klim

first widow ...I get the idea of there are some family moments ( like graduation) that you want to yourself. I have a very eager partner and he would be by myside for everything and sometimes I just have to say no. Last weekend he helped me move my sons home from university, which doesn't sound that emotional but honestly I kept thinking it should be my dh,their dad helping........and I kinda felt that his presence was invasive.....but his help was also helpful......and he likes to help. It was a balancing act for my emotions last week. Trying2breathe...your mother has kinda put you in a tough spot by stating that you should never remarry...but maybe she'll warmup to the idea...you know her best . Do they at least know of your boyfriend but have not met him? If not I would start by talking about him when you are with your parents. Exposure therapy ..you might say. ....getting them acclimated to the idea. Again difficult to say how people react but for me it's ll been positive. People who care about you should be happy to see you happy.

I include NG in family things, even included him a little before I was ready because he was so eager. It has always gone smoothly. The only issues have been with my younger son and that is just that he has issues in general not specific to NG. I even went so far as bringing him to a engagement party for my niece on DH's side. he met most of my inlaws at that time. They were nice and receptive. Only one of DH's brothers struggled but he struggles even when I come by myself.It such a strong reminder that his brother is gone...and they were close. He has introduced me to many members of his family.Most encounters have been great. Now having said that there have been a couple of times when he has been to see some of his adult children and I think that maybe he should go on his own. That they may want to share their life with him privately and he not be bringing his new girlfriend along. For example, When he went to meet his granddaughter for the first time.....I thought that might be something he wanted to share with his son on his own but he wanted me along ...so I went. Anyways Arneal thats how family visits are going here

I think in a committed parenthood ( two parents equally invested in the upbringing of the children) ,children will be high on the list. The prioritizing the care of children will be prioritizing the spouse because the spouse will not be at their best if the children are negelected. MY husband and I worked this way. We didn't live through the children , what we did was not childcentric , it was family oriented. We didn't do a disney cruise but went on a cruise together. We didn't go out to a fancy restaurant alone but to a nice buffet where the everyone could always get something they liked. We'd go camping because it so easily catered to all our needs. The one time we went to NYC alone ( which was great) we kept thinking about how we should be showing the boys it, so much so that we got home, we booked a family trip for 3 months later.( sidenote: my husband died before we made that second trip but I still took the boys) I am actually having more difficulty now that I am dating and my kids are on the verge of independance. Ng is a grown man, sons ( especially my son who fights with depression) still need some guidance. I don't get how if there is a conflict about who needs me I am supposed to prioritize "my man" Maybe I don't understand the depth of the meaning of prioritze.

it is nice to see isn't it. I love when I see my son being a sweet boyfriend.....he really is a catch. Ok I might be a little biased as most parents tend to be, but seriously he's turned out pretty good!

So my "kids" are going to be back living at home as of this Sunday. They have been away at University for 8 months and yes they came home every once in a while but now they will be there full time. The older one actually hasn't been home full time in close to 3 years as his summer jobs were with the university. In that time the relationship between NG and I has been growing. We live an hour apart so have set up a kind of schedule where date night( he comes my way as his work schedule is much more flexible) is Tuesday and then the weekends ebb and flow between his place and my place depending on what's happening. I have always been a little more relaxed at his house...we are more equals at his house. At my house I am more host. For one thing his house was a blank slate. He moved there 5 months before his wife left and they were already deteriorated to the point that there was no "we" at that point. His wife took all the furniture and stuff and NG did really the bare minimum in the year and a half before I met him to make his house his home. He had a couch, bed and dining table, two plates and a pot and a pan. Since I have arrived, we have painted the living room, he has nice livingroom set up,and he has enough pots ,pans and dishes to host a dinner party. He even has a shower curtain and bath mat. Yes I do wonder what he was doing before we met. With my sons being home full time and the fact that I always want them to feel totally relaxed in their own home combine that with my feelings that my house is my house and his house is more ours ........ well lets put it this way I feel like there maybe a shift in dynamics and I'm not sure how it's going to play out. Just wanted to share and see if anyone else shares this "his house/my house /their house/our house problem"

I have left all the pics up but they are mixed in with baby pics and pics of my mom and dad and family vacations. They are not the standard engagement /wedding pics. My kids still live here and i think it would be odd if I systematically removed the pictures that contained DH. I will also add that I dated a guy for 3 years who had been married for 28 years and had two kids....I found it odd when he didn't have any photos of his previous life in his place.

