daysofelijah

Wow, I don't like the tone of the author in that article at all. She seems pretty rude to the deceased wife, but I guess she is venting. And if your wife finds commiseration in it that's good you encourage her in that outlet. I think since my marriage was troubled almost since the beginning, it's easier for NG. He doesn't have me clinging to memories of happier times with my DH. And also I do not live near where DH and I lived so there aren't constant reminders. But I still see insecurities in NG sometimes when he asked more personal questions about my relationship with DH. There are other hard things though, like, I have four kids and I NEVER get a break to go on an overnight or such. There's no every other weekend break for me like many single/divorced moms get. I know that's a struggle for both of us. I wonder how it will change when/if NG and I marry. I think the hardest will be for my older kids, to accept NG as a stepdad. Not that they don't like him, just a big role for him to step in to. I hope things get easier for your new wife. Communication is so important.

I changed mine to "in a relationship" this summer and posted a pic of NG and me for my profile. I had a couple of unwanted advances from some guys I was "FB friends" with so that helped take care of that. Plus everyone was all over the moon happy for me. NG doesn't have a FB account anymore, so I'm glad of that. I have a love/hate with FB and all I usually use it for now is my genealogy and translation groups. Only lately have I gotten more comfortable saying BF, and he will call me his GF more often. It still sounds a little weird. And for nicknames he mostly calls me my name or babes, I didn't care for babes at first but its grown on me. I usually call him his name or love or sweetie. DH and I always called each other honey and seldom by our names, so I've tried to stay away from that one.

Hope you were able to enjoy that dinner and some time together with your guy arneal! Valentine's Day went real well for us. NG has been doing a lot better the past couple weeks, though I'm still understandably very cautious still. He got me pink roses and wrote me a really sweet note that included a cute country song with a box for check "yes" or "no". I've never gotten cute notes like that from anyone. Valentine's isn't something he gets into, so I appreciated his effort even more. I just gave him a cute card and some chocolates. I tend to go overboard on gifts so was proud of myself for just sticking to that this time. He offered to take me out, but I wanted to stay home for the kids and avoid the crowds. So he grilled steaks and we had a nice dinner and time together after the kids went to bed. Probably the best Valentine's I've had in maybe forever.

Everything was legally mine and our kids as far as all his belongings, and there was no will. I offered his brothers some of his tools and guns, but they said to either sell or keep for my boys. I also gave his brothers the things that had been made by DH's father. I have some old pictures I still need to go through (4.5 years later) and offer to them from days before DH and I met, but I kind of doubt they will want them. The money from life insurance and all that, I never considered giving to anyone since he left me with a lot of debt and 4 kids. I know his mom and sisters would have jumped on any money if I offered, but I didn't feel obligated to. We do not live in the same state and I make an effort to get the kids to see them 1-2 times a year, but that's about the extent of our communication now.

The dog thing is funny. I'm on the opposite side. BF has a big, hairy, spoiled 80 lb. dog. I tolerate him and try to be nice, but being pet-less for the last 5 years has made me less accomodating of them. Dog thinks I'm great though and is always trying to snuggle, sniff, and love on me. I don't know why. BF says he just wants me to like him, lol. I hate that the dog is allowed everywhere though, on all furniture and sleeps in BFs bed. Yuck, but again I tolerate b/c I know BF loves that darn dog.

I am feeling a bit better after this week. I had a counseling session for the first time in about 3 years with the counselor who helped me get through some grief stuff. It went well. BF got the paperwork turned in and has a counseling appt set up for the week after next. We had a big talk on Monday where I laid down some things that were not acceptable that were going on (drinking too much, complaining and dwelling on all the negative constantly) and he's made an effort this week to improve. So I'm a little more hopeful. We had a really great night together last night watching movies and cuddling+ in bed, and that is something I really cannot let go right now either. I need the connection I have with him that way. DH was my first and only, and it just wasn't good, it was something I avoided as a chore. With BF it gets better and better even 2 years into things, he's taught me so much about what it means to make love, not just have sex. Even if we don't work out long term I will be forever grateful for that.

