RobFTC

Needytoo, with online I usually offer my number just before first meeting in case someone is running late, and half the time she's offered her number by then as well. Of course, in person, which is coming up more, I usually lead by asking for a number, and they don't really know a lot about me there. Arneal, Sideline sounds cool, though my App store is catatonic right now. Another option for those on match.com is their anonymous matchPhone feature, which appears useful. Take care, Rob T

Portside, I get your point, too - I think your ending summary is just fine; kids don't need complete information. The longer story might be something I would share over a beer with adult children, perhaps in their late teens if they expressed a need to know. Our closest analog (and it's not very close) was that when we were talking about unplanned pregnancies, I told the girls that their Mom had a little boy and put him up for adoption early in her time at college, and how she felt about that. It fit, and I got to tell them something about her Mom that might otherwise die with me. Take care, Rob T

You'd be confirming the truth he already knows you're withholding? As poor of a liar as I am, I know I could not do dumb, I just say stuff tactfully. Take care, Rob T

Thanks for the caring, folks. It was an OK day, maybe with a little more time to think than I needed, but mostly it was about good memories. The lonely gets a little thick around here on days like this. Take care, Rob T

Dear Michelle, Hello my love, you should have been 55 today. It seems so long ago since I've held you, even though some memories are so fresh. You have been in my thoughts more this year than ever; I've missed you so much. The sun is turning the maple tree that you loved so much into a torch. That's like it was six years ago today, the last day we got out together as a family, driving up into the mountains to see the fall colours. I remember noticing you feel every bump in the road in your weakened condition. Your infirmities were already bad then, and would get worse. I had no idea I would wake when you breathed your last five weeks to the day from then. There have been some really good things this year. You would enjoy my weight loss and better fitness - I could keep up with your marathon walking now, I think. My singing is better, you might even agree! I wish we'd started going to the Spanish Peaks festival when you were still with us, as I know how much you would have enjoyed it. That has boosted me through this anniversary season in recent years - who knew? You might have noticed that I took a big risk on love this spring that didn't work out. No regrets, and I'm OK. I know that the hurt was just related to the height of the leap. The good news is that it opened up my heart, and I have been trying to not let it close up again despite the "feels". That's helping me do things like restoring and deepening friendships, which may be working. The girls - I wish you could see them now. I wish we'd talked in detail about your adolescent and teen years, so I could better know how to love Rebecca. She's got so many of your traits, without the smoothing out of the rough edges that you had over time. Sarah lacks her sister's rebellion, but has her own mysteries. Being able to talk about parenting them in depth to someone who knows them remains a gap in my life. You'd be teasing me about the citizenship application in this year of Trump, I bet. Being able to live anywhere like the girls can do seems pretty useful. I miss deconstructing politics with you, though the girls are developing into pretty good stand-ins for that. You would enjoy some of the humor and commentary, though maybe not the swearing :-) I wish you were here so that we could make a fuss over your birthday, but if you are where I think you are, you will be fine. I'm still counting on that pitcher of margaritas you promised me when I join you! Love you always, Rob T

