Sugarbell

I think what it is....he left never to be seen or heard from again...it was easier to block that part of my life out when I was getting clean and pulling myself outta the pit. He was a loser ass....but more than that I now loathe the person I was during that time of my life. I literally buried her...as I was rebuilding and fighting for my life. I forgive her..just didn't realize how being reminded would throw me. But I am strong now...I gotta deal with this...if I see him I will speak and move on..No need to hate or feel ashamed. He's a bum he was going to come back here eventually. I didn't want to think of who I was THEN...all I thought about was what I envisioned myself to be clean. I just psychoanalyzed myself. 😎...Thanks for being my sounding board.💜

I think what works for some people....doesn't work for others. Some have certain "guidelines" for them...but those aren't for anyone else. -and those needs can change with years.

Weird. Tell him to get over it. Good lord..

new not knew..stupid autocorrect

This is the confusing part....Each of my 3 kids get equal amount. So I don't know if oldest sons will be redistributed to younger two (meaning younger two receives larger checks once he graduates) One kid has December birthday, another September...so both will turn 18 before graduate...And I am assuming the checks keep coming until they graduate. My daughter is June birthday...and she will be 18 when she starts her Senior year (I held her back a year before starting kindergarten)--So she will be almost 19 when she graduates.

I am not worried about people thinking I was the cause of the marriage demise. I don't want anyone knowing I would lower myself to that level to marry that bum. On the flip side (and this is going to sound arrogant but I don't care)--I think he just LOVES telling people that I was his ex wife..I think he thinks it makes him more appealing to new girl and people. But really makes me look like a complete dumbass. I would much rather people know I am a recovering pill addict (that's everywhere here)--than for people to think I was completely rationale and in my right state of mind and still married THAT. This will be #5...I am guessing he will have at least 7 or 8 wives in his lifetime..If he can find anyone.

Question..when my oldest hits 16, I know his check gets cut some. Does he portion that's cut get re distributed to younger two kids? And..when oldest graduates high school...When he loses his check..does it get redistributed two ways amongst the younger two? So basically..I am asking if I will continue to receive the same amount I am now until my youngest (whose 9) graduates from high school. Anyone know??

Oh I know..He would've gone wherever he could find a place to live and Mommy had a house in Columbus. 🙄🙄🙄. I feel bad for the poor lady involved with him but I am saying nothing. I did tell a few people that messages me about being married to him "That was my rock bottom..I was swallowed up in grief, trauma and pills..that's what it would do to you." Actually I am petty open about my former prescription drug abuse after DHs death...so people realize I wasn't in my right mind. I have talked to oldest son. He was 8 when it ended...toxic ex probably wouldn't recognize him...but he's a good athlete and I know he will hang around sports events. maybe new girl will widen up before he gets the chance to move back. That's my hope. we won't be running in the same circles..but the grocery store, etc is unavoidable. I won't lie...but I will act like I have no clue who he is unless I am forced to address it. Just pisses me off...Why the hell now???? Why did he find a meal ticket now in hometown?? Guess no one in Columbus wanted to support him.😂😜

As far as money...yes you lose your check monthly if remarried...but you still get the same amount...your portion is just distributed to however many kids you have. You would lose his SS at retirement..but if you work..yours will probably be more than his by the time you retire (DH was 34 when he died..now only 9 years later my amount has surpassed his) Health insurance I don't know. if your DH had a pension you will also lose it (I opted for 1/6 of his pension right after he died because their is always the risk it could be gone by retirement anyway) But the other stuff would worry me. My car and house are paid off in full. -At this stage of my life any guy I would marry would have to be at least be my financial equal. But everyone is different...it would cause me too much anxiety to take on another persons financial mess and I know would affect the relationship. But that's me...not everyone feels that way. But I would still wait if nothing else. I get the not living together part...but that would be too big of risk for me.

