klim

Gift giving and getting has been a tricky one for me and my NG as well. Part of it is different upbringing He grew up in Holland. In Holland apparently Birthdays are big events, me not so much. Christmas has always involved gift giving for me and in Holland is much more downplayed, with and gifts being given on the 5th and not the 25th. Finances also play a roll. He will spend easlly and often spend more then I think he should. but then again I don't think it is my place to tell him how to spend his money( mind you I can't help myself half the time ) I won't speng nearly as much. It was weird for Christmas he said he didn't know what to get me but wanted to get me something nice to wear for a holiday we were planning. So he took me shopping.....the cute thing is that is what my dad always did for my mom.

I actually went on a valentine outing to paintball a couple of years back with a meetup group. I thought it was great , lots of lonley people on valentines day that needed to get out and do something

Arneal I think your valentine is to have the guy, that until a shortwhile ago you didn't even refer to as boyfriend, moving in with you. That sounds like a valentine connection to me.

Why are you are creeped out exactly , I agree it's strange/ different( not many people would find themselves in these exact circumstances) but I don't necessarily think it's creepy......you are both widowed and there is some comfort in knowing each other for a long time maybe that is what he is thinking. Of course you totally should be heard and your opinion should be honoured by your brotherinlaw. Just thought I'd add a different point of view.

Valentines day.... Last year I had only been dating for a little over a month. NG treated me very nicely taking me out to one of the top restaurants in the city.....and as we know those restaurants up the price for Valentines day alot!!! I totally appreciated but admittedly my personality and upbringing made me think what a waste of money.......so I'm in charge this year. I'm going to cook a fancy dinner for him...I told him he is in charge of flowers. PS. We still go out for fancy dinners, I just thought it would be smart( economically) to avoid Valentines day.

Oh Virgo that's tough. If you are like me, you try and consider all peoples needs, your's, NG's and your kids. I find it one of the hardest things to do to find the right balance and whenever there's an emotional time it is accented. Christmas was a blowout for my 19 yr old as I didn't seem to find the right balance of alone time and blended time. ( mind you,I think there was more then just that going on in his world that caused the blowout) Anyways I hope things settle down on your home front

Understandibly a weepy time, especially since you've had a change in routine from past years, with your children choosing to work.( A recognition that they are getting to a place that is considered their new normal?) Take care of yourself and yes recognize the idea that you are a bit vunerable right now. Enjoy your road trip.

I must admit I don't get all the vengeful hateful attitudes that are attached to some divorces. I have friends whose divorces are as I see they should be....an end to something that didn't work. And yes I can see there can be disappointment and hurt involved but the hate part that just keeps on going can't be good for anyone. I know 4 divorcees well enough to know their dynamics One, whose husband cheated on her with a younger women, now coparents and works on the upbringing of their kids quite amicably. She's just reasonable. Life goes on.... Another who was basically emotionally maltreated.....now fully realizes how bad it was and hates her ex, but still coparents with grace. The third just fell out of love so they moved apart but still get together to celebrate major family events( graduation and even sometime over christmas they will get together) Their kids are older. The last has the hate thing going on big time , no communication , every thing handled through lawyers .....How do people get this angry!!! Anyways , guess I'm just saying sorry you have to deal with this.

Hey everybody, just read through and caught up on what's up and all of a sudden I feel more normal again. Just past the 1 year mark with NG and the up-down, yes- no feeling I get continue and I think intensified as the 1 year mark approached. It was kinda like , if I'm still having some issues and it's one year maybe this isn't a match made in heavenand I should exit and try again. But alternatively i was acknowledging it is pretty darn good and maybe perfect is not realistic. As i mentioned definitely a period of flipflopping.

That's sad. Strength to you...

