trying2breathe

Trying Sorry that the challenges continue with your DS. Ultimately the motivation to get going has to come from your son. I'm no expert, but will share my layman's experience with therapy with both of my kids, and in particular the latest situation working through my DD's depression and brief drug use. A year ago DD was defiant, missing school, breaking all of the rules. Despite best efforts, nothing that I did motivated her. Through weeks of intense therapy and some tough consequences, she worked through some of her own stuff and made a decision to get back into a productive way of living. I'm fully aware that this could have gone either way, I'm in contact with others from group therapy that are still struggling. Our therapy focused on co-dependency issues, for me it was a new way of thinking about parenting. I'll PM you the book title, in case you're interested. In this particular group therapy, we were told time and again that a child's biggest fear is that their parents will abandon them. This seems to contradict tough love theory - so I'm not sure how to reconcile one with the other. You've set up structure and expectations for your son, and the resulting consequences when things are not followed. Although it seems harsh to take away his phone and not pay for car insurance, maybe this will jump start him to try harder? Perhaps he doesn't think you'll follow through? Kids are notorious procrastinators, May 1st to him may seem like plenty of time to find work. The consequence of actually having his phone and car taken away will make a bigger statement than hearing from you that this will happen. What brings your son joy? Does he look forward to his work as a swim coach/lifeguard? Does he have friends and get out? Big hugs to you ~

SVS So very sorry to hear of your latest challenge and hope that you get answers soon on what's going on with your son. You're doing everything that needs to be done right now, it's so not fair that you have to do this on your own. Sending healing thoughts and virtual hugs to you.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

SVS It's very understandable the way that you are feeling - my 17 y/o DD got her license in October, and now drives herself regularly to school, volleyball practice and on occasional errands. DD attended driving school in a classroom setting, and had several lessons with an instructor. Is it a worry to me that she's driving? Absolutely - but my 80 y/o dear mother still worries about my driving too! : I think it's natural that we worry about our children as they venture out into the world. Driving is a huge milestone! The way that I try to help myself in not worrying so much is to provide her with plenty of driving time and experience in all kinds of weather and situations, for the most part she has proven to be a good driver. And I do want to add that with her new driving privileges, she has an added self-esteem and maturity that I had not yet seen in her. It's really hard, but I'm trying to take my emotions out of her experience as a new driver. Good luck, and know that you're not alone!

Sorry to hear the sad news on your cat. We lost our dog this past summer, she too was a link to DH and it was so much more than just losing a pet. Hugs ~

Trying I'm reading your post with tears in my eyes - my 19 y/o DS has suffered w/depression and anxiety for a long time, and my 19 y/o nephew that we thought was doing so well, died last week of suicide. I'm reluctant to even post these words as the thought of a child that age dying of suicide is beyond anything that I can believe. I hesitated in writing this post and I hope that this doesn't come across as insensitive, but as I now know the possibility of suicide with kids is very real. It sounds like you're doing everything that you possibly can for your DS, providing him with love and support and a framework of how to move forward. Making the decision to try is his responsibility, however I believe that strongly encouraging him towards therapy and medication, like others have said, might be the key to him getting better. My DS resisted medication for a long time, he now takes meds and they are making a tremendous difference in his wellbeing. It is interesting what SVS says about difficult with concentration along with anxiety & depression - my DS had a difficult time with focus and once an ADD med was added, this was mostly resolved. Are there group therapy sessions of young men in your area? Maybe this would be something that he would attend? Would he feel better about visiting several clinics and making the decision on which to go to? Oh and about those "stellar" kids - everyone has challenges, some of those parents have their heads in the sand. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law were two of those bragging parents. Sending big big hugs to you ~

SVS Sounds like a great party plan, let us know how it goes! Hope you stay warm and the electricity stays on .......

Wow slow boards these days Rob Happy to hear that things are going well, I like the leash tug philosophy and am trying this out in our household with success so far. I bet it felt great to have a big sort out of toys!

