daysofelijah

A few of late dh's family have met my fiance, but he never goes to their place with us. We've been together for 3 years and getting married in May. They always let me know he is invited, but he doesn't feel comfortable with it, esp. because we have to stay over since it's a 3 hour drive. I doubt if he will ever go, even after we are married. But I'm fine with it. I get how he feels. We don't go to late DH's families anymore for Christmas. It's usually just weekend after Thanksgiving and Memorial day weekend, so it doesn't feel quite as much like missing important time together.

No we do not go to late-dh's family over Christmas any more. We went over Thanksgiving for a couple days. They live in the next state (about 3 hours). I try to get the kids over there two times a year. They used to come over here once a year, but that has stopped over the last two years. They are always kind a welcoming when we come, but they have lots of other family that they spend time with, so my kids aren't really a priority. I'm not bitter, it's just the way life goes.

You can only earn about $17,000 here in MN or they start taking away $1 for every $2 you earn over the limit on my survivor's benefits. So I've always worked part time to keep it under that for the last five years. I got a new job and will be getting remarried in May, so then I will lose my benefits. I have to go in to SS and see how it will affect my children's benefits though.

patswife, the financial part is a little scary for me. I know I will lose my survivor's benefits, but I would also be getting those reduced this year for the first time anyway because I got a new job that pays more than the $16k allowed anyway. I need to make an appt. to talk to ss to see what will happen. Also I'm afraid the kids and I will lose the state health care assistance we get now. But we will make it work, I do need to find out all that info though. A little update we decided to do a small ceremony at a beautiful garden park in the larger town near ours. It will be perfect. I reserved the date for May 26th, 11:00-1:00! We can have up to 50 people, but they only allow 10 chairs. So I'm thinking it will probably just be us, the kids, our parents, and maybe our siblings & families. That should add up to less than 30 at the most, not exactly what I would have picked, but I think it will be nice. Now to find an officiant and figure out if we will do lunch after!

We are going to dh's brother's for the weekend after Thanksgiving, so my boys can hunt with their uncles. Idk, I guess I usually just say my late-husband's family. I don't really call them in-law's anymore. NG still talks with his x-in-law's and refers to them as such. But x- doesn't quite fit my situation.

Thanks everyone for your ideas and advice. We talked a little about it this weekend. I don't think he really knows what he wants and will probably go along with whatever. He likes to talk about plans, but most of the time it's just in a dreaming type way. I pull him back to reality ;D But I would like his input. In the past he's talked about a big wedding with a dance, but yesterday he talked that that wasn't really realistic. Then he started talking about taking a week and flying somewhere to get married. But I don't think that's the best plan either. Not with me having younger kids still. I asked at our regular Sunday brunch restaurant about having a ceremony/reception there, so I might call and talk to the manager about that. Or the county has a ceremonial courtroom. Or we could just do it in a park somewhere too. We will figure it out and make it a good day for us.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. And glad to hear things are looking up and you are feeling content in the situation. Your Thanksgiving plans sound nice. NG and I will spend Thanksgiving together and then I will be heading to the next state so my kids can spend some time with late dh's family. I would rather stay home, but I know the kids need time with their uncles and cousins.

Did anyone not do a wedding? NG suggested mid May to get married. I want to get married, but I have no desire to do a wedding again. If I can talk him into it, I'd just as soon have a very small, short ceremony at the courthouse or someplace small. Between us we have 6 kids. I would really love for it to just be us and the kids. His sons will be 18 and 21 in May so they could be the witnesses I think. Just do that on a Saturday afternoon and then all go out for dinner afterwards? Then have a small reception for family later in the summer maybe. My parents would probably be mad, but I've stopped trying to cater around them being mad about me not doing the right thing anymore. Life's too short.

It's a trade off. There's "good" and bad to each situation. I don't have the crazy x that I have to share kids and communicate with. He doesn't have to deal with me complaining about custody issues, or feelings of resentment or whatever for an X. But, I also have no one to take my kids every other weekend, or to be there for them when I can't, etc. NG has the X to deal with. She sometimes is irrational and asks for dumb stuff, just to be annoying and continue to insert herself into his/our life. Luckily for us, his kids are 17 and 20, so required contact is very minimal. I wouldn't be able to do it with a NG who has young kids. I just have too high of anxiety level to deal with that kind of a situation. I can understand your feelings, it's not fair either way.

It is a weird feeling. I was three years younger than DH, now I'm three years older than he ever got to be. He'll forever be 39.

I usually just buy NG clothes. He never buys himself new clothes. So he usually gets a couple Harley shirts, some jeans, new socks. Not very romantic, but he really appreciates it. He never has money to spend on that kind of stuff. Also for his last birthday he hinted at going to a country music concert, so I got tickets to the concert and we did that also.

I feel weird that I'm the opposite. I fully expect NG to die of cancer or a motorcycle accident or some other catastrophic event in the next 10 years. It sounds really morbid, but for some reason I have that expectation. And I'm okay with it. If we get 5 or 10 good years together it was worth it. And I will be okay again. And I will live the rest of my life alright without him. But I will be grateful for the time we had together.

