Portside

My status of "widowed" was in my online dating profile so, for me, that information was known by all of the women I went out with right up front. I don't know, maybe just play it by ear and when the subject of previous relationships comes up with NG, and it will if you go out a few more times, that may be the right time. I told my late wife's parents I was dating soon after I started. I had a very positive response from them. Good luck, Mike

Hi Sara. So sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. I know this sounds flippant but as to what to do: Keep looking. It can take time to find a suitable therapist and, as you have seen, not all of them are a good match for you. Continue to search and then meet with any and all that you think may be helpful. You'll know when you find the right guy/gal. Also, ask everyone you trust - one of your friends may be able to suggest a good candidate. But keep at it and don't give up. There will come a time when you break free of your dark place and all the effort will be worth it. p.s. - I not sure if I am reading you correctly but all meds do not change your perception of the world around you. If carefully chosen, the right one could help you handle your world - not change it. Good luck - Mike

So sorry to hear of the passing of your late husband. Wow, lots to unpack here. As background, I had four sons when their mother passed - two of them a bit older than your D, but still needing before/afterschool care. I traveled out of town for work, every week, so child care was the top item on my list to take care of. I'm going to get right to it - as you'll see, I'm a pretty blunt talker. It seems unreasonable to me to ask your ILs to help with the daycare bills in this circumstance. It sounds like you have looked around and made your decision as to what is a good/safe/whatever place for DD but the cost is beyond your means. The solution at the top of your list is to ask for financial help from others. Not optimal in my book - here's why: ILs or any other folks really that you ask for financial help from had no input into the choice yet, you want an outside party to pay for your choice(s). In my world and circle of family and friends, that's not a path to success. You state you want 'DD to get all the benefits of the better schools and life here' without having the means to accomplish it. So, you are making choices that you cannot currently afford. In my view, this is an unreasonable outlook - you're 30 yrs old - while it will be very difficult to pull this all together, you can do it and your daughter, and you!, will be better for it. I had many of the same issues and concerns you do but, my response to this crappy state of affairs was to cut all of my personal expenses to the very bone; and work my ass off to stitch together a patchwork of decent care for my boys while I had to be at work. I gave up my advanced schooling and continued to live in the shithole home I was in because money was tight. All my family (seven sibs and all four grandparents) lived far away and could not help out. I wouldn't have dreamed to ask anyone to help pay my way out of that mess. Hard work, self-reliance and persistence is the way to beat this. My children grew up to be well balanced, well adjusted, responsible, hard working young men. Just one man's opinion. Good luck. Mike

I have not BUT, to me, it's not just a widow/widower related issue. What I mean is, if one is failing in some area of parenting, no matter what circumstances that person is in, isn't it a proper role of a good friend, relative, or, if you are REALLY screwing up, the role of CPS to help one see it and help as much as possible to get that parent back on the right path? Without a doubt, there can be hell to pay. Part of my family is going through this now - no one likes to hear they are messing up. But if you don't say something the poor parenting may not be corrected to the detriment of the children. Good luck, Mike

Jane, sadly, yes. She was so thrilled just six short months ago and now this.

Truth be told, it will probably fade. To be sure, he may have one or two memories that remain of his father, but I'm afraid there may not be many more. Even if you talk about your husband very often, those will be your memories that you are imprinting on your son. You can show your son pictures or vids of the two of them together - that may help. But I'm not sure what can be done to have him remember the greatest portion of his interactions with his Dad. He is pretty young. Good luck Mike

Well, you didn't ask for advice but, me being me, you shall get some. Yes, your feelings are, in this case, your issue. Let's look at the facts of the case; You were hurt by NG not coming over. NG tried to come over but accidentally fell asleep. NG further knew you were hurt, scared, or uncomfortable by his absence. NG called and apologized to try to make it right. Mountain, meet molehill. Please, just let it be and try to quit worrying about worrying. Best wishes, Mike

Hi Mizpah - I have not spoken directly with her for a while but, honestly, she is just fantastic. No kidding. I have never seen a person visited with such a monumental loss be so level-headed and energized to work a cause (eradication of domestic violence). She has made the decision to return to the home that the girls were murdered in and redo it and fill it with love and remembrance. She is in no way taking part of any denial, just simply has put her head down and will muscle through this heartbreak. She had a painting party last weekend and she and her friends completely painted the inside of the house. Kate is determined to not let this horrible occurrence take away the rest of her, or her son's lives. She is thriving and has taken steps to become an outspoken advocate of all (men and women) who are caught in the snare of violence and abuse. She has asked a number of the ball players of the Green Bay Packers to donate their autographs so that the money can be used to further the cause. I think they had a signing party today. I have known a number of tough guys and gals over the years but Kate is unstoppable. I should be so strong. I won't go into the details of what happened but here are a number of links: https://www.wearegreenbay.com/news/local-news/small-city-big-heart-seymour-locals-help-with-memorial-fundraiser/1945656488 https://www.wearegreenbay.com/news/local-news/three-reported-dead-in-seymour-home/1938468423 She has the heart and courage of a lion. Mike

