daysofelijah

Since I've moved and we got engaged it seems as though NG's x has stepped up her communication with him. Some of it's about their kids which I am completely okay with. She suddenly decided to quit her job and is not going to work, so they have to figure out insurance for the kids. NG is also in the beginning stages of cleaning out his place to eventually move to my place. Now she is starting to request lots of things from the house (that was theirs, but he took over the house in the divorce). Things like raspberry bushes, bird bath, flower barrels, etc. NG gives in to some stuff, and some stuff says I want it for our new house. Then last night while we were out to dinner she starts texting him asking him to fix something on her car for her. This ended in a huge fight between him and I. I told him no, that was something he should not be doing. He says he is just trying to keep the peace for the kids. He is also the kind of guy that has a hard time saying no to anyone who asks for a favor. So after my big blow up he made an excuse to her about his air compressor not working so he couldn't do it. Learning how she is, I know there will be more requests for favors in the future though. I've never dealt with the x before. All their communication is by text. I only saw her once or twice in passing at their house (when she was getting more stuff). They've been divorced for 5-6 years now so it's not like it's recent. Ugh, learning how to deal with this stuff and not overreact is hard. I don't want to end up being the bitchy new wife, but I also want to make my boundaries about what is okay clear now, before we get married.

I'm also a teacher and generally write Ms. now. The kids all say Mrs. for most everybody though, so no big deal either way. I'm starting a new job/new school in the fall and would really like to go back to my maiden name, but it would be too much work legally so I will just stay Ms. R for now. I've had kids ask me why Ms. and I just explain that my husband passed away, so I'm not married anymore. I never really identified with DH's last name. It's one no one pronounces correctly and his grandfather "simplified" it, but in reality made it harder to pronounce, just easier to spell. So the teacher in me is irritated by it, lol. I hinted at wanting to go back to my maiden name to NG when we get married, but he acted a bit offended. His last name is a different one too, but at least it's pronounced how it's spelled so I will deal with it for him ;D

I had to start dating at about 2.5 years out (+ at least a year before that). And yes, the need for physical intimacy was basically the main reason. This coming from someone who had only ever been with my DH. So don't feel bad about that, I know how it is. The guy you are talking to sounds like the wrong one though. I did Match and lucked out and met a good guy. Good luck with finding someone who can help you and also be there for you in the ways you need. Don't settle.

Arneal perimenopause sucks. I totally get how your feeling. I started about a year and a half ago (I'm 41), I had never even heard of it before then! I have no sisters and my mom doesn't talk about that kind of stuff. So I'm learning as I go for sure. The symptoms come and go, I seem to be doing well now. But yeah the crazy emotions, irregular and very heavy cycles, and other body changes are not so fun. Getting older is no picnic, I hope your symptoms subside or at least improve! Glad to hear your son is doing better too!

Thanks so much for all your kind words. It feels good to be happy after being sad for so long. This board has been such a great resource for me, reading everyone's similar experiences and sharing my own. It's something not a lot of people understand, so I'm very thankful for everyone here!

I am catching up on all the new posts as I've been pretty busy over the last months! An update on me: I sold my house I had moved into 4 years ago after dh died and I bought a new house in a place that will location-wise make me (& hopefully the kids) much happier. I resigned my teaching position in the town I moved from, and interviewed last week for a K-5 Library Media Specialist position in my new town and got offered the job last week. It's a half-time school year position so that will be perfect for me & the kids right now. And the other big news, NG and I are engaged. He asked me about 2 weeks ago now, and I happily said yes. We don't have a date set. There's still issues with him selling or renting his house, and also with his son as I posted in another post. So those things need to be figured out first. But we are happy. I think my kids are happy for the most part, and his kids are happy for him too. I feel like things are going to be really good. I really like my new house. NG spent this weekend installing all new appliances for me, he's been such a godsend. He stays over here on the weekends, and he's here the majority of weeknights but he goes home to sleep because of his dog and his son. His house is only about a mile away so that's nice for so many things. 5 years ago I never thought I could possibly be so happy again. I am so glad I took the risk to step out and look for what I needed. It's been a crazy, emotional 2 years of ups and downs with NG, but I feel like we are in a great place and will be happy.

