lcoxwell

While I have nothing truly helpful to add, at the moment, I wanted you to know that I can relate and understand, as I have been feeling much this same way, lately. What I can do, though, is to send virtual hugs and say a prayer that you will find some measure of joy in the near future. ((((Hugs))))

I hope that the time will come when June will just be June for you, too; and I am so sorry that June is such a difficult time for you, now. Please know, you didn't fail your wife. Her needs reached a point, where medically, she needed something that only a medical facility could provide. From what I know of you through your previous posts (which clearly show you truly love your wife), I am certain you did everything you possibly could for her, and I am certain that she knew that, too. ^^^This truly spoke to me. I remember so clearly the day we called in hospice. Like you, that was the day I KNEW that the moment doctors had warned us about for years, the moment he had narrowly escaped for so long, was truly going to happen. The uncertainty that had shadowed us for so long, was suddenly gone, and reality was sinking in. Less than a week later, he was gone. (((Hugs)))

Welcome! Glad you could join us!

Even difficult relationships can be hard to walk away from, for a variety of reasons. It is normal to second guess, it is normal to fear change and being alone, and it is normal to think about the "good" qualities that drew you to that person in the first place. The fact is, if there wasn't something "good", you never would have gotten involved with him in the first place. Walking away from a manipulative person can complicate things, because that he knows how to talk a good game, how to make you feel sorry for him, and how to make you think he is working to make things better. Manipulative people take control over a period of time and tear down your self-confidence, so that by the time you are ready to walk away, you question yourself. You have done a very brave thing, and what is right for both you and your son. I know it is hard; and while I cannot speak to this personally, I have read other widows/widowers comments about how ending relationships can also bring up grief issues, which is yet another complication. You can do this. You can make a better life for yourself and for your son. You deserve so much more. Hang in there, and it will get easier, over time.

I will chime in here, too. I have had migraines, since I was 10, and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia over 11 years ago. Recently, I suffered a minor stroke, which I am now undergoing medical attention and physical therapy for. All of these are very real medical diagnoses. That being said, stress and anxiety can play a significant role in the onset and severity of symptoms in each of my very real medical conditions. Since my Kenneth died, 15 months ago, I have had a significant increase in the number of migraines and pain issues related to the fibromyalgia. Did I mention I had a minor stroked recently? Initially, I thought it was a panic attack. Thankfully, my boss decided to call for an ambulance to take me to the ER. Fortunately, I received medical treatment almost right away, which I credit as a reason my recovery is going so well, at the moment. I agree with the previous poster, who mentioned that when in doubt, check it out. I also agree it is better safe, than sorry.

I have now officially started looking for a new place to live. Still seriously worried about finances and my dogs, but as my sister and New Guy have both pointed, things will fall into place, when the time is right. :-\

Well, it appears that this is going to be another night of having difficulty sleeping, because I am so worried about my dogs and what to do with them, when I move. I really wish I could find some peace about this. It's amazing how many grief issues this is bringing up.. It's also surprising to me how much I have been crying over the idea of having to give them up. My problem is that every place I have looked into so far either has breed restrictions, a weight limit of 25 pounds, only allows cats, or won't allow pets at all. New Guy is not an option, because he is SEVERLY allergic. The one time he was around my dogs, he broke out into a rash, where my Pit Bull licked him on the arm, and he had trouble breathing.

It's the middle of the night, and instead of sleeping like a normal person, I am wide awake and worrying about what to do with my dogs, when I move. Though it breaks my heart, I think I am going to have to give them up. Makes me cry, every time I think about it. I love those furry, four-legged critters, and don't know if I could have made it this past year, since Kenneth died, without them. :'(

From one widow, with not a dime to her name, to another, I am so, so sorry. I know what it is to have to choose between buying groceries and paying bills; and I know about having to make the tough choices to give up things that just about everyone seems to have (like some types of insurance), in order to have the basics. Hopefully, it will be an easy fix. The important thing will be to get things dried out as quickly as possible, so you don't end up with a dangerous mold problem. Hang in there, missy, I know it is hard. I'm sorry that it is when we are already down, that life sometimes seems to feel the urge to come over and give us another kick. (((Hugs)))

