trying2breathe

BH2 Time does march on, Easter is yet another bittersweet reminder of the passage of time. ((Big hugs)) to you Spent Easter weekend with BF, had brunch with his extended family and it was good to be there. It was coincidence that we stayed Saturday night near a beach town where LH and I got engaged and spent a lot of family time over the years. It was strange to visit, relive memories and to be there with somebody else.

Glad to have the holiday weekend to get away with BF. My mother is recuperating from surgery and doing well, she wants me to celebrate Easter with here her but I've had Easter plans for a few weeks with BF and my brother plans to be with Mom. I'm feeling a bit of guilt about going away, she's had my full attention for the past few weeks and I could really use a few days away. tybec It's interesting that taking a step away from a relationship and focusing on yourself gives new perspective. I think that it's important to be happy with yourself first - as you say find a way to love me and share his life with me - a healthy way to be in a relationship IMHO. Anytime BF and I have had time away from each other, for whatever reason, it's been a good thing. The overnight concert sounds fun, hope that you have a great Birthday! arneal In dealing with my in-laws I hope that I will NEVER do intros to anybody that I'm seeing. Too stressful and awkward! And they recently told me that they support my dating somebody else and marrying again. This is great to hear, but that being said - no, not planning to make any introductions. It was awkward enough just talking to them about me dating!

Mac Sorry that you feel that you're losing spontaneity and that sense of adventure. I think that with relationships comes security, the loss of some freedom and with it the loss of some spontaneity too. I feel fortunate that I've re-coupled with somebody that enjoys a sense of adventure and so far hasn't said no to some crazy stuff. Maybe it is finding that special someone that agrees to join in on that kind of thing, and offering the invitation in the first place. I'm one that's happiest with a variety of experiences, and offer them up to my BF which he usually happily accepts. It's so easy to get into a happy domestic routine. Is your SO not accepting of spontaneous opportunities?

Tammy I'm so sorry for your loss, it's unfair to have him taken from you so early in your marriage. Sorry to welcome you to a group that nobody wants to join. I've found this site to be welcoming and comforting, and I hope that you find the same here. Day to day, minute by minute sometimes, take care of yourself.

arneal Agree with klim, it would be good to own the situation and not to worry about the opinions of others. I too have judgey people in my life, and duck & dodge to avoid getting into situations where I have to deal with their opinions. As a result - I've been with BF now for over a year and he has yet to meet my family. BF says that he understands, but it's awkward and I can't help but feel that he's hurt that I've not made introductions. I tell him that I'm protecting him from being scrutinized and analyzed, but I'm also protecting myself. My family may accept him - or not - but I hope to soon get to the point where I believe that what they think doesn't matter. Baby steps .....

Needy Hmmm, the part about him hiding something on his phone - is this something new to him? Some people have a natural inclination to hide what they're doing on the phone, regardless of what's going on. You might be reading more into why he's not available on Thursday night, because of this. There might be something that he's hiding, but there's also a natural ebb and flow to relationships and it's a good thing to sometimes take a break from the routine. It sounds like you're getting to a comfortable place in the relationship where he feels like he can be honest with you, but I'd let him know when you want to continue a conversation and not getting shushed. Sorry that you're feeling badly about this. What to do? Please don't stare at the wall - find something else fun to do, without him! I wish that some of us wids lived closer, we'd get together and have some fun. And congrats on that award!

Agree with Portside too. Although I don't like keeping up with insurance premiums and realize the slim chance of catastrophic loss, it's peace of mind knowing that should something terrible happen, financially it will be okay. My LH used to say to me that he was worth more dead than alive. I nervously laughed the last time he said this, not knowing that his life insurance policy would soon be a benefit to me and the kids. I also would strongly encourage those with children or dependents to consider life insurance. In Mike's words - To each their own .....

HCMB I'm sorry for your loss, you are very early in this journey. I journaled a lot in the early days, a pen and a Moleskin the old fashioned way. Whatever the process, make it whatever works for you. I journaled for about a year, in those early days it was messages to him, and later it become my thoughts about grieving and missing him. I scheduled journaling as a nightly ritual, as I didn't have any other time to focus on grief. For me it was a good process, and now looking back at what I've written I realize how far I've come four and a half years out.

Mac I'm curious of your definition of extraordinary vs. average/everyday life. There are interpretations of special and what is average to somebody might be extraordinary to somebody else. I've been fortunate in opportunities and experiences, yet haven't thought of coupling with somebody else with these expectations. Please elaborate?

Glad that it's the weekend and spring weather is soon here - tybec Social media - can't stand the FB memories that pop up, I've had several the past few months that make me so sad. I'm beginning to understand the impact of not having parents, as I'm dealing with my ill mother in the hospital right now. She had emergency surgery last week and we weren't sure if she would be okay. She is recovering and I'm grateful, it will be slow but she seems to be getting better every day. I still have both parents, and can only imagine how it would be to not have them around and how it affects the grief process and being a widow too. It's interesting that despite having a new partner in my life, I still feel very alone. We are good in our relationship but I can't yet allow myself to be super close to him as I fear another devastating loss. We've had some conversations about moving in/marriage, I'm not there yet and told him that I didn't know if I ever would be. He's says he's okay with this, but I'm sad to not give him what he seems to want right now. Good to have long term care insurance - but gee thanks for the harsh reminder that there's no one to care for me . You're right that grief is ALWAYS there in one way or another. It's been four and half years out and I'm thinking it's time for another round of grief therapy again. Are you planning anything for your birthday?

