Portside

Well, lots to unpack here. From my biased guy perspective: He expects to be served? Are you sure it's that or simply a case of him not wanting to be in the way/your place, your way/etc.? If he truly wants to be served, that's bullshit. Perhaps involve him in some helpful activity - set the table, help cook, something. . . . Yeah, I'm pooped too after working all day but the fam needs fed. Drag your (NG) sorry butt off the coach and help. Allergic to lilies - You asked him what, twice, to stop it? Have you considered screaming in his face "I'M ALLERGIC TO LILIES YOU DOLT!! I TOLD YOU MANY TIMES!! " Okay, not a good move but this is also bullshit. Take both of his hands into yours, look into his eyes and, one more time, tell him you get sick from those flowers. Do you hear me? If you want a guy to to do, you must ask specifically for that help. Not, "would you help with the food, please?" but rather, "please get drinks for everyone." We are like that you know. :) I hate to tell you this but this may be the best he ever acts. You are still new into this relationship and that's when we are on our best behavior. Sad but true. Good luck - Mike

Hey Heather - I haven't experienced anguish to the level that you are but I have been so scared that it almost felt like paralysis. I think you are doing the correct thing by trying to push through it. It will most likely pass in time. If, it does not after some time, you may want to seek out a therapist/counselor that can help you feel better. I know it sounds impossible but the feelings of anxiousness, dread and sadness do eventually taper off. Best wishes - Mike

Same deal except it's my sister. Are we related? :) Sis is a PhD in some sort of counseling and insists on being called "Dr." by her family. (It doesn't happen. 🤣 ) There is no one so ignorant as a pompous academic credentialed far beyond their intellect. . My sis, like your BILs wife, is an Grade A ass. I believe that is the scientific description. You don't have to suffer folks like them gladly if you don't want to. Mike

The beauty of any open forum such as this to be exposed to ideas and reactions different from that of our own for a given situation. A alternative view is not necessarily angry - tone is notoriously difficult to convey in text only. WW, honestly not taking shots at you. As I said, I was confused by your path. I still am kind of but, I am certainly trying to get your POV. That's how I learn. Thanks for expanding on your initial post. Best wishes - Mike

I'm confused WW - why is it/was it so hard to simply break the date as this guy clearly isn't a match for you? You agreed to it "just to shut him up" - As soon as you realized that, couldn't you have called and said "I changed my mind", or something to that effect? Best wishes - Mike

TWW, could part of the lack of your friends "getting it" be that death IS so common and that they are rather inured to it? I'm guessing I am older than you so in my circle all of us seem to have suffered a death of a very close someone - child, spouse, dear friend, etc. Of course that doesn't take away the sting but it seems to make it a bit more understandable or "normal" if you will. And, then by extension, we may appear like we don't get it as much. Are they acting poorly or thoughtlessly towards you? Mike

Honestly, news of prominent suicides doesn't get to me anymore. Even if folks know of my situation and ask me about my or my late wife's experience, I can talk to talk to them without being upset. I, like you, certainly support treatments and research to try to lessen the incidence of suicide but, at the same time, I hold the idea that, no matter what treatment(s) are provided, there will always be those that choose this path out of life. I'm not sure there can be anything that can be done to get rid of that slice of the pie. Self-preservation is one of the strongest human traits. For a person to choose otherwise, it may mean that some of the causes are perhaps past our comprehension. My late wife's psychiatrist, her MD and all her professional mental-health workmates (she was a family grief therapist) all knew she was going to kill herself one day. So did I. We all did everything humanly possible to intervene. I guess I was already numb to it when it finally came. Perhaps I remain so. Best wishes - Mike

Hey! I'm right here you know. jk I'm going to let you in on a little secret - butthead guys use this approach because it works. They don't care about you personally, but they know that if they use that approach on x number of women, some percentage will respond positively to it. It only has to be a few out of all the ladies they ask for them to be happy. They aren't looking for a long term relationship, no matter what they say to you initially. Believe it or not, it also works the other way. The gal was on step 157 and I was on step 3 in my case. Whoa lady, slow down! I guess it happens because the lady is desperate or feels she is reaching the end of her desirability (which is, of course, untrue). I imagine it's the same for the insecure guys. It's sad. With all the changes in the dating world since we were very young some things never change: Don't give up the goods too fast for the wrong person. If we do, one of us is certain to be very unhappy. Good luck! Mike