Hi gang, I hope others find parts of this funny enough to make up for the length ... The other week, I happened to notice a, bright, chipper e-mail from match.com, saying this: "Your account updates went through without a hitch. Take a sec to make sure everything looks OK." Email address: william_lester3@aol.com <View profile> OMG, whatchoo talkin bout Willis? That ain't me! But sure enough, I can't do squat. Can't log in, phone app disconnected, etc. This sucks, I have already had to fix my TiVo twice and had another computer throw a hard drive recently. I must be tech cursed right now. So I try to figure out how to contact them - wow, what a horror show. There might have been a possibility of calling a phone number if I was logged in, but haha, of course I am not, am I? I find a form that promises a response within 48 hours and fill it in with "I've been hacked!" and as much info as I can think to include. The next day, I wonder - I reload that e-mail and click on <View profile>. I get to a screen where I am asked to supply my birth date; when I do so, I find I have account access, and can change my password and my e-mail address. Wow, cool! I haven't heard from match, so I poke around. Our friend Clem Kadiddlehopper kept my opening and closing lines, but rewrote the guts my profile with a lot of The Best Words, including making me a divorced native Coloradoan who'd spent a lot of time out of the US recently and was about to embark on an Exciting Venture. He'd also made me taller, LOL! :-) Some of it was SO thick and hackneyed it just hurt. How did this stuff get through the focus group? So I rewrite a new profile from scratch, mentioning that I've been hacked and would folks please not think any e-mails on MM/DD were from me. I can't tell any were sent, but who knows. The next day, still no contact from match. I got a ping from a woman who thought I was cute and wondered if I had a beard or not. Um, I have had this goatee so long, science isn't sure what's under there, why do you ask? So I go look at my photos - he's uploaded a couple of clean-shaven photos that I don't think looked like me, or as good as me! (Hijacks-R-Us must not have had the budget to use good pictures.) And it took me two days to notice :-( I fix that and reply to said lass that yea verily I sport facial hair. She thought the hacker's photos were better, apparently. Hmph, no accounting for taste! Hey hon, if you find him, I hear he has this Exciting Venture ... The final calamity was this: after six days (nearly seven), match.com finally thought they Had To Act, overnight, on my earlier trouble report, having seen Suspicious Activity. (This must have been the Rapid Response Team!) They announced that they were restoring my profile from backup, at some nebulous time soon. Which wiped out at least six days of messages, plus all of the sparkly turns of phrase in my new profile that I wish I'd been able to hang onto :-( And they explained that despite the restore, some settings in a few places would not be set back as they were, and I would have to check those ones myself. Soon after, they sent out one of those little "did we provide you with excellent service today?" surveys. I admit I had some fun filling that out, including a detailed account of how they messed me up and a suggestion of what would have actually HELPED me after six days of thinking I was on my own. I hope my rating spoiled someone's bonus; I know some of my phrases should have warmed their coffee. All good now, except for an odd uptick in incoming interest from out-of-state that makes me want to go over my settings a tenth time. That's apart from the ever-present 28-32 year old gorgeous scammers whose profiles self-destruct like Mission Impossible in an hour or two. So boys and girls, make sure you don't re-use passwords all over of God's green earth, or this might happen to you! :-) Take care, Rob T

I think the guy should not have had your information without asking you for it; the photo wasn't OK, whatever his motivations were. Take care, Rob T

Trying, hugs, and props for finding such a meaningful way to honor your husband. Take care, Rob T

Needytoo, this is so good to hear! :-) Take care, Rob T

An unusual offer for a first date: "Maybe this is weird for a first meeting...do you have any interest in seeing the movie the labyrinth with David Bowie Wednesday night at 7:00 at the timberline theater with me?" Ooh baby, talk Bowie to me! :-) I let her know I had a conflict, and no other contact since. Take care, Rob T

I know the voice of the principal at my girls' high school pretty well, since he's often recording messages that go out to all parents. But it was him live today - calling for me, personally. He needed me to know that a long-time science teacher had been in a horrible rollover accident on Interstate 25 last night, along with her husband. I hadn't read the e-mail he'd sent out to all parents until he called. I can only imagine how hard it would be to have to make a bunch of calls like that. This was Sarah's Chemistry teacher. I had not met her; because I have two students at the school, I am always making choices about who I meet as I walk their schedules on Back To School night, and that night I'd met Becca's Chemistry teacher instead. Sarah says she was one of her favorite new teachers, and pretty awesome. There were tears. I told her that her penchant for being generous with hugs could help some other students when that class rolls around on Monday. The girl does have a big heart, but I wish she didn't have to be the expert on grief among her peers :'( Take care, Rob T

HM, I get it. I know I have some new things in my life that help a lot with that, like my favorite music festival that comes up right before Michelle's birthday. The glow from my time down there lasts through the first part of my anniversary season. It took me a couple of years of going to realize how that was helping. I so wish she'd got to go down there with us. Your "muscle memory" analogy reminds me of one my my metaphors: The waves will come every anniversary season. I am never sure how big they will be, but I am getting better at adjusting my paddling style to them, be they big or small. I haven't capsized the canoe a lot lately, which is good. But I'm going to keep wearing the lifejacket. Take care, Rob T