Try to be concise here. You "oldies" on here may remember "toxic ex" ...I was actually married to him for five months-absolute lowest point in my life...pills were killing me. Outta control. The whole thing from brief courtship, marriage, divorce was about 18 months. It was my Rock bottom. Don't discuss it much even on here...because I hate validating it and giving it any kind of power over my present life. Spiritual awakening...got clean...rebuilt my life..5 years later still clean and life is amazing. Moved back to hometown...getting established in community, church, working..close to getting permanent teaching job. He's from here too...but when I kicked him out..moved to Columbus and has mooched off his Mommy. He's a bum, an alcoholic, a problem gambler...really he's a piece of shit. Well...past few weeks been getting messages from people..."I didn't know you were married to him..he started dating (said girl) from here and said you are his ex wife. (His 4th ex wife) After dating new lady for a month he's engaged. He's wanting to move back here (into her home of course). her daughter is in school with my sons (she's in between them in grades.. But different crowds of kids). He was posting all over FB Friday (people told me ) "Heading to WV for the weekend" I looked over my shoulder all weekend...didn't want to see him in grocery store, Walmart, etc. actually a fearful feeling. It's my issue. I could care less what he does...(yuck)..but this is a small town...I don't want my kids running into him..I already feel like I am suffocating and paranoid. Any advice? I am keeping my lips sealed and discuss this with NO ONE IRL. But I had worked so hard...and I feel like this dark cloud is coming back in town...and this is arrogant but I am so freaking embarrassed.

Don't do it. Not for a good while anyway. Too many loose ends....and even though it's unromantic to say....you might resent him later. Sounds like you have a good thing going. Why add the headache?

We moved to the town I grew up in. I haven't lived here in over 25 years..Anyone their Dad met from here when we used to visit did not know that side of him (he was Mr Prep/Corporate..drove a mini van..appears conservative but inside the van you would have reggae playing and he would be smoking dope. He was an enigma..I keep in touch with 2 of his best friends that live an hour away..they have now traded in the pot smoking days and are great Dads. So that isn't an issue. (I actually am slowly revealing my wilder s days to my oldest because I know everyone here..and he's bound to hear something-Nothing major just parties/drinking in high school. That's been a very gradual process. There are more opportunities here and my kids love it...but with a larger school also comes more negative influences. He has great friends (know all the parents).. they are the athletic/smart group..but I also know kids are easily influenced. He has seen more "couples" fights at school and says their are groups of kids in 8th grade who are the "druggies" and brag about getting drunk/high on weekends. But they live in different areas of town..and the kids are "tracked" by test scores/grades..so most of those kids aren't on the academic track him and his friends are. But I am no fool...he's going to be around it. This was his first time smelling 3 hour old leftover pot smell..and he was worried he would fail a drug test cause the smell was still there (they randomly drug test athletes). But clueless is best I think. His Dad is dead..he lived through knowing how his Dad died since he was 4. He's healed from it...I focus on the good..I want my kids to know their Dad loved them..I won't backslide with an impressionable 13 year old. And he thinks I am a forgetful and clueless half the time. So that helps.😊

I think Portsides clueless "I don't know" is probably best. He was only 4 when Dad died. I choose to remember the good for my kids sakes. I mean at this point telling him point blank "Yeah your Dad smoked pot all the time In the garage."--How would that help my kid?? He's 13...He's brilliant and very wise for his age. He may suspect...or even think he knows...but he thinks I am a scatterbrained airhead at times...so I think playing clueless will work best. Trust me...moving back to childhood hometown...I play clueless like daily when he asks about high school. He doesn't need to know all my skeletons. 🙄

So my oldest went to a party/sleepover last Sat. The parents took six 13 year olds to the movies about an hour away. They left the older son (16) and his 2 friends alone at the house. So when they get home...the 13 year olds go to the basement to hangout...it reeked of pot smoke. (These are good parents who were mortified).. they tried to handle it privately...but the 13 year olds played detective and found a small bag of weed in one of the older brothers friends bags. So...older brother in trouble..his friends sent home. The kids Mom is washing all the younger boys sleeping bags, etc. So...my son is telling me about it...Then blurts out "The basement smelled just like our garage used to when Dad was alive. Like it always smelled like pot...now I know what it was...I never knew but now I know...Dad smokes pot out there. And I lied...."No..don't think so...sometimes he burned sage..it was just sage. I get the "Yeah whatever look..and he says no I know the difference...you burn sage a lot...it's a different smell". But I continued to play dumb. I can't let him know his Dad was a chronic 6 times a day pot smoker the last 9 months of his life. Just can't. Death of a parent when a kid is young...the curse that keeps on creeping up. Ugh.

I agree MrsD and was thinking the same thing. But I am not a birthday person per se once you become a full fledge adult (past 21). He's really overthinking and maybe being a bit presumptuous already. My sons birthday is on his Dad's Death Day...He's 12 and handles it quite well all things considered.