Hey Minny - my deepest sympathy on the loss of you wife. Yeah those hammerblows all so close together can sure take the wind out of your sails. There are damn few young widowers in any location - given your situation, I think it would be helpful for you to seek them out if that is possible. I was 51 when widowed but was fortunate to run into a small group of guys that also had lost their wives. I was, by far, younger than all of them. Even so, they provided a great deal of help and advice to me. Or we just sat there for an hour or two and said nothing. You know, like guys. Very helpful. The loss of your job, as you stated, adds to the whole mess - alot of us define ourselves by our work. Without it, we can be a bit lost. Hang in there buddy - PM me if you wish. Good luck - Mike

What's normal about all this Mike? Nothing is. I've remarried. My first wife was cremated and scattered at my old house in the woods. My now wife scooped up some of where she *thought* late wife was and brought it to the new house and scattered her in the flower garden. No snark intended; what does it matter? Honestly, it is just your body and after two generations no one will likely care or remember you. Chances are 50-50 that your new wife will go first anyway and you get to decide then don't you? You ARE being given a strong suggestion of an ultimatum I think. Only you know if this is a big deal or not. There is no true right or wrong about your decision. What really matters is what you want to do and how you negotiate with your fiance. Actually, this to me is the key point of any one of us getting married, or remarried as the case may be: Can you and your new partner negotiate in good faith with each other. This will not be the only thing you ever disagree on. When the other items pop up throughout your lives together, will both you and she be able to negotiate to an agreed upon settlement and then live with it without sniping at one another? If this cannot be accomplished with your fiance, you are in for a life of, at a minimum, of annoyance. At worst, it will be hell. Good luck buddy - the other Mike

Obviously not a woman but I imagine it is normal for most folks to have their "body not respond" in the same way as before the loss of your spouse. Love the way you put that, by the way. A good guy will recognize it and give you whatever time needed to be back to where you want to be. It will all start responding again shortly I'll bet. Good luck - Mike

See, here's the thing. You didn't make your kid do that. She did it on her own. Perhaps there was a better way to handle the news NG is moving in. Who knows? I won't presume to understand the workings of the mind of a 16 yr old young woman. As Julester3 stated, she is PO'd and doesn't even understand herself. Yeah, see if someone else can talk some sense into her. But, whatever you do, don't knuckle under and let your daughter (or any of your children for that matter) drive you into decisions and actions that you don't want to do. She can't be left to feel she is in charge. The last part of your post seemed to suggest you got sucked into arguing with her and defending yourself. Screw that. You're in charge. When you are in command, command. Good luck - Mike

Of course! Hopefully a speedy and full recovery are in the cards. Prayers also for your Mom, I can only imagine how hard this is for her too. 🙏

I think it's great you had a good time. Ok, not the guy for you for a bunch of reasons - but you had fun and discovered you CAN enjoy the feelings associated with dating. Wonderful! (You didn't start the debate, btw - I did. :) ) I seem to have that knack. Best wishes - Mike

Abitlost,/LF, I hear you but I honestly think you guys are truly ignoring my point. It's okay. I'm not here to change anyone's mind. Simply to offer a different perspective than what might be the usual view. The OP needs to make her decision and go forward with it. I wish her, and you all, well. Dating, I gather from reading all the stories over the years, can be difficult and tiring. Mine was not - maybe I was lucky. My approach to people, and to dating, certainly isn't for everyone. But it worked. I had a ball doing it. I do find it interesting that many posters here feel that any deviation from the truth, whether large or small, when dating, is indicative of some other unknown character flaw. I would be sad if that is how I approached the bulk of humanity. Of course, some things would cause me to bail, others would not. The specific age situation the OP listed would not. But, to each their own. Good luck! Mike

Okay, how about a thought experiment for all those folks who suggest a fib on one part of your profile suggests you are not to be trusted or need to be looked at with a sceptical eye. While dating, I saw of woman that seemed interesting. She had posted a profile pic of her from the waist up. Lovely woman and the rest of the profile seemed fine to me. We made a date, I went and it turns out she was wheelchair bound. Hell of a nice gal. An exceptional, accomplished person. Not a word about her disability in her profile. However, in my profile I said I was looking for an athletic, active woman. Was she deceitful? If so, was that indicative of some other big whoppers? What else is she hiding - right? For me it was not - this wonderful woman knew that many, if not most guys would have blown her off and never given her a chance. And she wanted a chance to make a good first impression. Which she did. In spades. I was the small-minded one saying I desired an "athletic, active woman". (We discontinued dating because she found her forever guy. My loss.) Best wishes - Mike