We're in the midst of grief again, my nephew and DD's closest cousin unexpectedly passed away last week. DD opened up that not only did she lose her dearest cousin, but her girl group at school has excluded her and she's now down to one friend. How do I stick to rules now? DD filled her car with my gas card, I don't feel that this is the time to start asking her when she'll get a job. I know that the emotions will settle, but this is where I get soft and make things easy for her. Any thoughts on how to manage this?

My sweet, smart, baseball superstar 19 y/o nephew died of suicide last week. DD and I spent last week with family, helping to make arrangements and trying to make sense of it all. The tragedy of this death is so raw, and brings up different feelings about DH's death 2-1/2 years ago. DH had time for a career, wife and kids. My nephew didn't get that chance. Grief about DH is shifting but I'm not sure how. I'll wait until the dust settles and figure this out. RIP dear nephew, so so sad

Good point on the tug on the leash vs. a reminder. I usually don't give more than another nagging reminder, the message usually comes across as me being unreasonably demanding. Thanks for the new way of thinking of this! DD is planning on college, and I do expect good grades and her continued participation in sports. I'm on the fence on how much to ask her to pay for, as her working to pay for more would take time away from studies. To have her pay for gas money, going out and incidentals is a good start, I guess, and the budgeting process of it is so important. Should she delay college or decide not to go, this would certainly change the arrangement.

SVS We celebrated DD's 16th last year, the party wasn't at home but I found a local baker with reasonable rates and had a professional cake made with her favorite colors. I'm not a crafty person by any stretch but made the cake topper from wooden "16" numbers that I found at Michaels, painted and decorated them to match. She's kept them as a remembrance. Can you expand in some way on the music or photography theme? A few other ideas - lava lamp, helium balloons, streamers, party table cloths in her colors -

Rob It's so frustrating that chores get done only when she's reminded. I don't know that I'll have a chance to wake her up for reminders, as she's up studying later and I'm usually tucking in at about the same time she is. But I can remind her before she heads out the door, whenever that is. Consistency is difficult, I feel like I've been in semi-crisis mode for awhile and have let things slip. It's time for me to get it together. Yesterday she mentioned plans on meeting a friend, and I said that she could go out once chores were done. She tidied her room, laundry was started and the trash taken out. I checked on her progress, and found that she had shoved all the dirty clothes into her closet! : We had a good laugh about it, then she sorted and hung her clothes up properly. I need to work with her - shortcuts are her way of getting things done. This morning she mentioned how nice to was to wake up to a clean room - yay! Another good thing - she mentioned gas money and the need to find a job. Aside from her being "legal", I'm not sure that there will many changes once she turns 18. I think that DD is beginning to realize that she has a sweet deal here at home. Other than increasing responsibility, I'm not sure that my expectations of her should change, once she turns 18?

It is good to start young, sounds like a plan that's working, mmg. Of your list #4 is our biggest struggle - discretionary spending. DD gets caught up with friends and doesn't think - sure doesn't help that we live in an affluent area where some kids have no limits on spending. Case in point - DD out to lunch with 3 friends, all plunk down their credit cards and split the bill 4 ways. DD comes home with a $23 charge for lunch Maybe this is okay every once in awhile, but it's a regular thing. Rob I admit that I'm in interrogation mode when we go over the credit card statement - she gets uncomfortable - I'll tone this down a bit. It's frustrating that she does chores only when asked, and has no initiative to do anything on her own. The dishes will sit, trash bin overflows, her bedroom floor is covered with dirty laundry - it's as if she doesn't notice. I would offer to pay her for additional chores around the house, at this point we're not getting even the basics done. It's so hard to be consistent with DD, but I will try hard to only offer the extras, like Wi-Fi or use of the car, once chores are completed. DD mentions that she'll be 18 this fall, and then she's "free". Hahaha - she's still in my household though, rules still apply.

