trying2breathe

Have your say, let her talk her BS stuff and then step back and let it play out. Advocate for your FIL when he needs a break from keeping busy all of the time. As one that has gone through the death of a spouse, you relate far more than one that hasn't experienced this. 59 years vs. 23 years - pffft, please!

My son is in school in Maine, a fall trip there sounds great. Pencil me in too!

Vent away tybec. You're jumping hoops to stay in the game with him and it seems like a heckuva lot that you're dealing with right now. Getting beer out of his fridge as this could be brought up in court? There are egregious issues that the courts deal with, it seems excessive to take care of this for him. As an outsider, it seems to be an unsettling situation that you're unwillingly getting pulled into. Can you take a step back, realize the craziness and hopefully temporary nature of the situation? I'm willing to go above and beyond in a relationship, but I need to feel a general sense of stability in my life too. Hope that you begin to find a balance very soon.

klim Oh how very scary, so sorry to hear this and glad that he's okay. I'm heart sensitive too as my healthy and active 49 y/o DH died suddenly of a heart attack while cycling. Heart disease is sadly far too common.

Needy Good to hear that you're doing well with NG, sorry to hear about the rest. Never a dull moment! I feel the pressure of aging parents, young adult kids and their stuff, family issues that include my in-laws, and a new job that is busier than I expected. BF has been a sounding board and supportive of everything going on, I'm grateful that he's stable and a voice of reason. My mom will be going through chemo soon, her diagnosis is considered curable with treatment, I'm thankful that she's not dealing with a more aggressive illness. I'll tap into another energy source and figure out how to give her additional time, love and care. BF and I are spending the weekend away together, it will be good to back away from the craziness for a few days.

Hmmm ..... I waited six months with NG - now BF - to have sex. We took our time to establish a trusting and loving relationship and only then did I feel comfortable enough to go there with him. And he said all along that he was okay to wait too. At six months we were more than ready to be with each other. So yes, those guys are out there. Agree with love2fish that there are some women that give the impression and do have sex on the first or second date ..... so why wouldn't some men at least try? Don't give up WW, there are some men that share your standards too.

Totally normal, I started dating and felt good about it but no real feelings. I remember the jolt of feeling again as I was sitting with my date, playing a game of Scrabble on his patio. Finished up the game and got the hell out of there, it was so scary. WTF indeed. That date is now my BF, and it's been a journey for me to accept the new feeling. Once you can accept this, it's great. Good luck!

Good to hear from you, Duckie. Glad that things are going well with NG and sorry to hear the news of your friend. tybec I'm applauding you from here, can you hear it? 😃 It's funny that sometimes what we say we want differs than how, when faced with it, we actually want things to play out. It is good to hear that we're desired and want somebody to take that next step with us. Your practical mind spoke up, and I think it's great! Good news Things are going very well with BF, he's fitting well into the family dynamics and everybody seems to be getting along. We are planning a long weekend trip away and I look forward to that. And the bad - my mom was just diagnosed with cancer, a mild form she thinks. I'll go with her to her appointment this afternoon and we'll find out more. I feel like I'm straddling the train tracks and not sure which one I'm leaning towards more.

Heartfelt prayers to you and your family, lmsmdm

Post Memorial Day Weekend , it was a good but fairly rainy holiday weekend. We did get to the concert on Saturday night with an umbrella, and it was fine. Spent a couple of nights at BF's house and my kids say that they're fine with it. Kids both say that they're okay if he's here too. It is interesting how dynamics change, my kids seem happy that I'm in a relationship and they are quite open to having him here. They freely share their stories and goings on with him, he equally does the same. It is all feeling right, but I don't feel the need to rush anything. I'm dealing with a bit of guilt that I'm moving forward and my children are happy with my new relationship, and I wonder what my LH would be thinking. tybec I'm glad that you feel good about your mother's service, and that not having NG there was the right thing. These events sometimes bring family together in a good way, and it sounds like it was this for you. I do hope that he provides that shoulder to lean into, as you say that support to see you through those tough times. arneal Your counseling story reminds me of my first go at therapy after DH died. We were living overseas, and I was given a referral for a "grief therapist". Ends up that she was a play therapist dealing in grief for young children and had no experience dealing with adults, which I learned after having two unsuccessful sessions with her. 😭 I look back on this now and laugh, good intentions but absolutely no benefit at all. My therapist now was widowed young and is ten years older than I am, successfully re-married 15 years ago. I feel lucky to have found her, almost want to go back to just sit in her serene office on the soft sofa and take in her calm demeanor, it feels good to be there. Therapy works for me, and fortunately my insurance plan covers it. Happy Two Years!

Hope everybody is doing well. Weather forecast here is torrential rain pretty much through the weekend 😕 BF and I have tickets to an outside concert on Saturday and I'm disappointed that this may not be happening. My kids are both home from school, the routine has changed but so far everything is working out well. BF has been here twice for dinner and everybody is commingling very well. BF commented on how my kids are well adjusted to our relationship, and his daughters are not quite there yet. Hmmm ..... glad that he's bringing this up and we'll see if things improve. Hadn't seen my grief therapist in a couple of years and it was good to get in for a tune-up. I think as widows something that we have in common is a fear of loss again. And as I suspected, my hesitation in more of a commitment with BF is that I'm afraid of losing him. The minor issues that BF and I are dealing with, I'm figuring out are truly minor, and we're working through them. Easier said than done to let go of fear, but to become aware of it, say it loud not only to myself but to him too, hoping that this will help me to let go. He's a great guy and I'm willing to work towards a better relationship with him. Feels good to put that out there .... Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

