trying2breathe

Just got a sweet text from him, and it's enough .....

Thank you for the responses - I appreciate all of you. NG is a fixer, dealing with my unfixable widowed emotions isn't his strength - at all. He changes the subject and reverts his attention to something that he can fix - usually something in my house, the yard or my car. As a mechanic by trade, it's what he does. I don't fault him the lack of trying when I have those occasional dark widow days, it can't be easy to share life with me. But I do hope for some recognition of what this day means. I haven't heard from him yet today, usually he sends a sweet good morning text. What do I hope for? Something sweet that shows that he recognizes today, what I may be going through and that he cares. I choose to not include him in how we spend today, and I don't know that he fully understands why I do this. He's a good man, it is a weird situation and we're not yet in alignment on how to work together on this.

CG Appreciate your post, and I like the decision tree - specifically #2 will the post make OP (or anybody) feel smaller, ashamed or belittled .... I hope that portside reads your post and gets something from it. That being said, I consider myself to be a portside fan. He does get cranky sometimes, his posts can be brutally honest and not necessarily supportive. Kind of like the child that yells out that the emperor has no clothes. I'm sad that others may feel small or belittled by what he puts out there. What is helpful isn't always necessarily considered to be supportive though. I don't always like what he puts out there, but he does offer another side and I appreciate him being here. Keep on keepin' on, portside - just my humble opinion.

Five years tomorrow since DH died. I plan to have a day of reflection, spend some time at the cemetery along with my daughter, do whatever feels right. NG said to me "Oh I'm sorry, I'll leave you alone ....." when I told him my plans. Wow, and I was kind of hoping for a warm caring response from him. I would love opinions on this - is it too much to expect another kind of reaction from somebody that I've been seeing for a year and a half?

August is unsettling for me too, it will be 5 years on August 1st and I'm crying already. I've made a new and good life for myself, but I miss him more now than ever.

hugs, tybec Hope you had a good getaway, so important to take time to sort through stuff and get a fresher perspective. Undoubtedly his stress level is super high as the court date approaches, hard to put this out there but maybe it's not the best time to critique his seemingly non-caring attitude towards you. It's a huge plus that he's a wonderful father - and there is no comparison in the love of a parent vs. the love of a life partner. I would be hurt and tired of the routine too. You're not nagging, you've given him a roadmap and he's not following it. Maybe he doesn't know how to have a committed relationship and show love consistently to you and his children - Right Now. Is his current behavior a sign of things to come or an outlier due to the current stressful situation? Only time will tell ....... I have some similar feelings as you, somewhat content in a relationship but not completely happy. I've not yet talked to him about what I consider to be a continued disconnect in our relationship, wondering whether my feelings coincide with the 5 year anniversary of DH's death this Wednesday. Seems that the sadiversarys affect me more than I know, the last time I felt this disconnected with him it coincided with what would have been my 25 year anniversary with DH. I'm emotional and super-sensitive about what I perceive to be his uncaring attitude towards me. I plan to lay low this week and not see him, don't feel like talking about this with him because I don't know what to say and may regret later what I would say. It would be nice to get away but I don't have that opportunity with my son arriving home in a few days. Not sure if this will pass, I'll wait for the cobwebs to clear and see how to move forward. Breathe, yes ......

Reading about the we vs. I issue. Last night while at the market together, BF bought megamillion lottery tickets - he bought two and without saying anything put them in his wallet. In the past, we talked about what we'd do together with the winnings. Hmmm - he said nothing of sharing so after his purchase I went ahead and bought my own. I realize the likelihood of winning is slim to none - yet the sentiment behind sharing winnings is kind of sweet to talk about. This stupid issue is pulling me into a funk about our relationship. I'm usually not this sensitive - the five year sadiversary is next week and I think I'm already feeling sad about it. Wish I could pull myself out of this ..... 😔

tybec Those are serious conversations that you've had, good to get all of that out there and to let sink in. We're at the stage in life where logic and common sense need to take precedence over romance, at least in some areas. You spelled out pretty much what I would want to say to my BF someday, altho I'm nowhere close to talking about marriage or co-habitating yet. Two years is enough time to decide to move forward or not , and it's good that you're hashing out the details to move forward. As for him being distant - maybe you're both letting the new reality settle and sink in a bit, a good thing I think. BF finally met my mom last night, it was a long overdue get together that finally happened and everything went well. He asked me if he should wear long sleeves to cover his well tatted arms - I said do whatever you'd like as I think that she will be accepting. And thankfully she was, the tats were not mentioned at all. BF and I are coming up on a year and half together - as tybec's post mentions it's time to think about deciding to stay together long term or not. I do love him, whether this is my forever relationship, it makes me anxious that I still don't know. Flower update - seems that BF finally gets it, he brought me an arrangement without lilies! 😁 We had a conversation about my favorite flower - calla lilies - vs. the ones that he was bringing - stargazers, and the difference between the two. Glad to get that settled and move on, it was getting pretty annoying. Happy Weekend all ~