Thanks everyone for sharing. I'm still limping along with BF dealing with his depression. I've worked hard on getting him to a better place, but it's very slow going. I've made up my mind to give it until March and then make a decision on whether to continue or not. You'd think after going on 2 years together we would know each other more deeply. I felt like we did, but so many things have come to the surface in the last two months. I realize there is so much we don't know about each other, and we have to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. Maybe because we are past the "honeymoon" period? I married DH after only 6 months of knowing him, and that was a huge mistake. So I am glad to be going at a better pace this time. He also finally shared something with me, that he had a short 3 month relationship with a married woman before we were together. And that has been a shocker and something I don't really know if I can get past. I just feel so disappointed and disgusted with him about it. Obviously he says all the right things now and shows me he regrets it, but to have such low moral boundaries, idk. We've gone over and over and over it though over the last month, so I need to decide if I can forgive and move past, or if it's a deal-breaker for me. I'm still not sure. So yeah, this relationship stuff is pretty rocky right now. A big part of me knows it would be more healthy for me to move on, but then a big part of me loves him and I know he loves me, we need each other, we are good together. Ugh.

My oldest son, 13.5, has been seeing a counselor for 3 years now and continues to go. It has benefited him tremendously. My dh died just over 4 years ago. It was hardest on him. I had to force him to go at first, and we had to try a couple different counselors to find a good fit. Now he keeps going because he likes to, I don't have to force the issue. My 12yo son hasn't seemed to need to, but I wonder sometimes. He's the quite type, but I see anger coming out more as he is hitting the almost teen years. My 9yo daughter saw a counselor for about 2 years, just stopped recently. It also benefited her hugely. Helped her learn a lot about how to deal with her emotions.

Wow, I'm sorry that happened to you. It's good you went with your gut and found out the truth. Definitely do no contact and move on, it's so tough.

Glad you are okay, darn reindeer! We had really odd weather too for Minnesota. Rain, sleet and thunderstorms all day yesterday, and blizzard like winds today. The girls (5&9) were convinced the tornado sirens were going to go off so they spent the night in the basement, lol.

Thank you Maureen for sharing your experience. I'm afraid that that is where he will be, stuck and unable to move anywhere forward, content to just be in a monogamous relationship, but still keep a lot of life separate. That won't work for me much longer though, unfortunately. I'm not sure about couples counseling? It might be worth looking in to. Christmas turned out okay. We're limping along. He did give me a beautiful diamond heart necklace, and he was happy with the Harley stuff I gave him. I had to be a little firm with him Christmas Eve morning that he needed to stop the negative self talk, and try to put on a happy face for the day so he didn't ruin it for me/my kids. He did pretty well. Yesterday we stayed separate and spent time with our kids. One day at a time right now I guess.

They can, I think everyone probably has different experiences. I took zoloft back in highschool and it worked okay. I found when I tried it again as an adult I didn't care for the side effects. My BF is also taking zoloft right now and experiencing a lot of side effects. I've taken antidepressants the better part of my life, and think I will continue to for the foreseeable future. I settled on Welbutrin and that one works well for me with little long term side effects. It's sometimes just a matter of finding the right one and the right dose that will work for you. Best of luck with finding something to help you. Don't be afraid to talk to the doctor about how it feels and to make adjustments if needed.

Thanks everyone. He asked me to come over last night and we spent some time together. It's definitely depression because the stuff he is saying isn't even really making sense as far as why he is so sad. He thinks he's a failure, etc. Nothing even to do with "us" really. So for now I guess I just support him and be patient. I'm willing to do that and give him some time to feel better, not indefinite, but for now I can. I guess it's just another bump in the road.

Mizpah I'm sorry your going through this too! Though it is good to hear I'm not alone in this kind of situation. It's such an extremely hard position to be in. I totally get how you feel you are at a stalemate, lose/lose position. He got his heart tore out, crushed, and stomped on by his cheating wife and now he's so damaged he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to completely trust again. And it doesn't help that two couples we know closely have marriages that are being affected by affairs right now. It's just driving him further into his cave.