walking holding hands 1, no problem and do it often walking arm around shoulder or waist I don't like to do this, nothing to do with PDA, just always feels awkward to me, prolly cuz I'm short peck on the cheek or lips 1, no problem and do it often staring into each others eyes Eh, probably 1, but again not something I do, I'm old, not a lovestruck teenager, lol really kissing 5, not appropriate in public imo Sitting on their lap or vice versa 5, For a second just to be silly is fine, but actually for a long time, no, not appropriate NG is a lot more comfortable with PDA than I am. I don't mind hand holding, short kisses and hugs or sitting with his arm around me, but that's about it in public. He wanted to give me a shoulder rub standing behind me once when we were at the county fair and it just felt weird, too intimate for public for me. It took me a while to get just used to snuggling in front of the kids, and laying on the couch next to each other, etc, like if we are all watching a movie together in the living room or something like that. But I'm okay with that now, in the confines of one of our houses. NG says it's good for kids to see what a good, healthy relationship looks like. Uh, but in the back row of a movie theater let's just say we do not follow my rules of PDA. NG gets way too frisky in movie theaters for some reason, that's all I'm going to say about that

Yes to the grief counseling. It along with my antidepressants were what helped me survive. I waited 2.5 years to date again, but I also had a baby and 3 other young children so daily survival was all I could handle for quite a while. I'd tend to agree with what others have said though that it doesn't sound like the healthiest choice for you right now. Keep it at friends, do some counseling, recover and heal, then maybe in 6 months or a year things will be more clear? Best wishes for healing and clarity.

I want to run away from my 4 children most days, lol. So taking on someone else's young kids would just wear me out. NG had talked about wanting to try for a baby together, I was like WTH?, I am 41 years old, and already have 4 kids, you are barking up the wrong tree if you want that. It was really just a pipe dream though, a fantasy I guess. I know I could not deal with a guy with young kids and an ex in our life for years and years. NG's youngest has two more years in school and the more we get into talking about it, the more I want to wait until he graduates to move this forward to much more than just weekday evenings and weekend sleepovers together. I'm not patient enough with my own kids, I don't see myself being patient too long with his teen's attitude. Good for you for recognizing what makes you happy and comfortable and not giving that up.

Divorce sure seems to leave people in the financial pit. That's where my NG is too. He also spent a lot of money, or maybe more turned a blind eye to her spending in order to keep the peace. We had a serious conversation yesterday about getting married and my concerns about his financial debt. I came right out and said what happens if you die in 10 years and I get left with all your debt? That question kind of took him aback, but that is my reality. I can't just blindly run into a life with him without plans to protect my financial future for me and for my kids. I can see feeling a little bit of "resentment?" (maybe not the exact right word) for the way your NG used to buy stuff for his x, but maybe he wasn't even doing it to show he loved her, he was maybe just doing it to keep the peace and not out of love. That's how I look at NG's past. It took NG forever to buy me flowers, over a year for sure, and I even got to the point where I asked for them and he balked at it saying he'd do it when he felt ready, not when he "had" to. I think he got "bullied" or guilted into buying stuff for the x, and didn't want that to be the case with us. Now he does it more often, but he is broke and I know he can't afford a lot. He tries hard in other ways though, fixes stuff for me at my house, loans me stuff from his work all the time (tables for garage sale, free rug doctor for the weekend, etc.). He has my move all set up with moving trailers and friends of his to help with the furniture, and is all excited planning projects to fix my new house up with me. It's learning his love language like you said. He helps, gives his time and uses the resources he has, and meets my needs that way. I like to buy him stuff, his favorite mints or candy bars, pick him up a pair of jeans or a loaf of bread that he needs. He was uncomfortable with that at first, didn't like me buying him stuff. But he's learning that I like to do that for him, to show him I love him. It's working, but I had to re-evaluate what love means to me, he doesn't/can't show me love by buying me stuff. Sorry I'm rambling, lol.

BF gave me a key last summer, but that was mainly because I had to let his dog out one day, lol. He just recently started staying on the weekends, so leaves some clothes and a toothbrush here now. I have about 30 boxes of stuff stored at his house currently, but that's just to help make moving day easier since I have to move everything in one day in a few weeks. Otherwise I don't leave much there, I've only spent the night there twice and that was last summer. I never get a kid free night with 4 kids. This weekend was fantastic. Got a motorcycle ride in, he came to a family picnic with me and met some more of my extended family, and we had plenty of snuggle time. There was one weird moment on Saturday night. His son (the one I made the other post about) got into a fight with his mom and her live in BF. So NG's ex kept calling to talk about everything with him (or more talk at him, while he just lets her rail on), she called 4 times in less than an hour. He has a hard time staying neutral on things between them (X and son), but he is doing better. I've never had to deal with the X before, so it was a little window into what a nut she is!

