daysofelijah

That's surprising from a 10 year old, but maybe since she has older sisters she's been exposed to more than someone without. My two oldest (13 & 11) are boys, so they haven't really questioned a lot. We've had a talk about what if I do marry NG and generally what might happen, but nothing serious as far as sex, etc. I'd think maybe your daughter feels some conflict over wanting a new "dad" figure in her life and being loyal to her dad. I know my kids did/do. NG never spends the night (dating 10 months now), but sometimes we take advantage of the time after the kids are asleep. I would guess my boys suspect more than I would think, if that makes sense. They've had the 5th grade sex talk class in school already, lol. I'm struggling with feeling like I'm stuck sometimes between being mom and being a girlfriend. It's definitely strange. I feel like its ok for me to have a "grown up" private part of my life that I don't need to feel bad about, as long as my kids needs are not neglected. Balancing the two roles is tough. NG met my kids on day 1, so I don't have advice on the introducing. I think just being honest with her and answering her questions the way you did is great. Keeping her informed on things (as much as she would need to be at 10), letting her know its ok to ask questions or share concerns, and introducing them at the right time for you all is a great plan.

I'm really not sure if I should put this in parenting or dating, sorry. My youngest daughter is 4. She was 9 months old when her dad died, so she has no memory of him. Once in a while she'll say she misses him, even though she didn't know him. She knows she doesn't have a dad like other kids do, so she misses that. Somehow we started talking about her dad and she said something about how "he shouldn't have eaten all those little things?" so he got sick. I don't know what she meant, but I tried to explain about how he just got sick (cancer), nothing he did caused it, etc. So I think she got it, at least a little bit in a 4 year old way. Then a minute later she says, "But ["my BF"] is never going to get sick." Ugh, just tore my heart out. Made me question everything I'm doing in having a new relationship. She's been starting to get super attached to BF lately and talks about him all the time, like a dozen times a day at least. Of course there's no way I can say he will "never get sick", and it just crushes me that that's something she's already afraid of at 4 years old. Sad that I can't protect her little heart more.

I like Maureen's idea too. I never sent out birth announcements (dh died when youngest was 9 months), since I was in the midst of barely making it through each day of dh's cancer treatment, but I did make sure I sent out Christmas cards. I used to send out a picture card of all the kids each year. They were the last ones I ever sent. Haven't since dh died 3.5 years ago. I would definitely send them if I were you though with your dh's name on them. ((Hugs)) to you as you go through this situation.

I'm dating the first guy I went out with since dh died so not a lot of experience, but I'm 40, lol, so I can share what little I have. BF and I met on match. Talked for a few days on the match messaging, then we exchanged #s and texted for a few more days and talked once. He's not a talker on the phone, nor am I so texts are most of our communication. We met about a week or so after first contact. He came to my house to do some work for me outside, odd first meeting imo and I resisted at first, but he convinced me. It was the middle of the day, my kids were home, and we were outside and I have close neighbors with pretty much no privacy in our yard. Our first real date was to the movies I think, a few days later. And about 2 weeks into it he asked to be exclusive. As far as sex, I had only ever been with my late dh, but after 3 years w/o I was not interested in waiting very long. I think we waited 7 weeks, he would have waited longer, but I didn't want to. I think if you're looking for a relationship I wouldn't jump into it right away, not within the first 3 dates for sure, somewhere between a couple weeks and 3 months? But that's just my opinion. Suggestive texts, no, not my guy anyway. Sometimes we'd each allude to things, but no straightforward sexting or picture sending. I did have guys message me on the dating app bringing up sexual stuff right away, they didn't get anywhere with me. We were both attracted to each other right away so the spark was there from the beginning. I don't know, I think you have to feel something by the third date for sure for it to be successful? But again not a lot of dating experience here. We were both pretty up front about expectations for things from the get go as far as looking for a serious relationship, not just casual. And both being single parents, kid stuff having to come first, etc. I started reading people's experiences on a dating forum and that surprisingly educated me a lot about things. Good luck with your dating. I hope you find someone kind and considerate and with that spark!

I'm so sorry for your loss. My LH died when my youngest was 9 months old. I think taking care of her gave me a reason to go on, to not crawl into bed and never get out. I couldn't because I had her (and her siblings) that needed me. It's not much comfort where you are now I know, but she will help you through this very hard time. One day, one hour at a time.

Absolutely, every day and then some if I could, lol. Unfortunately with 6 children between the two of us, we're lucky to find private time once or twice a week.

I'd probably just offer to take him out to dinner or something. Too soon for a gift I'd think, unless it's something small with a simple meaning, like his favorite candy or such. BF and I were only dating 2 weeks when it was his birthday last June, so I only wished him happy birthday at that point. It took a while for BF to kiss me too, third or fourth date maybe? He wanted to go slow because he wanted to make sure we were friends first before getting physical. I on the other hand after being without for three years couldn't wait and was a little aggressive, lol. He did bring up the exclusive talk pretty soon, about around 3 weeks of dating? We live close though and saw each other often though, so a different situation.

