MauiMermaid

Sometimes the hardest part of this journey is that we feel so alone and isolated in our feelings. We feel like no one understands us - and how could they unless they walked in our shoes. A friend forwarded me this blog and I wanted to send it along to all of you, too. It may help you feel less alone in your feelings. http://stephdavis.co/blog/sean-stanley-leary/ The blog is written by a woman, Steph, who lost her husband. In her devastation, she reached out to a friend, Sean, that had previously lost his partner suddenly in a car accident. Steph knew that Sean would be the only possible person who could understand and guide her in her new life as a widow. The blog documents some of their conversation over time. Ironically and very tragically, Sean would also die in an accident leaving behind his new wife and newborn. Steph's writings document her despair in losing her husband as well as a tribute to the support and empathy she received from Sean. Here is a notable excerpt from Sean to Steph: Steph: R u happy now? That?s the part I can?t see. For the future. Sean: I am now. It?s a long road and happens in tiny little steps at first. You?ll find yourself happy too, but there?s a lot of stuff you?ll have to face before that happens. At this point it?s best to just deal day to day or hour by hour and not think too much about the future. Right now your grief is this giant gaping hole with sharp edges but as you move forward in life the edges soften and other beautiful things start to grow around it. Flowers and trees of experiences. The hole never goes away, but it becomes gentler and sort of a garden in your soul, a place you can visit when you want to be near your love. At first it?s all you can do to deal with your basic needs, and that?s what your best friends are helping you with now. Soon the sadness will come in waves, and you have to hold on through the intense parts, letting them well up inside you, carry you for a bit, then subside. It?s all important stuff to feel. Don?t fight it, but don?t get carried too far. Just hold on. It gets better and you?re not alone. You?re part of this fucked little club now, and the other members will come to help heal your pain with empathy and promise. You are going to get through this. Even though this loss will shape who you are forever, you?ll be happy again. You will find peace. (((Hugs to all)))

Thanks for sharing. It gives me hope that there will be a gradual shift from deep sadness/despair to appreciation of the many wonderful holidays shared together. Like you, we met as young adults... every adult holiday memory centers around him. I understand the weirdness. It's all so surreal. I feel like I'm living some sort of strange "alternate" version of my life. And he is out there somewhere living and that this just can't be reality. Twilight zone of sorts. (((Hugs)))

Band of Horses "No one's gonna love you like I do"

"I'll always be with you." <3

Thank you all for the support and caring words. Peace and (((hugs))) to you. And Merry Christmas. Thankful for all of you here, don't know what I would have done over the years without you. xoxoxo

Not sure if "Beyond Active Grieving" is where I belong. Year 3 and I still feel about as "active" as it comes, especially during the holidays and his birthday (coming next week). Been having a particularly tough time these days. Crying more, missing him so intensely, drifting in a haze of this new surreal existence. I often feel like I don't know what is harder to believe - that he died or that he lived. I feel like our life together is one I dreamed myself. With no kids, it was just the two of us. No one else really knows the memories I do... well, except him. "Remember when?!" - can't do that with anyone but myself. Decided to brave the traditional Xmas Eve dinner at my in-laws this year. It was our tradition for 22 years. We met when I was just out of high school so I practically grew up with his family. I thought I'd be strong enough to do it and I failed miserably. Instead, I felt the tears fill my eyes just about the moment I walked in the door. I could see the table set, his spot replaced by someone else (he always sat on my left). I can usually do a pretty darn good job holding back that burning feeling you get when you know the tears are about the flow from your eyes. Instead, I lasted only a few minutes before they came streaming from my face. I left the dinner table and headed to his childhood room - the place we would find him lifeless during our last holiday trip home in 2012. I could see those terrible visions all over again. There I was on the floor and I just cried, and cried and cried. Much of the room hasn't been touched since we were there in 2012. The candle was still on the shelf that he lit for me Xmas 2012 night as we fell asleep. His backpack was still in the corner, his jacket on the chair. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I retreated to that room. But, I felt I needed to nonetheless. In any event, I feel I failed everyone and made them all feel terribly uncomfortable last night. I should have just stayed home with my Mom. Hope everyone's holiday fared better. Thanks for listening. :'(

(((Hugs))). Time passes but missing our love is always something we'll carry with us. Wishing you peace and that the pain will soften some more. I so understand every word. xoxoxo

(((Hugs)))

I had flashbacks on-and-off for the first year or so. I'm at year three and they have subsided. Having found my husband (he passed away of sudden cardiac arrhythmia), I had the vision of finding him. The police also treated it like a crime scene afterwards and I had really sharp flashbacks of them being there and moving him. The final, and most haunting, was seeing him one last time before the coroner took him away from me. That vision still lives with me but through therapy I've managed to soften the blow. It will get softer over the time. I can tell you I didn't think I'd live that first year. I thought my own heart would stop from that much constant pain. Please know that you will in fact come through this. It's difficult to imagine now but you will. Take it day by day and be kind to yourself. It will start to get more manageable over time. (((Hugs to you)))

Thanks for starting this thread. I woke up this Xmas Eve in tears and came here and it's the first thing I saw. This is year three for me and this quote says it all. Year one, in a daze, I was home with family. Year two, I stayed out West and celebrated quietly (partly alone, partly with new bf). Here I am at year three and decided to come home and see my family (and his, because after 22 years together they are very much my family too). It's been terribly painful. I think I need to re-think new traditions. Big (((hugs))) to all. Thanks again for starting this thread. xoxo

Thanks for sharing this

My DH would always do this when we attended a wedding. Then he'd look over and whisper "I love you". I haven't been to a wedding since... not sure if I could make it through that alone.

