Jen

Saturday night... I guess it's technically Sunday morning. I'm at work-- how's that for sexy? I'm doing tonight and tomorrow night, 6:30 pm-7 am. I need sympathy, please.

(((((((HUGS)))))))) Thank you all. I don't feel brave, I feel small and scared-- what if I go through all this, I do the work, but there's nothing on the other side? What if okay is the best I can hope for? I know-- what ifs are useless. What if some wonderful insight changes my life for the better? I'm not good at the Norman Vincent Peale stuff-- never could do much with positive thinking. But any movement has got to be better than sitting here, stuck and miserable. Hopefully we'll be able to look back, a few months (years?) down the road and think, Hey, we did that, and we're better off. Yay us.

((((Hugs)))) I have to admit, this was a giant step for me. I'm nervous about trusting someone enough to talk to them, nervous about feeling things I don't want to feel... I'm my own worst critic; as I told her yesterday, I try to have kindness and compassion for everyone but myself. When I open up I feel vulnerable, exposed, and very, very stupid. :-[ I'm hoping I can get past that, since it seems pointless to invest in therapy if I won't participate fully. I like that description, though-- identifying, understanding, and changing patterns of behavior. I recognize a lot of my own dysfunction, but I don't know how to change it. I'm going to have to embrace that "do it afraid" mindset, because whenever I start thinking about what a monumental task it is, I freeze and tear up! I can do this, right? Other people do it, so surely I can too... *hugs* Thank you for the solidarity. I need it.

Gentle hugs to you. This feels all too familiar.

I started therapy yesterday. I've tried before, but I've never had a good experience, and I've never actually committed to the process. This time I'm committing-- finances willing. I got a good vibe from the therapist, and I think it will help. It was interesting... at first, when I was telling her what brought me to this particular point, she zeroed in on my grief as the major issue needing to be addressed. But as I kept talking, she shifted her focus. The grief, she said, is enormous, and of course it will always be there-- but that's not the root of my depression. I agree-- my issues predate widowhood, they probably go back to my parents' divorce when I was 15, which caused the entire foundation of my life to crumble. Honestly, I've never felt safe and steady since then-- except for the brief time I had Jim. He made everything stable. I've been on quicksand ever since he died. She told me something a wid friend had said previously: that I seem to be trying to "think my way" out of my situation, trying to rationally and intellectually fix something that can never be fixed, and beating myself up because I can't do the impossible. She emphasized that I'm going to have to feel everything I've pushed away in order to process it... frankly, I'm terrified. I already feel too much, and I want it to go away. I'm scared to feel more. Still, I'm trying to be optimistic. I do think this will be good for me. I've reached a point where I can't help myself any further-- I just can't do it by myself. I can't stay here; the hopelessness and despair are swallowing me, and if something doesn't change, I'll let them. There has to be something beyond this darkness. Has to be. It's scary as hell and it feels lonely too-- no matter how many people support me, cheer me on, no one else can take the steps for me. The one constant since I lost Jim was that I didn't want to be alone-- not because I can't be by myself; I'm an introvert, I generally prefer my "me" time, but I feel so... untethered. He was my anchor; I knew I could fly as far and as fast as I wanted, because he was always there to catch me. Now I'm in free fall, I've been falling for 2 years, and I don't see an end to it. But maybe there's a little light in the abyss, at least. I hope.

So many hugs!! This is huge, and I'm proud of you... if that matters, which it probably doesn't, because you don't need my approval for anything. (((((((((((((((SVS))))))))))))))

Works for me! I will send updates as warranted.

I'll be picking Michael up at LAX at 9 am, then we're heading straight to Anaheim. Based on my experience with LA traffic (and it's been awhile), I'm guessing we'll get to the park around noon.

Oh, hugs, hugs. I am so, so sorry.

I feel this way as well, and I'm terrified that it is my permanent new normal. I dread the idea of spending 30, 40 years like this. I've been getting out more, talking to people, and it helps a bit, but I still get into an empty bed at night that feels like a life sentence to solitary confinement. Doomed... yes, that's it exactly. I'm so sorry. I wish I knew a magic fix, because I'm so weary of feeling like this-- desperate and lonely and so, so sad. It's not even that I miss Jim anymore-- of course I do, it's a constant awareness, but I don't yearn for him like I did. It's more that I miss being alive, feeling like I had a life. The one I have now is... not what I wanted. :-\ I'm trying to learn to want what I have. That's the best I can do. hugs, Jen

"Feel the fear..." I read that book when I was preparing for my last child's birth. I had had two cesareans, and I was planning a homebirth. I had done tons of research and I had all eventualities covered, but I was still worried that something might go on. Birth is as safe as life gets, but we all know life isn't always that safe. I had to embrace the idea of "Do it afraid." And I did, and it was amazing and wonderful and I wouldn't trade the experience for the world. I'm having a hard time applying it to this wid life, though. I don't know why. I hate the misery and despair, but it's familiar and weirdly safe... like my granny used to say, "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't." It's such a roller coaster, and I loathe it. Good day, bad day, good day, bad day. I can't seem to hang onto the good ones long enough to avoid the crashes that follow. I wish I could just be okay with being okay and stop chasing good. Okay should be enough, shouldn't it? If it means I can be done with the terrible? Hugs, y'all. Thank you for listening and for encouraging me.