Totally depends on which one you were on...Some are easier to come off of than others (half life, dosage, steady state).. the are all different. And big difference whether it's an SSRI, SNRI or TCA (like trazadone). I would get a medical dictionary online and read up on it. Nothing wrong if you need back on them....some are very hard if not physically tough or impossible to come off of. Also other meds you maybe taking can effect how you do off of them. How much, how often did you take them (one a day twice a day..tiny dose, max dose) Just remember your brain is now adjusting to making its own feel good chemicals...that the meds were helping your brain make. It's pretty tricky stuff. Sometimes meds can safe lives...other times it can be a nightmare getting off of them. Lots of factors involved

Nope. Most wonder how we live as well as we do (and I just have a modest house but in a nice neighborhood and one car-not fancy..but 3kids. We don't live extravagantly..just normal). I have never discussed it. Most assume we didn't get life insurance (we did)..and have no clue our SS is the max amt allowed. I would rather people think I got nothing and wonder. -(which we are just working class not wealthy by any means-but I have friends who have less money with larger homes/cars etc). But I never wanted anyone thinking I was "wealthy". Too many mooches out there.

For thru it. My son and his friends had a blast. Did the walk that morning...people from where we live now followed us up too. Big turnout..our team got a top fundraiser plaque..Socialized with DHs old friends..kids actually had fun. Then partied for the next 24 hours. Jut got back from dropping off the last kid. And I am crashing on the couch. Cried the night BEFORE the day (I do every year).. but day of..Fine, happy and everyone had a good time.

Maybe I misunderstood...Was their a lease?? Most storage units (at least around here).. No lease is signed..in that case..I still stand firm..give the kids the option to take over monthly payments then walk away. Apartment rentals..with leases different story. Storage unit???No.

I dunno...guess I am looking at the whole situation (as you wrote it) and am thinking "Run don't walk" Why was he living with you and your DH for 2 years while you were married? Was he a bum? Did he not have a job? Could he support himself? --Then best friend dies and he offers you his bed??Believe me..it happens...Just weird cause he was living there too.. Now married..and is dealing with a divorce/custody...I maybe judgmental..but oh well...I don't date recently divorced guys..never have..Don't have the tolerance for the drama. I also wouldn't date a recently widowed guy. I know I was a train wreck for a while my first few years (Not saying anyone else on this forum was..this was just me).. I just have a low low tolerance for bullshit in my life...

I agree...quit paying..Let the storage facility deal with it. They will sell it eventually. Take what you want out first...give the adult stepchildren notice and tell them they can continue to pay for the rent on it if they want all the heirlooms (or junk) still in the family. And walk away. My DH was a borderline hoarder..I have very little left of his stuff. My most prized possession of his?? Mountains rocks (boulders) we got from various trips we went on. The rest of the junk I got rid of for the most part. You are RENTING...so its not your problem when you quit paying. My husband died in our storage unit..and the storage unit owners (assholes) made us clean and get rid of all the stuff. They should've paid HAZMAT to come in and do the cleaning. Luckily his friends did it..but they will take advantage of you if you let them. Ugh..Sorry you are dealing with this!

I think you dodged a real headache. I can't stand any guy telling me what I should or shouldn't do as far as my kids. Not his place...at least not yet from what you've said about the relationship. It would've been a tangled mess and you would've been pulled in all directions. I know it stings right now...but I think he did you a favor.

That's usually whAt my other 2 kids do...although grandparents do dinner separately. We were married outdoors in the fall...always had a "Welcome Fall" party with friends at our house...I decorate for fall. I am not a Christmas party person...and decorate to a minimum for Christmas. When DH died I guess I wanted continue the fall tradition and my little guy always wanted friends at the house. The walk being death day/bday is kind of a pain...but oh well. This is also my child...out of the 3 kids...who looks exactly like his Dad..quiet personality, same mannerisms..so I always tell myself it's a "Circle of Life" Day. But yeah it's exhausting...every year...

I get it...I am so sorry. We've walked in the walk since 2009...it's a tiny community walk. I've tried to rename our team and not go...but 2 of DHs friends loyally walk every year and raise a ton of money. One of them-his Dad died by suicide when he was in high school and he never discussed it until DH died. These are the two friends who have been there for my kids..and really I walk (not plan the walk just participate) every year for them. My kids went when they were tiny. My boys no longer go...They say the whole thing is "dumb". And I see their point. Just my youngest daughter goes. Over the years...I am not a suicide prevention person. I have always advocated for the survivors who are left in the dust. More money/resources need to be poured into support groups for them...because we can feel very isolated. But it seems the push is prevention (which I think more prevention efforts are bullshit except with teens/bullying but that's it). Every disease has a day or week anymore. Just remember it's over soon...I usually hide the over zealous advocates so I don't have to see the whole candle/remember/phone a friend jargon. My DH died between 6-8 in the evening. So yea the whole darkness thing makes no sense. ((((hugs)))