MauiMermaid

Well said. xoxo

This is my experience as well. I actually look forward to being able to have that safe place where I can wail crying and feel accepted, understood and not crazy. Grief and trauma specialists seem to really "get" this and not judge. Hugs to all xoxo

Hugs to you. Your post really resonated with me and particularly the above words. xoxoxo

Spot on.

Vent away. ^^^^ That hits it on the nail. Leap year hit me hard too and I'm about the just f*cking deactivate FB because I can't stand the "4 years ago", "5 years ago" shit that comes up. Stick the knife deeper in my heart thank you very much. I totally get the insecurities of a new relationship. For me, the first 6 months were sort of honeymoon phase and the excitement of the new feelings almost served like a drug of sorts to my mood. Now, 1.5 yrs in, I feel anxious, a little insecure, scared of what would go down if this ended. I'm fragile and not trusting of his feelings (all me there, he has given me no reason to not trust). And "girlfriend" feel so flimsy to me. I'm still used to soulmate, best friend, life-long partner (in good and really tough times). It's all so strange. I never really dated before I met my husband so still trying to navigate this relationship thing. I miss my best friend, too. (((Hugs MrsDan))) xoxo

Thank you all for sharing your support and understanding. As comforting as it is to hear I'm not alone, it makes me sad that so many of us continue to struggle so much in this journey. I crave the feeling of true "peace" in my life again. That feeling of recharge after a restful sleep. That feeling of being alive and refreshed after a vacation. I'm moving forward and "living" but it sucks the battery level down every day that goes by. I can recall what "problems" felt like before when my husband was here. Just being with him, knowing he was there, a simple hug would give me peace during the toughest of times. Even in a new relationship, I don't feel that same "release". I'm beginning to feel as though this will just be my new reality for always. Despite having a seemingly fulfilling and satisfying relationship, a good job, a new home - I just have to learn to cope with this exhausting "empty" following me. It's like a mental jail of which you can't escape. Found a lump in my breast and going to get a mammogram next week. Part of me is terribly scared and then part of me thinks - well, ok, maybe I'll just end up closer to where he is. I know that's a terrible way to think of it but my mind is so warped now. I've been crying so much more lately. I've become a pro at holding back tears, especially around others. But lately it's been unexpected cry sessions in the middle of a work day. I just miss him so much. SO much. I wish I could have even a few minutes with him to feel that warmth and peace again - even if it's fleeting. Thanks everyone for listening and caring. xoxoxo

(((Hugs))) Understand this so well. What I try to tell myself is that it took decades to create the old me. I should be kind and patient with myself in the creation of this "new" me. It's only 3 years into this re-discovery and it could take a while. The first chapter of our life was an amalgam of experiences, successes and failures, joy and pain and ultimately we grew into ourselves with our spouses. The rebuilding process isn't an easy one. It will take time and patience with ourselves. Hopefully all of us will move closer to a newfound peace with our "chapter 2" selves. Hugs to you!

Love and (((hugs))) to you guys. Thank you for letting me cry to you. For understanding. For just being there. SVS - I hope all continues to go well with the cardiologist and the medication helps mitigate the symptoms. I often wonder how all of this is taxing my body long-term. I've read about cortisol as well and it can do a number to your health. Sometimes my resting HR is 100 when I see the doctor. Tight hugs back to you my friend. Thank you for always being there and offering comforting words. xoxoxo!

(((Hugs))) Rayspumpkin. I get it. Lost my husband then best friend 6 weeks later. I wish I had magic words to make it all a little easier but just know you aren't alone. Stay strong, we're here for you. xoxo

3 years and I'm just worn out. Done. Over it. Mad. TIRED. Tired of being tired (emotionally, physically, everything). Will I ever find the peace I had with my husband? I've "moved forward", entered a new relationship (which I thought would never be possible), have a new job (which would have been a "dream" job before all this), moved to a new home (an apartment but made it very much my style) and I can still not feel a fraction of the happiness or peace I felt in my "old" life. I'm just SO over it all. Sorry to vent but I just want a f*cking break from this!! I can't stand it anymore. I wish I was in the financial position to take time off work, do something for myself or just plain SLEEP for days straight if I want to. Having a single income is tough. How will I EVER get ahead?! Thanks for letting me vent. Just need to get it all out. I miss my husband and I want my life back.

3 years for me and I still cry every single time I look at a photo of my husband. It's terribly painful for me. After a series of moves, we actually didn't have a lot of framed photos out. However, I have a ton of old-school and digital photo albums and it's still very, very hard to look at them. (((Hugs to you)))

BIG (((hugs))). It's just one of those days. This too shall pass. Vent away, we're here for that!! And the quote above... EXACTLY how I've been feeling lately. Sorta like I took a detour back to month 3 or something. Just exhausted... with it ALL. I miss the peace of just having him to truly make it all go away. I miss that feeling so very much. Hope it all feels better tomorrow. Wish I could help! xoxoxo

