Portside

Hi Sc39. If you are worried about any possible side affects of your prescribed meds, talk to your Dr. right away. All prescription medications have possible side affects but those are usually a very remote possibility. If the Dr has suggested them, take as directed please. If they are not for you, you'll know and then should revisit them with your Dr. and another plan of attack will be drawn up. Please don't get caught up in what others say about your treatment. That is, don't listen to your hairdresser, SIL or neighbors about this. They are not trained, have not conducted a medical evaluation on you and really have no business medically advising you. My late wife routinely did not follow her doctor's orders concerning her meds or treatments. The outcome was disastrous. Best wishes - Mike

Sc39 - You're right, as time passes, you will settle back into your normal life. But I am a bit worried about your last statement. If you are describing yourself accurately, it may be beneficial to seek out some professional help to allow you to move past the depression you are experiencing. While feelings of shock and aimlessness seem to strike us all after the death of a spouse, depression and the feeling that it is getting worse can be made a little more tolerable with timely care. Please consider reaching out for a bit of help. I'm pulling for you. Mike

This may help you: http://www.mysticsofthechurch.com/2010/02/what-is-meaning-of-life-why-are-we-here.html This is from a Catholic point of view but, most other faiths teach largely similar ideas. Reach out to me via PM if you wish for more detail. Best wishes, Mike

Such a beautiful boy! My late wife and I also lost a son in circumstances that are similar to your daughter's. Thank you so much for the picture. Perhaps in time, you may consider some way to route your grief into some sort of activities to honor him. I now work with indigent babies on a number of levels and it is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. It helps me to process the loss of my little M. Please consider it. I feel you would enjoy it very much. I normally think cyber hugs are an empty gesture but not today. Long distance hugs for you and your daughter. You all are in my thoughts and prayers. May his memory be Eternal.

I think in your case this is really a good thing. It sounds like all involved want to be grown up about the past relationships and to promote family calmness. My family has done similar things. My kids with late wife even refer to my former wife as "Aunt N.". Honestly, this is a wonderful opportunity for your families. :) Good luck. Mike

Dottie, so sorry for your loss. Therapy can have great benefit but it has to be a good match. My kids and I benefited greatly from seeing a therapist early on. It's obvious you don't care for the one you are currently seeing. She annoys you and you are rejecting her advice when it is given. Perhaps she is not the one for you. I understand you do not feel ready to see a doctor but there is no harm is visiting one and seeing what he has to say. You've said yourself you are a bit of a mess - well, that's where some unbiased advice may be helpful. If you don't need any meds he won't prescribe them but, on the other hand, a little something may take the edge off and then help you to deal with the swirl you find yourself in the middle of. Especially if you have PTSD - but you won't know that unless and until you have a proper diagnosis from a fully capable professional. I'm a combat vet and spent the early days of my career treating Navy and Marine vets and their dependents for mental disturbances. Please, make an appointment with a Dr - if nothing else to put your mind at ease. None of this is easy so just take it a step at a time. I'm pulling for you! Best wishes - Mike

Arneal, when I was dating, the faith-based dating sites were closer to that ideal than any others. I met great ladies and, based on their comments, most guys they met that way were gentlemen. Not 100% but better than the average. I tried to read the article. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting old but what a load of pretentious crap. And again, falls into the trap of suggesting all dating folks act a certain way. I hope most folks don't act/feel the way the author describes. And her bio - " In her spare time, she can be found blissed out in a bookstore or writing fiction of her own. She loves Oscar Wilde, organic beauty products and Italian food." oh please - spare me the "I'm so with it" self congratulatory blather.

I started dating about 5 months after my late wife died. I suppose the signs, as you put it, I noticed were; I was able to look at other women “that” way and wonder if I wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with her, I no longer actively ached for my wife, things like that. One of my boys, the 9 yr old, also was pushing for to start dating. That probably fed into it a bit too. It is important to have your head on straight before you dive in to the dating scene. Dating can be difficult and if you aren’t ready or do it for the wrong reasons, you can make a mess of it. On the other hand, when you are ready and approach it with your eyes open, it is great fun and one of the ways to get your new life started. Have some fun and, if nothing else, meet some new folks. Good luck! Mike

Please don't be concerned with how your grief is expressed. It can be different for each of us and the way we show it has no bearing on the depth or intensity of the love of our spouse or your level of pain. This period is just plain hard. :( Mike