You may or may not be a bitch 😁 but that has nothing to do with going/not going to the birth. LOL I don't think you are obligated to go. I don't attend functions when I disagree with other folk's celebrations or the lunacy will just be too much. I wouldn't go. If you do, you will be sucked into a shit ton of his family drama that you already know you detest. Mike

Since your husband died without a will, the intestacy laws of the state where you reside will determine how your husband's property is distributed upon your death. This includes any bank accounts, securities, real estate, and any other assets he owned at the time of death. I am assuming the house did not have a TOD (transfer on death) clause and then that is why your son will have rights to part of the estate. Again, this depends on your state's laws. Not everything will need to go through the probate court - it depends on how the individual assets were set up initially. Since this is all new to you, I'd suggest hiring a attorney. It will make the process less painful than it would be otherwise. Even though I have a will, none of my assets will need to go through probate. But, this is not your situation. Good luck - Mike

It is my unhappy duty to report that one of our members of the old board has suffered a catastrophic loss. Her 3 month old and 3 year old daughters were murdered during a domestic violence incident. https://tinyurl.com/y4q8cycz Our friend is doing well, all things considered, and has fully given herself over to her unshakable faith. Your prayers for her and her, her daughters and remaining family are very much appreciated. Mike

Bubu27 - I certainly don't believe this life is the be all and end all. Further, I don't believe that we are reunited with our spouses after death - not in any sense we can understand. Assuming we are in heaven, I think it is more like we love all, and they love us, equally but on a level that we can't conceive of. Of course no one knows certainly but I'm comfortable saying I'll bet it's a realm so good and wonderful that we can't possibly imagine it. To love deeply everyone is only one of the many, but very important, features in my mind. :)

Without a doubt, this all is huge mess - perhaps I may be able to shed a small measure of understanding as I have lived through it myself. My wife shot herself while me and my boys, age 8 and 9, were out of town for the weekend. Everyone knew she was mentally unstable, she did too, but nothing was able to help her even though we all did all we could to nurse her back to a healthy mindset. She set up the situation in such a fashion as to guarantee my youngest would find her body. He did. What healthy person does that? As hurt and shocked as I was, I, like you, was most concerned by how the boys would handle all of this and how would their lives unfold without their mother. It consumed my thoughts for months. I won't go through the litany of trials and ups and downs but I will cut to the chase: with your son's (and your's!) tender care, your grandson will be okay. Oh yes, it will take time. But with piles of love and patience from both of you, he will turn out to be a fine young man that suffered an unspeakably tragic event. As to understanding how she could do this - the sad fact of the matter is there is no understanding. All of my late wife's doctors and even the coroner stated repeatedly - a suicidal person will always find a way, if they are committed, and normally balanced folks will never understand the mindstorms of the truly afflicted. We just can't. I pray in time you will find peace with this. PM me if you like. Best wishes - Mike

How sad. I didn't know Michael but I'll say a little prayer for him and the repose of his soul.

W40 - it's awfully early in the process for you but the answer to all of your questions is "yes, it can be done". Getting the kids back to happy you can do by, over time, simply being a good father. Listen to the kids and help them as best you can when they need it. Of course, it is heartbreaking to see the kids all tore up. But it will pass given time and careful nurturing by you. Building a happy, productive life after an earth shattering event such as this is doable even if right now, it seems out of reach and impossible. The biggest thing you can do for any recovery, but particularly the death of a spouse, is to approach each day with as positive outlook as you can muster. Even if the day is one of those "well, today sucks" days, if you can try to keep in mind tomorrow will be better, you are half way there. Eventually, a happy outlook can possibly lead to another happy marriage. Single women love emotionally available, decent, kind, generous, honest, happy men who are ready to form a loving, kind romantic relationship. It's probably too soon to delve too deeply into that right now though. But it is more than possible. Don't lose hope my friend. :) Mike

Sorry you are finding yourself in a continuing storm. Is there anything one of us can do to help? Mike

Ugh. :( My condolences. My Dad passed shortly after my wife and I helped my mom finalize things. We would have those talks about each of us being widowed - it was comforting in a way. Mom died about 3 years ago - I had to settle up her things then - one of my sisters was a huge help. My fil passed in August, my wife and I took care of his things too. As far as the household goods and things - take a deep breath and dive in. Try to not obsess over every item, they are just things. Give away all you can to family, friends and then perfect strangers - trash the rest. For the financials and whatnot, try to act decisively in accordance with your Dad's wishes. It's a process to be endured just try to make a little progress every day. It will eventually get done. Good luck and sorry about your Dad. Mike

I had four boys when my wife passed - the youngest were 8 and 9. I suppose I was lucky - I think I was in hard grief for only a week or two or three. My wife's death was a surprise but was not unexpected. The boys and I started to rebuild rather quickly after all the hoopla of the funeral and all that. It was hard at first but you do what you have to. What was my choice? To crab and kvetch about my lot in life? Nah, not for me. I'm 12 years out or so - the kids have all grown into well-adjusted, decent, productive young men. Of all the things I worried about at first, how this event would affect the kids worried me the most. But I needn't have. We all have very blessed lives. :) Best wishes - Mike