RAM Maybe NG is trying to further understand what you're going through as a widow? As I was in the process of getting to know my now BF, we had a lot of conversations about my being widowed, and he would often offer support in ways that in my opinion wasn't appropriate. There were lots of questions and some awkwardness in the beginning. And yes, I would say that he was a DGI at the start. But if you continue to be out of sync with NG and he just doesn't get you, hmmm ...... Mike I hope you got that Snickers, maybe two 😉

Thanks all - sigh ..... I truly believe that he's not trying to be disrespectful to me, if I had the slightest hint of passive aggressiveness or some kind of manipulation on his part I would say goodbye. As for his gift of lilies yet again showing a silent disrespect and showing where I stand with him, his words and actions say otherwise in so many ways. For whatever reason (in a rut on buying just lilies? 😕) he just doesn't hear me on the flowers thing. He hears me loud and clear on other issues that we're working on, and the relationship is moving forward in a good positive way. At least in most areas BUT the flowers thing. I can't help but think that on the spectrum of relationship problems, this is an annoyance and not a major problem. I will have a serious conversation with him, and see if there's a bigger issue behind all of this. Happy Weekend!

So ....... NG brought me lilies - AGAIN. WTF!! I tried my best to smile, poured water in a vase, put them in it and quickly took them outside to the patio. And AGAIN said to him, this time looking him in the eyes - "Sweetheart, I'm allergic. I love that you bring flowers but next time, please try something else". I think he heard me this time - I think? 🤔😜

SW You do deserve more, you're wise to label that guy your Kryptonite. And good for you for continuing to block him. There are decent people out there, it's not easy making a connection. For me it's a balance of whether a relationship is worth the time, effort and occasional frustration. LH and I had our share of struggles pre- and post-marriage, and it was work to keep our good relationship going. I remind myself that it's an effort and continued work to commit to a relationship. If it's what you desire, hope that a good relationship comes along for you soon. tybec Read the article, his frustration is apparent. I've not yet seen this in my work, thank you for sharing.

Congratulations and best wishes, Rob!

tybec Yes, CASA/Guardian ad Litem. Most fulfilling, best volunteer position, ever. That's fantastic that your son is hanging with his sons, and the relationship with his mother is working out well. Hope your time together goes well - yes, keep breathing! Update on BF - had the conversation with him on expectations and helping out. He was understanding, asked questions and offered to change things up a bit to improve the situation. The conversation went as I expected, he's always been willing to communicate and been accommodating to whatever we discuss. I let him know that the added demands of caring for my mother leaves me less available to the relationship. We'll see how this plays out - he did mention that he doesn't read cues well and needs a direct approach. I feel like we're graduating to a new level in the relationship, honesty at the forefront and it feels good. I haven't yet talked about the lilies 😆 that's next. I expect that he'll take that conversation well, too. July 4th - strange to have one day in the middle of the week. Grilling is part of our lifestyle 😁 and it's BF's job usually to manage that, so we'll see what ideas he comes up with. I'm hoping for decent weather here to see fireworks, it's been so rainy here lately. Happy 4th!

It does seem as though the widower is placing limitations on who he is willing to date. Agree with Portside - "Don't construct artificial barriers for no reason. Get out more and go to new places, trying new things. Be open to most everything. Smile and say "Hi!" to everyone. Let your late wife's friends know you are ready to date." When I began dating, I had no expectations other than getting out there and having an enjoyable time. I talked to everybody - young, old, men and women (she might have a cute single brother? 🤔) and everything in between. It's an energy thing, what you put out comes back to you - never know what connections you'll make. An introvert would have a tougher time of this, I imagine. Maybe this is part of the problem?

Year two - the time when the day to day reality sets in. It was the toughest time for me too. The time when your subconscious reaches the conscious knowledge and you now know fully that you'll never see your beloved again. It does get better. At almost five years, there are still some sad days but just as often smiles and laughs at the memories of him.