Oh, that's easy. It's because some folks put age limits as part of their *must haves* and he knows that there are some women that would not meet him simply because he has seen more earth revolutions around the sun than others. In short, yes, I think you are overreacting. This is nothing. I've never known women to fib about their age so there's that. Since In other aspects, you seemed to like him - go for it. I'd give this a pass. It doesn't mean a damn thing about his character. Little white lies in the pursuit of goodness are nothingburgers. Good luck - Mike

Have you considered asking out one or two of the ladies that don't turn your crank initially? You may be surprised at what you discover. Effective profiles are notoriously difficult to write. Perhaps some of the women don't appeal to you due to a incomplete, poorly written profile. I went on more blind dates than ones I set up. And I never turned down a requested date from another. I called it kamikaze dating - I really had no idea of what to expect many times. It was fun!

I dunno. Maybe I've developed an immunity to that feeling. I suppose I have made my peace with rough things happening at some point. Everyone I love will eventually die. Not according to any discernible plan I can see of course. I try not to fear the inevitable - I won't live in fear of those events. Every time one of the kids or my wife drive off, in the back of my mind I know they might not come back. Heck, I might not.

1. Your (and your Sweetie's) business. 2. For me, I wouldn't call myself and Sweetie *husband and wife*. But hey, that's me. 3. I would attend. I want to share in my kin and friends happiness. 4. Nope - My wife and I are in close to similar circumstances but just a few years younger. My wife's health is very fragile. If she goes before me, I may possible make the choice you are. 5. See #2 above. 6. Hmmmm. Good question. At our ages, BF/GF sounds weird and 'partner' would be ridiculous for me. I dunno, Main Squeeze? Good luck you crazy kids!!

Hi RAC - please accept my deepest sympathies on the passing of your partner. One thing to be aware of - this forum is a very tiny slice of widows/widowers and an even tinier part of the general public. And while the owners of the site and many posters have no issues as to who uses the term widow while here, the public at large is not so inclined. Indeed, many widows/widowers are even more restrictive about who calls themselves what outside the protected bounds of this site. I don't mention this to discourage you - not at all. State your status as you wish. My point is simply to let you know you will eventually run into folks irl that will take issue with your choice of descriptor (and possibly take you to task for it). Sorry, that is just the way it is. Choice of any one word over another does not diminish your hurt in any way. Time will ease your pain eventually - but it sure as hell doesn't seem like it right now. Best wishes - Mike

If it was me, I'd simply let the truth come out without my help. It always does anyway. Why continue to tie yourself into his drama when you are successfully putting much of it behind you. Please don't let this unfortunate series of events cause you to never trust anyone else. That course may have the effect of blocking you from befriending some other great guy or potential gal pal. It gives dirtbag power over the rest of your life. I know you don't really want that. Good luck - Mike

Yes it hurts but you have to shake it off. In the back of your mind you knew this was a very real possibility. If this is the way she feels, and it appears it is, she isn't the one for you. Sorry my man but this is just the way it is. Stand up, dust yourself off, and walk boldly back into the fray. Good luck - Mike

Very nice. Mike

I tried to read the article but Mr. Fay lost me when he stated, in his opinion, many guys put their favorite activity at the top of the priorities. The rest of the list that he attributes to married men is all out of whack too. If that is the case with the men he knows, he needs to seek the company of grownups. Maybe even those that have Faith in the mix as an overarching principle. Still, we all have our priority list and you are correct, the death of your husband threw your hierarchy into turmoil. All big life events do. Others, such as major illness, the birth of a child, job loss, a move, securing daycare, senior parents, etc. will impact the list as well. The essence of being an adult may be to evaluate the hierarchy as it changes over time, and come to a resolution of the new state of the list and go from there. There is probably no avoiding the hierarchy changes. But that is not to say the reordering of the list cannot be lived with successfully (and happily). We do it all the time even if we don't know we do. It is a disruption, to be sure. You can do this tybec. God knows it is hard work, but if both you and NG work hard at working with each others list, if the differences are not too great, a joyous relationship and life can be had. p.s. - my now wife was done raising her children when we met. I had two under 10. Wildly divergent places in our respective lives. She was caring for a dying parent already. Ten years later, I am. It's working out because we want it to and both of us are pretty flexible. And because Faith is at the top of both of our hierarchy lists. Good luck! Mike