Jen

Meeeeee!! IN six weeks I'll be finished with my bachelor's of science in nursing. Hopefully that will be the end of it, cos I'm tired of school! This will make... um... five degrees in two fields. That should be sufficient, right?

I would like to propose that Actual Wild Wids at Disneyland Day be Thurs, July 21. That gives me time to drive from AR with my family and celebrate my son's 14th birthday on the 20th-- he was born in LA, but we moved when he was 10 days old, so this is a big deal for him too. That timing works particularly well for my partner in crime as well. Please please please??

I think you summed it up perfectly, Locksley. I'm so sorry. For all of us.

No words... hurting for you. (((((((HUGS)))))))

((((((Maureen))))))) I wish I had better words. Mostly I wish I could take it all back and fix it, give you your sweet Polarbear back. I am so, so sorry. <3

((((((Brenda)))))))

I'm angry a lot of the time as well... sometimes I'm angry at Jim, specifically; other times, I'm angry at his parents and at myself and at life. On this unremarkable day in January, I'm not really angry at anyone... which is weird and slightly uncomfortable. Mostly I just wish I could hit rewind and make the last 2 years go away. ((((((HUGS)))))) to all of us. <3

(((((((((HUGS HUGS HUGS))))))))) I wish there was some way to make this transition easier for us. I have this notion that other cultures do it better than we do. I don't think it's right that it's left to us wids to process so much of this by ourselves. I'm not sure any of us are ever ready...

I hate, loathe, and despise when people try this on me. No, he is NOT here. Call me Doubting Thomas, call me hopeless, call me whatever, but as long as I can't see, hear, or touch my Jim, you will not convince me that he is "here" in any meaningful way. I HATE IT. Please note, this is only MY experience. I have no desire whatsoever to take away anyone else's, and if you can feel your beloved with you, inside you, I am genuinely happy for you. I wish I could experience it as well. Maybe one day... who knows. I'm not an atheist because I'm not arrogant enough to dismiss any possibility completely. As my first archaeology prof used to say, "Nothing is impossible... just very, very unlikely." I hope I'm not offending anyone-- it's not my intent, which makes me think I should probably just hit delete. Then again, I need to get it out. Viva, you said something I identify with-- if it helps to know you're not alone in your feelings, well, I can assure you that you're not. Hugs, Jen

Ditto. Ditto, ditto, DITTO. :-\ :'(

(((((((HUGS)))))))) I wish I had more to offer. This wid thing is exhausting, demoralizing, and just freaking HARD. I'm almost 2 years in and I'm only *just* beginning to get the glimmer of an idea that there might possibly, someday, be some hope of better. The incredible loneliness-- even when I'm surrounded by other people-- is unbelievable. I'll keep holding on if you will. ((((HUGS)))))

The counting in and of itself is painful, but you can't seem to stop yourself doing it. (For example, today makes 21 months and 11 days for me... gah.) All I can say is... just try to get from one breath to the next. Some sadiversaries are easier than others, which seems unfair and unkind. Keep talking. We're here.

I can't add anything, except that I am so, so sorry for your loss. I wish none of us had to be here, but at least I can promise that none of us have to do it alone. ((((((HUGS))))) The shock is a blessing, in a way... it's protective. Just be gentle with yourself, drink water, try to eat at least once a day. Cry all you need to. Scream. Rant. Post here. We get it.

Oh, sweetie... I am so, so sorry for your lost. I'm another who lost her sweet dh very suddenly, like lightning out of a clear blue sky, and I could have written just about everything you posted. A lot of the time I don't feel as though I've made any improvement, but looking back, I guess I have. It's hard-- I can't pretend otherwise-- but you're not alone. I promise. ((((((HUGS))))))

I am so, so sorry... I'm 41 as well, your post hit me hard. Our stories are similar in a few respects, although I haven't been widowed twice-- my first marriage broke down after 13 years and I went through a divorce, which was traumatizing at the time (but looks like a cakewalk in retrospect). I also reconnected with an early love-- my best friend since I was 10 years old, but we hadn't spoken in 15 years when he found me again. It was like a fairy tale, a dream come true-- your description of your beloved sounds like mine as well. We were married 4 years-- he moved to another state to take care of me and my three kids (their dad took off, we haven't seen him since). He was my everything and we were his. He turned 40 on April 7, 2014... on April 10, he threw a clot (pulmonary embolism) and died in our living room. 20 months later I'm still trying to figure out how the hell to keep going. (((((Hugs))))) We keep putting one foot in front of the other... the best I can say is that we're not alone. Keep talking. I wish I could say we didn't get it, but we do. Again, I am so very sorry for your losses.

I'm late on this, but ((((((((HUGS))))))))) I don't know if I dare to hope for better, but please may it not get worse. It's all I can do to keep slogging through hell. Peace to you all, from one lost soul... :-\

I'm still a few months shy of 2 years, but I could have written almost the same post. I don't want to be alone, but I can't imagine anyone wanting any part of the me who kept breathing after her husband dropped dead. I honestly don't know what to do now. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other... hope that maybe, someday, I will find a reason to live. I'm so tired of being in my head. I'm bored with me-- surely everyone else is as well. I wish I could learn to just accept that it is what it is. That's all it is. No point in wanting more when I'll only be disappointed... :-\

Exactly. Perfectly stated.

Stephanie, I am so, so sorry you had to look for us. Right now, all you have to do is get from one breath to the next. (((((HUGS)))))

Mark, I am so, so sorry. Hugs and more hugs... one breath at a time.

Eating cheese and watching Doctor Who in my fuzzy pretzel jammies. Be jealous.

I hate it too. Every minute. I am so sorry. ((((HUGS))))

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Keep talking. We get it.

((((BH2))))) You're right, I don't feel strong. I don't feel brave. I don't *want* to be either. I want to crawl into a cave and not come out. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I want something to live for. I want a reason to get up in the morning. I can't even remember what that felt like.