trying2breathe

Ahh, those early days when things were simple. We rubbed nickels together but took pleasure in the small stuff. One of our favorite things to do to kick off a weekend on a Friday after work - sit on a dock on the bay and share a small tub of ice cream and watch the sailboats go by. 😌 I haven't done this in years - NG and I are entertaining this weekend, a first for us. I'm happy that we're settling and doing okay. Happy Weekend All ~

No sofa - folding chairs and crates 😜 Summertime in Miami - I kept the a/c at a balmy 80 to save $$ 😅

klim It sounds familiar - my young adult kids did the same when NG started to hang around my house. Slowly they got used to him and it got better with time, it's a big adjustment. You may not need help with anything, but maybe ask NG to pitch in and pull weeds or something? 🤔

Where's the love button, tybec? Smiling here too, so glad things are coming together for you. It's a process isn't it. The logical/fickle relationship sounds familiar, the two can balance each other out nicely in good circumstances. Best with those travel plans with your son - maybe Africa is in your plans? I did veg a bit this weekend, not something that I usually do. Binge watched some of season 2 of Ozark and enjoyed it 😀 - dark and disturbing but so good. It was a nice break to have the weekend away from NG, I realize that I don't always like who I am when I'm with him. It felt like a bit of a reboot for me, if that makes sense. Moving forward I'll see how this goes .....

Love that life goes on with or without SOs. I'll have a chance to do my own thing this weekend while NG is away visiting his daughter. Looking forward to some alone time, tackling stuff around the house, catching up on reading and focusing on the dog. I'm planning on taking my mom to the movies on Saturday, should anything come up I'll consider it but other than that no plans 😁and it feels good. Happy Weekend ~

Wish that I lived closer, I hear that Nashville is an amazing place to visit.

I remember you mentioning this relationship ending, sounds like the feelings are still there. It's a good sign that he included your daughter in on your swim date. Go for it!!

CW I relate to much of your post. I was a reluctant girlfriend for the better part of a year, like bunny I found him at my house A LOT and wondered why he was around so much. In the early days of our dating, I was happy for a pleasant time out with him and had no expectations. I felt ready to date, but it took time to get accustomed to the idea of having somebody in my life again. Then I grew to love him, depend on him, enjoy more and more of our time together. It's taken a long time to get to the point of accepting the relationship, it's a work in progress but it does feel good to continue to grow together with him. The thought of losing somebody again frightens me, I think that I will carry this with me forever. But I'm also happier partnered, and most of the time willing to take the risk that comes along with loving somebody again. What lead me to continue to take the steps in furthering the relationship? A good man that is extremely patient with me, that listens and is okay with the walls that I build and work hard to knock down. And he's accepting of the fact that I may never want to marry again. We talk a lot about the issues that both of us bring to the relationship. Communication has been the key to keeping us together and moving forward in a positive way. There is no rush - hopefully he can see this too, should you continue in the relationship.

Six weeks away is certainly taxing on a new relationship. You're not pathetic, you're being introduced to his work style that involves lots of travel. I'd be mad too. For some it would be deal breaker, it's certainly manageable if you know what to expect and structure a routine around this. I know it's important to value time spent with loved ones and to value relationships and not take things for granted, and for me it's important to value my own time with whatever I'm doing. Before getting married, DH and I had a long distance relationship that lasted three years. He traveled for business 100% of the time, working in exotic locations around the world. He invited me several times to join him on a great trip and I did, there can be benefits to dating one that travels for business. and this^^

Sounds like a good weekend, tybec, and great to spend time with your son too. It's so good to get out there, and not wait to have NG at your side. The six month cycle of court hearings, sigh .... the slow grinding of the system that takes FOREVER. As an outsider looking in, it seems unhealthy that he is spending every moment on his case and with his kids. I can imagine that this is taking its toll, and obviously not just on him. It's hard to think of yourself as an outsider in all of this, a complication in this process. I think that it's unreasonable to put this kind of pressure on anybody - to suggest that anybody going through a custody battle to not date, especially in a process that takes so very long. You're taking a healthy approach and keeping busy, but are you willing to wait this out? Maybe it's laughing about the absurdity of the situation right now, hopefully you can get some time with him to sort out feelings and lighten up the mood just a little bit.

Thanks for the comments, appreciate them all. NG continues to show that he cares for me and our growing relationship so I'm pretty sure (?) that he no longer has romantic feelings for her. But yeah - it's weird and is getting to me. Jealousy is usually not part of my nature - as things progress in our relationship it's more difficult to manage. He's transparent with me, telling me when they communicate and why. And out of necessity it seems and nothing more. I've let him know that I appreciate that he gets along with his two exes, that it's admirable that there's no drama and they positively engage in the lives of their children. It would be nice to know that it would be possible to blend and coexist with his exes. Whether we will ever meet, I don't know.

Beautifully said, Wheelerswife Three weeks - those early dark day are so difficult. Breathe, rest, drink water, eat when you can, breathe again. One foot in front of the other. It will take some time and as Mike states, it WILL get better.

arneal Gotta love those nosy neighbors! There's one older man in my neighborhood that pokes into my business now and then asking about NG's truck in the driveway. It's pretty annoying! I think that he asks out of concern, believes that he's looking out for the "lonely widow". I want to tell him to mind his own business and go away 😠 think instead I'll go with "all is well"! Transition time - NG is thinking of taking on a new job, a position better suited to his training and that he finds fulfilling. I've witnessed this position unfold for him, excited for him and have been supportive - initially he said that he didn't think he could do it and I encouraged him to pursue it. He's working the numbers with the company and hopes to get an offer that he can accept. His ex is a Human Resources professional, and he let me know that he plans to call her to go through the financial aspect of his contract to figure out what he needs. I'm uneasy about him reaching out to her, no doubt she'll provide him with the information that he needs - so, why do I feel so uneasy about this? They parted amicably, get together during holidays for the sake of the kids (her step-kids), he had to learn to fall out of love with her when they divorced. I wouldn't think of telling him not to reach out to her. Most divorced people I know make a point of staying away from their exes - not my NG. Jealousy (?) isn't usually something that I feel - any thoughts on how I should deal with this?