Hi Sc39, Nope, feeling this way is pretty normal early on in our situation. The good news is it does get better over time but getting there can be a real ordeal. Hang in there as best you can. Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your dear husband. Best Wishes, Mike

Wow. There is loads going on here and Julester3's advice is great but I think missing one component. Namely, NG. Nothing will change as long as NG does not see the issues and leans on his daughters to make changes for the increased happiness of all. Before a family meeting with all, have a heart to heart with NG. He absolutely must be on board with the changes needed because he must be the heavy when it comes time to dish out the incentives to change. If he isn't, you will be hated by the girls. Regarding the food - I grew up in a family of ten. Every meal had at least one person that did not like (or eat) what Mom prepared. Tough shit. "You don't have to eat what I made, but I'm not making anything else." was heard many times throughout my childhood. As J. said, if the girls can help cook once or twice a week that would be great. Chores - assign them out and make it stick. If you have to use a club to get them done, use the club. Speaking of the club, the cell phone has become the primary currency of the universe these days. Be prepared to kill the service/take away the phone as necessary. It is the most impactful thing a parent can do. Children, of all ages, feel their life is over without a phone. Good luck - this will take some doing and I know you are wrung out. Hang in there and stick to your guns - but, above all, work to gain the support of NG for all of this. That really is key. Best wishes - Mike

Hi all. What's up? Oh, I see. CanadianGirl - thanks for the note. I mean it. You bring up some very good points but in the interest of time, I probably will not address each item of my weaknesses that you mention. I don't think my laptop has that much ink. I am sorry you feel the need to leave for a time, however short, and that you feel I had a hand in it. Each one of us will eventually run into a person that does not agree with them – both here and in real life. To take your proverbial football home and leave the game because of that doesn’t help anyone - neither the agreer (you) or disagreer (me). However, I get you feel like you feel but I ask you to please stay. We all will be better off. I'll try to hit the big ones though which, to me is this; a) my delivery and b) my support or lack thereof. I don’t think I can buy into your decision tree for empathic support either. I guess we disagree in a major way about what is support and what it is not. I’d venture to say maybe most posts here do not ask for advice. The way that I, and I imagine many men, respond to that is to give advice anyway. Most men are fixers. It’s what we do; it’s how we are built. It’s how we see a possible end to a bad situation and make sense of the universe. Your #2 point, while certainly a fine end goal, is, I believe, very difficult to meet all the time. Again, each of us has a differing place where we feel belittled or ashamed. Yes, we all should try to avoid making others feel small but how can I, or anyone, determine what might make you, or another, feel this way? Assuming of course that belittlement is not the goal. Of course there is a line but even in real life, it is difficult to discern. Through the printed word it becomes even more blurred. I think this is where my delivery comes into play. I know I have my moments. But my direct approach has its benefits too. So many times the posters all dance around the real problem and say what amounts to “oh you poor thing, have some tea.” That might make one feel better, but one may not be better. If one is, in my opinion, wrong but all others simply agree and say “there, there”, that, in my mind, is contributing to the problem the poster is experiencing. Even enabling in the worst cases. Not support or validation. To validate any poster’s thoughts or utterances each and every time, whether or not they asked for advice, can be a recipe for disaster in that person’s life. Obviously, you don’t care for my delivery. It’s okay. I’m a big boy and I know I am not everyone’s cup of tea. This forum is a microcosm of, mostly, American widows and, to a much lesser extent, widowers - each with our own brand of speaking and communication. Isn't it wonderful? I went back to reread the post that caused me to start this ruckus. I did hit those little nails the OP mentioned with a pretty big hammer. Too big perhaps. My main point was lost (my fault) that I am very much against the lumping of folks together that don’t see things the way we do, in what I feel is a derogatory manner. Best wishes CG! And you too RAM – I truly hope it all works out. Happy Tuesday - Mike

You're a good man buddy. :) So glad you found a person that you click with. Yeah, there be crazy folks out there. Some of them will suck the life out of us if we let them. Smart move shutting her out. She is nothing but trouble as she demonstrated amply. Best wishes and now, have some fun! Mike