You are absolutely right Trying. He has an older son (20) that stays with him a few days a week. When we were talking about moving in together he wanted to know if he was going to have to share a bedroom, lol. NG said he wasn't figuring him in to the equation. (Totally surprised me that he told him that). His son was a little surprised and mad to hear that I think, because since then he started living almost full time at the mom's house. Sooo many variables with all these kids!

Thanks everyone for the replies. I know very well the damage that it can do. I have 3 uncles that smoke pot regularly and none of them are very successful in their lives. I don't need to go into details, but divorce, affairs, mental breakdowns and committal are all part of their lives. So though I know it can have benefits to those who medically use it, it's not something I would condone for recreational use. Problems keep coming up with this kid. He is failing 10th grade and he's currently not speaking to his mom over petty issues, so NG is in the middle of trying to negotiate between his son and his x. Which I told him today is not his job, he is not helping at all by being the middle man. It's just getting ridiculous. I honestly kind of like the kid too, I feel bad for his situation, but he can't bring this into my home. More and more waiting the two years out is looking to be the only option for us to have a successful family blending experience. Which in reality would probably be the best decision for everyone. We will see how things continue!

Thanks everyone for sharing about your Easter's! Mine was good, NG worked Saturday, but he stayed over Friday and Saturday nights. He helped me stuff Easter eggs for my kids on Saturday night and it just made me so happy, I've been doing it by myself for a few years now, it was nice to have him there. Sunday we had dinner at my parents. It went just fine. I'm moving to NG's town in 6 weeks so I have been bringing loads of boxes over to his house to make less to move on moving day since I have to do it all in one day because of how the loans are working out. He is being very helpful, has two all the moving trailers and help to move all worked out for me. We had a little argument last night about some little things. I still have a hard time with some stuff from earlier in our relationship and my insecurity causes me to bring it up sometimes, when I know I need to just let it go. That's hard. But he is patient and wants to make things right. I have to try harder to not dwell on my insecurities though.

NG and I had a talk about this not long ago. He thought I would want to be buried next to late DH. I don't really think I will though. There is a plot available next to his grave, but it is a state away and my time in my life with DH seems so small and I anticipate being married again. NG wants to be cremated and have the ashes put in a favorite jar of his. I told him that sounds good, but I want to also be cremated and (assuming we end up together) we will have a plot together, I'm not keeping his ashes in a jar on the mantle. He seemed to think that was okay. I agree with abitlost's post above. Your wife does sound very insecure, to the point it is causing problems. She seems to be worrying about things that aren't worth worrying about. I hope she can seek some counseling or something to help her through that. Best wishes to you.

Communication is hard. I almost always let NG initiate, even two years into it. The vast majority of our communication is by text, but we see each other in person 5-6 days of the week now too. Things have stepped up in that area to the point where I'm a little glad to get a day off to myself 1-2 times a week. I'm lucky that he hasn't gone a day since day 1 without at least a good morning & sweet dreams text. I tried to take a couple days off one weekend last summer when we were having some issues but we couldn't even make it a day. Us having dealt with the loss of our spouses it's understandable that a day w/o contact can be worrisome, even panic causing. It's a hard line between needing contact and being smothering. Making your feeling clear to your NG's and why you feel that way sounds like the best way to go about it. I am typically the "needy" one in the relationship, but NG is just as needy as me as far as communication, so we smother each other, and like it for the most part, lol.

NG brought me roses last night, just because. It is nice to feel so loved, something I never really had with DH. My life is taking a big change in the next couple months. I had moved out to the country to be near my parents to help with the kids after DH died 4 years ago. I have found I despise living in the country. So I took the initiative to change the situation. I feel bad to move the kids yet again, but I think this will be good for them. Better school district, more opportunities for jobs, etc as they get into the teen years. The town I'm moving to is also where NG lives so instead of being 17 miles apart we will only be about 1 mile. It will make things so much easier and I will feel less guilty when I go out and leave the kids home. It probably looks to some like I'm purposely moving to be closer to NG, but that isn't my MO at all. It's just another benefit. Right now I am about 40 minutes away from any shopping, activities, etc, the move will bring me about 15 minutes away. So much easier. Hoping it all works out, I'm selling a house that's new with no "projects", for a house that is older and will need some fixing up. I can handle it though. I need projects and things to look forward to doing to keep me busy. I get depressed sitting here in small town USA.