LF, you seem to be a great guy. Offering support and solidarity in this journey. Love what arneal said - Be careful with your heart, but open to possibilities.

Yes! ^ I'm dating someone twice divorced - he doesn't have such a healthy history to draw upon, whereas I've not dealt with significant strife in a long-term relationship. There are times that I've felt a big disconnect, definitely something to have a conversation with him about. I've not thought of it in this way before, thank you!

I started dating again a little over a year ago, and haven't had any questions like this. Umm, no.

I would take great offense to these comments too. As if widowhood isn't difficult enough I too have a friend that asks specifics about social security (I don't currently collect benefits) and medical insurance - he seems intent on finding out how I'm gaming the system. Ughhhh ....

tybec Sorry that you're feeling this way - the frustration in your posts is obvious. There's a disconnect for you, and he's not picking up on this. Rather than wait to see if he remembers two years - why not mention this to him and how important it is to you? Seems that he's thinking in family mode that includes his kids, and not thinking in couples terms. The vacation plans would be surprising to me too. You feel good with him and feel that he's a wonderful man - the court date and custody issue will be addressed and maybe he will be more emotionally and physically available after that? It's great that he mentions that he's dense and needs direct communication - can you share this with him? Making my new relationship work is sometimes a day to day thing. The reality of how we are together and who he is, becomes more clear every day and not all for me is good. There's not a lot of widow related angst for me in this relationship other than knowing that this can all be taken away in an instant. And a bit of sadness that this is my new life. I'm choosing to try to make it work, because he's a good man and for the most part we're good together. I'm not sure that I can provide what he needs but we're working on figuring it out. A day at a time ....

tybec Happy two years - that's a big deal! The timing certainly seems off, do you feel that you've sacrificed a lot and want him to recognize this more? It seems that marriage is still on the table for him, just not right now. And he does have a lot going on with the trial and his kids. He know that you won't wait, maybe once the stress of the court date and custody issue clears a bit he's able to make some concrete plans with you? It's interesting that some of us with similar time frames in our relationships are having similar difficulties - I think it's the cycle of how a relationship goes. For BF and I, honeymoon stage is over and we're getting down to the logistics and practicalities of how to make this work. Some days I take a breath and try hard to not overthink everything - not easy.

^^ I agree! Took a few days off this week to go visit the in-laws, along with BIL. It was a nice break from my BF as we've have so much time together recently, almost every night for dinner and every weekend together, I was feeling claustrophobic. I needed time to get back to being myself, if that makes any sense. He's hinting at getting a house together, and I'm not ready. Never say never, but I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to move in with him and don't know if he'll be happy keeping it this way. I'm also taking on a new project that involves PR and gala events, he's not really into that kind of thing although he says he'll get his tux laundered and be ready to go. It makes our differences more apparent when I realize that this is yet another thing that probably won't include him. I plan to let things settle a bit and then think more about it ...... sigh. Hope that everybody has a good weekend -

Wonderful news, so very excited for you. Congratulations!

Best to you on your trip, LF. Sounds like it will be a wonderful experience.

Thank you for the input. Talked with BF last night, we both agreed that should something happen to either of us we'd at least want hospital visitation rights. I'm not ready to assign him POA, and don't want to take this on for him either. We both agreed that it will be good to get our paperwork in order. I feel better now that we've had this conversation but it is tough.

Do you think you would have done this if you weren't engaged? BF and I do not speak of marriage, whether this will ever happen I don't know. I feel unprepared to manage should either of us have health issues. I'm not close with either of his daughters, and have met just one of his five siblings. Maybe I'm jumping ahead on this, but I'm feeling uneasy on what could happen.

Quiet here lately - hope everybody is doing okay. Question for those of you getting into more committed relationships - is there anything in place legally to have rights, should something happen? I'm not speaking of financial matters, more about having the right to see your SO in the hospital should the unthinkable happen. Or be listed as an emergency contact, and be accepted as one to speak on your SO's behalf. It's so strange, this new life. Have any of you given thought to this?

I get it, I too have an anniversary surgery date that happens to coincide with my birthday. Every birthday, I remember my life saving surgery : and with it comes a twinge of sadness and guilt that this helped contribute to my DH's demise. It's angst, good and bad - combination of celebrating life while remembering the difficulty of living. Continued good health to you, Maureen and hope that your new normal that feels good appears very soon.

Good advice here, having moved a lot and sold lots of homes I would also suggest finding a good realtor that specializes and sells high volume in your area. Zillow isn't always accurate, those numbers can be deceptive. Declutter and de-personalize - think about putting things in off-site storage to keep closets clear. There may be some things that are easy and inexpensive fixes that an agent suggests. Good luck!

Hope your birthday was a good one, arneal. I get the dog issue, my rescue is 70 lbs. and high energy, she's a big part of my life. So take me, and my dog is part of the deal. I said this up front with guys I dated as not everybody is into big floppy puppies. Hope the move in process continues to go well, and friends and family will find out the new living arrangement in good time. Happy Valentine's Day - going to dinner with BF at our favorite bistro, and keeping it relatively low key tonight. I'm grateful to be in a good relationship with a good man, if anybody had told me a year ago where I'd be this Valentine's Day I would not have believed it.