Thanks Serpico and Trying. I think there is an element of seasonal depression for him here. He actually brought up the possibility of getting himself some counseling to figure out why he feels paralyzed by the thought of moving forward in his life. I also gently suggested yesterday that maybe a different antidepressant med would help. He made the step to go to the doctor and they are changing up his prescription. So I am proud of him for doing that. I made him feel in our conversations this weekend that I was giving him an ultimatum "either get me the ring or walk away" is what he said. I didn't feel like that was what I was saying, but I see why he felt that way. I need to at the very least see him through the next couple weeks while he works on trying to get the depression element figured out. He's helped me through a ton of emotional sh!t, so I will absolutely be there for him, if he'll let me. If I leave him now, even though he's pushing me away, I know he will just crawl further into the cave he's hiding himself in. It's hard to know how to love someone through something like this. He keeps saying he needs to figure things out alone. I know guys do that, where as women/moms we want to talk through everything and find a solution right now!

Sorry for the vent, but just wanting to put my thoughts down. BF and I have been together for going on 2 years now. He's always wanted to move slower than I liked, but I've been patient and learned to let things progress slowly. It took him a looong time to even say "I love you". But things the past few months have been really great, and we seemed to be moving forward. I thought we were moving in the direction of getting married or at least moving in together this coming summer. I in my foolishness apparently thought a ring would be forthcoming for Christmas or New Years. This last weekend things came to some kind of strange halt and are crashing down around us now. I let my expectation of how things were progressing out Thursday and we talked more about it Saturday, and he has immediately back tracked and shut down. He denies that looking at houses together, and planning for the future with our kids. He has even been negotiating his son who lives with him about how us moving in together would work. He denies that any of that really meant anything and has all but shut me out since Saturday. He says he's scared to death to do anything right now, and can't tell me if he will ever be ready to. I'm trying to give him space. I'm willing to call it quits and move on if that's what he wants, but he doesn't want that either. I guess he's happy with how things are, but I don't know if I can be anymore without expectations. I'm lost on what to do. I don't want to give up on him, I love him, and I feel like we need each other. But I know I will be fine if I move on too. I'm just so confused how he seems to have completely backtracked on what I thought was happening. There's nobody else, he really just seems to have emotionally froze and locked me out. This relationship stuff is not a lot of fun right now. And I thought things were going so well until a few days ago Now it looks like I might have to start all over again.

It sounds like you are doing a great job! This will be our second Christmas together (dating), but because of our kids we don't get to do a lot together. I will be having BF over for Christmas Eve dinner, and I invited his son (16) but he would never come. I wish he would, but while we get along just fine, he doesn't have a desire to get involved in my family. Understandable at 16 years old I guess. BF also has an older son (19), but he also wouldn't be interested. It's hard having kids at different stages. And I don't get to go to his family Christmas, because really I can't expect his extended family to be expected to welcome me AND my 4 kids, at least not before we get married I think. And I would never leave my kids on Christmas to go to his families, of course. This blending stuff is tough. Best wishes for a great Christmas for you!

I had to get into some counseling to see that being happy was even a remote possibility for me. I had this mindset that my life would be lonely drudgery for the next 15 years at least until my kids were raised. The counseling combined with some great antidepressants made me see that I was worthwhile and deserve a little happiness. I worked hard on me, lost 60 lbs., finished the license I had been working on before dh got sick, and yes put myself out there and started dating. I don't have any social hobbies, and I don't really have any friends to speak of, so I don't have that to find happiness, those things just give me anxiety. I love just sitting home and doing genealogy and learning stuff on my own. Maybe someday when I have more time I will try harder to step out of my social anxiety, but I've found some happiness in where I am now. And I'm good with it. Also I know in my heart thought that I am fine alone now. I will survive and even do well. I'm strong and deserve to be happy. NG adds to my happiness, but I know I don't NEED him. If he and I don't work, someone else will come along or I'll have a good time on my own, lol. But yeah I understand how feeling like you need a significant other makes it hard to be happy. I also find keeping busy makes it easier to stay happy and not dwell on my anxieties.

