daysofelijah

I got rid of "our" bed this last winter. I didn't need a king sized bed anymore, no babies need to sleep with me anymore which was the main reason we moved to the king sized. Also it was too weird sharing the bed with someone else besides dh. So I "down-graded" to a nice queen sized and when bf is not here I sleep right in the middle. It took a long time to get to this point though.

It is scary. I don't like to talk or think much about it either. My husband was a HUGE news watcher and always pondering conspiracies and the end of the world, etc. So I prefer to live w/o that now. It does hit too close to home though. I live in MN and my brother is a police officer in the twin cities. It's horrible that these things are tearing our country apart. Between this and the school and public place mass shootings, it is a strange, scary world our children are growing up in.

I'm sure it was hard to feel as if he was criticizing your parenting. Do you think he said it to be critical or out of care and concern? My bf has helped me see some things in my parenting that I have been lax on due to feeling sorry for my kids. I realize feeling sorry for them and allowing them to be spoiled and have lesser expectations has not served them well and I am trying to change. That's just what has been my experience so far though, hasn't led to any fights. I don't know if we've actually had a fight yet. We have a couple of incidents of me getting very mad at him, and him apologizing, but that's about it. I can recall three times, two when he let his son manipulate him away from previously agreed upon time with me, and the other when he accidently called me by his x-girlfriend's name. We don't fight much. I usually melt down emotionally and he calms me down with logic, lol.

Love all the photos. Here is us at a picnic we had this weekend.

My youngest is 4.5 and she has become the most attached to BF. There isn't the same kind of dynamic in competition with his kids because his kids are 16 & 19 yo boys. She hasn't ever had a dad either though and she definitely loves the attention she can get from him. She loves him to tickle her and hang her upside down by here feet, lol, things she hasn't ever had before. He loves to play with her, but can get a little overwhelmed by her loudness and energy sometimes. I keep firm on boundaries as far as bedtime or quiet time when BF is here so he doesn't get overwhelmed by her. He loves kids though so it isn't too much of an issue. And being the youngest of four my dd is probably more used to having to share time. I'm sure it's a tough thing. And I think you are doing the right thing by being considerate of his time when he is with his dd. Keep firm boundaries and behavior expectations when you are around him with his dd and your dd will start to learn what is expected and what is acceptable, similar to any sibling with a new younger sister. I very much hope that my children, especially my youngest are blessed with a step-dad who loves them as much as his own. It won't be the same for my older children because they had a dad, not to be replaced, but my youngest never had that. I can see it being current BF, but am also careful to put no expectations on things right now for anyone. I think/hope it could happen though!

My son didn't want to go at first. I dragged him to the first counselor and it didn't really work out. We tried another a year later (again dragging him to the first appointment) and he really clicked with this one and he enjoys going every week. Sometimes I have to say you need to try this one (or a few) times and give it a chance. If you still don't like it after giving it a chance you don't have to go again (or we can try later or someone else). Glad to hear you had a good day!

Hm, can't say I've thought about this before, but I think it's a good question. I enjoyed reading everyone else's responses. -That I moved to a new house and am doing a great job taking care of it. -That I'm really not into the church thing anymore, and struggle to find the desire to even take the kids -I swear too much now -I lost 60 lbs. and I look good. -I have a good looking, Harley driving boyfriend who treats me great. -I like country music now. -I like...love being intimate with said boyfriend. -I am completely debt free and doing an awesome job financially. -I got rid of the stupid SUV and got the minivan I always wanted. -We have no pets anymore. -I got rid of most of his stuff. -I'm much stronger and happier than I ever was.

5 is such an inquisitive age. I know my youngest is 4.5 right now and she drives us all nuts with her incessant questions. Sometimes we just have to say "Okay Eden that's enough questions right now, let's go play outside..." or something. I can tell her to go bug her siblings too, it sounds like it's just you two so I'm sure it's even harder not to have another person to help field the questions or distract and redirect. Also at that age their thinking is so concrete and specific, they don't really grasp the things like dead is forever, and there is always another why to any answer you give. Have you utilized and grief counseling resources? My kids have all had different stages in the last four years where it has been helpful for them to go talk to someone. Or there are even videos and kids books about death and grief that can give some answers. I would think your local hospital/clinic could recommend some resources, or even your public library or if you have a church you are comfortable asking.

I think it's a good idea. I know I will do it if my adult children want to live at home (if they're not going to school). My bf's 19 yo son was set to move out this summer, but he's discovered how expensive apartments are and has decided to live at home for free for awhile longer instead :

Yes my kids and I went to see it this weekend and we all really liked it. It had a good message about special needs too I thought.

