RobFTC

I had an interesting experience lately. Sarah got me interested in an offbeat comedy podcast (Welcome To Night Vale, in case there are other fans out there). It reminds me of the Firesign Theater, who were the first comedy group to use multi-tracking to create their albums. Anyway, the Night Vale cast was in Denver, and Sarah and I and a friend of hers went. Fun was had. That was all a giant non-sequitor. Relating to the actual subject line, on the drive Sarah's friend Jack was intrigued that I had a radio show (Celtic Journeys http://krfcfm.org, 2-4pm Mountain time on Sundays) and didn't have a clue what Celtic music was. So I opined that I could show him what I liked in three tracks. That felt a little pulled out of my nether regions, but it worked :-) So what music do you love? And can you give us a three-fer to demonstrate what you love about a genre, a band, a singer? Celtic in three: Irish tunes from Lunasa: Singer Mary Black: Scottish groove from Shooglenifty (RIP Angus): Take care, Rob T

Hi Wandasmom, My daughter was really resistant to seeing a counselor, due to a prior attempt failed due to a bad fit, but knew she was in trouble and wanted to get an antidepressant. I supported that, but had the opinion that unless she was talking to a counselor, it was going to be tough to get a script for an antidepressant. She's going when we can get in (booking is *SO* far ahead, it's tough), and it's hard to know if she's getting anything out of the sessions, but the rapport seems better. I wonder if you can highlight some of the edge behaviours that are a problem, and let him know that he's got to make progress somehow, and that if he's not able to do it alone, he's going to need to try your way. If you can talk to him well enough (and I know from experience how tough that can be), maybe you could brainstorm about what other things might work for him - self-help books, talking to mentors or friends, etc. No idea if these ideas could work for you, but wanted to share them. Take care, Rob T

Sugarbell, I bet he's doing some of what he's doing because her Mom is such a train-wreck, and he acts out his caring as a means of compensation. Her Mom would probably also freak out if he made his daughter do more for herself, and it might be pain avoidance. Thinking about his decisions this way might help. I agree, it's likely not for the best for her development of responsibility, but he is probably the one who has to figure that out and find a way to a different place. Take care, Rob T

It's nice in a way to be stuck and not have to face change, so give yourself a break for your stuck-ness. But you should take some steps about it. Baby steps are fine! The next time you are frustrated, use some of that energy to revise your resume. It's not a commitment to leave, just enabling the possibility. After that, apply for a job the next time you are aware of a good one. Again, it's not a commitment to leave. If you do get an interview, don't sell yourself cheap, do without good benefits, or put up with an insane commute. You know how hard it is to find good people, and you're a good people. But think creatively - if you could work from home more, might that balance a longer drive on your office days? I have not switched jobs much, but when I have, I approach new opportunities with an attitude of, "I think I can help you, but I don't need this particular job". (That's also been true for me, fortunately.) If I go in curious and relaxed and don't mind walking out the door if there's a problem, I do well. Take care and good luck, Rob T

Happy Canada Day! I celebrated by going on a bike ride in a pretty place (the Boulder Creek path). Missing being up there for the big day. Take care, Rob T

Hi folks, I've been holding out on you some I've been seeing someone since October, taking it deliberately slowly and letting things develop. We've been exclusive for awhile, and have been Facebook-official (lol!) for a couple of months. She's sharp and capable, has a good life on her own, treats people well, we talk very well together, and the hugs and kisses are awesome. We haven't tended to get together more than once a week, and so we haven't had the bandwidth to talk about some things. My birthday is coming up, and I knew I wanted to have a party at my place to let more people meet her, and had mentioned that a couple of weeks ago. We haven't really talked about it since, so I wasn't sure what she was thinking. I am used to orchestrating my own birthday stuff after all these years - Lord knows my girls won't do anything for me that way! Work has kept me from really finalizing the party, so I finally got the event invite sent out last night. I sent her a heads-up before I started on that, and I probably caught her off-guard. She wanted to get in and help, though, so she's getting a cake and plates and cups and such. And this weekend, she's taking us to mini-golf and cooking dinner for us tomorrow, which is pretty nice. We got together for breakfast this morning, and I focused for a minute on how comfortable and good I felt in her presence. I haven't known if this is built to last, but I guess I know now that I'd like it to be :-) Take care, Rob T

If you don't have day, time and activity set, you don't have a plan and I don't think you have a date. Rob T

