RobFTC

Wedding photo from 18 years ago today.

Hey Michelle, it's me again. 18 years today since we said "I do". You were supposed to be here with me, marveling and being perplexed at these two girls about to turn 16, adding more human touches to Twin A, planning what we'd do together when the girls were off to college, and filling up my arms at night. We'll go out to dinner tonight, and I might show the girls that wedding picture that Facebook reminds me I posted two years ago, but wtf do kids know about anniversaries? I don't know if anyone else remembers the day, but you know I'll never forget, and that's enough. We're OK here, because while we will always wish we had more time with you, what you gave us was beautiful. Happy Anniversary my love, Rob T

Sometimes I don't do it that often anymore, but every so often, I have to see how far down the wormhole goes. The transitions are my favorite part - as in, "hey, your profile is written so well, and first messages were good, so why does it feel like you can barely string together a sentence that sounds like you're a native English speaker any more?" Handoffs! It can be rather amusing. One I confronted, and got a "Look, I am just doing my job, OK?" response. Not too often the 4th wall breaks! LOL : Take care, Rob T

Hi Frederick, Mid-year, I reconnected with a couple of women I had dated more than a couple of times in the prior year, with those relationships not going forward. My agenda was to gather a little information about how the relationships looked from their point of view. I was glad I did. In both cases, we had good conversations that I think meant something to each of us. I had something confirmed about my thoughts, and they got to hear what I liked about them that I had been too cool or something to be that open about before. Both were actually intrigued at the possibility of resuming things, but one was in the early stages of seeing someone they felt good about, and the other was someone I had realized was not a fit for me. The practice of being more "real" was good for me, and, I think, for them. Bottom line, I don't think anything done out of love and done with integrity is wasted. You didn't hurt anyone, except for what your regrets are doing to you now, and you're free to let those go. Take care, Rob T

I'd like that :-), she's easy on the eyes as well. But it could take a little while with all I currently have going on and Thanksgiving around the corner. Take care, Rob T

I have to share this ... I woke up this morning to a new message that contained this: "I have discovered during my two days as a OKC member that this site has lots of creepy guys who send pictures and messages that make me want to abandon OKC completely. It was refreshing to come across your profile. (You´ve restored my faith in finding cool people through sites like this. :-) " Good living pays off sometimes? :-) Take care, Rob T

Hi fuchsiasky, You might be able to work out a deal with the sitter about how they should interact with her, including no lectures. I would also point out that your daughter doesn't need to be happy with the arrival of a sitter, and that I would be wary of giving her a veto. You're the parent, and will sometimes just have to do stuff. I'm hearing a flip side of a lot of love in how you cuddled and reconnected there. That's the ideal manna for your relationship with her, lots of love. Remember that the acting out is only happening because she loves you and feels safe with you. Take care, Rob T

Hi Needytoo, I am a little unclear on what you're doing - is it that you're doing online dating and just taking it very slow before meeting? Or do you mean something different when you say chatting? One risk with messaging someone for a long time is that the mental picture you form is not necessarily lined up with reality, and you can get attached to a chimera instead of a real person. It's not necessarily fatal, but it's like you have to unlearn something you thought you knew before you can learn who they actually are. What was the failure mode with coffee dates? I am normally a fan, as it's a small investment and you get to see the full 3D version of the person. Certainly asking some questions to filter an orient yourself is good, but I would certainly not be sticking around for eight months! I had a date on Sunday with someone about four weeks and two postponements, and it was very close to my limit. It turns out that she was worth the wait, though the delay will have me paying close attention to her availability. Friends, that's a gap I have felt as well. I have been commiserating with my niece, who's been living alone for the last year and is just so desperately lonely it hurts sometimes. I've suggested to her that she look at meetup.com - she's in Calgary, and I thought I saw some cool possibilities there, and it's appealing as a non-relationship-oriented site. She was messing around on pof.com, and I thought that that was like juggling chainsaws in her state. She'd set up dates and never managed to follow through (small mercies?). I figured having a base of friends would be a better deal for her. Myself, I have been focusing on pulling existing friends closer, which has been mixed but mostly good. If you do decide to go the crazy cat lady route, I'd recommend a starter kit of two so they can play :-) Take care, Rob T