Trying2 instinct is sometimes hard to figure out... sometimes i think it's accurate and protects us but sometimes i think it's set in high gear and we're hyper reactive to thing that a fall in the normal range. Like a deer running from a photographer because they think he's a hunter. The "taking time and getting perspective" sounds wise. I ran into situation this weekend. I went over to NG's place Friday night and we went out, grabbed dinner and then back to his place and I spent the night. It is our normal routine and it was a pleasant time but nothing extra special but by the end of the night he was gushing with "I love you like crazy.... " Now He's always been ahead of me with the love and such feelings but the best I could say was love you too. And it made me very thoughtful, It's like I make his world wonderful and without me it's dull. Where as I view my life as it's good and I enjoy being with him. I'm just not a person of extremes , never have been. i was thinking I don't ever think I told DH that I loved him like crazy or at least not with the zeal that NG does. I don't think I'll ever be saying it to NG. I must say it feels wrong to not respond with an equally enthusiastic response declaring my love, but it's not my style....I'm very even keeled. Maybe I was just a little too introspective this week, Wednesday it was 5 years since DH passed.

Virgo i hope you figure out what's going on there, I hate when there's little or no communication, it's hard to sort things out then.

Trying to breathe...you may have to dig deeper into the dealbreaker issue. It sounds as if that was a sweep it under the rug type of response, but maybe it's that simple truth for your guy to say ,"if it hurts my chances with You I won't do it" I know that my guy is very responsive to critiques of his actions and has changed his handling of certain things because of conversations we've had. I must say though I do watch for his reverting back.....and I think it has slowed down my ability to fully commit........I need to to know that the changes are perminent and not just an act. Basically I want to believe , and am giving it a chance but still after a year and 3months am cautious.

Oh i am definitely a rebel with a conscience. A rebel not a REBEL....but just provide a little bit more push back at work etc. As Toosoon said"I'm also responsible but its been great to buck all the notions of how things are "supposed to be" and just do our own thing. "

I'm pretty sure I may have always had this in me but the passing of DH has brought it to the forfront. i don't always obey the rules any more. I have a bit of a fukit attitude. He lived the ultimate healthy lifestyle. Food choices were contientious , religiously fixing his fruitplate to eat in the evening so he would have his proper nutrient. Working out everyday...didn't matter if he'd had a long day at work or we were travelling he'd squeeze that workout in. Always lived this way from the time I met him 30 years earlier. It wasn't just a fad. And he died of a heart attack, coronary heart disease with a 75% blockage (plaque) of one major artery...... So my conclusion..playing by the rules doesn't always work, so now I do a little more questioning, and a little more rebelling. I like it. Maybe it's a little more of the awareness of life is short...not sure?1? Anyone else feel this way? The only part I'm having difficulty with is I seem to be getting a little pissed off at my friends who seem to be just blindly following rules with out questioning them. I've been challenging them to do so....then usually later I have remorse because really they are just doing what they have been told....ooops I guess I should curb that bad habit.

That's a heck of alot of blending...no wonder it's hard. Holidays force us into an overload of family gatherings. It maybe time to cocoon again and appreciate that your new blended nuclear family is hopefully actually doing pretty well. The extended blending may never exactly fall in place but that is secondary to your daily routine. Hoping for smoother days ahead. Onward and forward....