Really enjoyed this. Interesting about the reference to social media. I've all but abandoned it and it has been a good thing.

MrsT85, happy to hear all the new milestones. I know how hard each step must have been for you. (((Hugs))) You totally nailed it - "I would still give up everything I've worked to rebuild to have him back". Like you, I still cry every day. Think of him every minute of the day. Music was so central to our lives (I seem to recall for you, as well) so my life with him is constantly on replay (whether it be a band he loved or a new band that I'd love him to hear). I don't think I'll ever feel the same "happy" I used to before. Those feelings of true happiness and peace, by all accounts, died with him that day.

I understand this so well. Since my DH passed away, my SIL and BIL have both welcomed new babies to the world. It's joyful but terribly painful that he isn't here to see it. Having no kids of our own, we always said our nieces/nephews would be "our" kids in a way. Seeing them grow is a reminder of how much time has passed and how many memories he should have been a part of... The never-ending heartache is part of our great love and I try to frame it that way to myself. We are resilient and will continue to adapt to our feelings. And, hopefully, the piercing pain will continue to soften over time. (((Hugs to you))). I get it. xoxo

Going on 3 years and you said it so well. Feeling very much the same right now. On the surface, I seem to be moving "forward" - new job, new home, new relationship. What people don't understand is that the pain of losing my husband, our dreams, "us" and ultimately "me" never goes away. We move forward because we are resilient and adapt. But we will never be the same. (((Hugs))))

Yes, yes, YES! Feel this way, too. Also in a chapter two relationship and outwardly it appears I have "progressed". The truth is I still carry a huge hole in my heart. An infinite sadness that the teeny, tiny bandaid of being in a new relationship doesn't fix. I have moments of smiles, laughter but never peace, never true "happy". That died with him. I still think of him every minute of the day. I'm a shell of my old self and I don't care for this version very much. I just miss him so much and it's truly exhausting. Mental jail is how I like to call it... nothing really ever takes it away. (((Hugs to all)))

Likewise!! (((Hugs to you!)))

Hi Hachi. Cute story. Thanks for sharing it, made me smile. I would love to be as optimistic but when people have been saying this to me lately it's usually them analyzing why it's taking me so long to "move on". They don't understand why I still cry every day, why I still think of him every minute, why I still feel utterly broken and confused. There are only a few I confide these feelings to anymore. It just really hurts when they seem shocked that the pain is still so central in my life... and then there goes the comparisons to how divorcees they know have "coped" with their "loss" as a means of "advice" on how I can too "move on". It's really hurtful and insulting. *Sigh*, breathing deep and just filtering it as ignorance to a devastation they have no hope of understanding.

I've been dealing with the DGI comments for the last 3 years and I'm at my boiling point. NO, this is not the same as your divorce, breakup with your boyfriend, loss of your 90 year-old grandmother, etc etc. I just have no patience for people trying to equate this to any other experience and, at the same time, advise you on what you should/shouldn't be doing. Sorry, just needed to vent. I know their intention is good but I'm just so fed up with it. Thank you to the forum members here, especially WifeLess, for posting and supporting all of us in this journey. Some great reads below: Inspired by your question, I just reposted the How You Can Help Me letter in the Newly Widowed section, since that's where I think it might be needed most: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1587.0.html This letter, along with several other documents that were previously posted on the old YWBB and have already been reposted here, tries to explain to family and friends what we are feeling and what we may need. Those other writings include: Letter to a Friend http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html Unique and Devastating Loss http://widda.org/index.php/topic,8.0.html Bill of Rights for Grief http://widda.org/index.php/topic,13.0.html And an edited version of Saying Olin to Say Goodbye http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1000.0.html Perhaps these can be of help in the "mass education campaign" that you mention. --- WifeLess

Almost at 3 years and this still helps me. We feel so misunderstood and this explains it all so well.

Finding the right therapist can be a challenge. I found the best fit by finding someone who specializes in Grief/Trauma/PTSD. Much like a doctor, the specialization can really help in getting the appropriate support. My therapist had built her practice around helping people with similar life tragedies so she could offer genuine sympathy and understanding. I feel really fortunate to have found someone who has considerable experience with grief-stricken patients. I can't imagine how any other counselor/therapist would have understood me. Therapy is a personal decision and what works best for you is all that matters. Finding the right match can be challenging but, for me, was worth the search. Being isolated geographically and not having much family made it a necessary thing. (((Hugs to all)))

Thanks for starting this thread. There is comfort in knowing we aren't alone in our thoughts and journeys. The holiday season is particularly painful for me... Christmas itself, his birthday and the month of December being his last month here with me. Year 3 and still no tree or real decorations. I just can't. The only progress has been I can listen to holiday music and not completely break down. Other than that, I've been consumed with tears thinking about it all. This used to be my favorite time of year but I just can't get past the heavy weight of not having him here. Grateful for the 22 wonderful years of holiday memories. Hope there comes a time when I can celebrate that and not feel so terribly lonely. (((Hugs to everyone)))

(((Hugs, Alexswife))). Thinking of you at this difficult time and wishing strength and peace to you and your family. xoxo

This sums it all up so well. Thanks for sharing your story. (((Hugs))) and wishing you new found peace with all the transition.