So sorry that you're dealing with this. Big big hugs to you ~

November I agree with the responses above that you're moving pretty fast. I've been dating NG for not quite a year and a half and and we're just now getting to the point where my 19 and 21 year old kids are comfortable having him over for dinner and hanging out together. I've had no conversations with my kids about future plans with him, I've kept things pretty simple instead for example asking they're okay if G is here for dinner on Saturday night. Baby steps. It's great that you are in a new wonderful relationship, all the best to you ~

In my earlier dating years pre-marriage, I had lots of boyfriends and relationships that didn't work out. I met LH when I was in my late 20's and married him when I was 31. I had plenty of time to sow wild oats and was very ready to get married at that age. And now, widowed almost 5 years and a year and a half into a relationship with a great guy and I'm on the fence on whether to make it work with him. I have the experience of disappointments in relationships and don't fear that, yet am not sure if he's the one that I want to focus on. Do you fear settling down again? Relationships are give and take, but ultimately I believe a relationship should be a comfortable and easy place to be together. Do you fear breaking somebody's heart again?

Although I'm a social person and usually like to be around others, I find myself at times avoiding the crowd and ducking out of social situations. Like choosing to walk my dog in the morning on the route less traveled, making it more likely that I won't see many people. Not sure if this was brought about by widowhood but I find that I do love my alone time more and more.

Congrats, tybec, on the sale of the house! One big thing to cross off the list. You do have a lot going on, hope there are some peaceful days ahead for you very soon. sudnlysngl ((Hugs))

I watched the wedding too, it's surprising that the innocence still seems to be there although they are a bit older and she has been married before. The world was once our oyster too, I looked at my wedding photos last week and was reminded of how innocent and naive DH and I were then. It would be great to feel that joy of a new beginning again, not sure if it's possible for me but maybe it's something to work towards.

Widow angst, a common thread with some of us. I scheduled a therapy session next week and am actually looking forward to it. I haven't seen my therapist in two years - she was widowed young, without seeking love again she met somebody, and then married him. We have a lot in common, it will be good to get a tune-up, as FW mentioned, as well as hash out some of this relationship stuff too. Although I'm keeping it light, the conversation continues with BF. He's still patient although I feel him pulling away a bit, maybe anticipating that we may not stay together. So not fair to keep going in this way. sigh ...... edited to add this - I think we posted at the same time, arneal 😁 I don't need him and I feel complete without him, he is the icing and he is enough. I'm happy on my own, he adds to my life and I love him. BF and I are both on the same page with all of this. I think it might be fear that I can't fully love again, hesitation because of the possibility of losing somebody again. There are differences and annoying things between us, we've worked through some issues and so far we're dealing with the differences. There should be nothing standing in the way of us together, but there is. It's me ........ I'm gonna get my money's worth at the therapy session next week.

oops, not sure what happened or where I was going with that 🙄 Today would have been my 25th wedding anniversary with DH. I'm sad, but not terribly so. I've accepted that he's no longer here, and am moving forward with a new life. My daughter hugged me this morning, wishing me a happy anniversary. It felt good that she remembers this too, without me mentioning it. I feel like the widowhood part of me continues to heal, but wonder how it is affecting everything else. Have had several conversations with BF lately on our relationship, last night was a biggie that I feel cleared the air with brutal honesty on my expectations and whether I'm being realistic about us. I'm at a crossroads and have been for awhile, on whether to stay with him. It feels like I'm dragging this relationship on, and I hope to get some clarity on how to move forward. He's a good man, I do love him and yet I'm still not sure. Is this widow related angst or something else? I hope to see my grief therapist again to sort some of this out. He's patient and willing to wait, and I'm grateful for that. I realize that I want something more than a good relationship, I'm looking for great. The ability to be closer with him and my acceptance of us together. Anyway, I ramble on ........

tybec Sorry to hear of NG's layoff, that is a big hit. And it sounds like it was a bit of a surprise. I hope the impact isn't too much, I guess that time will tell. I've been

I'm glad that this purge topic was revisited, this one suits me well too right now. Coming up on five years and it's time to sort through a lot of furnishings, odds and ends and more of his personal items that have been in storage for awhile now. It will be a big project but I feel ready to move forward and get on with it. I had a good cry when I parted with DH's well worn leather slippers, they were molded in the form of his feet. I'm happy that my daughter has saved and likes wearing some of his t-shirts, and my son enjoys wearing some of his sweaters. Sigh ..... another step forward in this journey. It's difficult but feels good to be moving on with this.

Congrats and best wishes, patswife. It's good to know that there is hope for a wonderful relationship for those that have been widowed.

Good riddance! Let the healing begin ~

I understand this too. My kids are on their way to becoming independent, I had a good 20 year marriage and finally am feeling a bit more settled. Life is becoming enjoyable again, and as you say, the rest is gravy. On the topic of death, I'm attending a funeral this week for an uncle who passed away at the ripe old age of 91. He lived a good life and was active until about a year ago. This funeral to me will be a celebration of my uncle's full and happy life, with just a tingle of sadness.. I'm accepting of death for those that haven't had their life cut short, and hope that I don't come across as uncaring. Because to me this is how the cycle of life should be and sometimes not how it actually happens.

Thanks for the responses on not introducing BF to my parents. It is interesting about my mother's statement that I shouldn't marry again - she's outspoken and at times can say some pretty outrageous things. I think she believes that she's being protective of me by saying this. Both of my parents have no filter when speaking, it took me being on my own for awhile to realize how inappropriate my parents can be. I'm not willing to be the buffer between everybody, I get anxious just thinking about it. I've told BF that I want to keep him for myself right now, and not get into crazy family stuff. He has met my brother, and I wouldn't hesitate to intro him to other family members. Hopefully he's okay with the way it is right now.