As a caregiver to children, you know that they take your time and although you can schedule things around their activities and arrange for alternate care, their needs can sometimes usurp yours. It sounds like your BF's mother has him in a very similar situation. The difference is you are in charge of your children's schedule and therefor your schedule. Obviously you take into consideration your childrens needs when making plans, but you are in charge. I'm thinking it would be best if your BF could approach his mother in a way that says yes he is willing to do the things he's been doing but he needs more control on the when. Having a set schedule would be so helpful and probably lower the stress. Goodluck.

And maybe that is the point that makes me feel differently about insurance. We worked hard and lived frugally so we could feel secure. The money we saved went into investments. That was our insurance. We knew that our basic needs would be covered......being Canadian medical needs are looked after. our house was almost paid...we knew we would be fine.

Of course there will be a strong support of insurance here. We if we chose it, are the benefactors of this insurance. You are paying for piece of mind. But odds are most people will be looking at this scenario "At the end of your term, coverage will end and your payments to the insurance company are complete. If you outlive your term life insurance policy, the funds are forfeit. The premiums from individuals who don’t die while their policies are in force ultimately support the generous payouts that insurance companies can pay to those who do." It's a gamble...a gamble I lost.

"get rich "was just a saying, didn't mean to imply it was great big business opportunity but it's how they make their money.

Tybec , that sounds lovely. Arneal I think you should own your situation. Tell whoever you want ...or don't tell them. If they drop in to check on you , introduce your NG and don't even blink. You have developed this relationship and you feel good that is all that matters. Don't worry about other people judging. You know how you feel. My feeling for NG have been growing/improving lately. Part of it is he is showing more acceptance that I still have a huge need to mother my children even though they are 20 and 22. He himself moved out of his family home when he was 18 and had started a successful company by the time he was 20. Two of his children moved out early when they were 18 and a third is 25, married, has a house/farm and a child on the way, so I think he struggled with my kids age and their lack of independence. I don't, they are going to University and their permanent home is my home. I help them out. My youngest is struggling with anxiety and depression, so he takes a little more consideration. Anyways NG said the other day when he sees how much I love and care for my children he loves me more. I think this has been an adjustment on his part...at first he tried to project his view of the world into my situation and now he is beginning to see it as a good part of me. I like that.

Insurance is another whole topic in my head. I have always said insurance companies get rich off of fear. They play the odds and the odds are in their favour. You fear what ever ......car being totalled... house burning down....dying young....and the odds are it won't happen. But we know it can. So I have never liked the idea of paying insurance to calm my fears. So......no life insurance . Had mortgage insurance for 6 months because of some free promotion and then I cancelled it. That was 2 months before Dh died......so would have had the mortgage paid for. So insurance has not been helpful....but I stand behind my decision. Insurance companies get rich because we pay them and most never make a claim. I just would have been the exception.

Mine were a bit older when I started dating(15 and 17) but yes finding the balance was and still is tricky. I left the dating part out of the equation at first and just established that I needed to get out for some me time. Only when I was further along with my dating life did i include some details in conversations with my boys...still vague...but getting them used to the idea. It worked ok for me. Maybe not perfect as the older one said It's ok it's only normal mom" and the younger said "fine just don't involve me" but that's their personalities. Anyways it's a little over 4 years later I've have been through one 2 1/2 year relationship and now in a new one. I still try and balance "my family " time , some integration and me/date time. We deal but it is seriously tricky to balance everything. As people have mentioned the kids get older and there will be an independant life in the future so I'm glad I have establish some me time. Hope you find a way that works for you.

ok going to give my 2 cents worth..... The fact that she is honest , the fact that it feels good, the fact that you are aware and thinking......this is good. We all have baggage at this point, which means that sometimes are minds do waver, we do think about lost loves both deceased and exes.....does it mean we are not ready to move forward? I think not! We want to try. I know that with my new guy I have been slow to fully be emotionally available. I wasn't playing games....I was figuring myself out. I don't know how people can be so bloody sure of themselves in these strange new situations we find ourselves in. I think if NG had described me to his friends he might have gotten the same reaction you are getting here. i wasn't playing games . Maybe some would say I shouldn't be dating if I wasn't sure of my direction but I was always honest about what was going on in my head. Anyway I am a very trusting person ( maybe to a fault) but I would be taking her at her word and keep enjoying what she brings to your life. As Arneal said....Follow your instinct. Be careful with your heart, but open to possibilities

To answer a few questions raised My sons are 20 and 22. I wouldn't hand them a lump sum, I was thinking more like when they are ready, give them money towards the downpayment for a house instead of them renting or something like that. Also there is no iminent cohabiting or marriage, the money is just something I think about.