I'm sorry, imissdow - that sucks. At your daughter's age, it seems silly to have big concerns (or frankly, opinions) about your parenting. At any age, I would hope to just enjoy someone's kids, but that's me. Take care, Rob T

I think that some people make the mistake of anesthetizing or distracting themselves from pain, and I think that leads them to be disconnected from themselves; I used to be there. My last relationship opened me up a lot, and after the split, I wanted to try to keep my heart open and not go back to how I was before. I think a positive plan and deliberate focus on regrowth permitted me to not wallow in the grief and loss too badly. And new things are swirling around for me. Mike, can you make a plan to add some positive stuff to your life? Take care, Rob T

Sorry for the loss, Sugarbell, and for the idiot chatter that surrounds it. Suicide is tough. Take care, Rob T

Hi Mike, Eons ago, after I initiated a breakup with my first girlfriend, I didn't know how to deal with all of the emotions. I had friends who lived near her, and I would drive by her place for some unknown reason on the way home. And would feel like shit after, and weaker. When I would listen to the urges to do that and tell them "no", I would feel stronger, not weaker. The next time I was in that position, it was much easier to say "no" to the urges to see the woman, think about her, etc. Every "no" got easier and made me stronger. If the emotional swamp is truly drained, maybe something can be rebuilt, but you can't hurry it. I saw a friend I treasure this summer, with whom I had a relationship 25 years ago. Take care, Rob T

He's right about the positives from a relationship - the touching, the affirmations, the listening post. All true. I missed those things extra hard this summer. I have also been thinking about my friendships with couples with an eye to how they may be compromised by my being single, unlike most of their other friends. Most would love to see me recoupled, and I love them for it, even though they can be ham-fisted. At church, a female friend I hadn't seen for some time started attending again, and we have been sitting together in church, which has been enough for a lot of people to chatter like *mad*. Fortunately, we're both similarly amused by it all :-) Take care, Rob T

What??? Good Lord, some people's children. Take care, Rob T

Thanks for asking, Needytoo. Lunch was great - it was good to catch up, and I got to hear more about their travels in Europe this summer than I had so far, and catch him up on our travels. A little deeper and a little meta also worked out - like now I get that he's the extravert (not how I'd peg him!) and she's an introvert (probably my Meyers-Briggs type, actually), instead of being an extravert as I would have assumed. They are busy, so the "home is a refuge" thing is highly relevant. I also have a new idea or two of what might work to see them - it looks like inviting the family for a BBQ might work, and I can do that. He knows I think a lot of them and would like to escape the "aren't we moving though?" trap that I think I and they fall into. Chipping away, and having more successes than failures, what more can a guy ask for? (No comments from the peanut gallery, OK? ;D) Take care, Rob T

Sometimes things work out well 8). I know sometimes things will be unfixable. I am struggling a little about tomorrow. A couple I reached out to in July has been acting like they wanted to get together with me since then, but it hasn't happened, which has been disappointing. They are Exhibit A for people who are a priority for me, but I am not that for them. It's one of my oldest friendships here - we met when both families were expecting. Part of it is certainly their chronic overscheduling, but I also wonder if the single-plus-couple feels odd to them, and/or if they're tired at some level of talking to me when I'm not in a great place. I haven't been willing to "go meta" on them as I did with my neighbors. The guy and I are on for lunch tomorrow, which I know from the past is his response to feeling like I've been kept waiting too long. I do appreciate him for that. I am so unsure what I should say. I expect I will just catch him up on our summer and ask after theirs, focusing on the good, and perhaps suggest a couple of generic possibilities, like getting our whole families together instead of a group of three. Take care, Rob T

Hi Donna, I can see this being a shocking thing. I think love can be your North Star, though. I don't have up-close experience, but a friend of the girls is female-to-male trans. He hasn't switched away from his birth name, but prefers "he". His parents are religious and conservative and don't use his preferred pronoun, which drives one daughter crazy. She's pretty militant about radical acceptance. Here's how I look at things. If my child changed their name, I would of course try to address them by their chosen name. If their reality is about their gender or sexuality, I will respect that as well. I do have some related experience - one daughter is pansexual and the other feels that bisexual describes her best. I have said that I will look for the best in whoever they bring home, and based on their friends, I'd expect to love them. I will say that I think a lot of teens in my circle seem to be exploring their sexuality and gender, to the point where I think not all will stay where they are now. If their magic people let them explore without adding more issues, I'd assume that wherever they land is going to be a good place for them. Take care, Rob T