momtokam, I thought your quip was good - what a doofus. I've seen some multi-paragraph rants about how much some women hate the site and why. The good news is that clicking "next" on those profiles is no harder than on any others! :-) Take care, Rob T

fuchsiasky - defiance, yup, seen that. I have one child who has to test every limit, just to make sure :-) Your emotions and reactions are the energy that drives the machine, unfortunately. If you are more calm and use fewer words, it won't be as much fuel. Going further, if you can figure out strategies where her choices lead to consequences that are unpleasant for her and tolerable to you, and you can keep yourself and your emotions out of the way so that there's no reason for her to get mad at you, she'll figure out her choices weren't good ones. These are a couple of tenets of Love and Logic, which I try to use. I started a thread about it here: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1740.0.html. It can work really well sometimes, but it's sometimes necessary to get help thinking about what to do to handle an issue. So yes, it worked better before I was widowed, sigh. For your shopping issue - what would it be like if you simply went shopping and left her? Would she be unhappy? Of course, you would be stressed at the thought of leaving her at home alone at age 8. But if a friend could park in the driveway to make sure she was OK, would that work? Or if a sitter came over and she had to be paid with a toy from your daughter? You might not like these ideas or be able to put then into practice, I get it, but those are examples. I am willing to brainstorm with you if that helps. Take care, Rob T

Could be, but this work-from-home tech guy finds it nice to break out of my work day to meet someone, and the solo parent likes that it can't effect time with my daughters. It might be nice to see if you get a corroborating clue before deciding. Of course, they are supposed to know I'm widowed. Take care, Rob T

Hi Maureen, It is good to see you at this culmination point, it's such an achievement. At the same time, I know it's so hard to know what's next. You rock, and I know good things will be coming for you. I hope that you get clarity on your next adventure in due course, and that in the nearer term, the papers go well. Hugs and love! Take care, Rob T

Congratulations! I think that Tim would be smiling :-) Take care, Rob T

Six years today. I think for the first time, I didn't wake up right at 5am. I was just looking through some threads I had saved from the old ywbb, and found this. It was good to see it again. It was part of a vanity thread I kept updating as personally significant dates rolled by, and I am so glad I still have it. "At about 5am, something woke me, I never knew what. I sensed a change, and went over to check on Michelle. She had stopped breathing, and her body was settling into the bed with small noises. I held her hand and said goodbye, and cried for awhile. You know how in the movies, they close the eyes of the dead? I tried, and could not do it. I had a little time before I called the family, and before the girls got up. We let the neighbors know, and soon impromptu elegies were being said in the cul-de-sac and hugs were shared around. I thought of her in Heaven, finally able to dance after three months of serious disability, and perhaps meeting up with another member of our church who was finally should have beeen free of her wheelchair." I miss you, my love. Take care, Rob T

Hey First Widow, I have always liked the features on match.com, and I have found it much better on results this go-round. I have a better profile and (especially) pics, and I am more playful in my approach. I find that okcupid.com just doesn't have very many people, and using pof.com on the web is so sad that I don't want to be there despite the good numbers (though the app sucks much less). I hate hate hate the swiping apps (Tinder and Bumble) - all my time there has gone into a black hole no matter what I do, even as uptake of the apps has gone way up in my somewhat-sparse area. I clearly don't have the Twitter-style mojo for those sites. Needytoo, IMO any serious guy should stop messaging and make a date, almost not EVER break it (is someone bleeding?), and he should make it clear if he's interested. If he doesn't want to meet, he could be married, but wtf do you even care? I believe that decent people also let you know kindly if you're not the one - I did that the other day after two dates with a nice woman who just wasn't "it" for me. I know guys don't always feel the need to do that until the relationship is further along, but I don't like that. Take care, Rob T

