klim

I haven't shared space in a cohabitting way but Any pictures that were up and about before he passed away are still up and about......they are mostly some cool vacationing pics.....not engagement/wedding or portrait type things. My boys still live here it is our house and I'm not about to eradicate the picture memories. When I was previously dating a divorced fellow I actually found it weird when he had no photos of his past life around.......i met his ex , knew his kids....IDK

Realistically I expect they know the reality, they know the facts. I've approached it as I'm not going to inf orm you over and over again about the stats but I'm going to remind you over and over to be safe. And I made it easy by buying condoms that were kept in a bathroom. Now my boys were not very social so this did not really surface till they were a bit older.

Teacher here as well....but my kids were older. Yes without the structure of job and school, there was a certain need to keep busy. I didn't seem to have trouble with it,it seemed right. I don't think I would have done it differently, I think that busyness carried me through. I planned extra trips, did extra visit with friends, I worked at staying busy...........do what feels right. Good luck getting through another first.

I agree , I think that's why I also have been resistant....just it ups the interdependance one more level.....

I'm still having trouble accepting help... NG wants to help me, make my life easier, make life less stressful......this sounds wonderful doesn't it!?.........Then why am I having difficulty with it? I work full time, my 19 yr old son lives with me and deals with anxiety and depression , and so I deal with him. I have a 1950's bungalow (lotsa maintenance) with a huge lot( lotsa yard work) and two cars that are over 10 years old (more maintenance).............ever since my husband passed away I have very much been the take charge , don't pity me, I got this type of person. I have taken pride in my ability to "handle things" NG wants to help :for example as I wrote in an earlier post he changed over my winter tires when I made mention I was going to need to do that. And the other day I mentioned that the maple trees were dropping all the keys on my deck, he arrived early for our date night and took the blower and tidied it up. I should be grateful but I was thinking "you don't have to do that I'm not incapable...." The latest thing is my one car had the check engine light on and I had made an appointment to take it in to the local mechanic just up the street. I mentioned that I hated going to the mechanic because I always feel like they see sucker written on my forehead when I head in and say" it's not working I don't know what's wrong". As soon as I said that he was making arrangements to trade cars with me , take my car back to his place and then arrange for his mechanic to look at it. So here I am driving a brand new expensive e car and he has my old one which is malfunctioning and could strand him.....and he's got the head ache of taking it in. I like this being looked after but it also makes me feel vulnerable....

God doesn't micro manage. You can't ask him to remove the pain of your hangnail and then when the pain goes away thank god for answering your prayers. It healed, through a natural process of science. You healed yourself. The way I see it is prayers are a way to meditate, to get humans through rough times, give them some hope when times are desperate, allow them to talk to someone when there seems like no one else around. Praying is a worthwhile endeavor when going through a tough time, but not because they will be "answered" but because they are therapeutic. PS I am not religious but I do see for some a need to have faith.

A lot of life now is surreal! Enjoy now ...and fondly remember the past.....sounds like a plan. hope it was a good getaway.

that's what beer and pub dance floors are for isn't it??

I pay very little attention to dates...I know I started dating early in January...that's all I know.....actually that's not true , it was a wednesday. I've had three relationships in my life, LH, 1st NG and now 2nd NG. Each have had a different background, Polish, German and now Dutch......so I have gained a smattering of each language. I took an inventory of the dutch words I can remember so far...I'm always asking how to say things ..... So far I know the words for "drink", "teacher" ,"kiss" and "wild" I'm not sure about what it says about this relationship but so far it's been fun.

I'm a shitdisturber....I just disregard stupid rules...from my vantage point, no need to get annoyed they can't conceivably think of every situation. I'm sure they meant no harm. I just do what I need to do....end of story.

only one song"in the arms of an angel" Sarah McLauchlin my niece sang it DH's memorial

this has been my therapy. My fellow wids have helped me with the worries that arose as I moved along on this journey. Helped me with the questions that arose...will my children be ok? was a big one. ...and is what I'm feeling normal. As I leveled out , this became a place to come to hear stories from others and to follow the progress of my friends ...yes I visited here to help keep me occupied on lonely evenings....... 4 yrrs out and I still come here regularily.