Oh, Jazzy... I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. You have found understanding in our community though. As Wheelerwifes said, you can't imagine this now but it will get softer with time. Know that we have all taken these steps and somehow survived. You will, too. I posted often on another board before it shut down, the YWBB, and I dare say I was one of the most lost, despondent, hopeless of posters there. I really didn't think my heart would survive so much constant pain. I woke with it, lived with it, slept with it. But miraculously, over time, the pain softened a bit and my mind adapted to the pain, processed it. In the early days, I had severe panic attacks so much so that I couldn't leave the house. Everywhere I went, I'd break down in tears. I hope you know you aren't alone in your feelings and we all get it. Be kind to yourself, take it a minute at a time. It's all so surreal, isn't it? It doesn't seem possible... here one minute, gone the next. I lost my husband to a sudden cardiac arrhythmia. Picture of health, avid runner, physically fit. We were home for the holidays of 2012 and I tried to get a hold of him while I was out with my Mom. I became worried when he didn't respond to my texts. After a few hours, I became frantic. It wasn't like him to just not respond. I finally called his Mom looking for him (he was back at their house for the day) and they found him sitting in front of the computer... gone. He was downloading music for me at the time. ;'( So, I understand the trauma and devastation of sudden loss. It feels like your whole world has been taken away and reset in a moment. Hang in there, we all understand. Big hugs to you. So sorry for your loss. xoxoxo

(((Hugs))) What a lovely picture. xoxo

Was thinking the same. And Bowie died 3 days after his own birthday just like my husband. They are in good company indeed, MrsTim. Hugs to you on Tim's birthday. xoxoxo

I am so sorry for the heart-crushing pain you have to relive again. I wish there was way to turn off that Facebook time capsule. It's BRUTAL for us!! Can I just say this, really LOUD?! - F*CK FB and social media, I hate you!! I wish I could comfort you in some way beyond the words here. Your post brings up something many in the "non-widow/widower" world don't realize - it's not just the death/loss of our beloveds that haunt us. Many of us have very traumatic, painful visions that we have to live with as well. Things no one should have to see. So, the pain is really two-fold in many regards. I understand and have similar visions of finding my husband, laying beside him, seeing his body change after he left me. It's terrifying. Big hugs to you and wishing you some peace. (((Hugs))) xoxo

Oh, Maureen, there are no words. I wish I could say something that could help mitigate the pain for you. I will say this though - you are such an inspiration to me. Your generous nature, adventurous spirit and innate resilience have carried me through my own journey. No one should have to carry all that you have. Yet, you kept your head high, continued the difficult path and all the while helped all of us along the way. May your strength continue to carry you forward and peace continue to grow in your life. Thank you for all you have done and for being you. I hope the week is kind to you. (((Hugs))) xoxoxo

(((Hugs, Alexswife))). Your post brought tears to my eyes. It made me happy to hear. Like you, I had no desire to "date". None. I met someone by accident and we just connected. Serendipitous. Keep your heart open, it was meant to hold much love. Our love for our husbands will never, ever leave us. Like Wifeless mentioned, we carry them with us every single day. Much love to you, as always. xoxoxo i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it?s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

I'm so very sorry for your pain. Just wanted to send (((hugs))) to you. We are here for you as you take this journey...

Exactly what Maureen wrote. We are forever shaped by our loss and our emotions are bound to affect our investment/feelings when it comes to a new relationship. I imagine your new love already understands this. Just be honest with your feelings and explain where you were coming from when you texted him that. I'm sure he will understand given how upset you have been lately. It comes in waves and it may always. It speaks to how big of a heart you have - and it is big enough for your new love, too. I'm not as far as you - 3 years yesterday - but have the same struggle. In a new relationship with a man who is caring, loving, and totally understanding of me and my loss. Even talk about DH to him, cry to new love about my loss, etc. I've almost done the same and told him I wasn't ready for all of this. I spent most of the last week looking at old pictures, videos, crying, moody. I think it's normal to go through these intense waves. Our love didn't die, it lives in us and manifests itself in the grief. Wishing you the best with this and sending (((hugs))). xoxo

Well said.

Count me in!

(((Hugs))) "An embrace that just made everything in the world bearable." I understand this all too well. Moving forward but that innate peace is now elusive. xoxoxo

(((Hugs))) that you got through the day. My DH's birthday is today, 12/31. Tears started my morning. We'll see how the rest of the day goes. I called to thank his Mom for this day. Without her, I would have never had the wonderful life I was blessed with for 22 years. Thanks for posting this. xoxoxo

A few more excerpts: Steph: Sean, talking to other people and reading books and things is making me feel hopeless. I want to hear one person say ?it was hard and sad for a long time but now I?m as happy as I was before. Maybe in some ways more happy. My memories of him/her give me strength and happiness instead of sadness.? Except you, I?m hearing almost the opposite from the majority and I?m not sure it?s worth it if that?s going to be how it is. Sean: Steph, it?s worth it. I didn?t think it was either for a long time but if you just get through the days one at a time life starts to improve. You have to be proactive about it, and make yourself get out & do the thing you love. It?s not going to happen all at once, its gradual with a lot of lapses. I just had Roberta dreams last night, and I talked with her a lot. It was really special and it made me miss her but I?m still happy. Life is special and death is part of it. The main thing that kept me going after Roberta died was a promise I?d made to her like three days before the accident, that if she died I?d keep living life and doing what I loved. What I also experienced was that the things I found important were suddenly distilled and clear. Like love and freedom and bullshit free lifestyle. and.committing to that life eventually brought happiness. Mario loved you so much, and for sure he wants to see you live and be happy. Just like if the circumstances were reversed you?d want that for him. But like I said it?s a hard path to follow at first and you need to start simple and make yourself go climbing, go for a run, even if you have to stop and melt down during it. There are a lot of different levels to grief I found, and times where it feels super shitty and hopeless but you can pull through. I promise that it gets better and if you get through the first days, then months, then year you will start to find new levels of positivity. I?m sure its different for everyone but I promise you that you can make it through. You?re changed forever but you can get through. Don?t give up.