daysofelijah

Better to break it off now than to get your heart in deeper and more hurt. It seems some guys can just do the FWB things w/o emotions, but I don't think there are many women who can. I thought going into my first relationship 2.5 years after dh died I'd be fine if if turned into something that was just FWB, but now I know I wouldn't. And I'm so glad there is love now between us and an equal commitment. I also had only been with my dh and really, really just wanted to have sex, seriously I know how your felt. But sex w/o emotions just isn't really possible for many of us. And you don't deserve any less than a relationship where you feel equally invested, and continuing to give more of yourself to someone who has made it clear all he wants is sex and companionship is only going to hurt you more. And while you are investing yourself into him, someone else who maybe be more right for you may be overlooked because you are wasting time with this guy. Best of luck in your difficult decision.

This part didn't relate to me. I didn't get any survivor benefits until I stopped working full time. I didn't get it with my child's benefit. So, this is unclear to me. Health care for you and yours is a big deal. I pay for mine outright and just received my letter my plan is dissolving. 2nd time in 2 yrs since I went into private business and must purchase my own. That is what would lead me to work for someone again, or need to be married and get on spouse's health insurance. I have heard that my part of the survivor's benefits will distribute to the kids if I get remarried, I wasn't sure though. The health care is definitely a huge issue. We qualify now for full care and coverage through state insurance. If we lost that it could be financially devastating with how the health care system is today. I only casually sub. teach right now, but will probably be looking into a full time job in the next year. Although again with how things stand for me financially it makes more sense for me not to work. I feel like a leach on the system if I don't work though!

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I put some individual replies below. It's sure a lot to think about and my plan for us to get married next summer is sounding less like a good idea. Maybe another year of waiting and then re-evaluating would be a wiser plan. Tybec, I never thought about NG's ex benefiting from us getting married, ish! It probably wouldn't happen since he has the one son that's still a minor full time and he's already 16. Something to consider for sure though, it sounds like you are doing a good job of thinking of all the possible ramifications of marriage. Sugarbell, I hear you on the resentment possibility. I already struggle with feeling some feelings of resentment for the sheer amount of NG's debt and knowing that a lot of it was acquired trying to keep his then-wife happy. I really don't want to be the one to have to pay for that! Like you said in your second post his financial problems are the most worrysome, moreso than losing the benefits I get. SemperFi, I will look into what a marriage looks like without adding the legal aspect. I didn't really consider that that would be a possibility. It might be a good compromise for everyone involved though. Imisswidow, there's that trusting and I guess "romantic" side of me that says just take the plunge and everything will work out. I did that the first marriage though and it sure didn't work out the way I hoped it would. Trying to be more wise this time I guess, but it's not that the money is a huge deal to me, I wouldn't mind so much losing the benefits I get. I think it's more taking on his debt that worries me. Mizpah, yes you are right. Marriage doesn't matter so much to me anymore. It's more just to keep my parents happy though, I guess. My mom still has huge influence over my life right now and I'm struggling to break free from it without completely losing my parents in my life. I really think that if I "shacked up" with NG my mom would not speak to me for a very long time, if ever again. She's that serious about her religious stuff. So is losing that in exchange for NG, worth it? Idk.

I've been in a pretty happy relationship with NG for about 1.5 years now. The idea of remarriage is coming up more often, although we're not ready to jump right into it quite yet. I've mostly been the one for it, he is hesitant due to his messy divorce. I think if I suggested living together he would be jump on that idea, but due to my kids and my super religious parents I have told him I'm not the "living together type". He's known that since the beginning of our relationship. The thing is though, at least financially, I have a lot to lose by getting remarried vs. co-habitating. I would lose my portion of LH's survivor's benefits. I'd possibly lose the state insurance coverage we get, and other benefits as far as the kid's school meals, etc. Also NG is upside down in his mortgage and has a lot of debt. I own my house free and clear, and have no debt thanks to LH's life insurance. So if we get married I only stand to lose in that way. I know that getting married is the "right" thing to do, but it seems like also a stupid move for me to make in a lot of ways. Anyone have any experience with this kind of situtation? What would you do?

I think it would be wise for you to drive yourself. Go with your gut. It's not something I'd feel comfortable with my husband doing (if I still had one). That's how those things start, completely innocently, especially if you already feel some chemistry with him.