Shayla, please accept my deepest sympathies on the loss of your dear husband. You are doing all the right things - just getting through the days is a huge accomplishment at this time. If I may be so bold, one small word of advice - when someone you know offers to help in some way, say "Yes" and, if needed, give them a bit of direction if you can. For example, when someone says something like "Can I help in any way?", say " Yes, thank you. Could you please mow the front yard.?" Many folks truly want to help but have no idea of how they can. A concrete task may help them help you and your family. Try to take care of yourself too. It's hard of course, but it is helpful. Again, so sorry to hear of your loss. Best wishes - Mike

Good morning Canadiangirl! As always, I am interested in dissenting viewpoints from my own. It gives me a chance to reflect and ponder my advice and thoughts that I put forth here. I've given your comments the weight they deserve and have decided to reject them in their entirety. Using the term *DGI* is, and remains, to me, a slur because it takes the form as all other slurs do: it reduces a group of people to a monolithic block that insults them or attempts to minimize any contribution they might make based simply on the fact that the group has not experienced the same events, and does not think the way some others think they should. The rules of this forum value diversity of all types and diversity of thought is one of the most basic. When someone tars another with the DGI label, they shut down any possible dialog with that person with the resultant consequence of no possible common ground. I'm sure we can all agree that the pursuit of common ground is a fine step to take to resolve any conflict or misunderstanding. One of the true beauties of this forum is the owners and moderators commitment to all voices being heard. Because of that commitment, there is sure to be disagreement among the posters now and then as we all have our individual ideas, approach and tone. Mature folks know that a dissenting voice is not automatically a lack of support. I too hope that RAMs issues with NG are resolved easily and happily. One can consider dissent an invitation to reflect and review ones own approach to a specific problem. Is that not one of the primary purposes of this forum? What I have to say, whether it meets with someone's approval here or not, is okay as long as it falls within the rules of the forum. I will not stop. Btw, scolding isn't very effective if you want to reach me. Point out a logic mistake or a new way to view something, or add facts to support your case and I'm your guy. :) I pray you have a great day - be well, Mike

I'm 10 or 11 years out (I honestly forget). 🙂 I don't ever forget that I have been widowed but it doesn't take up residence in my thoughts or actions most days and it really didn't shortly after my wife died. I suppose I was lucky in that regard. While it has affected me in the sense that it has added to my knowledge that life can be fragile and nothing is certain, it hasn't made me sad or affected my day to day attitude or happiness. I remarried maybe 2 years after my wife died and my current wife and I blended our families without incident easily and quickly. We try to live with the idea that every day is a gift and that life is what you make. We, and our children, have wonderful lives. I don't know that you are behind the curve - really. As you said, it is very personal. Some folks recover very quickly, some do later, and some never do. There aren't too many long-time posters here. Many previous members have long since processed the grief and moved on into our new lives. As such, many don't need the forums and therefore, don't spend much time here. I imagine that is true of most support type groups. Glad you are back to the old you! :) Mike

You are exasperated with your guy, call him derogatory names (DGI) and then complain to strangers about what you think is his poor behavior? Oh, and now some jump onto the "he may be a psychopath!!" bandwagon simply because? Because of what? Please. From this short exchange, we are presented with almost nothing except your guy not being in sync with you. Could it be he wanted to go with you and fam to the cemetery for support? Yes? It's possible. This is why I lose my shit when we all so easily throw the "DGI" slur towards anyone. Are we all here a monolithic block with only one or two lines of thought that are approved? And anyone that strays from that path is shunned, ostracized, pointed at and made fun of? Who gets to decide that anyway? You? Me? No. Even the subset of humans known as widows/widowers have a wide range of what is okay, not okay, acceptable and unacceptable. We are all individuals You're taking the lazy way - calling him names. If NG is not for you, and truly doesn't get you, unload him. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong. If you are out of sync, talk it out and resolve it (or don't). It he takes more from you than he adds to your life, dump him. This isn't hard. Happy Friday. I need a Snickers. Mike

Hey Wanda - my deepest sympathies on the loss of your dear husband. I know this doesn't help, but what you are experiencing is 'normal' and part of making the switch from wife and caregiver to neither literally overnight. Hang in there as best you can and try to get out and do things. You don't have to enjoy yourself - that will come again sometime. But rather, just try to reconnect with the world even if it is just standing on the sidelines observing. My youngest boys were 9 and 10 when their mother died. It took awhile but both are happy, productive young men now. All my fears did not come to pass - but you wouldn't have been able to convince me of that early on. Best wishes - Mike