Thanks for the kind words :-) We got together on my deck tonight, and it was great! Without our departed neighbors to act as a catalyst, all three sets of people had been a little inactive. We're better now. The girls re-engaged, too - they both love these people. No pictures, though - darn! :-) Take care, Rob T

I prefer to get the full experience in person. I figure I can know some details about a woman from the profile, and so I have an idea whether meeting would likely be interesting or not, and my preference is to just make that happen without too many days of messaging. I don't have to worry about filtering out creepers, I have only had a couple of women turn out to be so bad I wished I hadn't taken the time. Your mileage varies, of course. I am happy to message for awhile before meeting, and happy to get on the phone before meeting as well. There's a countervailing risk that the person will chat your leg off and waste time without ever intending to meet. I have had that happen, and won't stay in orbit for that long if I see it heading that way. Take care, Rob T

Oh, Leslie. There are no words. Prayers for you all. Take care, Rob T

I think many of us have had existing friendships change after our losses. It's easy to feel hopeless about that, but it's important to know things can change. So here's my story. We all had a wonderful vacation in Canada in July, with lots of good family and friend contact, including my sister, my niece and nephews, some cousins I hadn't seen for years, and even an old flame. And all that followed up with some days in my favorite mountains. It left me thinking, "yeah, this is how life SHOULD be." I figured that when I got back to Colorado, I could connect with friends and deepen some relationships. I got specific about plans and listed the people I wanted to reach out to. Cue the crash. I came back and suggested getting together with a few sets of friends. I was unable to get the kind of attention I wanted, even accounting for people's travels and general busyness. It reinforced that feeling I have had for years that I am just in a place I don't belong, and that I should get the hell out of here sooner rather than later. It sent me into a funk that had me missing Michelle really badly - I think the loneliness was worse than any I have had since she died. And at my very lowest, it was all too easy to expect I'd be that old guy who dies alone in his house and isn't found for weeks. I know I have at times taken the easy way out in some relationships because I have assumed I would be moving away. Sometimes, I felt like I was the widowed one who should get a break. I know that I just never took over the social role Michelle had in our life when she was no longer able to do it. I know I don't reach out well to people who I care about, or pay enough attention in other ways to keeping relationships healthy. And I am sensitive to how awkward it can be to be a perpetually single person getting together with another couple. None of those things are going to be my friend when I do move. I want to move. I miss Canada, and can't really explain to myself some days why I am still here. But while plan A is still to move, maybe even by next summer, I need a plan B consisting of "grow where you're planted". Without close friends, I won't make it. I need some relationships that don't fit the pattern that they are a priority to me but I don't matter much to them. A wise friend once reminded me of the power of stating the obvious. I thought that I should confess my failings and needs and see if some of the people I care about might be open to being closer. Talk about a gut check! What if they just didn't respond, or had no time for me? The first message was the hardest, it was to neighbors who were invaluable when Michelle was sick and after. I closed a note to them with this: "Finally (the serious), I am lonely and am trying to pull some people in closer. You two, and (two others), are important to me and I would you all to be among those people. I know I haven't been much of a friend - I am trying to find my course notes for "Friendship 101" or re-enroll :-) I know that just because this would be good for me doesn't mean that anyone else needs to find it so." What I got later that day felt like nothing short of a triumph. It broke me down entirely (and still tugs tears): "Rob! This is one of the most amazing notes C and I have gotten, especially as a couple. We have always supported you, and will continue to- and as times and people change, so does the kind of support we need. 😊 We take your requests to heart and are here for you! We have just left for a week in Steamboat for some long awaited R&R. We want to connect with you when we get back. We are glad you have reached out." That's been the case a couple of other times now. The affirmations were so much more than they might have been. Sometimes it just feels like the losses keep piling up, and it is such good news that sometimes you can actually restore things. And that it's not too late to grow, to change, to see new ways. May your redemption also be there if you want to seek it. Take care, Rob T