Flown a few places with them ( to spread in different locations) and have never been questioned. The only thing I would advice is find a box or a bag for them, not a tin. I'm not sure who gave me that advice but i guess it was for during x-rays/ metal detectors it wouldn't set off a red flag.

ok reading through everybody's scenerios is making me feel like the complexities of this time of year that I am feeling are normal in our abnormal situations. i thought I'd figured out what would work for me but I know it doesn't feel perfect for BF Christmas eve BF and I have CHristmas....but I go home to sleep Christmas morning I have time with my Boys( young men) alone..stockings.. presents CHristmas dinner BF , sons and I head to my sisters for large family gathering. BF has no family obligation, his parents and siblings are overseas and his relationship with his kids is not smooth. So he will be lonely Christmas night/morning but I still feel a need to have some private time with my guys. Is that ok...opinions please?

Ok I'm the opposite and very similar to what you are describing is wrong with your guys..... And again this could relate to where we are in life.... I need time with my boys alone,without NG, and I encourage NG to take time with his kids. My boys need to be able to talk freely, something they will not do with NG around....and I suspect that would be true with his kids as well. I mentioned last week we had a night where everyone was together for an extended period of time. It was ok....and I'm trying to see if I can get used to it but seriously I would have rather had time with my boys and then time with NG. Perhaps because they are older and don't depend on me for much, when they need me I want to be there for them. They are old enough that any partner I have, will not join me in co-parenting. I am their only parent. I would like NG to supoort me while I support them.That is what I hope for. I will prioritize their needs over his.....although I try and balance it all but they lost their dad, they are young adults that are trying to figure out life and he is a grown adult who should be capable of realizing that my kids are my priority. "And I will no longer be with a man unless he is with me in every way. Yes, life is busy and hectic and all that. BUT, you know when a man wants to be with you, finds a way to be with you and makes you feel secure in the relationship. Period". If a man was prioritizing me over the needs of his children I would not be impressed. I do not need to be first and formost in everything. I need to be shown love but I'm also an independent person that doesn't constantly need attention. I won't put up with being pushed aside completely but TYBEC from all of your descriptions of what you do together and his offering to have you and your son join him on the weekend it doesn't sound like he is pushing you aside. I'm not sure what my point is except I know I'm into my guy but he is not always #1....but I also I work hard at providing what he needs so that he feels loved. I've told him that's the way it's got to be and if he can't handle sharing me then it's not going to work....and so far we're still together. Tybec I wish you clarity to see what's right for you. Nothing in these new relationships is straight forward.

I'm 55 , my sons are 19 and 21 and go away to Uni but still basically live here. So when they are away I have the house to myself and then when they're home we share the space.....and yes my interactions with NG change depending on whose home. Younger son struggles with anxiety and depression , so I'm especially sensitive to his moods. I'm dating a younger man ( he's 53 )lol....he has 5 kids from his 30 year marriage ranging from 16 to 27. None of them live with him. And yes I believe where we are in life and who we have to look after or deal with totally figures in to how we move forward...as does our personalities.

virgo, I'm perhaps overly patient but if you have a good time with this guy I would see if this overwhelmed stage fades as he adjusts to the dating mode. Meanwhile on my homefront..... My sons were born on Dec 10 and Dec 12th, so it was their Birthday weekend. They are both away at University but I went and collected them so we could have a family dinner. I had told NG that I was going to be doing birthday with my boys ,sort of gave him a warning because he is ( as mentioned previously) a little clingy and "the weekends are our time" On friday older son told me his girlfriend wanted to join in for the dinner,so I said cool and then decided if that was he case, I would ask NG to join as well. He got them both gifts and we had a nice dinner out all together. The real interesting part of the weekend was Sat night after we got back home sfter the dinner . Sons were both home, Sons girlfriend stayed over and I decided NG could stay too. it was very weird. There were 5 people staying over .....usually I'm by myself.In the morning everyone was milling around , getting coffee and tea. it was just strange. It felt awkward and yet verging on Ok. I'm trying not to overthink things and just let things happen but some times that is difficult. ps I was feeling pretty good about NG this week as I crashed my car last sunday,(brakes on the highway appear very suddenly .....my reaction time not so good) I was totally ok my car not so much. Anyways he came and rescued me and has lent me a car for the time being.....See he may be clingy but his heart is in a good place

Yes so many reminders....and yes it seems quiet....because something ....someone is missing. The strangest for me were when things happened when I was out and about and I thought "oh I should tell Mike about this when I get home".......yeah that wasn't going to happen . So that was the longest lasting , something missing feeling,that I had to get used too. This site was good for me. It made me feel normal.