Gosh new relationships are hard! It sounds like everyone is dealing well with things as they come. Communication is such a hard thing to balance. I think being widowed makes us more able to deal with the relationship issues after having been through so much. I don't really consider my relationship budding anymore, so I don't post too much. Things are continuing to go well. I'm enjoying things the way they are. NG spends nearly every evening here, goes to his place on the weekdays and stays over on the weekends. He spends time with my kids. Right now he's downstairs playing darts with my 14yo. I started my new teaching job, media specialist, well no kids until next week, but setting up and getting ready. I'm glad to be back to work and have something to focus on so not as much time to get lost in my thoughts. This week my schools' open house was the same time as my girl's open house, so NG took the girls to meet their teachers and do all the open house business for me. He is a great almost step-dad. No date yet for a wedding, but I'm very fine with it. NG does everything he can to make me feel loved and secure in our relationship. I'm okay to give him time to work through letting go of whatever it is he seems slow to let go of as far as his "freedom" and fear of me giving up on him like everyone else does (in his mind). I think he's getting to a better place, we are both happier. Waiting another year or two is fine with me at this point. My current stress is fighting the city to be able to put up a new fence around my backyard pool. They are making it insanely difficult. I have had to shell out a ton of money for permits, surveys, variances. And next month I have to go before the city planning commission, and then the city council meeting. All to just replace the falling down fence that is there in the exact same place. It's insanity. His son continues to cause troubles typical of a wayward 17 year old, so that is a main reason why I'm not in a hurry for them to be moving in. Oh and 17 yo started working on a mink farm, so he stinks to high heaven after work, it's bad, lol. I don't want that stink in my house/laundry room! I hope everyone has an enjoyable Labor Day weekend!

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It's good you can spend so much time with her now. I can't speak to the situation with your NG, but I hope things work out for him with his custody issues so you can both have more time to grow your relationship if that's what is best.

My marriage was far from idyllic, so I haven't done much fond reminiscing as I moved forward. I did have a couple horrible dreams near the beginning of dating NG, that LH came back and I had to choose if I would stay with NG or go back to LH.

Interesting topic. You have much more eclectic taste than I do This is the song NG plays for me all the time lately, he thinks it describes us pretty well: Greatest Love Story: I never had time for country music, but that's all Bob listens to, so it's grown on me. Other than the country I've been stuck in my highschool/college music tastes lately. I grew up on alternative/grunge, once I broke away from my parents strictly Christian music guidelines. The new pop stuff my kids like gets more and more stupid sounding these days, lol: Sheryl Crow is a favorite: And I always like a little Johnny Cash, for some reason:

I didn't really discuss it with my kids, they are younger too though. It was more or less just a fact. NG has been around them since day 1 pretty much. I never felt the need to hide him from them or hide the fact I was dating. It had been 2+ years since DH passed, so it was time. There was some resentment from my oldest at first, but now he loves having NG around for the most part.

Wow, I'm sorry for the turn of events. It sounds like his x-wife will have the run of things until the kids are older unfortunately. X's stink. Good that you can look at the bright side of the move and that it will still be a good thing for you. I'm happy I made my move and we are adjusting pretty well. I'm looking forward to the kids starting at their new school and hoping they fit in and find new friends. I hope your son adjusts well too. Despite the dealings with the x last month things are going smooth here. Although I will admit having him here every evening and all weekend is wearing on me a bit. It's made me recognize that taking things as slow as we are is a very good thing. I had a PMS breakdown this afternoon about being exhausted from taking care of everyone, and he took it as a hint to go home to his house, lol. I love him, but geez sometimes I just need some alone time. I hope your NG can make things work for everyone involved. This stuff is very hard.

My bucket list has changed some in the past couple years. I am also 41, but have at least 13 more years of kids at home. I originally had ideas that I would travel. I want to see more of Canada, where my family originally came from, Quebec, Manitoba & Saskatchewan. I'd also love to go to France someday. I would have lots of uninterrupted researching time for my genealogy habit too. I have worked on and off since high school on learning French, so I'd like to get better at that as well. But now I have NG, so my new list is to get married in the next year or two. Finish raising the kids, then we'd like to travel, get a camper and take off, or take off on the Harley for long rides wherever we want to go. Right now I'm happy here though, new house, new dream job, etc. Life is good.