I'm another. I got so sideways with a woman a few years ago just from texting that I couldn't go through doors normally for awhile. That one refused to talk on the phone when texting got weird, which I should have noted as a red flag. Text messages are great for simple logistics or to keep in touch at a distance, but it's not a replacement for better forms of communication. Take care, Rob T

Hugs, Maureen - the milestones and events are odd but good. I am glad you were able to lay John's ashes as he wanted and feel good about it. It will be fun to see how things go for you from here! Take care, Rob T

I have a most excellent excuse - that is the day I am riding in a Bike MS fundraiser ride. I will have plenty of time to think of you on that day, for sure! :-) Take care, Rob T

It took me *way* *too* *long* to do this. I had a credible, still valid will, but I knew I wanted changes, and then I wrote out the changes with one of those home legal software things, and had it on my computer for ages, wondering how I should get it signed and witnessed. Finally last summer, some friends going on vacation to Europe asked me to witness their will in front of a notary at the credit union, and I took mine and had them return the favor. So I am finally done, but it feels like I went a long time not getting down to it. I'm going to try to not do that in future. Take care, Rob T

Hi folks, I should pitch in here. As the guy I am now, I would not rush to kiss on a first date, and not doing so is more about not getting ahead of myself than lack of interest. I would not typically set up a date while on a date, I would arrange that awhile later, so I knew what I wanted to do and had some time to plan it without being distracted by your presence; again, not setting up a date on a date would not be evidence of non-interest. I would generally try to limit texting to logistics, rather than being really chatty. And I too would be looking for signs of interest to gauge my pace. I would absolutely show interest if I had interest, and I would absolutely follow through with everything I promised. Some of these things are new behaviours for me as a result of reading. Guys can rush into failure, and fighting that impulse and taking time seems worth it from recent experience. I was burned to the point of being crispy by moving too fast and having the wrong kinds of communications via text messages two-plus years ago, and after some processing time I finally reoriented my mindset last year to prevent a repeat. Now I get to make fresh mistakes, right? Take care, Rob T

Love and hugs - I am not sure if my rambling below has any value, but here it is. I have sometimes noticed that holding tightly onto what I have - however short it might fall of what might be better - means my hands are full and I am unable to grasp something different that might be there. I have found it freeing to start to think about giving up my job and what that might mean, and how I would define myself and spend my time if I were not working 40+ hours a week at my only career. I'm still fairly terrified to make that jump, but I know I can swing it financially very soon, so I have to get the "what next" story together. I know your job is precious, TooSoon, in terms of reliable income and OMG! tenure, but I also know how thoroughly those in charge have shattered parts of it for you. Who loves their job more now, you or Andy? Even if the answer to that is Andy, I understand that you're giving up something huge and it's hard. With that transatlantic possibility, I would wonder about positions in Europe vs. the UK; what it would take to get you a work visa prior to citizenship; how the Brexit negotiations go; and where Europe goes after German and French elections. It's going to be awhile before the dust settles no matter where you are. When we had to see how we'd juggle the kids, we didn't talk enough about it. Michelle gave up her job because they wanted her back to work when the twins were six weeks old, and that was insane. I was barely even able to think about the possibility that I could just stay on the reduced schedule I'd started when the girls were born, and really take on a serious chunk of childcare. My salary was larger, and my position was secure, so that made it clearer. A mitigating factor was that her PhD lab job had not worked out as she had hoped. Once she quit, she didn't look back - but I can't say I was the adult in the room I wanted to be when that was going on. As a feminist man who should have done better, I have regrets. Michelle was skilled at rolling her own jobs - two different tech writer positions, patent law, a physics teacher at our community college, and even a dream of being a cancer researcher before the symptoms came back. I wish I'd got to see her tackle that last one, as it might have really been her passion. She had a unique creative impatience that cut through stuff. What other things have you wanted to do? Take care, Rob T

Hi Mizpah, You think your observations are unromantic, but I disagree. Seeing that true romance is what you can build together with another person, how you can grow together into one great union, how a future mate need not be someone you trek to Timbuktu to meet, but can be someone closer at hand - that seems more true to me. Take care, Rob T

My wife arranged to send me a letter a month after she died, to thank me and to say goodbye. It blew me away. It touched on this, with these words: "I love you. I will always love you. I hope you will grieve and then move on to find a new life partner." So I have always felt like I had explicit permission to date. Take care, Rob T

