trying2breathe

LF Hugs to you as you begin the process of being single again. I get it on the empty feeling of those beautiful days and no set plans with somebody that you care about. So sorry that this isn't working out for you, in due time you will find good love - I'm sure of it. I'd suggest a bit of R&R before starting again, some indulgent self care is good for the soul.

I'm interested to read other's experiences about intros of new partners with family, as I'm having trouble with this. At a year and three months, I've not yet introduced him to my parents. I'm not ready for my mother's questions and my Dad's off-hand comments about BF's tattoos. My parents have both expressed concern over my dating, and my mother tells me that I should never get married again. I'm not ready for the scrutiny, drama and anxiety that I think an introduction would create. Of course it may all be in my head. BF sits idly by as I attend family events, and I feel badly about this. I've met his extended family - his parents are both deceased - and all is okay with this. Ugh - I need to just jump in and get it over with, but I'm afraid.

August will be five years, and I still have 3 full storage units of furniture and what-nots. I'm finally coming to terms with the process of moving some of it along, and it fills good to to know that I'm making some progress. Interestingly enough, some of the pictures that I've had up around the house with him, are also being tucked away. My NG has been so supportive of me, he notices the changes and so far hasn't said anything. Baby steps .....

Virgo My kids, how they've grown and are doing well and that he's not here to see this - these days affects me more than my grief over losing him. My son is graduating college a semester early, daughter thrived in her first year of college. Both kids doing exceptionally well right now, I get emotional when I think of how he would be so very proud of them, and that they don't have a father here to be with them. Mac Congrats on your engagement!

Dynamics changing here too as my daughter arrives home from college tomorrow night and is here for the summer. The happy domestic routine will change, and we'll be spending more time at his place - not quite as comfortable there but it will work. My house has become our house, he takes on projects and helps out like he owns the place. HIs house is his, we've not spent much time there. We're hoping to eventually prepare dinners here again and include DD, but I"ll take her cue on that. She has met him, but doesn't know him well. As far as him staying the night here, probably not for awhile. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I do love him, we're working things out. There are some obstacles that need resolution and the next few months will provide some clarity. I'm willing to give it time. tybec Definitely a lot on his plate, your post about priorities of love is a good one. It will be good to see how you and the relationship is prioritized with everythingl else that he's doing, seems like a very busy man. About him not needing you - disagree about this. Time spent with a parent is different - I enjoy for the most part, spending time with my parents but it gets to be an obligation. Spending time with my guy is a pleasure, I feel no obligation but rather a desire to be with him. The adult conversation would be welcome, but he feels a responsibility to her and their time spent together. Any way that you can help him out with some of the responsibilities - make it a joint effort of some kind? Child care isn't something to step into but do you have the time and interest in helping out with his mother? It might go a long way telling him that you'd like to participate in some way rather than feel a divide. Might not be do-able as you don't live close - but just a suggestion. About the kids - I loved getting out of the plastic toys strewn about stage, not having to make sandwiches, et al. and enjoy how independent my kids are becoming. Kids do grow up fast though. You continue to say that you love him and like your time together ..... I'm doing it a day at a time these days.

Thanks for this, Portside, I thought the married guy list was his stereotypical experience and of course doesn't represent all married men or women, for that matter. I know plenty of couples that are devoted to each other and their priorities seem to be different than what he states. As for prioritizing a spouse over all else, I do agree with this. It's not always easy - raising young children, caring for aging or dying parents, busy careers - but to make an effort at prioritizing a relationship is so important. I too miss the orderliness and uncomplicated ease of my marriage and am struggling in a new relationship not knowing if I can put him first. Things to think about .....

You're right that losing a life partner never goes away. Twenty two months in this journey is not much time at all. I started to feel alive again at about year three, and now at almost five years out there's a shift in how I'm getting on in this new life. I will always miss him, however have come to fully accept that he's no longer with us and am moving forward in a good life. Believe that it can happen for you too.

Agree with Portside that a rental contract doesn't necessarily carry to the new owner, and it doesn't seem that the current renter would be a selling point to any potential buyer! So she's still in the house as you're selling ..... a sticky situation. If she's vindictive and not cooperating this could most definitely affect the house sale. Maybe cut your losses and send her on her way, she's nothing but trouble and what rent money you could collect might not be worth the stress and hassle.

Yay, Virgo! Hope you have a great weekend!

Ugh, tybec, I hear you. No fun doing this kind of stuff on our own. Do you need to make a quick decision? Can you sleep on it for a night or two, and sort things out in your mind a bit before deciding? As for your renter, how good a friend is she? Seems sketchy that she backed out of the lease and doesn't offer compensation of any kind. A lease is a binding contract, but if she's a friend maybe there can be a compromise of some sort, like asking her to pay some rather than the full lease? I'd make a counteroffer on the house, if this hasn't been done already. Take the realtors opinion on the marketing of this house, spring can be a good time to sell. I find that taking a step back from the situation sometimes brings answers. Good luck!

This is tough, virgo. What was going on the last time he did this? Can you contact him to let him know that you value the relationship, yet plan to move forward without him? No trying to sway his decision, instead to hopefully get him to up his game. It would be good to get a guy's perspective here too ....

Appreciate the responses, this past week went well and I'm hopeful that the relationship can continue in a good way. In the past I've made quick decisions in the heat of emotion, and have regretted it. It's much better for me to take a wait and see attitude. I also remind myself of questions and doubts while with LH, dating and marriage, and we were together for 20 happy years. The doubts are part of being in a relationship I guess ..... klim I too relate to him being ahead of me with love and those feelings, and freely expressing them while I reply I love you too. I haven't responded enthusiastically either, and wonder if this bothers him. He told me a few months ago that he wishes that we had met 30 years ago, and I couldn't reply the same way. Five years ....... ((hugs)) ^yes!