((Hugs)) I feel your pain. I have never been very good at having friends and my late husband didn't want me to have friends at all. So I really do not have any close friends. I really have no clue how to make friends at this age (40). I don't fit into the married circle, I don't really fit into the single moms circle either. So idk. I tend to find that I have the best luck making friends with guys my age and a bit older. But being in a relationship right now I don't like to do that much either. I have to try hard not to rely only on my bf for my sole means of companionship. Good for you for going on the retreat anyway and enjoying yourself. It sounds like it was a really good experience for you and hopefully an eye-opener for your friend.

I guess it's all what you feel comfortable with. Knowing that you love her and seem to have become very attached, it doesn't seem healthy or fair to you anymore to have the relationship not be exclusive. If it was truly just a FWB situation originally, it doesn't seem to be that anymore. I think knowing that the person you care about is casually sleeping with others would be a dealbreaker. Explain to her that the relationship has changed and you'd like to be exclusive as far as intimacy. If not just for your emotional health, for both or your physical (sexual) health as well. If she is not willing to do that maybe it's time to move on from this relationship. Don't hide your feelings, it will only ruin the relationship eventually anyway. Best of luck, I can understand not feeling ready for a relationship, but it seems like that is what you are in now. You need to now choose how healthy this relationship will be for the both of you.

4 months seems like a short time, maybe I'd give it another few months before pressing family introductions and meeting the kids? Take the summer to keep meeting and getting to know each other, and when fall comes move things forward if he is ready. But if you feel like you need more from him sooner than that and he can't give it then maybe it's not the right fit. By what you say I think he is being honest about the anxiety. Maybe he just needs to move a little slower, but then again if it's really bad and this is as much as he can do I understand not wanting to wait around and feel like you are wasting your time on something that will never progress.

I've tossed lots of dead things with a shovel, the worst of which being a dead possum I found in the backyard that I was scared to death was just playing dead! I think you have a great plan. I don't purposely come up with things for him to do, but it is sooooo nice to be able to have a man to ask to fix stuff or carry heavy stuff or teach me how to use the weed eater, etc. Not only is it a great help to me and makes me even more attracted to him, it also strokes his ego to be able to help me with stuff! Definitely enlist your man to help you with that!

I don't have any advice, but wanted to say I think you are strong to have made the right choice for you right now. (((HUGS)))

I agree with the others that it sounds like he's not available. The advice I read consistently is to not date men who have not been officially divorced for at least a year and to not be the first woman he dates after the divorce. I think that's pretty good advice for many reasons. My guy has been divorced three years, I'm his second 6+ month relationship since the divorce. I still sometimes struggle with his emotionally inavailability and his constant need to "take things slow". I do have a little bit of a feeling of this is okay for now and if he doesn't make a move toward marriage in the next year I will have to call it off, but for now I am happy. He assures me he is over his ex and has no feelings for her anymore, but I know he still has a lot of hurt over the whole situation. I think the fact that your guy honestly admits he still thinks of and has feelings for his ex is not a good sign that he's going to be ready to move on any time soon. I'd recommend breaking it off and dating others. If he comes back to you in time, then maybe, but you deserve someone who will commit to you.

Not married or engaged yet, but heading that way. We have 6 kids between us. He has always made it clear that he wants the kids to be our priority. So in the majority of things the kids will come first. Kid functions, activities, etc. always come first before we make plans to see each other. Makes it hard because especially with kids sports, church, etc sometimes we only get to see each other 2 times a week. But also to some extent we put our relationship at a level of importance. I'm not afraid to leave the kids a couple evenings a week (oldest babysits) for a few hours to go on a date or go hang out as his house, just as he does the same. It's of course harder for me, because my kids are young and there is no "dad's weekends" to send them off on. BF is very understanding though and has never made it an issue. I will say I do have a certain, small amount of feeling, not jealousy so much, but just a little "huh?" sometimes when he won't be able to stay or can't come over because he has to do something for his kid. Like his kid will all of a sudden want him to drive him somewhere like fishing or motorcycling with friends and BF always puts that first even if it means no time for us together. It doesn't happen a lot, but he does seem to spoil them a bit. But they are both older (almost 16 and 19). So I hold my tongue and know those things won't last long, and it's something I can deal with. I know better than to say anything to try to come between or disparage his relationship with his sons. And his kids and I get along just fine so there's no hard feelings really. He has his younger son full time, the oldest lives between him and his mom, but he will be getting an apartment this summer (yay!). There's a lot of compromise with so many kids! Hard feelings at times will be hard to avoid, but it's good that you all are discussing it and aware that you need to work through how to deal with the issues that will come up.