I understand. I reallly want to get remarried this next summer. We will have been together 2+ years by then. BF knows this, and sometimes he seems agreeable and sometimes he seems scared and pulls back. I vacillate between being fine with giving him all the time I need and trying to live in the moment, and the great desire to be married again, to be a "two" and not just a "one". His x-wife's betrayal severely wounded him. I work very hard at being patient and understanding. But I really just wish he would go all in and know that I would never hurt him like that. But of course I know he thought she would never do that either. It's very hard to deal with patiently sometimes, but he has been similarly patient with many of my emotional damages as well. So I go on now, knowing that it is so much better to have him in my life as things are right now, then to be alone again. I know things will work out (one way or another).

I think NG and I were both extremely doubtful of being able to love again. We both even questioned if love was ever even there in our marriages. So it's been super slow going for both of us. In fact I don't think either of us really, truly felt strong emotional attachment for each other "love?" until the last few months and we've been dating for 16+ months now. People will say if you don't feel something within X amount of months then that person must not be right for you or you are just too emotionally damaged to love that person. But I think in situations of extreme loss or in his case extreme betrayal the heart is so guarded and damaged that time and patience are so important. I could have given up on him, but I'm glad we stuck with each other because things are so good now.

Rob, the same thing happened to me earlier this summer on match. I hadn't logged in in a long time, but I was trying to help a guy friend to move on from asking me out multiple times despite me telling him I'm happy with bf, by helping him set up a match profile and he wanted to see my old profile... Anyway, yeah someone hacked my account, changed all the info, and charged a bunch of upgrades on to my account that was somehow still connected to PayPal. After dealing with the customer service, I got most of the $ back and account deactivated again. What a pain though! Hopefully I don't ever need to use match again!

I've been on and off antidepressants since I was 16 (40 now). I fine for a while I feel fine but it's always only a matter of time before I have to go back on them again. I've been on them for about 5 years now without a break and don't think I will be able to take a break anytime soon. So no good advice I guess, but I understand how you feel. I don't like always being on meds, but to function and get through life without constant emotional breakdowns I guess I need them. I had taken zoloft for many years, but switched to wellbutrin to help with the apathy and it works better for me.

My NG has been left in a bad state from his divorce. So it is discouraging. I struggle to overcome the desire to help him financially as I have been left comfortable. Always feeling the need to be the caretaker I guess. But the times I have offered to help he declines and says he needs to figure things out on his own. I know he's not after me for my money, but at the same time it gives me pause if I really want to deal with his financial mess sometimes. Everyone has some kind of baggage or another at this stage of the game it seems.

I think that putting your feelings out there right now would only cause him more stress and make him withdraw. I'd be there for him as a friend if possible for you at this time. And yes sex is great, but the situation and the feelings you are catching are probably a red flag right now, so I'd probably try to back off from that. You don't want to be the rebound off of his divorce. I've always been cautioned to never be the first person a man dates after his divorce, and not to date someone who's been divorced less than a year. Maybe sounds like silly rules, but it makes sense. His heart is still probably really crushed and broken right now and he needs time to grieve his marriage, not jump into a relationship. And you've already caught feelings so a FWB (friends with benefits) situation would probably not work for you.

I wore mine for exactly a year and took them off on the anniversary of his death. I love the rings and will hopefully make them into something else one of these days. Totally depends on how you feel, not others expectations.

The life insurance co. took forever to pay out my husband's policy. They required many papers filled out by many doctors to prove that he actually died of brain cancer and that he didn't have it before he signed up for the policy two years beforehand. Thankfully in the end they finally did, but it took them almost a year to finally pay it out. They were not fun to work with, but I am very thankful he had the policy. Hope it works out for you as well.

I agree, looking at your past posts it wasn't all because of your daughter. There were flags there from almost the beginning it sounds like he feels he isn't able to work through. He realized this wasn't a situation he would be able to handle. And he probably was mature in making the decision before things got any farther. I'm sorry you are hurt, and when you are healed will be able to move forward and find someone who is a good fit for you and your family.

I ran around catching Pokemon with my four kids all afternoon and into the evening yesterday. It was a great time until the mosquitoes forced us inside!

Is there a counselor, a pastor, someone you saw after your wife passed that you would be willing to go talk to? It just seems like this was an unhealthy relationship despite the great love you felt for this woman. And the continued breaking of no contact is making it even harder on you. Maybe someone in real life would be able to help you talk through and process the extreme grief you are having through this break up.