Arneal , somebody that thinks through things before responding sounds like a person that can be very reasonable...always a good sign in a partner...rash decisions can lead to trouble sometimes. So I wanted to share a development from this past week.....I accepted some help I have a second car that I only drive in the summer. I got it going about 2 weeks ago....but I was finding it slipping alot on rainy days. I took a quick look at the tires to see if I needed new ones and thought they looked Ok.....but was slipping so much that I asked NG to take a look. He said I should switch them. The next time he came to pick me up he asked me if I'd got them done and when I said no he said he was going to it right then and there before we went out. ........and I accepted. So I have my new set of tires on and thank goodness I do because the old ones were like slicks on the inner edge!.....I hate car maintenance...one of the practical things I miss about DH.

ok so it's not just my guy..theaters do that to people eh! And the snuggling in front of the kids( although I can hardly call mine kids anymore 19 and 21) and really they just walk through the living room on the way to the fridge but it is definitely taking some getting used to.

PDA public displays of affection.....how comfortable are you?? I am on a different part of the scale then my boyfriend and it makes it awkward some times..... if very comfortable is 1 and highly uncomfortable is 5 where do you fit for me it would go like this( when I first wrote this I wrote my numbers opposite from what i meant ....so real rating in brackets} walking holding hands 5 [1] walking arm around shoulder or waist 4 [2] peck on the cheek or lips 3.5 [2.5] staring into each others eyes 2 [4] really kissing 1 [5] Sitting on their lap or vice versa 0.5 I'm like this whether I think someone can see or not...... in otherwords if I were in the back row of a movie those numbers wouldn't change.

There was no plan.....my husband died suddenly and we had not ruminated on this subject...even cremation was up for debate I made the decision about cremation ......and my thought with the ashes was they would go to places we'd been and enjoyed and places we'd talked about going....he was always on the go and to me it seemed appropriate that he not have only one resting place. I had places in mind ....and I've done pretty good at getting them there.....thing is I feel like I'm running out of places but still have lots of ashes left....perhaps I will have to do a second visit to some places.

Young children obviously add a certain complexity but I'm having a little of the same feelings....that i don't want to share all of my life but I want to be part of a couple. Some times I just want to live apart and yet to be his(NG"s) girl forever....so that there is a future but that life as it is now is not too disrupted.

I am very bad at asking for help.......and very bad at receiving offered help... The"I can look after myself" attitude is very strong in me. I'm also very bad at being a recipient of perks.... NG is doing well financially ...not extra extra loaded but feeling very comfortable. He has taken me out for some very expensive dinners and my birthday present was way more costly then I would have expected as we had only been going out a couple of months. The thing is I like it on some level bit it also bothers me, as if he's trying to buy my love. Then I think it's just how he thinks...he's kinda a "go big or go home" type of guy in all things he does. He has a couple of nice new cars and I drive an 11 yr old minivan. He keeps telling me I can borrow his nice car any time......I always say no.... It's part of my,I can look after myself, attitude. Maybe it's time I tried letting that guard down a bit......

I'm having flip flop problems...and no I'm not talking about sandles. Sometimes I'm having a great time with my guy .....and sometimes his quirks bother me.......and since it's a new (4 month) relationship, I'm trying to decide whether I ride it out longer and see if the flipping and flopping subside ...or if I'm still flipping this far in...then it's not to be.... What to do ...what to do... One thing that makes this more difficult for me, is he has been "all in" right from the beginning.....I've been honest the whole time telling him I'm not sure....

Yes go with the flow seems like the only option. Thanks all for validating my thoughts. It's always nice to know I'm not alone in how I'm dealing with all this. It' good to know I'm normal! lol

That is wonderful news. yeah!!

oh Arneal , that sounds difficult......you are a more patient person then I. I'm having to adjust my communication expectations with my new guy.....he's not much of a texter. The way I like to date seems to be to see my guy once during the week and the a couple of times during the weekend. For me at the moment , that is enough face to face time. With work and tracking/dealing with my sons( they are older and don't really need taken care off but they're also not truly independant) and taking care of my house, that amount of time is just about perfect. The thing is I want to stay connected on days when I don't see him......just a how's your day?...etc. I would like to do this by text. Alas he doesn't pay attention to his phone or doesn't realize when I say goodmorning, that I'd like to hear back from him. I know it's a little thing but it's hard to adjust, in my last relationship I was getting that constant connection sometimes only a goodmorning and goodnight but usually some other little communication. I liked that ....I'm trying to adjust my expectation from new guy....but I'll admit I'm trying to change him into a texter too

My oldest graduated just 2 months after DH passed...it was bittersweet. proud he finished despite the disruption in his last year but obviously difficult. His younger brother graduated 2 years later but by then the emotions weren't as raw....but I still did feel my heart pulling. Good luck ...and your party idea sounds great ..I think I want to have one of those just for fun

Today is 4 years and I can be sad but rareley go there. I'm a happy person...that's who I am. What I struggle with mostly is not happy or sad but I used to know my life plan and ever since that fateful day, life is confusing! I hate confusing,

that's no fun