RobFTC

This happened a little over a month ago - Sept. 2.

Boy, that article is jaded. I met my fiance online, and met a number of other great women - while also having to stick-handle my way around some not-great women. I don't think I need to dwell on the woman who met me after dinner but showed up hungry, and then redirected a second date to a much more expensive place and made me feel like a meal ticket. Or the one who strung my along with daily convo on the dating site for weeks, said she liked me when we met, and then was unavailable. I can focus on the woman who's prettier on the inside, treats everyone well, and has never failed to be enjoyable to be with. I hope you all find your own unicorn out there. Rob T

Hi folks! Been awhile since I posted in this thread. Match.com put me in touch with this lady ... and we're engaged now, after an outdoor sunset proposal!

Hi folks, I have been holding out on you for awhile. I jumped into the "deeper waters" thing and proposed to the woman I have been dating for more than a year and a half. It's happening! We took this slow, waiting from October to March to say we were exclusive, and getting to know each other and each others' families over time. I was not fully sure until Christmas, which we spent with her family, and we all got along very well. On June 29, we went up to a scenic overlook with a blanket to watch the sunset, and I did the "ask". She was happy :-) Pic in the online dating thread. Take care, Rob T

I echo the request to make the Widowbago section public. People were great at the two big bagos and all of the mini-bagos I held. Take care, Rob T

A late reply here ... I don't think this is the worst thing, but I think it's a better idea for her to be up front about her disability. I know that for some, this would be a non-starter, but I would like a chance to factor this in - and I say that as someone who has dated a couple of women with disabilities. I think filtering out of idiots earlier might work better for her and lead to less awkwardness. But it's not a strategy I would have a problem with. Oh, and also - athletic and active is not contraindicated by being a wheelchair user. Unlike our regrettable president, I find the Paralympics fun to watch. My related experience was with a woman who had lost both legs below the knee to flesh-eating disease. She didn't disclose it on her dating profile, which is OK per the above. But even though we talked about her illness, she didn't tell me on our first date about that impact to her. I saw a news report about her story and her disability between dates, and we talked about it on our second date at my prompting. I had a problem with her not raising this herself, and ultimately did see some other issues in her personality that lead me not to pursue her. I don't need four working limbs as much as I need an open and honest soul. Take care, Rob T

I'm with rifatheroffour - if I select the hard-to-find "Unread content" link near the top, I get a list of updated topics, but I go to the first page of each topic and then have to go figure out where I had left off in the conversation. The site looks nice, but is much less usable for me due to this.

Maureen, I am so happy to hear this You will change lives with this work! Take care, Rob T

This sounds exactly right. I think continuing to see her is OK, with the proviso that it shouldn't be too often because you're not exclusive and need time to meet others. If you continue to have fun without expectations, something might develop, or one of your other prospects might capture your attention. Best of luck with it! Take care, Rob T

Hi Adley, I think you're conflating a few things, and I'm not sure my comments helped. Let's see: First, headlong-into-disaster isn't going to work for you any better now than it did when you were younger ;-), so no, you needn't do that. Mainly, slow down. Guys can find a good woman and be ready for it to be real in days, and that's just not good. Second, you want to make it clear what you're looking for without acting like the woman in front of you is the only possible person to supply it - you both need some time to "audition" and know how the "fit" goes. My main point was that acting like you Just Want A Friend will likely work way too well. When I was friendly and didn't know how to create sparks, I was hip-deep in friendly women who didn't see me as more. A good way to not get too attached is sometimes to date multiple women who interest you (which can also help you figure out what you want). If you are honest about things and aren't trying to sleep with multiple people, it's not that bad except for remembering who told you they didn't like beer or loved purple. So that spreadsheet could prove handy! :-) Third, online is just a way to make the initial connection - nothing happens until you're in front of the person and you can actually test check out your chemistry. Messaging and phone calls don't work as well (though a little of that is OK as a sanity check), so try to just get to a coffee date. If they don't feel right or don't respond to you the way you want, it's "oh well" and "next". If you are both interested, cool, but see my first point again about pace! Take care, Rob T

