klim

i definitely have an"I can do it myself" attitude and have a hard time accepting help. Even at the beginning of this journey I didn't want help. My grief would have felt worse if I felt I needed help. I wouldn't even let anybody drive me and my kids to the funeral. Somehow I needed to be self sufficient. It helped me. I've done all the maintenance on the house and brought my kids through the end of highschool and on to University. I'm used to it and there's a certain pride associated with it. My worst stumbling block has been car maintenance so that is where my NG has succeeded in helping me. And I admit it feels good. Maybe I'll figure out how to accept other forms of help.

Oh don't ponder on your own, it's much better to ponder with us

IT's true I think of handholding as very casual but i do have to get a certain point of familiarity with a date before I handhold. I don't know where that line is but with one date I know it was not the right time, he held my hand ( maybe 2-3 dates in) and he was just awkward or I was , anyways it was just wrong. On the otherhand I've slipped into holding hands very early with others.....

t2b ...yes the work that you speak of with issues...that is what makes new relationships tricky. For me there's so much thinking that I do now, where I don't believe I analyzed as much when I was young. I just when with the flow. Sometimes now I go with the flow and it feels easier, but then my thinking kicks in...... The last couple of days I spent at NG's house and I did some things I'd never thought I would. Let me explain. NG is a farmer/businessman. He was an old school type of guy where his responsiblility was to "work and provide for the family". So his wife also had a traditional role of taking care of house and home. I don't really have any trouble with people taking on roles as long as they are happy with it. The thing is when his wife left he had no "home" skills and none of the things you would find in a normal home because his wife emptied the house to the bare walls. When I met him he had developed somewhat , he knows how to cook a few things and can now do his laundry. But his house which is large and actually could be very nice was run down and dirty. He was living as a bachelor farmer....not really an inviting environment! He doesn't lack money so over time I've suggested some purchases that would make it more inviting. Some extra kitchenware, cushions for his wrought iron patio set(now I actually like sitting outside) but this weekend I broached a couple of things that I felt I shouldn't, but were bugging me. His bedding was dismal and he would let it go too long between washes...I had to speak up.....so a 10 pm run to walmart and new bedding lead to the best night I've had there. Spurred on by the bed makeover, I suggested painting his living room which was a mess. The previous owner had done some renovations (like I said the place has potential) but the project was not quite finished. The walls had some dirty old wallpaper in one area, new construction on another, half painted in another....a mess. So we spent the day painting. I'm liking it but I didn't like having to suggest these things because........I don't know, I guess I feel demanding.....( but I didn't demand) . I think he's just oblivious to things that make a house a home. Anyway that was my weekend.

yes definitely a great thread 1. My mom was 84 and very frail when my husband suddenly died. She told me she would stay at my house and take care of me. Of course I said don't be ridiculous she couldn't hardly take care of herself...which was true as she was very weak at the time. But she did take care of me , she phoned me every night for quite a long time, just about the time of night when I was getting ready for bed. It's like she knew that would be the time of day that my mind would wonder. Basically she made sure I got tucked in bed with a warm and caring voice. It helped alot. 2. An aquaintance at work befriended me and took me for a number of retail therapy adventures( at the thrift store to remain economical). She had suffered numerous losses and she got it. She knew I needed to be doing stuff. ....plus we both like clothes! 3. The condolences that are written on the funeral home website maybe not be acts of kindness , but definitely bring about a positive feeling. Of course there were numerous outpourings at the beginning , each one making me feel loved but then there are the others. My old friend who left a message on the 1st anniversary, I appreciated that. And then there are the students. My husband was a highschool teacher and many students left a note at the beginning but a couple of his students have written later , even 4 years later. It's nice to know people still think of him.

ok I'll elaborate with the not on all levels. While early dating was nights out at restaurants or dinner at someones house and a movie. Attention was new and appreciated. Him saying he didn't want to leave seemed sweet and endearing. But I've learned he never wants to go home( or if I'm at his place he doesn't want me to leave) or even transition from one activity to the next is difficult. While on vacation , I was pushing for every transition. He liked to just sit together, never was ready to move to the next thing. He clings, in every aspect. It's nice to feel wanted but there is part of him that doesn't understand that there is a part of my life that I have to deal with, without him. My house,my sons. He says in words that he understands but I don't think he really does. Take for instant, this past weekend, we went camping for 3 days, Had pretty good time as it was his first time camping and I was showing him all sorts of new things.. We get back to my place around 9 at night, we unloaded the car, and I give a good hug and kiss goodnight, thank him for a good time......he continues to hug me and I say something like Ok I gotta go and he quickly , in a pissy manner says ok bye. He didn't show any appreciation for the weekend, just aggrevation from having to leave. To me that means we have a disconnect. I had hoped when it first surfaced as a problem that if we discussed it that things would change....or that over time the intensity would wain. It hasn't. So I go between "this relationship needs to be over " when I think of all this to ...."maybe it'll get better" when I think of the fun we have when we are doing things together. Like I said this isn't easy.