Thank you for the responses. This makes me realize how much work I need to put into this! When I talk to my daughter about finances, I get a blank stare and no response. We'll see what happens if her car sits without gas in the garage for awhile! Rob I tried the allowance thing too and didn't keep up, your method sounds very familiar. It didn't seem to work to tie in certain chores with allowance, I do agree that as a member of the household there should be responsibilities that DD can manage. DD is lazy - after 1-1/2 years living in the same house, she still doesn't remember trash days. :-\ : Or to unload the dishwasher, or run a load of laundry. I'm being played, I realize, not sure how to break this cycle though. Other than a college fund, DD has no savings. She has a credit card and a gas card both linked to mine, and a debit card, but doesn?t really know the difference between them. Not a good idea to have her in possession of credit cards, she has very little concept of credit. I put full blame on myself that my kids are not more financially responsible. It wasn?t something that we focused on after DH died. I think that it will take some hard lessons for DD to start to get it. This should be interesting ?

I'm looking for ideas on how to instill some financial responsibility into my 17 y/o DD's life. DD is a good student, plays volleyball and has plenty of what I consider downtime to get a part-time job. She applied for a position to a local supermarket, but never followed up because she "doesn't feel like working". She recently started to drive, and got a car (paid by me); I let her know that gas and minor car maintenance is on her. I'm trying to teach her how to balance a checkbook, and how a budget works. With her Christmas money, she quickly spent most everything and now has $44 left. I'm thinking that when she can't fill her car with gas, having her car sit idle in the garage until she can fill it again. I realize that families manage things differently - what do you pay for, and what is expected of your teen? Does anybody have suggestions on how to teach a teenager about money? Thanks -

My kids, 17 and 19, did not give gifts this year. Oh wait, 19 y/o DS brought a "Mom" t-shirt from his college for me Wynne, you're right - teens are in their own world, it's all about them :

SB It sounds like a coat of paint and some TLC will make a nice difference. Staging is a good thing too, I always laugh at how a stager sets things up, sometimes doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it looks really nice! I also want to say that your kids will remember your house as being a welcoming place for them and their friends - can't put a price on that!

SB I feel for you, prepping a house for sale is a lot of work and can be expensive. I've had the pleasure of doing this several times. It's so hard to keep things tidy and organized with kids in the house. When the For Sale sign went up in our yard on our Texas house, I remember an agent pulling into our driveway unexpectedly at dinner time - we picked up our dinner plates off of the dining table and walked out the back door! Worth it though - that was the showing that sold the house. Good luck!

Christmas music is on the stereo, turkey is in the oven and the house is smelling good, prep for side dishes done. Kids have helped the past few days polishing silver and setting the table. Went all out with china, crystal and silver, then only time of year that it's used. My mom is here playing a card game with the kids, and we're waiting for the rest of the family to arrive. I started the day in a red cotton sweater and leggings but it's so warm here that I changed into a short sleeve shift dress - not festive but at least it's comfortable. Grateful for blessings, today especially missing him. Merry Christmas ~

Oh good grief, this is not right. What do we do when a crisis situation occurs? I'm sorry that you're going through this, and hope for a fast resolution. Hugs to you and your daughter.

I just can't even imagine adding an Elf on the Shelf to the rest of the responsibilities. : I'm glad that my kids were never introduced to this!!

Congratulations, Mimi! I'm very happy for you!!

mac You're usually upbeat, hope you're okay?

Agree with Trying, parenting small children is monumental for two parent families, to do it solo can be extraordinarily tiring and difficult. Can you find some time for yourself, and get a break now and then? Could a teenage neighbor help with dinner and bath time? An extra set of hands could take the edge off and take away some of the drudgery. I remember early days when my kids were tiny, I would hand over baby daughter to DH and say take her, it's been a really long day with short people. I look back now and think that I missed some of those joyful moments, I think it's a natural feeling for many parents. From the details of your post and the concern that you show, you sound like a great father.