want to deal with it before we move...but honestly I don't want the baggage starting out in a new place . I hate confrontation...basically I don't do well with full blown relationships. He was a player..he was safe. But now he's changed and I haven't changed...and I feel smothered.

I have a carbon monoxide detector and they checked for carbon monoxide and Raydon during home inspection. It hasn't been that hot here so I leave windows open at night too -I like the breeze. Five hanging ones...2 large ones and three tiny window plants that set in different Windows. Threw them out...that weren't salvageable and I usually get the plants on discount rack at Lowes and nurse them back to Heath (ones that are a little brown) These were like almost black. My freezer started acting up tonight too...Threw everything out.😂. Not scared or anything....I know this houses personality (yea completely weird). Our new house...I know the past 2 owners...al good stuff..good positive vibes in the house and neighborhood. It's just time.

Ok...bare with me...if you think this is ridiculous (energy in houses) Stop reading.🙄. This house..the one that is in contract to sell (thank God) has always had an energy to it. I feel it as do others. It can be warm and inviting (to the point of being intoxicatingly and making people gravitate to it) then can turn dark and suffocating. I had lots of repairs/renovations done to sell. It was over the top inviting...to the point that I thought "Man I am a fool for leaving this house"--It's just a basic split level...lots of decks, etc. but not anything fancy. When I listed it...within 2 hours of being online...3 buyers came to look at it. We were in contract within 48 hours. This little young professional couple was drawn to it...I felt it and them. Hell I even staged my closet with cute cocktail dresses, pretty things, good heeled shoes because I intuitively saw the woman that would buy this house (I just did don't ask me how). So...we are waiting...things going good, inspection passed, appraisal passed, they got the loan...just waiting game of closing date which I want to move up. The energy has now shifted...this place is dark again. Looks the same-looks great-but it's that thing you can't put your finger on that's off (in the past I saged weekly burned lavender..to keep it positive-)... Sunday the brand new kitchen sink leaked-luckily my contractor lives down the street and fixed it. This morning...every freaking plant in the house was dead. Those of you who know me or I am friends with on FB know...I garden have tons of plants inside and on the decks. I.have a green thumb. Every single f$cking place was dead/black this morning. I have always believed that their were spiritual forces at work with my husbands suicide. I keep that to myself...but too much has happened over the past 8.5 years for me not to be a believer. This house-3 owners...all 3 became widows. husbands died while living here (in different ways). It's so time to go. Laugh if you don't believe me. It's time.🌟🌟

Widowers of all ages do tend to recouped quicker....maybe it's a survival instinct I dunno. Some widows do too...but I have met quite a few that are happy years later single. I also think woman are left much better off financially than they were 100 years ago when so many had to remarry per se. So..the benefit of taking on another person to take care of is less appealing. If I lost a child...that would be a different ballgame-I honestly am not sure I would recover from it. I am thick skinned when it comes to romantic relationships (and I am not saying that is a good thing either).. but my kids..totally different person.

Awesome news!!! Congratulations to you both!!!😊