Arneal each to their own and everybody at their own pace but I'm rooting for you to have an "Us "conversation. Go Arneal go!!

Loveme's like a mailorder bride site isn't it? I would be very skeptical.

I was taught to never say never ...except maybe in the positive sense of Never give up! I did say I probably won't need any of my sexy lingerie.... I thought who would ever find me sexy other than my LH. Threw them all out....could use some of those now! oooops!!

yeah I'd add to the just be patient and don't expect it to be instant success.... Respond ...don't respond...that's your choice . If they strike you as weird don't talk with them. If you're not sure, have a conversation, just don't share all your private details. I tried different types of profiles. Short and witty, long and detailed. I don't know that I really noticed a big difference in the caliber of guys that responded. Still got weirdos with both. So I doubt it's your profile.....hey you can always test it by changng it.....

Grief takes many forms, anger can be part of it. An uncomfortable part of it, but a part of it. So in a way you are grieving. You're are thinking and analyzing and all of that is helping you process his death. Hoping and wishng that your mind will wrap around this event and move away from the anger and allow you progress towards healing.

About posting pictures..... I don't post all that often on facebook, but even when I do I don't post together pictures.......and yet I'm in a good relationship at the moment. Previously I was in another relationship for 3 years( which was pretty good for most of the time)....and only posted a together picture twice over that whole time. My reasons were that I was sensitive that pictures of me with my NG would be a painful reminder of loss for a lot of people( my inlaws, my sons) . The first new guy said he didn't post because he was sensitive to his ex and in a way I liked that becaus it showed he was a sensitive guy. Also, I must say when my cousins ex started posting new relationship pics I thought it was a little disrespectful to my cousin. I know their old relationship was over but when there is captions like "the best thing that ever happened to me"...., it's like salt in a wound. So I don't know the reasons your BF doesn't post but I actually respect some of the reasons for not posting.

I'm writing here because my son doesn't have his dad. He's 19. His dad died when he was 15. I've helped him as he struggled and still struggles with depression. He finished highschool in a daze. He attempted to go away to university and did't leave his dorm room for 3 weeks, surviving off of noodle bowls and midnight runs to the vending machine because he couldn't handle facing new people. Needless to say that wasn't going to work so he came home and hibernated in the basement, finally reconnecting with some highschool friends in the spring and summer. He went away to a different university the next fall, closer to home so that if need be I could come rescue him and give him a respit at home. He used that a little but basically managed things better although he did still hole up in his room in Res a lot and the vending machines were still a main source of food. He's now in second year, in his own basement apartment, shops at the grocery store and is managing. It's not all good, he still wears alot of anxiety and fights depression with mood enhancers( which then make him worry if he is his true self and whether he is addicted) Anyway the reason I am writing this out here is twofold. I went to see him on the weekend and he shared a poem he had written for one of his second year english courses......it was about his Dad. It was amazing! So I'm proud ....and sad. And I wanted to tell somebody! The other reason to share is it's been a difficult journey but one that at least at the moment is heading the right direction...and positive stories are always good right!?!

I had/have some of those trust problems. Some of it I think comes from the unfamiliarity with dating in the new world and also so often everybody will comment on the scammers, the two timers and the cheaters because bad news gets attention. So your're already looking for the suspicious activity. I try and remind myself there's a whole bunch of guys out there that are just like us ladies trying to make a new connection. Anther thing I've had to fight so that I can enjoy my relationships is self confidence. i doubt they can like me as much as they say and therefore look for the second motive. It was true in my relationship with my husband too, so it's a life long thing that tends to ebb and flow but it does come into trusting that the relationship is real and good. Anyways glad you're back on the "this is fun" track. Enjoy!

I've got inlaws galore. My LH had 10 brothers and sisters. I still hang out with them and call them inlaws. I do a really lousy job of using the term late husband... I guess I confuse some people. Maybe it will change if I have present husband and a late husband but right at the moment I've only had one husband so guess in my mind I don't need an adjective to clarify which husband I'm talking about.