Trying2 I totally get you. I vacationed this summer with NG and it was very pleasant, and there was some intimacy but we're in my view we're just not connecting on all levels. In his view he just wants to be with me because he loves me. He says love conquers all. I disagree if there are incompatible issues, someone is going to have to change and really I'm not sure I want to change , or change him. I want a match that is more natural. I'm struggling at the moment and yes it has to do with I don't think he's right for me but close) but i don't want to be alone and also because he is so in to me i don't know how to approach it........and I've been fluctuating back and forth for a while so who knows tomorrow I may feel different. This is not easy.

Hikermom, it's nice to hear from you and to hear your reflection on what is going on at 5 years. I remember you well from the earlier times on this and the old board. I'm at 4 1/2 years,so not far behind. I think your analyse is very similar to the way I feel functioning is easier but in a way that signals another loss.

All of this thread makes so much sense..iincluding the conflicting feelings. the yes and the no at the same time. With regard to the original post my sons were 16 and 18 when I first stared dating. My progress into dating was that I first got involved in some group activities through meetups. Me going out at all at night was a change in routine for me and my guys ,in marriage I had been a homebody or out on family activities. After going to a number of group activities,one of the guys in the group asked me out on a date. I didn't tell my sons at the point ( it was only 8 months in). I would tell them I was going to one of the meetups. After a couple of months when I was feeling comfortable with dating, I told my boys that one of the guys had asked me out. Older one basically said "that's cool, it's only natural, enjoy". Younger one said "that's fine just leave me out of it." So JUSTLOLA I would say a similar response to your son's response. That was 4 years ago. I dated that guy on and off for 3 years and my son was fine with it as long as I left him out of it. After a year solo I am now dating again. My boys seem to have the same reactions this time round. Now if i can only figure out what I really want in life.

Oooh I think I'm having a companionship vs committment problem. I don't know what I want or need. The guy I'm seeing has a business that runs itself. He's used a house with teens being around and with his divorce now lives on his own. He's lonely ,in the i can't stand being in my house alone, lonely. I feel that's why he's in hurry to "commit" , to recouple. I on the other hand ,similar to you trying2, I have kids, household duties and a full time job. I want companionship and I think I want to move toward a life together but I'm not in a rush. I had a really good time on the holiday we went on but I was quite happy to get home and get some me, alone time.........I don't know what that says about what I'm thinkng about this relationship. Sometimes I think I hold back because he is trying to move forward too quickly and I'm trying to find a balance, Sometimes I think I'm holding back because on some level it is not right ..... damn this dating stuff is confusing.

ok photobucket is not playing nice how else can you post pictures here?

Haha I'm laughing, my guy is a farmer/business man. He quite often uses the analogy of planting the seed and watering it with regards to ideas. With regards to love and life he is always full speed ahead......he works in greenhouses so from seeding to harvesting is 15 days.... I think that's how he views our life as well......I just have to keep reminding him I' not in the greenhouse my love grows slowly and I'm trying to establish whether the soil is good and I can establish my self with good roots and feel secure. see you can carry this analogy a long way.

I hate paperwork and all the name changeovers take paperwork so I do as little as possible......only when a company forces me to will I bother, and even then I fight them. The latest was when I had to renew a mortgage. The bank said I needed to change over the deed and to reapply for a new mortgage under my own name. I replied that my lawyer had told me that I didn't need to change the deed until I sell. I said I believed the lawyer more then them. And then I continued and said if they had any doubt whether I could handle the mortgage payments on my own that they should look through their records for the last 4 years because that's how long I'd been doing it! They still said I needed to change things...I said to the lovely mortgage lady , lets try to put the application through as is,with both names still there and to maybe add a note of explanation. Guess what it went through. An apology to any of you that work at this type of work I am the thorn in your side type of client(but I'm never angry or belligerent, just a little pouty and sarcastic)

NNG yeah sooner or later I'll get this all figured out. Happy at the moment though.

p

ok tomorrow I'm heading out for a 3 week vacation with NG. The itinerary is exciting but my feelings are mixed.....I feel like this will be a big test of long term compatibility. As I mentioned before he has a hard time giving me space, here there will be no space.....hmmmmm.....well we'll see.