Tears, no words ..... big big hugs to you.

dottie I'm so sorry for the loss of your fiance. I lost my husband suddenly in a foreign country, and went through some unconventional ways to me, of dealing with his loss. There is nothing right about the situation and if therapy is upsetting you more, it's time to find another therapist. I did find a therapist, a widow herself, it felt right to me and yes, it helped. There are grief and trauma specialists, something called EMDR for trauma, I don't have experience with this but perhaps this is something to look into when searching for a new therapist. Sorry to welcome you here, this has been a comforting place for me and I hope that it will be the same for you. You are not alone - a gentle (hug) to you.

Re. the article - it stereotypes dating colored by the writer's experience and of course s/he will share what they know. I think that the article makes sense for a certain generation - millennials maybe. I've had conversations with my 19 year old about dating and she has shared some of what is in this article. I agree that a lot of folks that I know - those of my generation - don't act the way described in the article. There isn't much there that resonates with me, but the dating process in my experience has certainly changed. Social media, instant gratification with all that is available, it seems that the romanticized idea of courting doesn't really exist anymore for young people. Call me old fashioned, but it makes me sad that my young adult kids won't know this .....

It is complicated to re-partner, the baggage is inevitable. I like the idea of carrying our own baggage and allowing our SOs to manage their own, and choosing to be together on the same journey. Easy to say this and tougher to manage, but for me this gives some structure to a difficult situation. Sigh ..... yes, I long for those simple and uncomplicated days with DH and our small family. Keep on keeping' on, tybec - good for getting out there and connecting with others. And best to you on having a high schooler - some of my best friends now I met through my children's high school.

Oh tybec, I sense the deep stress and frustration in your post. It's disheartening to learn how the hearing is going and I hope for continued clarity as the process unfolds. I know nothing of how custody hearings work in your area, but I do hope that the system will not deny him the deserved custody of his children. Big big hugs to you -

I'm disappointed to not make this one, I'll be helping my son with move in at his college apartment. Hope that you all have a great time -

Our fur baby died a few years after DH, it's an extra loss that hurts so much more. ((Hugs)) Frederick ...

I'm not a teacher, but I wish you all the best on the new school year!

sdarrah I'd be frustrated too, any chance you can get away for a few days? Agree with portside that talking with NG first is important, the kids may resent any changes that you try to make. A pattern has been set and the family is happily relying on you to take care of theirs and the household's needs. It will taking some unwinding to undo this pattern. My kids are away at school much of the year, but I do remember the feeling of being overwhelmed with household responsibilities and little help. As members of a household everybody should have a responsibility to help out. What helped for me: chore assignments (age appropriate) and posting it if necessary, taking turns with the shopping and cooking, and a fun family treat/outing when chores do get done. I do agree on preparing one meal only, you're not a short order cook. Just getting the conversation going can help, and of course having NG on board with this first is important. I'd also ask for contributions towards hiring an occasional housekeeper if needed - you can't and shouldn't do it all. Hope it gets better, hang in there. Keep us posted.

RAM Hope you're doing okay, and that you're in touch with him while he's away. I remember the feeling of being left behind when DH left on business trips. And then I got used to it, enjoying a bit of freedom and doing my own thing while he was away. Popcorn and a big glass of wine for dinner, for example ..... 😁 Of course a dating relationship is different, and the post-widowhood vulnerability struggle is real - it's a different scenario altogether. Widow angst for me creeps in at the strangest times, sometimes when it's least expected. Hope the time while he's away passes quickly for you .....

Sending hugs your way too, I agree with Euf on thinking about seeing somebody re. possible depression. It's hard to keep the facade going of being okay when you're really not. Hope for some peaceful days ahead for you -

It's interesting to read the responses on how some of us deal with sadiversaries. The week leading up to this one, I felt more strongly than the past few. For this reason, decided to keep the circle small and didn't include NG. Yesterday came and went, and it was okay. A visit to the cemetery, a quiet reflective day and dinner with my daughter, all good. There has also been a disconnect with NG the past few weeks, and it didn't feel right to include him in on anything to reminisce DH and celebrate our family life as we once knew it. The question I ask myself is whether the disconnect with NG happens because of my widow angst, or whether there is a genuine disconnect with him. I realize that the days leading up to the sadiversaries I become emotional and over-sensitive. What hurts is when he backs away at those times when I'm sad. Although it feels awkward he is trying to show care and compassion. I remember about a year ago after we became a committed couple, he wanted to share and "celebrate" those sad days with me, visit the cemetery, make a memorial to DH, join in on our annual participation in the Heart Walk. His way of actively doing something, and not just quietly sitting in it. It must be frustrating to be a fixer and not have the opportunity to fix. I have kept him at a distance from all of it, and maybe it's time to invite him in. More conversations to come and hopefully we can move forward from here. Thanks for the conversation, appreciate all of you ~