I usually expressed interest in meeting after 2-3 message exchanges. I was OK with the woman needing more time, and I was OK with setting up a meeting a ways out in the future to deal with the realities of life. But the last time I waited almost a month to meet someone local with regular messaging going on, it was a giant waste of time - we met, it seemed fine, but the offer of a second date was met with news about a second job over the holidays and how hard it was going to be. If the guy won't suggest meeting, you should decide how long your timer is and what happens when it goes off. Take care, Rob T

A final thought from me tonight - I find that if they don't help me, I really start to resent it. It becomes like I am living with the world's shittiest roommates - they leave dishes all over, they watch me do work without helping, one won't talk to me sometimes. If I see them try, it's way easier to love them and not keep score. Take care, Rob T

Hey, I *like* this I think this definitely needs to be an experiment I run, thanks! Take care, Rob T

When they have a plan, their compliance is pretty good - they forget every so often, they forget to check all of the ingredients and find they can't cook, etc. But those things happen to me every so often as well. They expect to put dinner on the table another night if they miss dinner time by a lot. I need something more automatic for the planning, which I can localize to Sunday. I also want to plan better so we can have meals that interlock - if I roast a chicken on Monday and they can use that for something else, it would be good. That's part of why waiting for Godot isn't working. I am not sure there is much they could swap out for. We don't clean on a schedule, and I have in the past had a maid to keep the place up. The cleaning is ad-hoc, and they do help when asked or expected. They do their own laundry. But more to the point, cooking every. single. night. just erodes me. I can't keep it up, and really look forward to the nights that they cook and I get to just finish out my workday without the distraction. It's something they know I need, and except for planning, it's been pretty good. Take care, Rob T

I'd like to hear some strategies from you, as well - here or wherever. I don't have good carrot ideas, just sticks. I understand why my priorities aren't theirs, but it's simple - I need their help and I wear out emotionally if I do 100% of anything they can handle (look forward to my thoughts on them driving soon). One caveat is that one of mine is dealing with depression, and I know that plays out as finding it hard to be motivated by anything. That's getting some attention at last with a therapy visit today. I'd like a lower-stress solution for her, as well. Take care, Rob T

This is a good idea. I know that Miss R especially just claims to have no ideas, and I have commented that she should just pick a "greatest hit" instead of taking so long to think about it. Asking them to stash some links could help make this an easier option. Take care, Rob T

I have a parenting dilemna I would like help solving. Not earth-shattering, but still ... My daughters cook once per week each. They are supposed to figure out what they want to cook, figure out what they need for it, and update a shopping app with the ingredients for me to buy. I want to have some flexibility in when I do this shopping, and I only want to plan on doing that once per week. They are supposed to then get the meal on the table. They tend to cook on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The reality is: they won't consider thinking about what they are cooking unless I give them umpteen reminders and set deadlines. I really want to know on Sunday night, so I can shop that night or Monday night. It's usually Monday after several reminders, and tonight Rebecca blew it off altogether, along with the trash it was her turn to do, because I wasn't around to nag. Excuse me for having the temerity to attend my first annual HOA meeting in years. I want to recast the grocery shopping as a convenience to them. I want to recast their lethargy as a decision that limits what they can do or complicates what they have to do. I want to have deadlines pass silently and ask about them later. I want to have a way that putting a crappy box meal on the table is discouraged, which might be the toughest part. I am thinking something like this: - We need to talk Sunday if you're cooking on anything but your regular night (and that could be me needing to change it as much as them - Becca has a choir performance Tuesday and I have music Thursday, so both happened this week) - If you don't get me the ingredients by 24 hours before the earliest cook needs them, you're cooking something from scratch without needing anything (good luck!), or you're buying the ingredients yourself without help form me, or you're paying to take the family out to dinner. If you make a great case for it, you MAY get to put a packaged meal on the table with my approval. - If you forget to cook at all, you pay to take the family out to dinner or you arrange take out. I always wonder about the loopholes. Does anyone see loopholes? Take care, Rob T

Oh, that is so cool, kjs! Vancouver is pretty awesome! Take care, Rob T

Awesome - it's cool when something you're cheering for happens :-) Hugs to you both! Take care, Rob T

Of course - it helps them market more people to you! Some have documented that match reports people as "last online in the last N days" even when they haven't used their apps or logged into their accounts for a much longer time. I like match, but they are a little shifty. Take care, Rob T