Reading the first post I though, Ah no, too soon!, but in your reply I see you mean this to take place in a year and a half down the road. It's a long way away and it seems like there's a lot of outside influences in your NG's life that might cause things to change in his life and your relationship. I'm a planner too, so I know how you feel. But I wouldn't hitch my hopes on it all too soon. It's fun to dream and plan a new life though, just be cautious. But yes if your reasoning is more than just to be close to your NG, which it sounds like it is, I'd say go ahead with starting to make the plan. See what life and finances and schooling and job, etc. would look like. Your son will come around. Moving is hard, but kids are resilient. You've got enough time to introduce the idea slowly and point out the good things a move could bring. It will be two years with NG for me in May. I will be moving this summer to his town (just 17 miles away). I'm making a bit of a leap because I don't have "the ring" yet. I think it's coming, but not entirely sure. If it doesn't though I'm still moving on my own accord. My main reason for moving is that I moved to this small town from a big city after dh died for help from my parents. It was what needed to happen at the time I guess, but I am not cut out for this place. NG's town is the place where I should have moved in the first place, and had considered it four years ago, but didn't due to financial stuff and cluelessness about what my life would look like after dh died. I hate the small town life and need to get closer to a big city. NG's town is midway between where I live now and the nearest bigger city. When I get a job, this will allow for a lot more opportunities for me, and also in the future for the boys as they start to look for jobs and think about life after highschool. This is my main reason for this move. I will move whether or not NG chooses to become part of our family. I've made it clear to him that the choice is still his and I'm not moving in an effort to corner him into a commitment he's not ready for. And I already did the pick up and start a new life thing, my kids as well of course. So I know it will be a good thing for us. They are not opposed to us moving, or to the likelihood of NG and I getting married/living together. I still haven't worked out the remarriage logistics either. I need to talk to a lawyer or something soon. So that's my story, kind of sound's similar to yours Best of luck in your decision! It's hard being a single mom having to make all the decisions and hoping you're making the right one!

I do not initiate. I'm pretty old fashioned that way. Even now after 18 months together he still does probably 80% of the initiating on our conversations, dates, getting together etc. That's the way I prefer it and he has been good with it too. Right from the beginning I've made it pretty clear that I expect him to do the majority of the leading in the relationship. I do however pay equally, in fact I probably pay a little more when we go out. Because of our vastly different financial situations. So I guess I've allowed myself to be a little more progressive that way. But we don't do things that he can't really afford. No expensive dates, concerts, or big trips, and that's fine too, we're both homebodies, so it works. What with 6 kids between us, there's not a lot of opportunities for fancy dates or trips away anyways. I don't think a more equal amount of initiating would show a lack of standards though. Just what different people are comfortable with.

Okay I stand by what I said then. Keep this woman at arm's length. It's all about appearances right now to your wife's family, and to the appearances of the in-laws it's inappropriate. It sucks being a single parent to four kids. Believe me I know. Them giving you shit for leaving your kids with your 17 yo to go out is not right, but if they're already watching you this closely, be careful. I highly doubt they could legally do anything, but they can make your life miserable trying. (I leave my 13.5 year old in charge a couple times a week so I can go spend time with BF, so no judgement from me on that point.)

I thought you had mentioned having inappropriate thoughts and conversations with her in your other post. Or was that someone else?

Idk all the details, of course. But I'd take a step back from getting involved with this new woman so fast. It is your life, but jumping into inviting the woman to stay with you for thanksgiving a month after your wife has passes is going to look bad to everyone around you, not just the in-laws. I get you maybe don't care at this point, but think of how it will reflect on your kids and how they see what your relationship with their mother meant. Slow it down and take some time to grieve. Just my opinion. I'm sorry for your loss and trouble with the in-laws.

My dh absolutely loved politics. He'd watch his news channel for hours upon hours. He'd have loved watching this election season. I know what you mean. It is very sad that he is fading away and everyone is okay. Life has gone on for everyone, and he will be a very little part of any of it but occasional fleeting memories. Very bittersweet.

I like the "till death.." part. Because that's what I did the first time. That's what I will do the second time as well. I admit I have a certain amount of pride in being able to say I did that, and will do it again. But it's your vows, so do what feels right for you!