RobFTC

You are! And if guys don't see that, they're not smart enough for you :-) Take care, Rob T

#1 who said he'd do anything to make you happy is the one you should drop first, that's a red flag. The other two might be worth some time. Take care, Rob T

Hugs, Maureen. Take care, Rob T

A woman I dated last fall hid her profile after meeting me, saying she liked to focus on one person at a time. I guess that's valid, but it meant I couldn't consult her profile before seeing her again. I tend to want to keep my profile up until The Talk about us both taking them down happens. If he's rushing, you'll know soon enough, I think guys do that a lot. Take care, Rob T

This seems to be the time of year for online dating - the activity pickup is giving me whiplash! I am actually conflicted about how many threads I am willing to pick up. Take care, Rob T

Hi folks, Just a reminder to please give others some time if you go to chat. I just noticed a new user on, and that person vanished before I could type a comment. I had only a minute and twelve seconds from when they joined to when they left, and only 34 seconds after they wrote their only comment, which is what I noticed. I was trying to switch nicks, and was on my way, really! Take care, Rob T

You found the right place - welcome back! Many of us made the jump here, and some of the most memorable threads are even recreated. I'm just past six years, too. Take care, Rob T

Rebecca, I am so sorry for your loss. A sudden loss, especially away from home, must be almost impossible to process. I am glad you found us. My loss was from cancer, so was different in some crucial ways. I am six years out, and all I can tell you is that it gets better. Make sure you drink enough water, and keep posting. This forum has been important to me. Take care, Rob T

God, what a messy word salad. I am sorry you're dealing with this, SF. Take care, Rob T

Semper, I am so sorry - that has to be a major kick in the butt. Good you kicked him to the curb. I don't get why some guys lie, but then I am such a crappy liar that earnest honesty fits much better with me. You deserve, and will find, better. Take care, Rob T

Hi folks, I hope you are having a good, or at least decent holiday season. I'm up in the frozen north that's actually not too badly frozen right now, and it's been good. Christmas Eve ended about 4am with a super-mad-fun round of broomstick karaoke at some new friends - neighbors of my nephew's. I think there are incriminating pictures of me out there now ;D , and I don't think my nephew or sister has seen me do THAT exactly. And I was doing that with a lot less liquid courage than they probably realized. I felt good on Christmas day, which was also mostly held over at my nephew's place. Lots of good talk with family, familiar and unfamiliar folks, a great meal and not too many political rants. It was good to get to bed at a normal time, though :-) Take care, Rob T

Hi Wynne, I hear you - I was 50 with twin 10-year-olds when I started dating. Lots of people my age had been there, done that, and it was a drag on my results for sure. But not knowing what to do was I'm sure a bigger factor. If you're open to something to read, I generally liked this guy's advice before I found some better male-specific stuff: http://www.datingadviceguy.com/ Take care, Rob T

The mapping from people to online profiles, and the reverse mapping we have to do to get some image of the original person, are difficult things. Some people are easy to discard, and of course online gives us a lot more things to pick at. Oh look, his reported height doesn't look right from his photos. Oh look, she wants to date people younger, not even her own age. Oh look, they look larger than that "a few extra pounds" choice they checked. Eew, look at all the dogs they have. So I am with Portside for meeting as soon as you feel safe with anyone who manages to interest you. Go ahead and honor true deal-breakers - I don't think I could be convinced to date someone who was still smoking, or who actually likes the new U.S. President. A bit of messaging can be OK - but I messaged someone every day or two for a solid month before meeting in person, and them she announced that she'd taken a second job and couldn't possibly do a date for weeks, so THAT was a waste of energy. A phone call can help - I would suggest women call men with caller-ID blocking on. And maybe above all - keep perspective - don't take anything personally and keep the energy you spend to a sustainable level. Take care, Rob T

MACC, Hugs. I've absolutely exploded at my kids, sometimes without much justification. If you can use your energy to figure out how to avoid that in future, that's way better than beating yourself up. The best things for me are: - remembering I don't have to react to much of anything immediately, so I can have time to think - remembering that some things are not your problem - at some point, grades are the kids' problem - thinking about how consequences can be delivered calmly, so they will actually work It's tough - I know we could have helped more with homework under other circumstances. That's the life our kids have to deal with. If we don't try to deal with it all for them, it probably works out better. I need to post in the Love & Logic thread about one daughter's semester of failure with geography - long story short, what I tried to do to "help" probably made things worse in some ways. Letting go of those things I could perhaps influence has been the hardest thing, but I have also come to realize how important it is. Take care, Rob T

I dated another Michelle - she went by Shelly, so it would have been a little odd, but fine. Last month, it was also a little weird dating a Rebecca (a daughter's name) - though she goes by Becky and my daughter uses Becca a lot. Take care, Rob T

So if I'd had more patience, I would have been able to elide the second set of people - I got three e-mails this morning and a call at lunch time because they were worried their e-mails were not getting through. So we will see them tonight, and that will be good. Take care, Rob T