I get it. The highly publicized terminal illness of the country singers wife is constantly on FB lately. I don't know, obviously they are okay with sharing the journey with the world, but it just makes me feel icky. The whole talking about her last conversation, saying goodbye and falling into a deep sleep. The news people or article writers, whatever, make it sound sooo romantic and beautiful. It's not romantic and beautiful to watch your young spouse slowly die from brain cancer, it's just not.

My husband was sick with brain cancer for 13 months after diagnosis, but I think he was sick for a long time before that. Only we didn't know, but the changes in personality and extreme behaviors had caused problems in our relationship for years. I struggled to want to be in the marriage anymore for many years. When he got his diagnosis it all suddenly made sense. And there was and has been guilt on my part for not grieving "the love of my life" like many/most? widows. But he wasn't, I don't know if he ever was. Don't get me wrong, I did my "duty" as his wife and was there every moment I could be in support of him until the very end. I loved him the best way I could in the situation we were in. But till death do you part is where our relationship ended for me. I grieve the loss of the his life, that he never got to see his kid's grow up, and I grieve the loss of my children's father, but I don't grieve losing a partner, a lover, or a soul mate, because it never was that way for us. It's been 3.5 years now for me and the grief wanes, but it is still always there, I did love him, but I wan't really in love with him for a long time. So yes, ALD I know how you feel, and it is okay. It took me some grief counseling to get it through my head that it really is okay that I am grieving the way I am AND also moving on the way I am.

Took my kids out for Valentine's lunch yesterday at Texas Roadhouse, yum. BF came over for a bit last night and we watched movies, but then dd woke up puking at 11 so he went home early. He just texted a sweet Valentine's good morning, but not expecting much else today. It's snowing and BF has been dealing with some health issues and woke up with a migraine this morning. We'll see, but I won't be too disappointed if he doesn't make it over for anything else. I bought little heart candy boxes for each of the kids, I'll try not to eat and of them, lol. Downtown Abbey and a quiet night alone wouldn't be too bad

I can't even begin to understand your situation, but it struck me as familiar to something that happened in the last couple years to my mom's cousin. (More like an aunt to me). After years alone she found happiness with a new husband, they seemed blissfully happy, both Christians. Just the cutest couple. I've never seen her doing so well. Then her adult child got into a terrible situation, and wanted (needed?) to move back home. Her new husband resisted and did not want the child in his home, this resulted in her having to chose between her new spouse and her child. She chose her child. There was a quick divorce and now she lives with her child, supporting her through her mental health and legal issues. And she is utterly miserable to the point of being so sick, worse than I've ever seen her. I just feel so sad that her child put her in a situation where she was forced to give up her own happiness. Though I know the child wasn't thinking how their actions affected anyone but themselves in what they did at the time. I don't know what I would do in her situation. I wish she could have found another way. I fully agree with her new husband not accepting the child back though, in this situation there were extreme legal (criminal) issues. As an outsider it's easy for us to say you need to chose your own happiness first and support your children as best you can without sacrificing your new found happiness. The fact that he won't go for counseling is troubling. Not even a pastor or trusted Christian advisor? I'm sorry.

My mother-in-law has always been positive about the possibility of me having a new relationship. When brother-in-law was asking me about if I was going to have my name on the stone, and I hesitated, mil spoke up and said "No, you don't know she will probably want to remarry someday." Late dh's father died when he was a kid, mil was already divorced from him and remarried when his father did die. So pretty much every time I see the family over the last 3.5 years they ask if I'm dating (we only see them 2-3 times a year as they live several hours away). I didn't make a big deal about it when I did start dating just said I was seeing someone, nothing too serious and they were positive and supportive. Brother-in-law and his family visited last month and wanted to meet NG so he came over and we all had dinner and had a good visit. It was a little weird, but a little not, idk. Everyone was good with it. Haven't gotten a chance for mil to meet him yet, but when she does I'm sure it will be okay.

My 8 yo daughter is a very emotional kid. She has extreme trouble dealing with and working through emotional meltdowns. She's always been like this, but the loss of her father certainly has exacerbated it. She has started seeing the school counselor this year and it seems to have really helped.

I don't think your wish for two living spaces is crazy Captains wife. It doesn't sound all that bad to me. BF and I had a planning conversation about how to combine our families and while I think it will all be worth it in the end, it sounds scary and so much work and unknowns and disruptions for the kids. He really wants me to move with my kids into his house, the house he bought with his x-wife 20 years ago. I told him under no circumstances would I do that. I'm willing to move to his town, but my condition is that we buy a new house. So I left him with that to think about for now. I've grown comfortable in the last 3.5 years "alone". I like being able to make life decisions by myself, pay my bills, buy things when I want without asking someone, go to bed when I want, watch what I want on tv, sit on the couch and zone out on the computer all day if I want to, stuff like that that. Getting remarried will change all that. It will also be a huge change as far as privacy. Living with his two teenage boys will be a change in how comfortable I am in how I do things (walking to/from the bathroom with just a towel on, taking off the bra at the end of the day, stuff like that, lol). So will it really be worth it? Worth the change and likely resistance from our kids? Idk, it's a lot to think about. I think the longer I stay single though, the harder it will be, so waiting for me would probably just make things even harder. I can see myself staying single, moving into a small townhouse and traveling places I've always wanted to go once the kids are grown. That doesn't sound all that bad, but it would be lonely.