Well, now that you mention it, yeah, they would love this :-) When you think of these folks, imagine a packed little boiler room of scammers. I get likes and winks from the 28-32 year old women's profiles with the lovely pics and the Gmail accounts tortured into the description or stamped onto one of the photos. (Like someone aged 30 would work for me!) I laugh at the thought of the slimy little guys hoping for a good nibble. Just curse them like us poor folks living in the US curse political canvassers, and you'll be in the right mood! :-) Take care, Rob T

IIRC, Laurie had a lot more banked? I guess you'd need to figure out the numbers. You can always draw hers and switch to yours later, but I guess pay attention to how much hers might go up if you wait, if it does. I know that drawing from hers doesn't affect yours at all. Take care, Rob T

Captains wife, the term I have heard for this is "being benched". They have a hotter player, but rather than break ties or even just keep dating, they keep you in case plan A (or plans A, B and C) don't work out. I had someone cancel a date and found it impossible to get another, only to have her message me a couple of months later. Her problem is that I don't stay on the bench, I go wandering off to find a new ballfield! Take care, Rob T

I guess I'm the anti-Bear - I can't give myself to someone sexually without the relationship having some solidity and commitment. So I don't have to think much about friends with benefits opportunities. Take care, Rob T

Yup, the alone-ness resonates off the walls here. I keep having these little scenes of dating that all fall short of going the distance somehow. I am good at managing alone, but I am feeling it more this year, and this time of year. match.com has been better for me lately, so I have some cause to hope when I am not waiting for things to go wrong. On the flip side, the title of the post reminded me of this great Al Green song! :-) Take care, Rob T

The five love languages is an interesting way to look at things, and was something I discussed with the last woman I dated - it was interesting that we happened to line up on our top need (physical touch). Just becoming aware that what you like to receive and/or what you naturally want to give may not line up with what your partner needs is a pretty good nugget by itself. Take care, Rob T

Me, too. If you find out anything that can be publically shared, please do. I miss that nut job :-) Take care, Rob T

Nothing happens to your kids' SS benefits when they hit 16. The only magic thing about 16 is that when all kids are over 16, if you were getting benefits as a caregiver, they would stop because the kids would be able to take care of themselves. The other transition is that kids' benefits stop at 18 or when they are out of school, whichever is later. And whenever a benefit stops, money may be redistributed to the other, but that is subject to a family maximum. Take care, Rob T

I had this come up awhile ago. A woman I had been talking with on OKCupid last October felt the need to confess before we met that she was separated, not divorced. In talking with her about it, she was the one holding off, with a serious sense of guilt for having a marriage fail and with some hope of reconciliation. I declined to meet her, as when literally the easiest thing legally is to reconcile and there's hope of that, it felt like she needed to deal with her stuff first. I know I don't pursue someone who lists themselves as separated. I told her I would be happy to meet once her divorce was final. Interestingly, she popped up on match.com and favorited me in September, and we did wind up going out. No sparks, though. Take care, Rob T

So it's that time of year again where I trundle into the high school to find out how bad the chronic "missing assignment" disease is with my girls. Yup, still there, but the rash has faded a bit from last year :-) They each have some low grades, and some grades that their teachers know are low for their ability. I diagnosed Rebecca's issue with one class correctly, and got some very targeted guidance for what's up for the second-lowest grade. Sarah's got a nightmare grade right now, but it's not as dire as it appears. She was very unhappy with her schedule because lunch was so late in the day, but took weeks to actually go in and get it changed, so she won't get credit for work done in one old class but gets a long grace period to do the work assigned for the new class. She also has some could-be-better grades marked by missing work, which I think just stems from her disorganization. But both have more decent-to-good grades than issues. I am trying to let their grades be their grades, asking about how they feel about them and offering to coach. I can ask better questions today. It was also fun to talk to some of the teachers for classes they are doing well in. Rebecca's choir teacher is very pleased, and her German teacher likes her a lot and thinks she's doing well. Sarah's orchestra teacher thinks the step-up to symphony has been a challenge Sarah's thriving on, and when I reintroduced myself to her French teacher, she grabbed my arm and gushed about how much she loved everything about my daughter :-) That one brought tears, because I know how much Sarah loves her, too. It's so good to have them back in school - the structure has smoothed Rebecca out, especially. Take care, Rob T