klim

Haha My guy is also Dutch.......and he definitely doesn't have the tidiness or decorator gene in him. But he does run a greenhhouse so he's keeping up dutch traditions in some way.

hey guys hadn't been on in a while ...life gets busy. ...I think i just spent 20 minutes reading to get caught up. 😁 Trying2 your holiday sounds good...I think holidaying together is a great way to get to know people. two weeks of togetherness can be very telling... I laughed at the different descriptions of the state of your guys places. My NG's place when I first met him was half painted, had a couch and a table. He had tidied up dishes but wiping down counters did not occur to him. After a couple of visits a very nice decorative side table and some pretty lights appeared. I found out later his 23 yo daughter had visited him and told him that if he wanted to impress me he should work on making his house more appealing. Wiping down counters still didn't occur to him. He is a horrible housekeeper and the bad thing was he had all sorts of people in his life that were enabling him. ( ie every time his neighbour or daughter dropped in they would load up the dishwasher or whatever) Now I am bit bold and after I knew him better I started to tease/tell him he was a horrible housekeeper.....and I started telling his neighbours etc not to lift a finger when they were visiting....forcing him to do the cleanup more regularly....you know what he's getting better😀. He even wipes up the coffee spills off the counter sometimes.

I agree it's the midlife complexities that make the ideal lovelife difficult "But wouldn't it be amazing to find that person, where we couldn't imagine not spending every day of our life with them!" It's simpler when it is just two people...when there are 4 or 5 people in the mix it's hard to get everybody imagining spending all day together never mind everyday...even if two in the group are fairly infatuated with each other!

Vent away......it always feels better. Did I mention I got home from work today, exhausted .......and my son announced" bad news mom, the ceiling was dripping after the rain this morning.".....so the roof is leaking, great...I'll join Eddiehp and just hire someone with my millions of dollars....might as well hire a chaufuer to take over my mom taxi duties while I'm at it. ok feeling better , see venting works😉

I fall very much into a similar category. My Boys were 15 and 17 and now are 20 and 22.I took them the rest of the way through to "adulthood" by myself. They haven't really mastered the independant thing, but we're trying so the nest is not truly empty but getting there. I too have done what Port side mentioned and that is to re-engineer my life. I still struggle with balance between old and new but I'm trying. The one thing I was careful of was to make sure that my sons knew I wasn't relying on them for companionship, that they needed to soar on their own and not worry about mom. I've seen some ( particularily one) divorced friend that I think relied too heavily on her daughter and to me it was unhealthy. I want my sons to know I'm there for them but that I'm looking after my own needs as well...and my own needs involve socializing outside of family outings and work functions. I initially relied on Meetups but from there I now have a core group of friends and also a boyfriend. The future is not clear yet but my fear of growing old alone has faded.

well life is tricky eh.....I don't know exactly where it's heading. I mentioned before that I'm sort of living in two homes. It's kinda interesting the way it's working out.( mind you we're only 2 weeks in. I'm at my place Sunday night through till Friday when I head to my weekend house right after work,plus Bf and I get together for a date night some time during the week. BF tried to make it twice during the week but I told him I need some space. It's true , when he gives me a bit of "me time" I can appreciate our together times better. If we're constantly together I feel I'm neglecting my kids and my house and then I feel anxious. I've been trying to analyse what the draw is to NG and make sure that it's the right stuff to make a life long relationship. Arneal maybe those books have some advice on that.... I can have a very good time with NG, he is spontaneous and has a go for it, positive attitude. I was actually telling him today that part of his personality is similar to DH...although they are definitely different people. With NG as with DH this attitude leads to a lot of adventure. Obviously I'm drawn to that. What I worry about is that NG is definitely ADHD and has some quirks and that all takes energy to handle....in a way I'm worried if I'm with him full time I'll burn out...if that makes sense......that the quirks won't be amusing but irritating and the constant need to go will be exhausting....or the need for me to reign him in and set the pace( which is what I do now) will wear me down........oh the things we end up thinking about. Maybe I'll just go back to not thinking and going with the flow. Oh and on the topic of sharing with friends to get their opinion, I shared my thought about the ADHD and quirks with a friend and she reminded me that I'm fairly high energy and not exactly normal.......Thanks alot!!! Actually she's a good friend and she probably was being honest...it's always good to know how others view you.🤩

Hugs...weird life we live eh?!?

my first" couch " in our apartment livingroom was lawnchairs with a blanket thrown over it😄

This week Ng has been in my house basically full time as he had to move out of his house and the house he's moving into is not available for another 2 weeks. The trick is both my sons are home from Uni at the moment too. It works but it's not relaxed. My boys stay in their room more and don't converse with me as much, Ng sits on the couch alot as I go about everyday things...it's not like I need help with dishes or what ever, but it just seems odd. That's all I have to say. It's just an ODD situation. ....and I'm looking forward to him moving to his place,so we can relax in a neutral zone.