I like how you put that. NG and I are much more givers, and I think we were both married to takers. It is so much more comfortable this way.

I don't talk a whole lot about him. Occasionally I will say something in a memory or some fact that was a part of having children with or being married to late dh. I think NG tries to be comfortable with it, but I can tell it's a little hard for him. So I try to keep it at a minimum. At the beginning it was hard for me to hear at all about his x-wife or other past relationships, now that I'm more secure in our relationship I don't mind as much hearing about it. He doesn't talk overly much about it either though. Sometimes I feel like I should ask him more, but I suppose it will come with time.

My situation started a little odd. NG and I met online, but the first time we met irl he came to my place to do some work tilling my garden for me. It was all his idea, he thought it would be a perfect quick first meeting, and I wouldn't have to get a babysitter. Considerate, yes, but I really wanted a date, not a gardener, lol. So I resisted at first, but it turned out okay. He came over did the work, and then sat and visited with us for a few hours. He said he was just going to be there to do the garden, and then he had to leave, but he must have liked me and stayed so long I was the one hinting that he had to go. So he actually met the kids the same time I met him. He's always been insistent and understanding about the kids coming first. I met his sons (15 & 18) pretty early on too, maybe 6 weeks in? Though that was more just in a passing, quick introduction while meeting up at his place before we went out. Being in our situation with 6 kids between us, and mine being so young, the kids are involved in almost everything we do. So all along it's been pretty perfect. His younger son has gone on a few "family" events with us and it's been good.

Yes I changed it to widowed a few months after he died. I've never had anyone comment on it or creepers. I've been dating NG for 8 months and he brought it up one time a few months ago. He wanted to know what my FB status was for some reason. I told him still at widowed and asked if he thought I should change it. He said it's up to me, whatever I'm comfortable with. He doesn't have a FB account. If we ever get engaged I will probably change it.

There's a way to put their FB page onto memorial status. That's what I did a couple years ago. That way people can still visit and post on their page and see his old posts and pictures. But you won't get updates like if it's their birthday, and you can't log into their account anymore.

My NG is Catholic and I'm evangelical. The church differences are pretty huge. He jokes that my church is a cult, lol (rock band, coffee bar, very casual). He really doesn't get how things work in an evangelical church, and the beliefs really are very different, imo. He doesn't actually attend mass anymore though. He accepts that I go to church (though I'm not a real regular attender lately) and that the kids should go. I don't pressure him to go to church at all. His teenage son has started going to youth group at my church though, on his own initiative. If we were to get married we probably wouldn't be able to have a church marriage either since he is divorced. It wouldn't be a big deal to me, I had that once, don't need it again. I've become rather disillusioned of the whole church lifestyle in the last few years since dh died. My grandparents went to different churches their whole marriage. He was Catholic, she was Lutheran. They made it work and were happily married for 50 years.

Hi and welcome. I've been through many times of feeling how you feel. Some days I still do. The feelings of grief or the loss of what should have been is always there, sometimes more prominent then others, but it never seems to go away completely. Especially with kids, the guilt or feeling that I fail them in the loss of their father is something that is overwhelming sometimes. It's okay to feel that way, to feel sad and hopeless. It's a valid feeling. In the last year I found help in individual grief counseling and honestly a good anti-depressant. Exercise and keeping busy also helps me. I have always struggled with having and maintaining friendships and my situation makes it nearly impossible to find someone who can relate. So I definitely know how you feel. I hope things can find a way to improve for you, but also know you are not alone in your feelings and they are valid no matter how far out you are from your loss.

I'm sorry for your pain. Wishing you comfort and healing.

Thanks for sharing everybody. I say boyfriend in some conversations or guy friend. When introducing I think I've just said "this is my friend, B." It's a given that he's my "boyfriend" in all the situations where I've introduced him so far. He happily tells people that he's my boyfriend.

Great thread! I've worked very hard on getting healthy again since Nov. 2014. I topped out at a depressing 204 lbs. at that time. A not so happy marriage, PPD, and then late dh's sickness/death put me into a horrible state. I decided I'd had enough and started calorie counting, got a fitbit and put in 10,000 steps each day. So in the last 14 months I've lost 67 lbs. almost to my goal of 128 lbs. I'm only 5'1" so that will be a healthy weight for me. Christmas gave me a bit of a hiccup, but I'm back on track now. With winter here in MN, 10,000 steps is hard, so for now my goal is at least 5,000 and 20 minutes on the treadmill 4+ days a week, and stay under my calorie goal. Hoping to hit my goal by May. Good luck to everyone in their goals!

Good news, thanks for sharing. I also think saying I have a boyfriend at 40 years old sounds silly, but I guess that's what he is, lol. Man friend, guy friend? I guess boyfriend works