trying2breathe

Greetings on a rainy day here - checking in from vacay - yeah, 2 weeks ..... I've done this once before in my life, the last 2 week trip was with DH and he died a week after we returned home. 😢 DH was a traveler, and insisted that we get out and see the world. It's a bit of a mind game for me with this trip. It's a splurge to be here, yet we're keeping it fairly simple. He's had a time share for a long time and so that's on him. I sprung for airline tix for us and got a good deal. I'm fortunate to be able to work from anywhere, so I'm keeping up with that. There's three of us here - me, BF and Joe, one of BF's besties ... and it's working out okay so far. Ends up Joe's ex-wife - that he's still married to - died suddenly two days before this trip, and Joe decided to be here anyway. He's reeling from the news, and we're sharing emotions as he's handling the logistics of her death from here. Whether Joe will stay for the two weeks, we'll see. BF and I are doing okay, this time together will be telling on how we progress in the relationship. Major talk last night about my feeling of being disconnected with him, and his reassurance that he's here for the long haul with me and he wonders if I feel the same. The health and raising of children is priority, at least to me. Everything else is secondary. My kids are still dependent on me, NG's two daughters are sprung, as he calls it. Being a parent, and a solo one at that, puts a different dynamic on the relationship, and I'm happy that NG understands this. Glad that communication is open and easy with him, tybec - doesn't get any better than that. I have a high functioning Aspie son, and it's been difficult for me to keep a sense of a stable relationship with him. He thinks differently, brings up aspects of things that I can never imagine, and is sensitive beyond belief. At times I think that I'm doing everything right with him, and he calls me out on what I think is a minor aspect of something and everything then shifts. I'm the Alpha parent, yet I can't be tough with him. We've yelled, cried, ignored each other, it's not easy. I'm glad that right now we seem to be in a good place. Hope that the relationship with your son settles, arneal. It continues to be a learning process for me to understand my son.

Laughing about the tidiness - NG is organized and tidy, I credit the military to have helped in this area. My spare electrical cords are wrapped up, tied neatly and organized, junk drawers cleared, garage is the neatest it's ever been. Funny that it's part of his way of showing his love for me, but to me it doesn't mean a whole lot. Or maybe it's just his thing and he's over here so much. Oh well, conversation for another time I guess. Saturday we leave for vacation and two weeks of togetherness begins, coincides that Saturday is also his birthday. I think I found the perfect birthday gift - tickets to the Patriots game in December, I think he'll be thrilled. What's new with all of you? Hope everybody is well ~

Good to know that things are working out well, days. Social security benefits can be confusing, and I got different answers depending on who I talked with at their office. My kids are over 18 so no bennies right now for anybody, and that's fine with me. And best on the family blending -

tybec It must be strange to be in a new city and be experiencing a completely new start. DH and I moved a lot, in 20 years we moved 8 times that included several moves overseas. It was somewhat liberating to relocate, heck I could re-create a new self and tweak my first name. Never did this, but it was fun to think about! With these moves though, I always had the familiarity and comfort of DH by my side. You've had A LOT of change in the past few years, it's no wonder that you're seeking identity, who you are and what you want. I hope that you can begin to find some deep sense of yourself, in whichever way that you can. I also find that the fear of abandonment is a big issue, and I think that it always will be. Sounds like you're learning the court system, your reputation is becoming known and hopefully that's a really good thing. It's amazing and unfortunate that the good old boys network still exists. Food and NG I'm big on veggies, NG not so much. He's coming around though, latest conquest spaghetti squash! 😃

Great news, rooshy! Happy that this worked out for you, very exciting!

Sorry to hear of the abusive marriage, arneal. That must have been really tough to deal with. Remembering who you are and roots - priceless, tybec. I didn't realize how important this was until I moved back to my home town. I'm also smiling about clutter and tidiness, NG is tidy but he doesn't come home clean due to his work. I find his "love prints" everywhere, and I routinely have to clean up the smudges. I would rather have this, than him not here though. DH never could hit the hamper with his dirty clothes, used to drive me crazy. After he died, I remember thinking that I'd give anything to be able to collect his dirty laundry again. 😔 Happy Weekend. It's Thai takeout here tonite, it's been a long week here too.

You are together, arneal, and don't need a marriage certificate to prove it. I know non-married couples that are more committed to each other than some married couples. It's interesting that you desire that proposal, and the honeymoon. Sounds like you're a bit of a romantic? 😉 I don't want marriage right now, not sure if I ever will. I never imagined that I wouldn't want to again be in a marriage, so far my heart says no. That being said, I do love again and feel that I can be in a happy and committed relationship without being married. Julester Maybe he's hooked, are you? 🤔 Do you think he'd mind if you tidied up? You wouldn't want to set yourself up as the cleaning crew, but I find clutter hard to ignore too.

It's not bad to get uncomfortable, it's a time to better understand yourself, grow and move forward. Things sometimes get worse before they get better. Kind of like grief waves, this is where you are right now, acknowledge it, move forward one step at a time. Sometimes we take a few steps back too. It will be interesting to see how you feel a few weeks, a month from now. Hang in there, RAM, I get it.