Did anyone hear an announcement for Catfishing Friday? It must be - I woke up with three expressions of interest today: - an OKCupid message from a 29-year-old in Wide-Spot-In-The-Road or something Wyoming who would like me to contact her - off-site at an e-mail address with a Russian domain name - sounds legit :-) - a fave and a like on match.com from two different lovely women, ages 30 and 31, in Casper, Wyoming - who happen to have included the same Gmail address for further contact. I guess it was too hard to yell across the boiler room to coordinate who was going to use the "rossewewa" account today. Did I mention the profiles were word-for-word the same, too? I should point them to each other, they'd get along well! Ready to get off of all these sites in 3... 2... 1... Take care, Rob T

My girls are 16 today. We planned to go out to dinner as a family tonight, and talked about whether or not we should invite anyone. We thought of the girls official godparents. They had made talked about getting together during Christmas break last year, and had even set up a day and time for it, and then something else came up. We'd get together soon, they said. Still waiting. We talked about that, and there was a desire to get connected with them again, but not for this birthday thing. We thought about an older couple we know from church that we used to be close to. They still always talk to the girls when they see them, and they're one of the sets of people we have talked about pulling back in closer. So I wrote them an e-mail to invite them at the start of the week. After a couple of days, I got a call from her, saying that she hoped they could come, but that her husband was stressed about stuff at work and she was unhappy that he wasn't responding to the e-mail. She hoped he'd respond that night, still listening to the crickets. They would just have to let me know before I ask for a table at the restaurant, and be willing to eat a meal I've offered to pay for. Might still happen, but I am sad. I would just like people to act like they care about us. I *know* it's different since Michelle died, believe me, she was so much fun. But I'd like to feel like we're worthy of not being discarded. I have dealt with some of this personally, but it's harder when it includes the girls, on a special day. Take care, Rob T

Michelle and I used to take turns with kid duty - if you weren't on duty, you deflected parenting decisions (not all the work!) over to the one who was. The girls got used to asking us "who's in charge?" I remember how relaxing it was to just have to think about getting everyone fed and leaving parenting to her. After she passed, I felt like I didn't get to relax like that again for *years*. We went to Universal Studios in Orlando, and it was so not a vacation for me. The fatigue was all through me. Now that the girls are teens (16 on Friday, holy crap!), they are easy and I can manage actual relaxation much more often. I think the first summer day I got to take off and do 20 miles on the bike, or got to go out to music in the evening without a sitter, I exhaled air that had been in me for a long time. May you get to that place soon, TooSoon. Take care, Rob T

Hey Sam-you-are, welcome back! Take care, Rob T

second, when I read the last reply (above) after an old friend sent me here, I was totally thinking about dating online...now, you read it and tell me you didn't spit out your drink! The browsing is great, but those bastards *really* need to work on fulfillment! Take care, Rob T

Hi Misty, hugs from an expatriate. I would say that an important part is to plan things - don't leave stuff to chance, don't hope someone will invite you somewhere or include you in their plans, or you could wind up sitting with nothing to do and too much time to think. Go ahead and be bold about asking to spend time with friends - they won't always be sure of what to do about you, but if you let them know, they can often be there for you, apart from when they travel or host close family. Three weeks after my loss was my wedding anniversary, and I suggested that neighbors get together and tell stories about her - and it was wonderful. And make some plans for you to do alone, too - anything that you think might bring joy. I think your in-laws and family are a tough subject, so you will have to figure them out in your heart - and sigh, I so wish that was simpler. Take care, Rob T

This blows me away. When I found other local people in our small city of 140000, we accreted others and even found them on the old ywbb at times, and knew more here than in Denver, with 10X the population. I had 30 people each at two bagos, and some folks in actual cities can't get arrested. There's something odd about the dynamics of this. Take care, Rob T

You and me both! But it's out there. I have had a couple of women my age state flatly, "I would never ask a man out!". And sure enough, that reflected their actions - they might mention something going on in the way of a hint, but the words to turn that into plans always had to be mine. After being married to a proud-to-be-pesky feminist, that was pretty weird. And like I say, I am not having that problem at the moment. These days, I ask women out at first to stand out from the doofuses (doofusi?). But I start a meter running, too. A woman that really won't initiate is not likely to work for me. Take care, Rob T

Yes, the man should initiate and make his interest clear - and the woman should at least make clear there's interest, and do more of the initiating over time to make her interest clear. I am seeing more of that good stuff happening right now than usual, which rocks :-) An addition - I hear of some slovenly, lazy guys these days. A proper date is not "hanging out" and should not leave a bunch of stuff to chance. When I was young and foolish two whole years ago :-), my last date with a hot prospect went sideways because I hadn't made clear that I had planned to have dinner with my girls before an early evening date, and she was starving. This week, I got kudos for presenting an invitation with a clear plan in time for my date to juggle her working hours to get to the event on time (after I made clear that I'd be OK with being fashionably late). Take care, Rob T