It's hard because losing a spouse and divorcing or breaking up is so much different. But it sounds like maybe being a little more sensitive to how it affects NG to hear you talking about your LH could be helpful to your relationship? It's hard to find a balance. I'm not afraid to talk about LH if it comes up, but I don't bring him up or make him a part of conversation with NG too often. The same way I do not like to hear much about his x-wife I guess. I asked NG to take down the family pics with his wife that he still had up in the house, maybe that was insensitive of me, but I still felt weird about them being up. He said he kept them up because it was his boy's family as they were growing up, but he also validated my concerns/feelings and took them down. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, but I can see his concern? Don't feel you have to hide or suppress naturally talking about LH, but what you said about it's his problem isn't really true. If you desire a healthy relationship with NG you should be sensitive to the fact that it does seem to bother him, and maybe talk through ways of how you feel and how he feels and what can be done so you both feel your needs in this situation are being met? It's such a hard balance, best wishes in figuring out a solution you feel comfortable with.

BF brought up if I wanted to have more kids in the first couple weeks of us dating. But that's because he for sure can't have anymore, and he wanted to be open about that before we got too close. I'm 40 and had 4 (more than I wanted, but dh wanted more) so I am more than done. It's probably something you could bring up at this point. I think it wouldn't hurt to see where he is on the idea of having more kids. I'm surprised it hasn't come up already.

I currently live in a small town. I do not date anyone from the town. I had a couple interested, but it just wouldn't work. One worked at the local school where I sub, one was the dad of my son's friend. It's just too small of a town, too much gossip, etc. My BF lives in a town 17 miles from here, it works pretty well, though I wish we were a little closer sometimes. Good luck in your decisions, I know it's tough!

I do if it's relevant. BF's dad passed away 6 years ago so I have talked with his mom about the aspects of being widowed and a little bit about how things went with my dh. She's funny though, has no problem asking personal questions. The first time BF brought me over to meet her one of the first questions she asked was if I plan on having anymore kids, lol. (NO, I have 4, BF has two, I'm 40...) She had good responses to all of the reasons why, I think she wants another grandchild. BF must not have told her he had a vasectomy, LOL! Sometimes I guess I will refer to him more as "the kid's dad" than my late husband. It's hard to always say "late husband" and "x" doesn't fit. So that's a bit weird. That's awesome you had a great vacation together. I'm still hoping to plan one.

I looked for someone the opposite of my late husband. I was unhappy in most of the marriage. I think I chose someone based more on pleasing my parents, and jumped into a marriage because of pressure that I was getting old (25 :). Sad, but true. This time around I chose someone who makes me happy.

I don't notice much myself. But I do notice for my kids. Nice old people in the store mean well when they ask/say something to my 4 year old, "Oh I be your daddy loves having such a good helper..." It's tough. But I guess how are they to know?

My kids are young (4, 8, 11, 13). My oldest has had the most issue with my dating/having a bf. I've been open about it, not hiding things. I also made it clear that BF was not going to be a replacement for his dad. BF treats him with respect, but also isn't afraid to call him on things (like disrespect toward me) so that has caused some problems. Oldest does not "like" him, but I really don't think that he would like anyone I date. He got used to being the "man of the house" over the last few years and doesn't want his role threatened. He also likes that I pay him to babysit his sisters when I go out, so he's always encouraging me to go out. It's a delicate balance with him, especially with teenage issues cropping up. We try to do some things together both with his kid and my kids. It helps for us. I know some keep their dating lives separate from the kids, but BF has met my kids since day 1 so our situation is a little different. My 11 yo son is pretty indifferent about the whole thing, and my girls just love him for the most part and crave his attention. They were very young when dh died though and don't have many memories of dad. I think as long as I'm honest about the way things are going, but also being clear that this is my choice and they don't need to give me permission things are good. I made it clear that they are free to ask any questions and express their feelings about things. We are taking things slow and being aware that the kids come first in many of our choices for the future. It's a lot to juggle. But now that I am ready, it's more than worth it to have someone in my/our lives, and I think me being happier makes life better for all of us. Good luck. I think losing mom and having a new women come in for your boys would bring on a whole new set of dynamics. My oldest still goes to counseling and that really seems to help in his attitude and emotional state. Having someone neutral, besides me to talk to is good for him.

Yes, dh was my first/only. But I was more than ready to move on though at the 3 year mark. I actively pushed for intimacy fairly early with NG (1.5 months in). He was willing to wait, but I didn't want to. The first time was "different" for lack of a better word. I almost scared him away afterwards, because I was experiencing so many emotions right after the first time. Not crying or regret, just needing to process everything. But he was patient and kind and forgiving after I more or less kicked him out immediately after. He gave me space and after a day or so of working through things I was fine. I was probably opposite of many young widows though in that dh and I did not have a great relationship and our intimate life was never what it could have been. I regretted not having more experiences before getting married.

I had that dream where dh came back and I had to choose between him and NG too. And of course I had to choose dh, but I didn't want to. Terrible dream. I hope things get better for you as you make it through this hard week.