Virgo I don't think that it's immature to back off and not contact him. If you're making all the effort, it's his turn to step up. I do like the attitude of getting out and doing your own thing. The relationship is still new, it takes time to get into a regular routine together.

Perhaps not but you and your BF are the adults and children, even adult children, will model their behavior after our own. What did you mean by "never again"? Not ever seeing them again? Not ever being mistreated by someone? Sadly, that is not within our power or control. I get it, it was terrribly uncomfortable. But if you hope to have a fully wonderful and open relationship with NG, you will have to address this in some manner. I told BF never again - meaning not seeing them again - because there's no need at this point to go through this again. I don't take his daughters' behavior towards me personally, instead I think it's more about their experience with their father's two marriages and the turmoil that they've all gone through. His daughters don't live here and they visit infrequently. Should BF and I decide to co-habitate or marry, I would make an effort to get to know them. We're not close to any decisions about this, so I am happy to not have to deal with drama in this regard. A fully wonderful and open relationship with NG? Maybe I can achieve this with him, time will tell.

The feelings of betrayal are hard to deal with, when I started dating I felt like I was somewhat betraying my LH so I can imagine what our kids might feel. If kids had a good connection with their Dad, I think it's natural for them to think that their deceased parent is being left behind or forgotten. My kids didn't want to acknowledge at first that I have a need for companionship and yes even sex (ack!!) however eventually have come to terms with the NG in my life. What's interesting is that I'm experiencing the betrayal issue through BF's two young adult daughters. BF tells me that they feel that they are betraying their step-mother, BF's ex, who semi raised them for 12 years, if they have try to have a relationship with me. It was an interesting first meet & greet with his daughters when they were here for the holidays, it was so uncomfortable that I told BF never again. Maybe an immature response from me but it's not up to me to convince his daughters to treat me respectfully. You are doing a great job, Virgo, thanks for sharing as I'm going through something similar too.

My life isn't complete without a dog in my house. I get it - death of our pets doesn't compare to losing a life partner, but it's a huge loss nonetheless.

At times I'm still stunned that he's no longer here. At 4-1/2 years out, the grief has softened and I'm glad to have rebuilt a life for myself. It still hurts sometimes, but nothing like in those early days. I think it's normal to have moments of disbelief that this is our life now. At times I feel his presence and think that he's still around and can imagine what he might say to us. My grief has been spaced out because to take it all in at once would have been too devastating. The analogy of waves of grief makes sense to me. At first they come in fast and furious like in a terrible storm. Eventually the waves slow down a bit and settle to more gentle waves and further apart. This is how it's been for me, anyway.

Thank you, I'm taking some time and hoping to get a perspective on the bigger picture. He's a good person, and in some ways I feel that we're perfect together. There's nothing easy about this. sudnlysngl Hoping for some peaceful days ahead for you ((hugs))

I don't know - the layers are getting peeled back and I'm not liking what's there. The drinking & driving issue is one part of it, but there's more that's bothering me about us together. Again I'll let this settle and see where we go from here. Seems that I'm doing this a lot lately .......

Virgo 16 year old daughter - it's a difficult time for some and I sure went through some stuff with my daughter when she was that age. It's good that your daughter apologized, maybe something will change and she can be more respectful moving forward. Or at least more aware of how her actions are perceived.

I appreciate all of you and the conversations here, it's been a big help to me in my relationship. I wasn't planning to mention details of my deal breaker, but would like feedback on what everybody thinks. On Saturday, a childhood friend and his GF visited my BF, they all had lunch and an afternoon of reminiscing and celebration which included (found out later) for BF only - quite a bit of beer. I arrived early evening and we all left for dinner - my BF driving. It became pretty apparent that he was driving impaired, if I had known that he had been drinking I would have taken the wheel. He fessed up to drinking and said that he thought he was fine. I will never put up with this again. He said it would never happen again - what bothers me most is that it happened in the first place. This hasn't happened before in over a year of us being together. A one-off, or a sign of what's to come? I don't know. Thoughts?

Hi Elle - I've kept some of DH's medical records because of our children. DH had heart issues, and I think that his med records might be of some help to my children some day.

arneal Domestic bliss ...... enjoy! tybec Glad that things are settling in for you, and that you had a good birthday celebration. Why do you think that an exciting trip with him won't happen for years and years? Kids no doubt make it more difficult to follow through with plans, but it's do-able? How to just enjoy now - good question! Update on BF - there've been some bumps in the road lately. We've settled into a nice domestic routine and see each other most nights and weekends and it's been good. He's been supportive during my mom's illness, and has helped out with household maintenance that I needed to get done. Our differences are becoming a lot more apparent though, and lately I called him out on something that to me is a deal breaker. He replied that it would never happen again - to me it's a blanket response without introspection. Day to day at this point, we're tiptoeing around each other right now and I'm sad that I'm not sure if this will work out. virgo BF and I have been together a year and two months. We all move at a different pace, a year is a good amount of time but for me it took awhile to feel committed to him.

Gotta laugh about finding an old farmer! ;D An alternative - although not a romantic relationship - is to have a female companion/friend to hang out with. My grandmother and great aunt were together many years, didn't live together but had dinner every night, ran errands together, went together to doctor visits. They were great companions where family otherwise would have had to step in and help out. Great advice here, good luck sugarbell!

This would be a timewarp - I can only imagine the feelings that this visit would bring up. How nice to visit your MIL on Good Friday, I bet she was happy to see you. My in-laws have a small shrine to their son in their home too. Although they haven't lived there long, there are reminders of DH everywhere and it is unsettling for me to visit there. I understand the mixed feelings. It's good to visit them, but depressing too ....