Thanks for your reply abl. Yes it's very hard to have different acceptable boundaries as far as moral issues, especially when it comes to our kids. I do not want my kids to think it's okay, just because NG doesn't lay down the law with his kid. Ugh!

I don't either anymore. I dated a lot during/after college and could juggle dating a few guys at a time. But now I have no desire to do that. Luckily NG didn't really seem to know how to date either. Or neither of use wanted to play games. Our "dates" consist most of the time sitting on the couch watching tv, sometimes we force ourselves to go out to dinner or a movie. It's so different with kids though too, like you said. We've been dating 2 years and NG just started staying over one night a weekend 3 weeks ago. And sometimes I still wish he could just go home. I don't sleep as well with him in the bed, got used to sleeping alone I guess. I also worry a little about what the neighbors think to see his truck here all night, lol. I was raised sooo conservative. But so many things are different at this stage in life. Good luck figuring out how things work with you. I would love to have a kid free house to come home to sometimes.

Some of you probably know NG (together 2 years now) and my relationship has had it's fair share of issues, but things have been going pretty well for the last couple months now. He's dropping more hints about "when we live together" or "when he asks me to marry him", etc. Still wary, but I've been feeling a bit better about things. Now another situation has come up that is giving me pause. BF's younger son lives with him FT, he's almost 17. He has recently been found to be smoking pot, regularly over the past few weeks. And he doesn't seem to have any intention of stopping. Rationalizes that it's fine, normal, not addictive, etc. BF doesn't seem capable of doing anything about it, his ex doesn't have a huge issue with it, so no help there. BF is afraid if he tries to lay down some consequence, that the kid will quit school and move out. I have impressionable young kids, my oldest is almost 14. I get that kids will experiment, etc. but this is beyond my comfort zone. I will not have my kids living with his son if this is going to be a regular thing. Has anybody dealt with anything similar or have any advice? This kid has basically been spoiled by both parents over the last 6 years since their divorce because neither wants to be the bad guy. It looks like I may end up being the one who has to be the bad guy. The only solution I see right now is if this situation doesn't change, we will have to wait to get married/live together until his son graduates and moves out, which is at least two more years away. I guess that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I see him dropping out and or ending up in jail sooner than that though at this rate. He needs some rules and consequences, but I'm not the one to do it I know. I guess I know what I need to do, it's just another crappy situation in trying to blend families I guess!

This is my question too. If he is, your conversations with him are inappropriate imo. He cheated on you, remember. And if he's still married this sounds like it could quickly become an affair (at least emotionally) with you, on his current wife if you let that happen. Run away.

I can see why a pastor would not be able to do a "non-legal" marriage. They might see it as trying to cheat the system, or double dip or something? Idk, that's my thought. Still not sure on the marrying thing either. It sucks to have to think about losing dh's survivor's benefits, the insurance benefits, etc. I get if NG and I do marry. I would love to just live together for a couple, few years, if he gives me a ring first, lol. But my parents would probably die of a heart attack or disown me if I went that way. They're pretty traditional, religious types. I guess it would be their loss though if they chose to be so selfish as to do that.

Unless it's long distance (which I wouldn't do anyway) I wouldn't talk for more than a week without some indication of a meeting irl. Some guys seem to just want penpals.

I took my ring off at one year exactly. And now I've lost a lot of weight so it doesn't fit me anymore. Some day I'd like to make it into something else. I started dating at two and a half years out. I originally planned on waiting until my youngest was in kindergarten, which would be this year, but the loneliness and skin hunger just got to be too much. NG and I have been together for almost 2 years now. My kids are pretty accepting of it, my oldest had a hard time at first, but he's grown used to having NG around now. It's our new normal.

It is probably unfair to her. She can't compete with the memory of your DW. I would say you might not be quite ready to be in a new relationship. I think there's always some comparison to old partners when entering a new relationship, but it sounds like maybe you aren't ready to let someone new into your heart yet. Maybe some counseling would help? I found a couple years out that everything and everyone annoyed me to the extreme. I wasn't even ready for dating yet, it was just my kids, my family, friends, etc. I had to get some counseling, and getting on an antidepressant helped me with the feelings of irritation a lot. In the meantime I'd consider taking a break from a serious relationship. Just my opinion. My NG and I don't have a perfect relationship, but I adore him and am able to easily look past his faults and into his heart because I love him for who he is. Your GF deserves to find someone who will do the same for her. And someday when the time is right, you too will find someone who will fill your heart, just as your DW did.