I'm sorry JeanGenie - no fun at all. This is crappy behaviour. I had a ghosting happen with a local widow - she had told me she loved me on our third date, and as we were setting up the fourth date, she vanished. I got a single "you will always be special to me" text I think two months later. It's a chicken-shit thing to do, and it hurt, but it was good in retrospect to know that was how she rolled. This guy might have had another relationship get serious and been too timid to say so, or just been freaked out (it does sound like things were moving fast). He could try to come back, either apologetically or as if nothing had happened, but I think it would be best for you to not be open to anything with him. The good news is that you know the equipment still works, and it sounds like you were paying attention to all of the right things. Once you get involved, it's going to sting if it doesn't go forward - that's just proof that you cared. One bad experience doesn't mean there aren't great people out there still, so when you've licked your wounds, do give it another try. I dated a lot before I met my current paramour, and I met a lot of great people and only a few dodgy ones, and I hope you do as well in future. Take care, Rob T

Just curious, why do you think this? That can be a good way to mess things up. You can either go down a "just friends" track, or you can act like you're not very interested in a relationship. I don't mean that you shouldn't like the person you're dating (you need to!), or that you should rush things in any way (lordy, so many men can do that!), but just that blunting the possibility of a romantic relationship isn't a great idea. I think you want to be open to possibilities, feel you have options, and not be committed to outcomes, but just experience things as they unfold. You'll meet some "Nope!" people and some people will "Nope!" you, but you will eventually find something good happening. Rob T

How long has it been? Seems really early to have a "define the relationship" discussion. Guys rush too much, headlong into failure. Keep your seat belt fastened, keep both hands on the wheel, and above all, don't exceed the speed limit! :-) Rob T

Hey TooSoon, I resonate with this. I can't for the life of me figure out why I thought I could work at a decent level without taking any real time off. Yes, getting back into a routine was good in a way, and the girls were back at school so it made some sense, but ... I really wasn't very capable for some time. And I tried to lead a major project, no wonder it went badly. I was glad to pay off the house, but I wish now I'd just picked up and moved back to Canada. I don't know where, exactly. But staying contributed to some difficult times. Things are better now, so I don't second guess that as often as I used to. And I wouldn't be in the relationship I am in now. One thing that I think made it all OK though, was that I was never unclear about loving music and I have taken that further than I ever had before. I'm pleased about enough in that regard to look kindly at my earlier stumbles and rough starts, funbles and finishes. Take care, Rob T

Sojourner, I am so sorry you're in this place again. I hope peace can attend your family. Take care, Rob T

Hugs, Maureen. The passage of time is still so non-linear and strange. Take care, Rob T

After I had a relationship end last year, I got together with a couple of women I had dated the year before and had a talk with them about it. I told them some of what I had been learning about myself and relationships, and they gave me an idea about what they had perceived at the time. It was helpful and positive. I remain friendly with them but not close. It was helpful to be able to learn a couple of things and have some of my theories about what had gone on confirmed, and I was glad they were gracious enough to do that. Take care, Rob T

Michelle took her last breath seven years ago today, which was a Sunday. I am wishing she was here to cuddle with the fresh snow chill in the air. It was 50F yesterday, so the snow is a sharp transition here. It's beautiful, I must say. Even more, I wish Michelle was here to help with the girls. They are both not doing what would be best for themselves in grade 11. For the easy daughter, what should be an A grade in music is an F because she missed a playing test and has not gotten it together to make it up with a VERY gracious teacher. The harder daughter is too often skipping classes, missing the bus, and letting us down at home. I keep trying new things, but my creativity is limited and I can't really tell if anything helps. I tried something else and hope to know if it matters later this week. I'm in a relationship, and it's good, but there's no indication that we're going to be integrated into each other's lives for some time yet. The bed is still empty and I am still parenting alone. It's good to have moral support and love, which is more than I used to have. The gap is front and center today, though. Take care, Rob T

I read it, and I hear you - and I'm sorry. It is a crappy time of year for me, too - I just dumped a lot of stress on my girls this evening, and I am ashamed and trying to figure out what I can do now. I hope you can get some peace. Take care, Rob T PS: I believe in therapy; it saved me once and eased my path several other times.