Part of the issue is the old board and this one have very different "personalities" if you will. This is true of any forums that share the exact subject matter. The rules of the board, the moderators, and the posters all contribute to the unique personality of a specific forum. I think all of these factors, in our case, affect the frequency (or lack of frequency) of activity. If you remember, someone started a post months ago asking this very question about activity and after some spirited back and forth and wonderful discussion, the mods locked it. I thought that to spike a post talking about lack of activity might have the affect of um, well, depressing activity. But what the hell do I know? To answer your last question directly - No, it does not help personally anymore. I've happily moved on into a new life. I think I'm 12 years out or so - I don't even know for sure. I don't dwell on my old chapter much at all. But I believe I can offer a unique perspective, especially to widowers. Men generally experience things differently than women, and being widowed is no different. A man's perspective is not in the forefront here. It shouldn't be really. We have WAY more women posting here than that of men. That was true of the old forum also. But I still like to poke around a bit and offer a view when I think it might help. Best wishes - Mike

If I remember correctly, I think I went back about 10 days after my wife died. It was good to get back into some sort of routine, even though I'm sure my work was subpar. The boss was very cool about it all and went out of his way to ignore slip ups. I traveled out of state five days a week before her death so, changes had to be made quickly so that I could remain local to take care of the kids. I really didn't have any issues with the folks at work other than that listed below. I did the things needed, closing accounts, numerous phone calls, etc. from work or a quick dash out. They were fine with it. But, some days I'm sure I just sat there for eight hours staring at the monitor. For me maybe the worst part of it was my workmates coming over and boohooing. I worked in a building with over 10,000 people in it at the time and hundreds of co-workers had heard the news. Many visited and if they were upset, I got upset. Good luck, Mike

This is all good stuff. But seemingly not yet discussed or considered here is: what does NG want? What does he require from you? What is he looking for in a possible wife? What are his expectations of the current relationship? That is important too. I'm not losing sight that the beginning of this episode was NG acting in a way that didn't sit well with you tybec. Not trying to downplay it either. But, for any relationship to be a success in the long term, the needs, desires and requirements of both parties must be verbalized and processed. It's great you have, or are currently, letting him know what is important to you. Have you invited the same from him? It could possibly generate a ton of trust for both of you. Only then will both of you have the information that you need to determine a suitable and healthy path forward. I'm not sure this has occurred yet. To be sure, I haven't followed any previous discussions of your experiences with NG. So, please forgive me if I am ignorant of the facts. I guess I'm sort of thinking an truly frank and open bidirectional heart to heart is still in the future. (Could be wrong of course.) Best wishes, Mike

I have a former wife and a few former GFs. My wife has a former hubby and a pile of former BFs. For a million good reasons, we all occasionally communicate through social avenues, mail or phone with each other. My wife and I do not report to each other every time one of us is contacted by the above list of folks or when we contact one of the exes. We are comfortable with those folks being tangentially in our lives. They, in some small way, add to the enrichment of our lives. You mentioned yourself you don't understand, or care for communications of this type between exes. I get it. No doubt, he fibbed about it. Because he knew you'd be POd. That's not an excuse, but it's there. I'm not going to tell you to feel this way or that. You feel like you feel. But I don't find this is a hanging offense. If he does something REALLY dumb, of course you both will need to address it. But in my mind, it's a minor foul. You and I will have to disagree about secrets. There are good reasons to fib, stretch the truth, and, sadly, lie through your teeth - sometimes. Not always, of course. The world and relationships are messy. Never say never. I trust my wife completely and I'm sure the feeling in mutual. She and I are done with the BFs and GFs - we both are confident it's over. Of course YMMV. Good luck - Mike

Faye, does NG have any inkling of what even one horse will run him? Well, in any case, this, coupled with the idea of a hobby farm, seems to be an instance of divergent ideas of what is financially comfortable for the two of you. And, and I mean this nicely - unless he is an experienced contractor/builder, you're both too old for a fixer upper. I'm roughly your age. I've built three houses for myself and remodelled dozens of places for others. I know what it takes and I'm too old to do it again. I'm sure you guys will resolve this but it just kind of made me say "Oh boy" and smile a bit. Good luck, Mike

I attended a few "Mother - Son" teas when my boys were in grade school. I'm a guy btw . It really was no big deal. I wasn't the only non Mom in there and everyone was very nice to all of the attendees. I wouldn't let this influence your decision as to where to send your daughter. Having said that, there is no protecting your daughter from comments and questions from the world at large. Sometimes they will come out of spite but most often it will just be in the normal flow of conversation. The best thing you can do is to equip her with what to say when that happens. As an example - (my boys were 8 and 9 when their mother passed) - when J was 16 he needed a passport. During the application process the clerk said that both parents would need to sign. J told the clerk, my Mom died when I was little. Simple as that. Both the clerk and my son handled it without a problem. The point is, things will come up but try not to worry to much about it. Your daughter will take her cues from you on how to deal with this tragic turn of events. Good luck, Mike

Ugh, so sorry to hear this Bluebird. Prayers for you, Wifeless and both of your families. Mike