Jen

Don't stop!!

So many hugs and so much love... I'm sorry I missed the actual day, but please know you're never far from my thoughts. (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

((((HUGS)))) I still have meltdowns at work. Not long ago, we had a mandatory learning module on recognizing and treating pulmonary embolism (what killed my Jim). I couldn't do it-- I had a panic attack when I tried to go through the PowerPoint. My manager took pity on me and marked it as complete for me. It's been almost two years, and whenever I see one of those stupid commercials for antiembolitic drugs I want to throw something at the TV. Why did Arnold Palmer and Kevin Nealon get to survive, when my Jim died? IT'S NOT FAIR. Anyway. It is what it is, sigh... ((((((((HUGS))))))) Hoping we all find some peace...

Oh, sweetie... hugs and more hugs. I'm so sorry you had to join us, but glad you found us. Right now, just focus on breathing and drinking water and taking care of your precious little girl. We're here to listen. We get it. (((((((HUGS)))))))

SVS, I am SO proud of you for doing this!!! Please keep us updated! <3 <3 <3

I'm so sorry that I haven't had the words to respond... I wish I could say things had improved. On some level, they have, sort of-- I think I have finally accepted that this life is what I have, exactly as it is, and all the wishing and pleading in the world won't change that. Things may change down the road or they may not, but even though I have the best cheerleaders in the world, in the end it comes down to me and how I face it. Right now my kids are really struggling. I feel a little more at peace, but they're having a harder time than ever. Almost two years... it doesn't even seem possible, and it seems like a million years ago and a day ago at the same time. Hugs. Thank you all for hearing me. I'm trying to improve my attitude, I really am... So much love, Jen

(((((((HUGS))))))))) I'm terribly short of words these days... I'm coming up on 2 years in about 3 weeks, and I'm a mess. Hopefully there will be some light for all of us, and soon...

Hugs and more hugs...

Right now... breath by breath. Hold on. Drink when you can, eat what stays down. I am so, so sorry.

(((((((HUGS)))))))) from another Jen. I am so, so very sorry.

I am so, so sorry. Keep talking. We get it.

I wish I had something better... I am so, so very sorry for your tragic loss. So many hugs to you and that sweet baby...

Ditto that, Trying. Big time ditto from the mom of the 7th grader who was suspended from school yesterday for having-- AND USING-- pot on campus. Fuck my life. Just fuck it ALL.

(((((((HUGS))))))) Nope, not fair. Nothing fair about it. But then... it just seems like life is more fair for others, you know? Kind of like Animal Farm: "All animals are equal. Some animals are more equal than others." I definitely feel like one of the less equal animals. And while I'm on a rant... I'm so tired of being told "it's up to you" and "only you can change your life" and "chin up, things will get better." NO IT'S NOT, NO I CAN'T, AND NO THEY FUCKING WILL NOT. I have ZERO proof of that. What I have is day after day after day of being empty and lost and broken and miserable. Fine, yes, okay, it's a terrible attitude, but I have no evidence that anything will ever change (yes! absolutist black-and-white thinking! sue me!!) and no faith that anything good will ever happen again. I don't even know what I want anymore... I just know I don't have it. And I have no clue what to do, or where to begin to try to find out.

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you today. (((((HUGS))))) 23 months for me... it's a Thursday, and I'm at work. Feels like deja vu. I've already warned my coworkers that I might be fragile...

This is the first thing that's made me smile today. Challenge accepted-- I'll get to work.

Okay, well, here's a question, then: what constitutes sex? Because if it's traditional intercourse, it's been 23 months and 5 days since I had sex. If we expand the definition a bit, it has still been 13 months and 18 days since anyone touched me intimately. THAT IS TOO LONG AND I AM GOING INSANE. I can accept a lot of things about widowhood, but this celibacy shit is for the birds. The DIY thing is NOT cutting it. If I didn't live with my mom and three kids, I swear I'd be surfing Craig's List or Tinder for hook ups. (Well, also if I weren't such a lamentable coward.)

My daughter's girlfriend just broke up with her over the weekend. Rhi called her on Sunday and sang the entirety of "You'll Be Back." It was priceless!

((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) That seems to be all I can manage right now, but the feeling in sincere. <3

No words... so many hugs. I am so sorry.

((((((HUGS)))))))

It's not fair. It will never, ever be fair. Nothing will ever make it right, no matter how much I scream and cry and rant at the universe. People talk about finding your purpose-- right now I'm inclined to think that's useless for me. I tried. It was suggested to me that my purpose was to be useful and help others, and I tried. I tried, and I failed, and I just can't do it anymore. Unless I'm here to set a world's record for gallons of tears shed, I don't see any good reason to keep going, other than I have no choice.

If I posted what I really, really, really need right now, this site would immediately be reclassified as porn. FML.

I am so over it. I am just so. Freaking. Over it. I want to rip the scarlet W off my chest. I want to be a whole different person. I'm tired of feeling-- I want to just be an android for awhile.

BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SVS, you have no idea how badly I needed that today. Thank you. (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))