I understand the putting significant other in a holding pattern when you are dealing with your children. I quite often do it and my boys are older. My younger one is depressed an he is the one that will have me put NG on the back burner while I deal with him. I try and balance things and hope that is good enough. Since my sons are older, whoever I am with will not be coparenting them. I never picture a true blending situation. I see NG's role as supporting me as I parent them. I do not know the age of the children involved in your case but if they are younger I would think you would change the expectation and the younger they are the more I would expect to be included.

I have only had support and encouragement........and yet I still worry. Good luck with this ...emotions are tricky things to navigate.

oddly enough I never say Late husband...I say husband. I had someone fill that in for me in a three way conversation once....as in I said my husband and the one lady said "her late husband...."as if i needed to designate.... ....maybe I should think about this....but honestly I don't have another husband at the moment...and if I did would I have to refer to him as my present day alive husband???

ok writing out my thoughts here to see if anything becomes clearer. I met NG in January. He loved me immediately. I on the other hand have been very cautious with my heart. I'm a thinker, not one to jump into emotions quickly. I've had moments when I definitley love him but then they sometimes fade as well , so it's not 100%. Which brings up my first question ....at this age ( I'm in my 50's) can we fall head over heels in love or is it more a practical love? Second point, sort of related to the first, because he is so in love he would be happy spending every free moment with me. He's a boss of a small business which basically runs itself so he has a lot of free time. I work 5 days a week and when the weekend rolls around, i was used to just puttering around , you know doing laundry, clean house , half watch a movie while I play on the computer, doing my gardening. But now I'm missing that because as soon as the weekend rolls around he has plans for us....don't get me wrong they are fun plans and it's nice but I miss my me time. I've tried to explain it, but he doesn't get it because he hates to be by himself. Even during the week when I'm working he is never just at home...he has a number of friends who he goes and hangs out with. I don't think he is capable of hanging out alone. So I don't think he gets that I almost need to do that every once in a while. Related to this he is also horrible at saying goodnight....and it kinda leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. Example : last night we go out , have a great evening, ,it's 11:30( not real late but I'm ready for bed) and we arrive in my driveway and I'm totally ready to just give him a goodnight kiss , see you tomorrow type thing and he's clinging....he wants to come in....I say for what reason, my boys( young men) are in the house watching tv etc, it's not like we can come in and have some romantic ending to the night plus I'm done for the night. He was not, he never is, there has not been one goodbye that just felt relaxed...it's always me saying OK I really have to go now.... So on one hand it does feel nice that he loves me on the other hand I have to figure out how to navigate this neediness of his.......especially since I'm a teacher and soon will have the summer off which I'm sure from his point means I will be available to hang out 100% of the time...... Any suggestions would be appreciated.....

I don't share struggles because I'm pretty strong and that has not been my underlying need. ......But I do share my life dealing with my kids probably more then I used to basically because I don't have partner. I need to share the ups and downs I'm having . Luckily for me I have colleagues who care and listen to me, advice me and celebrate with me. The part I don't share is my journey to recouple( ok it's not a secret but I don't devulge detailed thoughts). I never was a sharer in this department.

ms his last name ...same as my children's....I like it. never ever thought that changing my last name meant that he owned me.(i wouldn't have liked that thought at all)..the name change to me just said that we chose to be bonded together

MrsDan I would think he was aware of the family presence. I went to a festival and met NG's 21yr old daughter for the first time and even with him being divorced not widowed I was more concsious of the PDA and let him be the lead.

wow congratulations ...so exciting! Enjoy!

wow some of these stories are crazy....yeah I don't think I'd want to meet someone that told me what top to wear for our first date . crazy!! I didn't get an immediate send off but I once had a very brief coffee date.....I think he might have burnt his mouth trying to finish his coffee so fast. I was angry but also a little mystified with what he was thinking. Visually, I'm no 10........but let's put me at a 7.....he (in my opinion was ) was like a 4. So if anybody should have been running it should have been me...........but I like to give people a chance. Heck the guy I'm seeing at the moment had bad teeth, was even missing his two eye teeth when I met him( he did mention quite quickly he was getting work done for dentures) but if I went on looks alone , I would have been outta there.Ps he now has a beautiful smile