Thank you all for letting me get it out. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it-- I sort of assume you know. Lol. I'm tired of this empty, uncertain life. I don't know what I want, I just know it's not what I have. How do I find out what I really want? Failing that, how do I learn to want what I have? I'm trying. I really am. I've joined a meet up group-- I went for the first time last Thursday night, enjoyed it, and I'm going again tomorrow. I'm auditioning for a new play on Sunday. I've been spending time with my sister and her new baby. I actually had a good day yesterday-- I was almost happy. I went to lunch with my mom and took my kids out for dinner and we had fun. I went to bed marveling at how I hadn't cried once all day long, and I wondered how long it would last. Turns out: not long. I was crying within an hour of getting up this morning. I don't get it. I think you're right, TS-- I think I'm at a crossroads and there's a major shift coming, but I don't know what it is, and that scares me. I want something so different, so unorthodox-- I want to leap, but I don't dare do anything too crazy because of my family. I don't know how to resolve it. So today I'm sad and lonely and hurt again. But yesterday was a good day, and success can be repeated-- right? It's not impossible to think I could have another good day? I'm so sick of feeling like this, I just want to be normal. I'm afraid that this *is* normal now, and always will be.

In honor of the Tony Awards (tonight on CBS!), here's a flashback to the Best Musical 1990, City of Angels. I love this show, I got to see it in Chicago when it first went on tour, and it was amazing. Some of the songs resonate strongly, especially these two: "You Can Always Count on Me"-- me in a nutshell "Funny"-- "... sad enough my life's a joke that suffers in the telling..." Lyrics: http://www.thebroadwaymusicals.com/lyrics/cityofangels/funny.htm Can't wait to see the show tonight! It's one of the few annual events that I hold out for. Pretty sure Hamilton will sweep, but you never know...

There. I said it. I hate my life-- I am lonely, I am unfulfilled, I am burned out at my job, I am frustrated with my children, and I'm tired of of living with my mother. It occurred to me that I am in almost exactly the same place I was TWENTY DAMN YEARS ago, when I rushed into a poorly considered marriage just to have an excuse to move out, except now I have 3 kids. I want out, I want to go elsewhere-- and when I said so, Mama's response was to shrug and say, "I'll live anywhere, as long as someone else does the packing and moving." I don't want to be the dutiful daughter anymore. I don't want to be a nurse. I don't want to be me! Something has to change, but I don't know what it is... I'm climbing the walls, I want OUT. :-[

And fuck that the loneliness is fucking killing me.

Fuck that I don't know where I belong anymore... no matter where I am, I feel so lost. And I don't even have words to describe it.

Tickets purchased and vacation approved, I'm in! July 20 is my son's 14th birthday, and he was born in Los Angeles-- this will be the first time he's actually seen the place; we moved when he was 10 days old! I'll have my entire family at Disneyland on the 20th and again on the 21st-- but they know that Thursday is Bago Day, and they're on their own and/or with Gran. Michael will be flying in that morning-- I'll go collect him and then we'll meet y'all in the park!

This is not the thread I thought it was. *blush* Carry on.

Scroll through Tumblr, there are lots of lovely ones to look at. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the sum total of my sex life. Fuck me. Please?

Fuck my stupid broken heart. I don't want to feel anything else, ever ever again. Thanks.

((((HUGS)))) I was so happy when my sister had her precious baby boy this past Monday. But on Wednesday I fell apart. Jim and I tried for 4 years to get pregnant-- we were even scheduled to see a fertility specialist. My sister was on birth control, she certainly wasn't trying, and she fell pregnant and embarked on her fairy tale existence with another James. It's not fair. It's NOT. FREAKING. FAIR. Yeah, I know, life isn't fair, blah blah blah. It just plain sucks, and that's all I've got. We're due for something better. I'll keep holding on if you will.

I seem to be dealing with year 3 by going mute... I can't seem to find words anymore. Add me to the hugs crowd... tough love doesn't help me, you will never anger or shock me into pulling myself up by my bootstraps. I'm not discounting that approach-- it works for plenty of people, I'm just not one of them. Anyway... hugs for those who want them. Peace to all.

Hugs. More hugs. Thank you all. Thank you. <3 <3 <3

I am so, so sorry for your loss. We've all had these thoughts, these doubts... keep talking. It helps.

This is beautiful, although it seems a little wrong to want to "like" such a lovely, heartbreaking post, knowing the inspiration. I am so, so sorry you had to join us, but grateful you found us. Please keep talking. We're here, and we get it. Hugs to you.