I'm trying the pick a direction and see how it goes and it is scary.... I don't know what I want,I'm not good at self analysing.....but when I go with the flow, I notice I get gut reactions to certain situations and use those as my guide. So I can't think ahead and plan my route but as I'm floating down the stream of life, I notice every once in a while I stick my hand n the water and paddle towards or away from something. I have a NG in my life and he is way ahead of me on the let's get together plan. Sometimes I just let him guide us and I sort of try it on and see how it feels. Alot of times it's not as scary as I thought it would be but just lately he was working on the theory that he would move in to my family home.....That had a definite answer...love you but NO. So I've picked a direction to see how it goes and done things that I haven't thought I was ready for but also trust my gut when the emotions are strong. Tricky stuff this figuring out a new plan. Good luck

Oh my goodness this is a timely post. I was coming online feeling I needed to hash out this same type of thing with my relationship.I don't know what I want for my future I'm not good at self analysing. I think I'm in love with him, He's fun and caring, and we have a great time together. I've been trying very hard to go with the flow because I think my natural tendancy is to be too over cautious and the relationship would never develop. Often the hesitenency has to do with how it will affect my children( young adults but not independent, still living with me, going to school etc) Case in point... 8months back I would have been happy sending him home to sleep after our midweek dates because let's be practical, we were just going to sleep and get up for work. He wanted to stay...so I let him. See I was trying to let things progress and it became ok. ( but I know my sons feel more free around the house when he is not here) Fast forward to this past month. He is working through a complicated divorce....a new business, an old business, questionable ownership,some debt and a spouse that won't talk except through lawyers. I tell you if I loved him only for his money I'd be hitailing it because this mess may leave him with nothing. I'm financialy sound so not worried about the money but what I found myself lamenting is that I'd started being able to envision myself joining him at his place(farm) and it was beginning to feel comfortable. Now all of a sudden he cannot even live on the property while things are being settled.and it may be gone permenantly after the dust settles. He assumed he would basically be able to move in with me. That doesn't feel comfortable. The thing is at my house I am not just girlfriend/partner , I'm mom. It's a whole different dynamic. When we are at his house I'm his partner. It's like I have 2 lives and they will not blend easily. In other words I have no problem being with him but not in my house......because it's my boys house too. His finances are obviously questionable right now so where was he supposed to go?I felt cruel telling him he couldn't live with me full time. So then he was debating renting a room from some friends for a few nights a week and then some night at my place. Yikes I thought When do we get the relaxed "our time" in that situation.My answer to this dillema,, I financed the buying of another house by using a home equity loan. I'm buying a house that he can rent from me. I'll have to put in a couple of hundred a month as well. Why did I do it.?Because I need a place where we can be us and it can't happen at my place.... I think this will have to my existance for a while. I live two places.

I appreciated any attempt at condolences, but my most appreciated comment during those first couple of days was not the caring "i'm so sorry, you poor dear "comments but my one friend who's first words out of her mouth when she saw me were "FUck....seriously what the fuck??" .First of all she never swears so it added to the impact and honestly it was what I was feeling, so I appreciated it.

that's like when fecebook reminds me of his birthday and tells me how old he's turning......yeah ...no😞

I was just complaining about something similar. All the correspondence from my house/auto insurance comes addressed to Sandy Lastname and estate of Michael Lastname. So they are acknowledging he is dead but what?? they like to remind me??? Frustrating!!!

and I forgot......until now ....facebook reminded me. i looked up at his picture and apologized for doing it again. You see I had bad reputation for forgetting dates when he was alive too. Realistically i think my forgetful mind or my being caught up in the present has helped me on this journey. Dates don't weigh heavy on me, we were't good at celebrating things....birthdays, aninversaries meant little. By the way my our wedding annivesary is tomorrow....see I can remember when I try 😊 Anyways made me think am I forgetting him. I am moving on in life but what else can you do. He was my first love , the father of my children. He will be with me always in some way.

