Jen

((((((((HUGS)))))))

(((((Dean)))))) So many hugs. I know what you mean about feeling like a shell... the body keeps breathing, muscles keep moving, somehow we keep going, even though it feels as though there is nothing inside but a vast empty blackness. Please keep talking. It's dark and scary in this abyss, but you're not alone.

My sister had her first baby yesterday. She's 39 years old, never been pregnant before this, thought she never could be, so this little guy is a surprise and a miracle. She had a beautiful birth, and I'm getting to take care of them today-- paid to snuggle my sweet nephew, lol! He's precious, and I've only had a few pangs... Jim and I tried for 4 years to get pregnant, but we were never able to. Still, I've been a little surprised that I don't feel... worse. I'm grateful, though! This has definitely been a bit of sunshine in a life that had gotten far to grey and miserable.

I do try to tell myself, in the lowest moments, that it will pass. And it does, eventually... I won't go so far as to say as I'm okay today, but I'm better than I was when I posted yesterday. I'm grateful for that, at least. (((HUGS))) Hopefully the light will come, and soon.

Telling a person with depression to stop being depressed is like telling a person with diabetes to "just make more insulin." Like any chronic health condition, depression has to be actively managed every single day. It can be exhausting and debilitating. Grief exacerbates it, makes it that much harder to cope with. I would no more wish this condition on anyone than I would wish for them to develop diabetes or COPD or breast cancer. It's an endless fight, and compassion and gentleness are much appreciated.

I think... I honestly think... I'm just done. No more, please.

I want to thank you all for listening to me, and for responding... it means more than you know. My world looks so bleak most of the time, it's easy for me to forget that I'm not alone. I feel as though I've given all I have to give, and I feel too guilty to take, so I just stay quiet. I can't do this anymore. Something has to change. I can't continue to exist in misery and despair-- I have to find some way to live. I just have no clue what that is. I try to find things to look forward to, but they're few and far between. If I had the money and no responsibility, I would throw some things in the car and just drive-- see the country, maybe get some perspective and a place to start over. But that's not possible, so I have to do it here, somehow. I keep thinking of that Dixie Chicks song-- "She needs wide-open spaces, room to make a big mistake, she needs new places... " I can't be this anymore. I'm killing myself by degrees. There must be something more. MUST be. I just don't know where else to look.

Me too. I'm climbing out of my skin. A gentleman happened to put his hand on my back while reaching for the half and half at Starbucks the other day, and I wanted to shriek, "TAKE ME NOW!!!!" I cry all the time... I'm so starved for intimacy (physical and emotional), I'm starting to think I won't survive this.

Oh, hugs, hugs. I am so, so sorry. Peace to you...

Hugs. I'm so sorry.

(((((hugs))))) I am so very sorry. Keep talking, we get it.

Hugs, Scotty. I am so, so sorry.

(((((HUGS)))))) Thank you all. I needed them. I've thought of looking for a professional to talk to... I've finally got all my kids lined up to talk to therapists, but my personal experience has not been good, so I'm hesitant. Still... it's clear I can't do it on my own. I don't *want* to. I mean I don't really want to do anything anymore! No energy, no motivation. I know that needs to change, and I'm out of ideas how to do it.

I want change... I want something entirely different and daring and new... but I have three kids, and no clue where even to begin. I have high hopes for you... Hugs.

*tears*

That pretty much sums it up. I haven't been able to make myself get online lately-- almost never at home, and only rarely at work. I didn't think it was possible, but my world has contracted even more, until I have virtually no life at all. My mom retired and so she's at home when I'm off; she expects me to stay with her, and I've become content to lie on the couch watching the Travel Channel for hours on end. No more mornings at Starbucks-- no point anyway; I can't write anymore, not even in my journal. No more walking the dog-- it's getting too hot, and I can barely muster the energy to get up. Besides, what's the point of trying to be healthy? Nobody wants me, nobody ever will, and I'm deluding myself if I dare to think otherwise... UGH. I hate this crap. It's on a loop in my brain 24/7, and I can't get it to shut up. I'm so tired of it-- I'm sick to death of this wid existence. Craving love and comfort and physical contact and never getting it-- at least, not the right kind-- Is it possible to die from skin hunger?? I'm depressed and I'm punishing myself for it. I'm sad and beating myself up. I'm miserable and I want to change and I don't know how. My theater group is on hiatus until the fall. And then I might not be able to participate-- my hospital is downsizing my department, and in order to keep my job, I'm going to have to go to nights (6:30 pm- 7 am) in July. Which essentially means I'll have even less life than I have now... May I be honest? I know it's not his fault, but I bitterly resent Jim for leaving me to this pathetic waste of a life. I ought to be all "I'm going to make the best of this lousy hand and honor his memory and do all the things we always wanted to rah rah rah." I just... can't. I'm angry. I'm broken. I'm lost. As always, thank you for listening. Please believe me when I say I've read the self-help stuff, I know it's up to me, it's all in the attitude, fake it till you make it, etc. This is where I am. It sucks, and I don't know if there's a way out. I just needed to vent. hugs, Jen, struggling and ashamed of it

I have been shamelessly flirting with a younger man I met on another site. He's adorable and precious and if he were any closer I would jump him in a heartbeat. There's zero chance of this being anything other than an ego boost, but it's nice to feel wanted.

I just got confirmation that I got my vacation dates, so I'll be there, come hell or high water. And I'm bringing Mr Radio Hell himself with me.

THANK YOU. At two years out, I still need to hear this. ((((HUGS))))

I desperately need some naked cuddle time. Maybe with... um... accessories. Or not, but definitely with a real live human.

This was the first thing I read after Jim died. It was probably his all-time favorite series, and I wish I'd read it before he passed, because *he* made so much more sense to me after I read it. The week before he died, we finally watched the David Lynch movie-- I'd never seen it, even though I'd heard plenty about it from him. We were going to watch the SciFi channel miniseries version too, but we didn't get to it.

My cable account is still in Jim's name. If you watch the Comcast commercials, they make it sound like moving is no more complicated than hooking up a new box, but they LIE. I went through their whole long process to get our account moved over, but when I tried to log in, they had just started a whole new account. I lost his voicemail greeting recording (literally the ONLY reason I didn't just close the account and get my own), and now I've got a an account that doesn't have my name on it. I don't know what to do at this point. Confess, close it, and start over? Leave it alone? So far I've opted for the latter. Oh, and my insurance agency called me at work the other day to "confirm your annual mileage." The lady asked how much driving Jim does in a year. I said, "Not much, he died." She was more or less stunned into silence at that point... stammered an apology and got off the phone real quick, once I'd confirmed his date of death.

No words, just hugs and tears.

Hugs, Torn. I hope things are looking up for you.

I get it. The envy-- oh, yes. Now when I see couple-- old or young-- it's not the gut-wrenching agony that it was a year or so ago, but it still burns. It's not fair. It's just not. I don't care if I sound like a 6-year-old. It's not freaking FAIR. Once upon a time, someone loved me. I was one person's everything. I had love, intimacy, affection. Now I have... time. And that's all.