Portside

I am not of the opinion that isolation is the answer for you. Of course, that doesn't mean you have to go with every invitation or have folks over. But to hole up in your place in as fragile of a condition that you describe is not healthy either. In some of your other threads others have mentioned finding a therapist that can help you process this crisis in a productive and healthy manner. She/he can put together a plan with you that will help you to find a measure of peace and provide a path out of the darkness. Please try to do that. Best wishes, Mike

For us old timers here you may remember Kate. Her hubby passed and she had two little ones and one on the way at the time. Since then, she delivered her baby, met a great guy, remarried and this morning had child number four. Beautiful little girl. Mom, Dad and baby are all doing fine. 😊 She is just over the moon. Life is beautiful. Mike

SB, might it also be useful to discuss with your son what happens if his GF becomes pregnant right now in their young lives? I certainly don't know what your hopes for him are (and what his hopes for himself are!) but wouldn't such an event surely throw a monkey wrench into his hopes and dreams. He is a young man and most of us (me included) were/are woefully blind about consequences. Is he aware the impacts are forever? For each of my four sons I laid out the impacts of an unplanned pregnancy. You don't have to work too hard to scare the hell out of them. Good luck! Mike

To me this isn't all that surprising. Many of the older folks I know, which happens to include me too, have either personally experienced many tragedies or have been very close to them. Sad yes, but not all that unusual among all the folks they know. So, they may not make too much of it. It isn't personal at all. It's just if you live long enough, you've seen it all and are shocked by very little. Mike

Hmmmmm. . . . I honestly didn't consider some of this may have been just venting. You know how us guys are - someone says something and we read that as asking for a fix.

Ladies, in the interest of time since I know you are all very busy during the Christmas season, let me add my 2 cents using only a few words: (This isn't for any one in particular, only for the crappy situations.) WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT? BOTH of you should be actively working together to resolve any conflicts that may crop up. If he isn't, something is terribly wrong with your relationship. I get it is a rare thing to have no issues when dating again but wow, some of you gals are putting up with a shit ton of crap. And let's be fair, look inward also to be sure we aren't contributing to the mess. If there is this much upheaval now, when everyone should be on their best behavior, there will be even more later when you all get real comfortable with each other. I'd dump some of these guys. What's it going to take? Him telling you "I'm a dick/coward/child/not ready/whatever, you should leave me." Anytime you have to say to yourself "He's great when we are alone, but. . . . . .", it is a sign that he isn't The One. Move on. Go by the actions of a person - how does he treat you when you have a disagreement? It should still be respectful and done in such a way to try to resolve whatever is bugging you two. Good luck but boy, this stuff makes me sad. Get out for your own good. Best wishes and Merry Christmas - Mike

Hi Ronda - I sort of took the opposite approach. Namely, "how can I hold back knowing that she won't be here forever?" I guess I'm a fatalist of sorts - Since it is a undeniable fact that ALL successful marriages end in death, I strove to embrace it and pack as much love and caring into whatever time is left for us. Granted, my approach is not for all, but it's another possible way to face what is unchangeable. Good luck! Mike

Go down on the 14 as planned. The end. This woman cut you guys out long ago and, I'm sorry to say, your father let her when he was well. You don't owe her any special treatment. She doesn't give enough of a shit to look after your Dad now and she say you aren't supportive enough? After all the years of horseshit? Do what you can but I wouldn't tie myself up in knots about it. They made their respective beds. Now they get to lie in them. Good luck. Mike

Needytoo, you're kidding right? Tell them the bus is leaving at xx:xx o'clock and they are welcome to join you all. Then leave at the designated time and enjoy yourself. DO NOT cook a dinner for them. Well, I wouldn't. Each of my sons have acted like an ass at one time or another. If you enable it, and that's what an early supper by you would be, then you are rewarding their behavior. Good luck!

I put my status into my dating profile so, women reading my profile knew it right away. I told my MIL and SILs that I was going to begin to date just before I started. They were very supportive right from the start.

I took mine off around 4 months after my wife died. I wouldn't be so sure that if a person saw your rings on your right hand, they would know the situation. Folks are funny and many times not very observant or thoughtful. As to uncomfortable moments, no matter what you do, there will be some. My wife shot herself and over the years, I've run into folks that didn't know and would ask. It only bothered me the first or second time. I usually said something like "Oh, you must not have heard, T. passed away some time ago." Which usually resulted in "What did she die of?" Normally, I said something like "She was very ill for a long time, and it was time for her to go." or "She was very ill and simply couldn't hold on any longer." Folks usually got the message and were very nice about it. Take you rings off, or don't whenever you feel like it. Good luck - Mike

I started dating about 6 months after my wife died and it worked out for me. I met a wonderful woman 3 months after I started dating and we were married 18 months after that. That was 9 years ago and things have been terrific. I'm not sure it is useful to put a specific time frame on the whole thing though. Some guys can successfully date rather soon after they were widowed, others, of course, need longer to be at peace with themselves and be available to another woman. It's the same for the women - different time periods for different individuals. But having said that, you'll know if a person isn't ready. Some possible signs in my opinion; constant comparing you to previous spouse, too emotional, a shrine set up in their home to the passed spouse, trying to steer you into hobbies/activities that your date and previous spouse did together, things like that. I do think a more newly widowed person may be a bit more nervous on the first date or two than someone that has some time under their belt, but that will be because they haven't dated in years most likely. They may feel they are "cheating" on their passed spouse. But that should go away quickly if they are ready to date. I found dating to be a blast. Have fun, try to relax and enjoy yourself. Good luck!! Mike