Trying2 your comment about transitioning to have him around all the tine got me thinking..... I share my house with my boys 20 and 22 , I love going to NG's house cause he lives alone and we can do what ever we want. Here I feel more like I'm hosting him and it's just more formal. I'm trying to relax into it and make it feel casual because I want to be able to spend more time here. I find when I go to his place all the time, I neglect things at my house, like the gardens and general cleaning. But then there is also the point that my boys don't interact with me very much when he is here , they wait till I'm here on my own. Anyway struggling with the balance as always....

so just have to put this somewhere: My husband died suddenly of a heart attack even though he lead a very healthy lifestyle. NG is not as health conscience but seems strong and reasonably fit. Last weekend we were camping and doing some hiking and he was huffing and puffing when we went up hills .So I was of course telling him that he was out of shape and that he better start working out. On wednesady we were out just doing errands and hadn't really walked far at all and he was again huffing. This time I was more sympathetic and I said somethings not right, that he should go to the doctor. I nagged him a little but didn't follow up. So friday I arrive at his place after work and he tells me how he was driving early in the day when his chest just totally seized up in excruciating pain, that he had to pull over and that it lasted 20 min. I made him go to emergency. Diagnosis he had suffered a small heartattack caused by major blood clots in his lungs. His mother died from blood clots that went to her heart. Apparently blood clots can be hereditary . The doctors said it was quite severe. He was treated with blood thinners and he's ok for now but still needs to recover. He's had to put up with alot of I told you so's because I had told him the breathing thing wasn't right and to get it checked out. Anyways no great point to this except wow how do I run into healthy guys who have heart attacks when they are barely 50??/

That is beautiful. Congratulations

This is my therapy

My younger son has a gap in his front teeth, just like his dad. My son had braces and his teeth were perfect but in the 6 years since those came off the gap has appeared. The funny thing is my son always bugged his Dad about the gap and always pushed him to get it fixed. Now that he has the gap, I've heard nothing about getting it fixed. I wonder if he likes looking like his dad?

I too feel an uncertainty...Trying2 your statement"The ability to be closer with him and my acceptance of us together." struck a chord for me. I'm happy being with him on dates, vacationing, doing errands , really doesn't matter I feel good doing it......but I also feel a need to be apart sometimes, to take care of my kids, my house, my stuff...so the acceptance of us together seems to be a thing. Also I've always been really slow to adjust to change....I think I fear it. I've lived in the same house for 28 yrs , had the same job/same location for 30 years. And obviously I didn't have a choice about becoming a single parent but now I'm also facing a whole bunch of change in the near future and it flusters me. 1.My kids are going to be finished university soon( one already has), 2.I can retire as soon I say the word then 3.and NG would have me move in when ever,( keeps threatening me with marriage😲) I find these things intertwined and it's like if I know my sons are ready to be independant then 2 and 3 become easier....but can I wait or do I have to figure out some other way. Also I feel I can't act on #2 because if i do it makes me more available for 3 and I don't know about that till 1 has happened .....you see it's a circle. Or maybe I just overthink things.( sometimes I do just let things happen but usually I analyze the crap out of it)

Oh I get the age lying on the dating sites...didn't do it but can understand it. Some guys that I was interested in, put restrictions on who could contact them by age. I was looking for someone around my age and I couldn't contact them because they put a lower age. I was a bit frustrated( although maybe it told me a little about their personality that they were seeking younger), I'm active and young looking but was stopped in my tracks by the age restrictions. i tried to tell myself their loss, but was frustrated. I thought it was generally guys looking for younger girls but maybe it goes both ways and maybe he felt like he had been blocked and adjusted his age. I agree with LF". If you want to continue to see him I would ask point blank why he did it and then judge if his answer is good enough to let you keep seeing him." I am actually dating a fellow that lied about his location by about 80 km but he told me within 10 minutes of meeting and explained why. His actual location is very rural/farmville and definitely would have left me with an impression that isn't him at all. Anyway If the interaction was good I'd wait a little to pass judgement

Thankyou this seems like a lot of work and I appreciate it.

SamNE In my opinion- You want to be husband and wife....then be husband and wife.Even if it's just in your own minds. If it's not registered who needs to know. Note I am not religious and don't give that alot of significance, 1. Is such a marriage deceitful or our own business?- own business 2. Can we call each other husband and wife, or should that be reserved for the legally married?-sure why not they are just words 3. Would you as a child, friend or relative of a couple doing this attend the wedding or feel duped if you found out it wasn’t a legal wedding? All would be good but if your worried just call it a ceremony of love 4. Does anyone have any experience with having done this? No 5. If we opt for a commitment/unity/hand fasting ceremony instead of a wedding, is he your husband/she your wife?sure why not they are just words 6. What do you call one another signifying your relationship if there is no ceremony but you are together, committed and in love? whatever you want