Jen

(((((HUGS))))) I am so very sorry. I lost my husband very suddenly-- I can't believe it's been 2 years now. I have 3 kids, and it's so hard to get up every day and do the adulting and the parenting when all I want to do is hide under the covers. Hold on, keep talking... wishing you peace.

((((((HUGS))))))) I wish I had magic words that would fix it, take away the pain and give you some peace. All I can say is that I know those thoughts all too well. Hold on... you're not alone.

Oh, hugs, hugs. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please keep talking. We get it.

(((((HUGS))))) I am so, so sorry for your loss. Wishing you comfort as you travel this dark road... we're here to listen.

I don't even bother hugging myself anymore. Too much effort for a few seconds of involuntary muscle spasms and twenty minutes of "OMG this is all I have or ever will have FML" agony. :-\ If I could find someone to engage in mutual hugging with, however, the story would change immensely. All day, every day, as often as it could be arranged...

Torn, it's funny that you say this, because my sig line everywhere else for the past 14 years or so has been "Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes." No one wants to hear this particular truth, so I'm trying to keep it to myself-- sometimes it escapes anyway. :-\ 90% of my life is fine. I like me. I like my house. I have friends-- even a few who don't live in my phone or on my laptop, lol. I'm helping my kids get straightened out. I think we're doing okay. But there's that 10%... the part of me that desperately wants another soul to connect intimately with (or, hell, even just a FWB!). It absolutely terrifies me to think that I will never have that again-- no love, no kisses, no cuddles, no sex. I'm 41 years old; the women in my family live well into their 80s and 90s. I could be here 50 more years-- or more! It's a bleak, depressing prospect. I'm not... noble?... enough to pretend that I can be satisfied with celibacy and solitude for the rest of my life. My kids protest, they say "We love you and need you, that should be enough." Maybe it should be... but it's not, and I don't know how to make myself accept it, let alone embrace it. At this point I'm resigned to things as they are, but I'm not happy about them. I still feel as though I'm serving a life sentence, hoping for early parole for good behavior.

Lately my Sat nights are spent on the couch watching Forensic Files. My kids call it "Mum's murder porn." Whatever, it holds my attention. I don't want to say it makes me happy, but...

I wish I thought anyone would ever give me that kind of hug, ever again... :-\ I dreamed about those hugs last night. It was lovely, but then I woke up.

I want change; I don't know how to make significant change. I'm more or less stuck where I am, sandwiched between my kids and my mother. And at this point I have almost no hope that anything I do will include a significant other. It may sound small or self-defeating or whatever-- I frankly don't care anymore-- but I just can't imagine feeling like I *want* to live my life this way. I'm very loved (I do know that, and I really am grateful) but I'm unwanted. Even though just about every other area of my life is acceptable, the whole never will be as long as this one sliver is empty. That may be pathetic, but I know myself well enough to know it's true. Anyway. It is what it is, I'm tired of whining about it. Thanks for listening to me-- I do appreciate it.

This is redundant, but... FUCK MY LIFE EXISTENCE.

This. Yes. I hate it. (((((((HUGS)))))))) Thank you all. <3

Cripes. Could someone just f*** me already???

Or the "cheese and rice, y'all are killing me" thread.

Agreed. Where are you?

I'm 11 days shy of the two-year mark, and I'm just... numb. I have nothing to say anymore. I look at my sweet Jim's urn on my dresser and I feel nothing. He's not there; I know that. My missing him has nothing to do with that particular reminder. I'm empty and hollow. The acute agony has subsided, but in a way I miss it-- at least it was a feeling, as opposed to this... nothingness. I'm resigned, I guess. Resigned to living months and years and decades this way, so lonely that the loneliness doesn't even register anymore. Does that make any sense? Probably not... I can't even write in my journal now-- I have no words left, even for myself. I filled ten journals that first year, essentially one extremely long and pain-filled letter to Jim, but I've told him all I need to as well. So what's left? I'm a blank slate. I no longer know what I want, let alone how to get it. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want anybody new to care about, because I risk losing them too. I want to wall myself off from the world but I keep reaching out. It's all so confusing. I'm tired of being in my own head. I want out, but there's no escape from me. Just had to get it out somewhere. Hugs, y'all.

No words... just desperate need. :-\

Yes. Precisely. Fuck April straight to hell. >

So many hugs...

Hate it. I'd rather work. Holidays are just knives in the gut to me. :-\

Oh, Aaron. I am so, so sorry for your loss. ((((((HUGS))))) Almost two years out, and I still feel as though I have a huge scarlet W plastered on my chest. Hold on. Breathe. We're here.

(((((Kenneth)))))) I am so, so sorry. I lost my husband and best friend almost 2 years ago, and it's still so hard... I wish I had magic words that could make it easier for all of us. Be gentle with yourself. We're here to listen... we wish we didn't get it, but we do.

(((((HUGS)))))

If it's within a ten hour drive, I'll be there. Hell, I'll drive 16 hours or more if there's a bed at the end. I'll even bring handcuffs. ;-)

I've offered, multiple times! Somehow our schedules never manage to sync up, and I refuse to chase anyone. If he wants anything more than an appreciative audience, he knows where I am (literally: his kid spends half his time at my house). My M.O. has consistently been to give and give and always end up with the short end of the stick, so to speak. I'm through casting my pearls before swine.

SVS, I'm so sorry about your cat... we lost two of Jim's babies last summer, and the only thing I could take comfort in was the idea that they romped straight across the Rainbow Bridge and into his arms. My latest confession: I bought a new mobile phone that would support Skype just so I could facetime the (single) father of my son's best friend. He's an exhibitionist and, well, horndog who likes it when someone watches him, um... *blush* It's the closest thing to action I'm likely to get, and, no, there's no talk of actually hooking up. He just likes to show off, and in all honesty, he's got plenty to be proud of. But I do so miss having a real guy to snuggle and, erm...