Sorry it's not working out for you and he's not getting what the deal is. It sounds like you are getting frustrated with the things that bother you about him and that may be the beginning of the end, but you seeing it and accepting it may be a good thing for you. My NG has tons of sh*t all over his yard too, multiple cars and sheds full of crap. I do want to get married in the next year or so, but I'm gradually making it very clear to him that I will not live there. He will probably end up renting out his house because he really doesn't want to sell it. It is frustrating, but I also love him for the work he puts into things he collects. Sure he collects junk, but he also uses it and works on it and sells or trades things to get the new things he wants rather than spend money he doesn't have. That could be the difference btwn him and your guy, it sounds like your guy doesn't know how or doesn't want to work on the crap he has. Sorry he didn't listen to your instructions about the yard too!

I live in the suburbs of MN so everyone here is taking it extremely hard. It's been on the radio non-stop and our news broadcasts are all Prince. I enjoyed some of his songs, nothing that was particularly dear to me though. I went to college not far from his home. One time in we were out (a carful of girls) and the driver had the bright idea to try to get into Paisley Park. It didn't go so well and the security guys said turn right around. That's my main Prince related memory, other than "1999" being played constantly at the turn of the century. (Gosh that makes me sound old, lol).

That's awesome. I'm glad they have been so accepting of you. Neither NG or I have many friends, we're both the non-socializing type so I guess it works. I have met his mother a few times and she is very friendly towards me, and his kids have also been happy to have me around for their dad too. I look forward to the blending of our families, but also know there will be difficulties. Good to hear it's working out well for you.

I let the house go and just signed dh's name on the title when I sold his car and "our" truck. Anything else just seemed like I just needed to show a death certificate which the funeral home ordered me a big stack of (I spose I prolly paid for them in the funeral fees.) I think my car insurance went down because dh had had some speeding tickets and I switched to a much cheaper company not realizing how much we had been overpaying for years. 3.5 years later I still haven't taken his name off our joint bank account or sent in the death certificate to get his student loans discharged. I hate paperwork...

My oldest is a worrier. He worries about everything. Some times are worse than others. I know if I am not doing well he worries more. Regular counseling appointments, and making sure he gets out and does things, has friends over helps. He is a talker and I am not, I hate talking. He is so much like his father, so I have to make sure he gets outlets to talk. I agree with what you said about grief manifesting at times. This seems to be one of those times for your daughter. I am sorry you are both not doing well. I hope you can find an outlet to get through it. Maybe some counseling? Or with spring here, some activities to do together, or even some group activities she can be involved in? Maybe keeping active and busy will allow for less time to worry? I know it helps my son to keep busy and dwell less on sad things.

My four year old dd also talks about death in odd of silly ways that aren't really appropriate. I think it's partly just the age and learning what's appropriate and what's not. Like yesterday we played a long game of "would you rather..." and she said some of the goofiest things. "Would you rather die in 10 hours, or 100 days?" for example. My kids have all gone through the grief in very different ways over the last 3.5+ years. And it's a journey that I think will last forever, they have stages where they seem "fine" and then it will come out in unusual or inappropriate behaviors or emotional meltdowns. Two of my kids are still in counseling. I think you are doing a great job of staying aware of how they are reacting, noting behaviors and being open to getting help if needed. Being only two weeks out things will continue to change and cycle and rise and fall with their grief.

((Hugs)) If you are not comfortable you can always choose to delay a bit further, or do just one vax to see how things go. After my oldest had adverse reaction to his 3 month vax I did not do any more until he was 4 years. I did not do any with my next two at all until they were 4 years as well, and then only the dtap and polio. My youngest hasn't gotten any yet. Some I will eventually do and some I will not do. I'm still on the fence about MMR, but may have my 13 year old get it at his next check up if he chooses to. It's a very personal decision as a parent to make. Best wishes and I'm sure everything will go just fine, whatever choice you make.

I think since he's moving in relatively soon you should probably include him in the plans, I guess. If you want an equal partnership I'd start out with it that way, if the plans are firm that he will be moving in for the long term. That's one reason why I told NG that I will not move into his house and he will not move into mine. Too hard to let him take over an equal part of "my" house, and I would not be comfortable taking over the house he bought with his x-wife. We will buy a new house together when (if) we get married next summer (that's my plan anyway, he's still slowly getting used to the idea of having to move, and marry me before we will live together, lol).