It has been quiet here! Good to hear from you, arneal, sounds like things are busy and going well. I'm curious about the marriage issue - is it enough to commit to each and live together, or are you most definitely looking for marriage? Yup, the dishes thing - I have to back off and not give an opinion, there's lots of way of doing things! NG and I keep on keepin' on - no big news other than a 2 week vacation that we will be taking together soon. Speaking of all day - 24/7, we will have two weeks of togetherness, and we're both wondering how this will turn out. He's mentioned that he plans to relax and spend lots of time with a book, I'm gonna need a bit more than that so we will have our separate things going on. To add some "variety" to our vacation - one of his besties will be staying in the 2 bedroom condo with us, and his brother and SIL will visit for a few days too. NG grew up with 5 siblings, I had one brother. He's accustomed to lots of people around, this will be interesting. 😜

At a certain level I continue to deal with all of this in my relationship, RAM. A year and half with NG, and I'm nowhere near the point of having the same kind of trusting, loving relationship that I had with DH. Is it the trauma of being widowed, or something else? Is it that DH was my one true love and there's nobody else? Being aware of the vulnerability issues was a big step for me, and slowly I'm working through the belief that I can again have a full and loving relationship. I'm fortunate that NG is patient, we've talked lots about this and he's okay to work through these things with me. As for friendships and socializing with others, I have reached out to get a new group going and this seems to be okay. I think that anything is possible, are you comfortable talking through some of this with your guy?

Good luck, rooshy!

Beautiful, congratulations!!

I had calls from a collection agency that I ignored, eventually called back and it ended up being a legitimate company calling about a gas card that was overdue that I had forgotten to pay. I suggest that you call back, don't give out personal information, instead ask who they represent.

MM You've beautifully put into words how I feel too. At five years out, life is generally good, there's somebody new in my life, I have a fulfilling job and a volunteer position that I love. The emptiness is always there though, and at times it can cloud everything else. Most days are fine but there are those occasional dark days when I know to take it easy. Thank you for posting, one step at at time and hope you continue to do well.

In those early days I talked to him a lot, also wrote to him and journaled and it helped. Five years out, I believe he still hears me and I always feel better after talking to him. So sorry for your loss.

SS, don't be sad on my behalf - I'm making up for several years of lost time 😉 I'll add that the logistics and practicality of a relationship at this age for me, are important. And the romance part of it is equally important. Whereas when I was younger, being practical wasn't really something I considered and the sex was a given.

Yup, those comments about how hard it is and the lack of understanding about how much harder it could really be. Some people have a tendency to complain about whatever is going on in their lives, without the realization of how petty those comments can sound to others. I've called some out on what I perceive to be insensitive comments, no patience or filter and I've just blurted out what my reality is. Makes for an awkward moment, for sure. I try to remember that times can be tough for others though, whatever their reality is.

Frightening, SW - sorry that you're dealing with this.

Interesting arneal, the dynamics of your mom's relationships. I wonder what her long term companion's thoughts would be on this. Maybe they are coupled but without a romantic connection? NG has referred to me a few times as a good companion, and for our relationship I don't like the term. To me it implies that we've partnered for practical purposes and without much of a romantic connection. Makes me wonder if coupling at this stage of life is more about the practicalities - the emergency contact, etc.., and less about the romance.

Thank you, arneal. I'm not necessarily headed towards marriage, but anything to help out a relationship is always welcome! 🤗 tybec What stands out to me is this - "2028 is the year when NG talks of us having our time". Regardless of circumstances - stress, custody hearings, the frantic goings on of children, in-laws, exes, yada yada - now can be your time. Blended families, whether you're physically together or not, living together or separately, married or not, it's a decision to make it work or not. As we all very well know, there are no guarantees and we are not promised tomorrow. It's a decision on whether to move forward in the relationship, based on what you know. Ten years is a long time to wait to have your time together .....

In conversation with a friend years ago when deciding whether to marry my LH, my friend suggested that I would know if it was right when there was nothing telling me that it wasn't right. Fast forward to now and rephrased - post-widowhood, children and a lot of life experience - maybe it's right if there is nothing major that says that it isn't right. My mode these days, like klim - an attempt to not overthink and to go with the flow - easy to say and much harder to do, but it seems to be working pretty well so far. tybec Do you see a time when it can be just the two of you, and he can be your best friend? In the meantime, can you go separate ways and not grow apart? Are you in love with the concept of love and not necessarily with him? You have been on the fence with this relationship for a long time, IMO time will tell. arneal PM the book to me also, please!

I would be proud too, looks like your son managed the day well. Those mother/father events at school were emotional times for me, my kids usually handled it better than I did. The resiliency of kids - a good thing!

tybec Entertaining went well, hosted a bbq at my house with three other couples. It's interesting how this brings out new dimensions in a relationship and I was pretty happy with the way we worked together. Now to get our friends group going - we're trying to expand our social circle and finding a good fit with other couples isn't easy. Hope all is well - it's been quiet around here lately!

Good luck to you rooshy!!

Five years and most memories bring a smile. And then occasionally - a memory brings on tears, usually involving the kids and us as a family and how he should be here with us.