Certainly a fail of your earlier goal on both counts. Rob T

Michelle should have been 56 tomorrow. Thus starts my anniversary season, remembering that 7 years ago tomorrow was a fine Sunday to go see the fall colours and stop at a chocolate shop on the way home. Her last good trip out of the house, as the next and last would be the chemo visit that got turned into "I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do." I have a new relationship, and it's good, though it's still hard to tell if it's "IT". This will be the first anniversary season she will get to share with me. I guess how and how much I let her see is my test, and how she reacts is hers. She's had trials, but isn't a widow. Through a quirk of fate, all of my days - her birthday, her sadiversary five weeks from now, and our wedding anniversary eight weeks from now - are all on the same day. This year, it's Tuesdays. Take care, Rob T

Pushing me aside would have been completely fair. But some facts: Your hero is all the way up to 8 members. The old group he could have had for the asking had 135. Keeping 10% active through a transition would certainly have been easy. He did not send an invite to the existing group before it died, so he didn't keep anyone that way. If you do a Meetup group search for widows in my area, you find a little dotted rectangle saying that 35 people would be interested in a Young Widows and Widowers Meetup, from people who have expressed a need. He's not not hitting it out of the park by that measure, either. Finally, there's a group for older wids in the area that he attended and he said he felt shamed for being there. I know the folks there, and I call bullshit - they are a different demographic (mostly retired and do a lot more things on weekdays), but I have liked all of the people I met there. His choices and communications could have lead to better outcomes. You might have noticed that I wished I had done things differently as well, but I won't own it when he doesn't see a reason to renew his group in five months. You unleashed contempt without knowing much about the situation, which I am sure will get you far. Rob T

Hi folks, So, ages ago on the old board, some may remember that I held a couple of widowbagos (wid meetings). The first was in 2012, and I had the help of a Meetup group of which I was a member. The bago was load of fun, in part because of the mix of people from the board who showed up from far away (!) and locals from the Meetup group. In late 2013, the organizer abandoned the group and I rescued it, paying most of the dues myself over the years since then. I used it for the second bago in 2014, and again, it was a fun mix. I have been puttering with it since, not really meeting minimum expectations about what should be going on in such a group. Despite not messaging and organizing events, I have felt like I was doing too much - paying the bills, doing almost all of the meetup planning, being too much the focus instead of part of an ensemble cast. I've felt like I have worked well with anyone with an idea for a meetup, but people would mention ideas and then not follow through (I know, don't we all?). And I know that my needs for it are down from what they were even last year. Our last Meetup was in May, and we got a couple of new people show up. One of those new people messaged me privately about further meetups, which to be honest felt like, "Hey, why aren't you doing your job better?" Not his fault, but I reacted too much to how that felt, and I just didn't respond to him. (I know, no points for me there. I can be a jerk sometimes.) He never suggested he could help, or took his desire for meetups public. So the other day, he announces a new meetup group. It turns out he's paid the organizer fee; my group's fees come due in about a week. I wish I'd had a clue that he had some energy to do this, as I would have at least added him as a co-organizer to the existing group and helped him get stuff going, and likely named him as successor. Now, I feel like the best thing to do is to write a note to the group about supporting the new group and step down as organizer. Then we could see how many of the 142 members actually care, and see how they feel about the new guy. I don't know if I want to join or not - I'll have to be doing it more because I like the events than anything related to wanting to watch what happens. It's an interesting feeling. It feels like finally announcing the end of something everyone knew was done anyway. It will feel empty to not have that outlet when my anniversary season rolls around again. Take care, Rob T

oneoftwo, you have the harder case, doing it on behalf of him. I know it's hard to deal with Those Documents. I am the non-native, so I filed for their Canadian passports with just my documents. Does it help if you reflect that this is a final thing he can do for his son, but that he needs your help? Take care, Rob T

Bloody hell - narcissist much? I'm sorry your privacy was violated. Take care, Rob T