I am financially sound , not rich but doing well. My NG has a business which allows him a good lifestyle. So we travel and generally enjoy life because we can. So my money struggles are not with lack of funds and I am thankful for that. I struggle with the idea of sharing what I have built up. When I was young and met my husband we immediately went into the "our money" mode, even for the long period of time when i worked part time and made much less we were equals in what and how much to spend. I was not given an allowance or any such thing, we were a team with a household income.I know alot of people have had separate accounts where one part of the couple pays for the rent , the other the groceries etc but I have never lived this way. Now I want to keep everything separate. For one thing I feel like half of my wealth belonged to my LH and therfore NG has no right to it. My sons should have it and not just in a will but now. I get so confused and sometimes I think this, along with my overthinking of everything, stops me from moving forward. Any thoughts or experiences that might help me process this?

Yes Virgo that statement, those 3 little words can have quite and impact.I'm glad you are viewing it as a step forward. Some say it so easily , it can mean, you make me happy or show appreciation or adoration. For others they reserve it for very poignant moments and say it very rarely. In my first post widow relationship I said it one night when i was happy and feeling very secure and his response was a very cautious warning that those were very powerful words and should be used very carefully. i was probably the one doing the back peddling then, saying i was just in a good mood and was enjoying being with him.That relationship developed and lasted almost 3 years and I was careful about using those words. He did end up saying he loved me and when he did, you knew he was sincere. Fast forward to the relationship I'm in now and new NG was flinging those words around way too early. I kept telling him , you can't say that you don't even know me.He said it just means that I enjoy you. I did not reciprocate with "i love you" I said I enjoy you too....and told him I couldn't say it until it meant more. he still says it alot more then me, I think just because I don't use the phrase casually.

Needytoo, I am the one in my relationship that is rejecting the idea of living together and I think my BF is feeling much like you. For me it is not my mother but my 20 yr old depressed son that slows down my ability to think about this next step. I must say it is actually the hardest part of our relationship because I know whar my bf wants but I also Know that sometimes I have to do what I have to do for me and my son. For example last weekend was a holiday weekend, and BF was looking forward to going away( not that we'd discussed plans...) anyways it was also reading week for my sons and they were coming home from university for the week. So to make it work for both I ended up going away for the Sat with BF and then I picked up my sons on Sunday. I work hard to balance this ....it hurts to know he is sad when I leave but I have to look after the other part of my life too. I have had times when I have told him that we have to break up because I can't give him the time he wants, that he needs someone more available. He is still with me so you can see I haven't been very persuasive. Another point I should probably mention is that when he does take things more in stride ( eg no sad puppy eyes when I head off to go get my son) I feel actually happier and more connected with him.. When he pouts about my predicament it makes me feel he just doesn't get how hard this balancing act is for me. I bring this up so that hopefully you realize this probably isn't easy for your BF with his mother and all.

I think the idea of"dating many" is a problem for those who as soon as they are having a pleasant conversation ,have switched on that switch in their head that can toggle between "this is a possibility BF/GF" to "this is the one"At that point talking with others online or meeting others feels wrong because in their mind they're already with with "their guy/gal" I often talked to many.....I am personally very slow to identify "the one".,but have been surprised at how quickly some people flip the switch, often only to be disappointed as they move forward and learn more about they interact with a person. I also think your reaction to dating is inate and based in your personality and experiences. If someone tried to tell me , be brave, jump in with both feet....I'd have trouble...but I stay conscious of this and try and release my reservations a little. Find your own stride .....stay positive...laugh ,and know it may take time.