I didn't have prior experience as an advocate, sought this position after DH died. You are right, this work takes me out of my sorry story and put things into perspective in a way that nothing else has. I think that losing DH has made me a better advocate, too. I can see where NG is walking a tight line in trying to make the best possible case for himself. Nobody knows how this will play out, a tough position to be in. Thank you for the kind words - Mom starts a stronger second treatment today, so far she's doing okay. Interesting that at this time I need more sleep, time for introspection, time away from NG as he demands too much of me right now. This has just began for her, and I'm already feeling an emotional toll as her daughter and caregiver.

tybec How frustrating for you to deal with NG's attempt at being the perfect image of a parent while knowing full well the extent of family abuse and trauma. I too don't know how these judges do it. And the power and politics of it certainly bear on the case as well, who knows what is deemed important in a certain judge's courtroom. I hope for you that the custody hearing is scheduled soon?

Appreciate the responses, all of them good. I've taken a few days off from seeing him, resentment was setting in and I needed a break. He's aware that something is going on, next time we're together we'll have a conversation. He's not a bad guy, at times he's self absorbed and I think that's why he doesn't hear me. He does help out occasionally, taking on the responsibility of lighting the grill 😄 and then I do everything else. It is difficult to spell out exactly what I need, at times I look at him incredulous that he doesn't pitch in and help. This routine is gonna end, it's so frustrating to see him sitting there enjoying his beer while I do it all. Lol - "You dolt, don't bring me any more lilies!" 😂 At least he's bringing me flowers ...... Obviously the indirect polite method doesn't work with him, so I'll try the more direct approach. Update to follow. Thanks again for the responses, appreciate all of the comments.

Sharing space - not a problem to have DD here for the summer, I like having her here. Adore my son but the dynamics are different - we start butting heads after 3 days together. It's been okay so far having BF here with DD here too. They get along well, she seems to enjoy having a man around the house and he's making an effort to include her in on some of our activities. About sharing space with BF - it's getting more difficult having him here a lot as I do host him when he's here, he expects to be served and it can be exhausting. We've gotten into a routine of cooking dinner at my house, and I pretty much do everything while he relaxes from his day. Last nights' comments about being tired and in pain were ignored. He's a great guy, if asked he would help out but lately I'm not asking as I don't feel heard. How do I get a point across when I'm not heard, and not feel like I'm nagging? He brings flowers to me weekly - lovely gesture and appreciated. But the flowers that he brings are always lilies, and I'm allergic to them. I've told him twice, and yet the lilies keep coming. I end up taking them outside to the patio, and he comments on how nice they look outside. 🙄 He wonders why I buy a spring bouquet for inside while his lilies are on the patio. High class problem and trivial example, maybe - but how to be really heard? I'd love to get a guys perspective on this too ...... Something's gotta give - I'm taking a few days off to help my Mom out as she starts chemo treatment. Sad that my time to relax is when I can be caregiver for somebody else. tybec There are some unrealistic expectations, NG has obvious great interest in keeping things straight with the court case but it is unnatural. I attend court cases advocating for children in foster care, and what is presented at times are extreme examples of abuse and neglect. I don't know his specifics, but generally speaking a paramour, PDA and beer in the fridge isn't even a blip on the radar. Maybe he can somehow be made aware of this?

It is a big deal, tybec. I backed off from social media and FB a great deal since DH died, lurked and rarely posted. I just changed my FB profile pic to an updated photo with DD, BIL and my dog. It was difficult to take down the previous profile photo that included DH, taken over 7 years ago. Four years and 11 months, I did it and it is a BIG deal.

I'm glad that the discussion went well, tybec. It does feel good to be heard and validated. Funny about having somebody around a lot - I told BF recently - half jokingly - that I love our time together but it's a transition getting used to having him around all the time. It's a good thing that I started dating again as it would be so easy to get into a comfortable solo routine and not have to compromise on anything. We don't live together and I don't know if we ever will, but he's here most nights for dinner and on weekends. The days of getting into pajamas early and having popcorn and a glass of wine for dinner are over. I make the effort to put on something cute, keep the house tidy and most nights put together a nice dinner. My new job is busy, volunteer commitment is too, Mom's chemo treatments start on Monday and my daughter is here for the summer, it's exhausting keeping all of this going. Trivial complaints definitely, but something's gotta give. sigh .....

My MIL tearfully wished me a Happy Father's Day as she knows that as solo parent I manage both roles. Father's Day is a trigger for me, and sadly an even bigger one for my in-laws.

Aye to September 14/15 and to the show. 👍

Heather So sorry to find you here, a big gentle hug to you