Of course this is not right for the kids but it sounds like NG's wife doesn't really care about that. Notice I used the term "wife" to describe her. Herein lies the bulk of the issues. If all you say is accurate, (and I have no reason to believe it isn't :) ), NG is letting himself, and you, by extension, get played. He needs to get a formal separation agreement immediately, Yes, it can be expensive. So what? He needs to hire the nastiest domestic relations lawyer around. And then tell him to go scorched earth on her. Try to get her declared an unfit mother. NG should try to get full, not shared custody. Have the lawyer hire a PI to document all her catting around for evidence to the judge when it eventually comes to court. BUT!!! You need to back out, temporarily, too. You are dating a married man, not separated. Nasty wife can use that evidence against him as easily as he can use her dating against her. Needy, Hon, I am sorry to say there are some things out of order here that are contributing to your hurt, sad experience. Get things in order and the whole experience will be better. If NG isn't willing to do this for your relationship, he isn't the right guy for you. :( I'm pulling for you. Just know, no matter what, this is going to be rough. After this BS gets a bit more settled, then you two can concentrate on caring for the kids in the manner they need. It is going to be a shitstorm for them too for awhile. 🙁 Good luck - Mike

There is nothing one can say that will satisfy everyone. I accepted all expressions of sympathy, poorly delivered or not, as sincere and heartfelt. It just makes everything easier. Mike

Stick with talking instead of texting - or writing for that matter 'cause I think you lost me. What are you saying? You'd rather talk and this is causing an issue? Seriously, do whatever is comfortable for you. Either she gets you or doesn't and she will choose to work with you or not. Either way, you have your answer. If you have to work very, very hard just to be together, it may not be worth it. A woman that is interested in you will find a way to free her schedule up so that you fit in - (for that matter, so will a guy for you ladies.) Good luck - Mike

Insurance and investment firms (most firms, actually) don't mind spending loads of money to entice you to buy their product. Nice looking actors, top of the line production qualities, etc. Advertisements in all the "right" magazines and online outlets, "All of our customers are like family", yada, yada, yada. But, on the back side, they do not like to spend much to remove anyone from the list of active customers and other, back of the house operations. That's also why, many times, it will take forever to get a payout from them, even though you have supplied all the requested forms, documents and certificates that they have asked for. More often than you'd like to believe, the business functions that pay out to customers have not yet been digitized as the rest of the firm has been. That costs big money and they'd rather apply it to the advertisement end of the business.

Sorry you have to go through this. Being the caregiver certainly grinds you down. Maybe enlist the help of your congressman's office to get some help on the VA front. Many times they can suggest a person that can help you navigate the bureaucratic bs. You said you were hoping for peace after the inevitable occurs. Boy I get that - I no longer feel odd saying my life was infinitely less stressful after my wife passed. No one wants to lose their spouse of course but the alternative being so gravely ill is also horrible. I also had two little guys when my late wife died. I'm years passed that now and all has worked out although at times I didn't see how it could. Do the best you can, rest if you can. Hang in there. Mike

I don't normally put a lot of stock into predestination. Here's why - even if a person has a dream/feeling of something that absolutely does come to pass, what about the hundreds or thousands of other dreams that have come and gone without validation in reality? Chance? Good/bad luck? I lean towards the idea we take whatever experiences we have and try to make them make sense within the context of our lives. If God has everything worked out for us in the big calendar in the sky, how would we ever know anyway? For me, and this is only for me, it's chance - some folks die young, most die old. Some get sick, some do not. Etc. It's just the way it is. But what the hell do I know? Best wishes - Mike

I guess the first thing I'd ask this guy is, are you ready, really ready, to date. Be honest with yourself. If so, keep going. Another thing, there is no such thing as "right age". If she loves you and you love her, proceed. Don't construct artificial barriers for no reason. Get out more and go to new places, trying new things. Be open to most everything. Smile and say "Hi!" to everyone. Let your late wife's friends know you are ready to date. All women know at least one other available woman that is looking for a good man. Honestly, I do not see why this is so hard for a guy. Assuming you are truly ready to date. That is a big assumption however. There are loads more available women than there are available men. (after 40 years old, in the US). I'm not a handsome man - just a regular Joe with two little kids. But I had as many dates as I had available time and money. All you have to do is ask. For women, however, I think it is a completely different story. Mike