It's not your job to bend over backwards to get along with the ILs. Talking, as you mentioned hasn't done it. It won't . MIL is difficult - also as you have mentioned. You can't make her, or anyone else, act like a human. It appears you have been very accommodating regarding visits and such - that's wonderful but if you are tapped out as you say, pull out of this nonsense. If you end up grumpy, tired and just plain whipped trying to fix MIL, your relationship with your boy will suffer. So don't try. She doesn't give a damn about your constraints or concerns. She made this messy bed - she should get to lay in it. Good luck - Mike

Huh? SS, I'm not understanding how you are reading that sentence as offensive. Where/how did I suggest it's okay for a woman to be played? Why would any thinking human think that? Let me try to clarify - I think it harder for the ladies than the guys due to reasons of security mainly, but also plenty of guys are buttheads that ask or allude to sex pretty damn quickly. I've had the odd, too fast request myself, but I just laughed it off. I wasn't afraid. Turn the tables and I imagine a woman would be both annoyed and a bit afraid. I could be wrong though. Best wishes - Mike

Ronda - I have now been married for ten years following the death of my late wife. I met my current wife through a faith-based online site. I found it to be a wonderful experience - a great opportunity to meet a bunch of new folks. Oh, there were some rough patches along the way, but by in large, a very positive experience. I think the big difference between online dating and the in person version is you automatically reject a bunch of guys in real life without any real contact. You know, you notice body language, looks, the way they walk (confident, beat down, neutral), etc. just by observation. They, and you, have rejected them from the pool of possible candidates for a bunch of reasons. You just know some of them aren't for you. It's all good. That's much harder to do in the online space. Sure, you have a profile to read but that doesn't give you much, so, a physical meet is needed to be set up and followed through with. And, when you meet, it's just the two of you usually. Not in a (many times) a group setting doing it the old fashioned way. The result of this then is you have to meet a lot of frogs to identify a possible prince. It's hard work! Then of course it is harder for women than the men now a days. There are fewer available men as a matter of demographics. More players than you'd meet in real life. We're all older and have already partially build our lives with someone else - but now that is gone. It's not like we are starting off our adult lives with one guy. We're trying to get it started again but this time jumping into the middle. Not easy. But, like I stated earlier, it can be done. Just keep at it - don't drop what is important to you but, at the same time, be open to new situations and personality types. I was lucky to have a ball dating online. I learned something important from each and every woman I went out with, even though many were not for me - and I not for them. My current wife and I knew instantly we were meant for each other. Blending our families, finances, and faith was painless. Try to approach it as an adventure and to just have fun. The right guy is out there, but it may take a bit of searching to find him. He is looking just as hard for you. Really! :) Good luck and best wishes - Mike

Hi Redhed. Sorry that you are going through this rough patch. Any major disruption in one's life, such as this is, is bound to cause a fair measure of anxiety and to reopen old wounds. It's normal. You mentioned that perhaps you hadn't processed fully your emotions/grief from way back when. Maybe - it's hard to say. I found that my romantic relationships were most fruitful after I learned to be happy all by myself. That wasn't easy for me but after I concentrated on being happy with where I was at the moment, all else went easier. Perhaps that is a positive step forward for you. None of this is easy. Good luck - Mike

Table for three? 🤣

Hi Bx3 - the easy answer is I built a new life for myself. I'm not trying to sound flip but that's what was necessary for me. My late wife was not the only thing that died when she passed. Some relationships, some attachments to places and some habits went away also. Not all necessarily negative btw. I took the initiative when I was able and rebuilt certain things and started building a new life around new points of interest, new people and a new reality. I viewed it as a new adventure. I had to. I couldn't mope around forever. We had a good run but sadly, she was gone now and I needed to continue on with my life. Good luck - none of this is easy. Mike

I hear ya. I flip back and forth between thinking many folks are idiots or many folks don't put their thinking caps on before speaking. I will say many folks don't observe carefully and therefore, can't make informed, thoughtful comments to other people. Many also are too quick with the "me too" crap and want to tell you how hard they have it when they haven't carefully listened to what we are saying. It does make you want to slap them, doesn't it? 🙂 Best wishes - Mike

Hi GT - sorry to hear about your dear husband. I had a running buddy that passed with the same condition. It sounds like you are keeping to a great attitude - wonderful! A good attitude will save you when nothing else will. Best wishes - Mike

What they probably did was submit you for an additional position that was open even though you didn't interview specifically for it. This letter is a standard rejection letter that is sent to all candidates that didn't get the spot. You may still be in the running for the other spots you interviewed for. I'd be willing to bet all rejected candidates get the same basic letter, regardless of whether or not the spot went to an internal or external candidate. I don't know anything specific about how OSU does it, but many firms have internal candidates in mind for a specific spot when they post it. They may have a requirement that the position must be posted even though they are planning to offer it to a already known internal person. It's maddening I know. Mike

I find a throat punch usually works. 🤣 No, honestly, I have never discovered a way to get these type of people to shut up.

Christopher, I don't know where to start with you. On the (extremely) off chance you aren't a troll. . . . You said - ". . . . reached out to tens of thousands of women. . . . . " Really? Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha (deep breath) Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha Leave the nice ladies alone here. Sure, they have their moments, but they are nice women simply trying to make their way through a rough world and don't deserve to be baited or toyed with. Wow Dude, you amaze me. Thanks for the comic relief. (I'm waving good bye with my pinky finger - I'm certain you'll catch the reference.) Mike

Wow. From a simple competitive point of view, guys like this make it so much easier for a plain, straight up, normal guy. I don't even know what to say about this fella. This can't possibly be a winning strategy - can it?

Beat me to it SS! 🤣 Seriously though, good advice for your stated goals.