My NG is taking on more and more of a step-dad role as time goes on. He shares ideas, discipline strategies, concerns with me about how the kids are parented. I know I need help, I let things slide with my kids for several years and they were very spoiled and undisciplined. I knew that, but didn't know how to fix things. NG has helped immensely. He backs me up when I tell them something, he will call them out when he sees them not respecting rules, etc. With my boys (12 & 14) he has tried to step in and teach them things I can't (guy stuff). He makes sure they are out helping when things need doing, like chores, yard work, etc. Things that I haven't made them do in the past. They balk sometimes, but 2+ years into our relationship I can see them doing so much better. My oldest actually volunteers to help out on chores and projects now. NG is trying hard to be a good "father" figure for them. With my girls (5 & 9) he has helped them see what a dad can be. They also have had a hard time with it sometimes, having to share mom, and getting cracked down on as far as the rules. My youngest had "donuts with dad" day at preschool in May and she was so excited to have NG come as her "dad". It was very sweet. It's a difficult road to navigate, there are times when I wasn't sure about what role he should take, but we talk about it and discuss how things should be handled with and what role he should/wants to take with my kids. And sometimes I see some inconsistencies with what he thinks should be done, and what he makes his own kids do so that may be an issue in the future, will have to see and address as it comes up, luckily his kids are older so there won't be too much I hope. I'm sure with your older kids there would be resentment if your NG tried to take some parent role, esp. if you aren't living together or married. So that would be concerning if he feels he has some right to do that. With your youngest I can see him trying to support you, and maybe being a good male role model. It's up to you to decide what feels right for your family and I know it's tough sometimes.

Not much over the last couple years. DH was a big Christian, and when he was dx he was sure God was going to heal him and it would be a great miracle. So in turn I feel like that blinded him to the reality of the situation that yes, he was going to die, and it would happen soon. He did not help me in planning what I should do when he died, he left no notes, no videos, no nothing for the kids to have in the future. So I am angry about that. The whole situation has left me with a bad feeling about church. Not that I don't believe anymore, but I'm not able to play the whole going to church game right now. If my kids want to go I will take them on Weds. nights in the fall, I know some of them enjoy going. Our church was very helpful during his illness and afterwards. We moved away though and I don't feel any connection in the churches I tried around here.

I had some of those ultimatums in my head for a while, not about the getting married, but about NG saying I love you. Took him a loooong time. I don't really know how to give any advice but thought I should reply. It seems like you both have made it through a lot of hard times that were inevitable, and now you are in a place where you could be happy? It may come down to you making the choice of saying, "It is what it is" he doesn't want to get married, can you live with that and still be happy? Because it doesn't sound like ultimatums or pushing is going to force him to make that leap. Maybe someday he will want to, but maybe not. Are you okay with it never happening, or are you okay with waiting until your child is much older? I'm sure these are all things that you have already asked yourself. You know my story. NG was, probably still is, not too excited about the idea of getting married again. I have made my position clear from the beginning though that marriage is a necessity to a long term relationship with me. I refused to live with him without a proposal. In some ways I nudged him into it, I suppose, but there was no forcing or ultimatum either, he is a grown man. So he made the choice if he wants to keep me and have me in his life full time, I need us to be married. You falling pregnant lost that ability to be able to stay apart from him and you were in some ways forced to make the move and leap. So now you feel stuck. More and more, the "it is what it is" attitude is entering my life. There are things I can't change so I have to decide if I can live with it how it is, or if I can't then I need to choose to make a change. Maturity is tough. You were lucky to have such a wonderful life with your DH. I hope you have find contentment in your new life as well.

Sorry I can't seem to like everyone's posts anymore. I appreciate all the comments. I even let NG read my initial post and gave him a brief summary of the responses. We have had a couple good talks since the original event and I think we are coming to more of an agreement on things. He sees that "X" stuff makes me uncomfortable and he is trying. Actually she has seemed to back off since he told her no about fixing her car. So maybe it will pass. Or maybe now that we have talked more about it I won't be so overly emotional when things do come up. He really wants to know how to deal with things the right way and not cause me any hurt. He tells me again and again that I am the only woman he wants, that he will fight for me, he would never go back to someon who hurt him like she did, etc. I need to let go of insecurities and believe what he says, because I really do think that is how things are. Like I said I have just never had to deal with X's before and he has soo much more of them than I ever had. (Another insecurity of mine). So really a lot of this is because we have so much different pasts. We are so good together though and very much in love, so I am learning to trust myself and trust him. It's hard, but I believe it will be worth it.

Thanks for sharing your experience Arneal. You made good points. NG thinks that this is all about trust and that I don't trust him to make good choices with other women. But it's not really that. There's so much more to it. I don't want her to have a part of our lives other than the necessary part as the mother of his kids. And his kids are 17 and 19, so it's not like they should need to be in any sort of constant contact. She's manipulative and knows how to get what she wants. And I'm afraid if she wants to still have a place of power in his life, she will do her best to get it. That's why I want him to stand up now and put up the boundaries that need to be in place for me to feel secure and respected. Unfortunately I blew up and it ended up taking a whole direction I didn't want to go in. Everything seems okay this morning, we had our usual morning texts and chats before his work. But I think we need to talk again tonight more calmly about it.

It seems like I end up saying "since my husband died" or "when my husband died" a lot. It's just a fact of my life, a major turning point so I use it as a point in time in conversations. But I worry that sometimes people think I say it looking for sympathy and attention, but I really am not. It just is what it is!