Reading through this thread has me feeling particularly emotional. I, too, am sorry about the loss of your beastie boy; and I am reminded that I will soon have to give up my two, due to moving. Every time I think about it, I am reduced to tears. First, there's "Vinnie the Chin", named after the mobster. He's a Pug, who Kenneth insisted on getting with the sole purpose of using him as a stud for his Pug, Katie. When he went to pick Vinnie up, he took my son with him. Once he got home, he gave Vinnie to "the boy" as an early Christmas present. Vinnie is nearly eight years old now, and is showing signs of his age, but he did his job and sired his first litter of puppies, when he was only six months old. He has since fathered a few other litters with several of the "ladies" in the area. Kenneth used to joke that that Pug got more action than he did, back when he was a teenager, sleeping with half the girls in school. Vinnie is a true lover, and will cuddle up with anyone willing to pet him. Then there's my Boo. She's a Pit Bull, who completely defies the stereotype of viscous dog. Aptly named, she has been known to run away from just about everything, including three year olds, strangers, and leaving the house/yard for any reason. She sort of fell into our laps, shortly after Kenneth's Katie died from bone cancer. Kenneth really wanted nothing to do with her, at first, but he warmed up to her. His last few days were spent playing with both our dogs, and he poured great affection on Vinnie and Boo. Mostly, though, Boo is my dog. She loves nothing more than being next to me, with her head in my lap or on my pillow. At home, where I go, she goes; and if I make the mistake of forgetting to leave the shower door cracked, when I go to take a shower, she will sit outside the shower, whining one of the most pitiful whines I have ever heard, until I get out or open the door.

I am so sorry this happened and you were hurt. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom or words of kindness to make you feel better, and I don't. Others can say things so much better than I can, at times. I just wanted you to know I read this, and that I am truly sorry.

Thankfully, the moment passed, and I came to realize something very important, something that made me feel like maybe I am getting close to crossing that nebulous line into BAG country. Yes, taking the time to read through those posts and to look at those pictures put me in a bad place. Yes, it triggered some grief crying. This time, though, I didn't stay in that place of grief for days on end, or for even a full day. Once I was able to fall asleep, I woke up feeling better. One small step forward for me, I guess.

Honestly, I remember feeling much this same way, at about the six month mark. All the progress I thought I had been making in months 4 and 5 suddenly disappeared, and everything in my life seemed completely pointless and directionless. I remember that sense of being trapped in my own life, of having to force myself out of the bed in the morning, and of grieving harder than I had, since the very first few weeks after my Kenneth died. I don't know why certain time periods seem to hit so much harder than others, but many have posted on the sixth month being especially hard. While I cannot speak for everyone, I can tell you, that for me, it did get a bit easier for a while, once I made it past the sixth and seventh months. Hopefully, you, too, will find some measure of peace or something in your life that makes it all feel a little less pointless.

While I don't typically say anything, I often notice when people disappear; and I often feel a deep sense of sadness to see others leave, though I understand that this will happen, from time to time. Each and every person here has a special place in my heart, because each of you has in some way helped me to survive the loss of my Kenneth, and I shall forever be grateful for that. Regardless of the reasons people leave, they are greatly missed by me, even if no one else notices, and even if I don't say anything about it. Each time someone goes, I feel as though a piece of my heart is gone, too. I missed whatever happened, and I am sorry to see that a few people have chosen to leave recently. I hope they realize their value to this community as a whole, and to me personally.

Thank you all so much for the warm wishes and congratulations. I officially turned in my resignation yesterday, and I meet with personnel at the new school district tomorrow, so I can get my orientation packet and start signing paperwork. Things are starting to sink in that this is really happening. Yikes!

I am so sorry that you had to lose your love, in order for this change to come about. I know it is of no real comfort that something good came from death, and I wish these changes could have been made before his death. Wishing you peace, and hoping your flashbacks will fade away.

Hands down, Honda CRV. It was the favorite car I ever owned, and I would get another one in a heartbeat, if I could. One a warm, summer day.....Walk to a local hole in the wall restaurant and sit on the patio for lunch, or stay at home/work and eat a frozen dinner inside, where the AC is running?

I am oh so sorry that you had this punch in the gut. It is unfortunate that people are able to post pictures of you and tag you in them, without getting your permission first. I know there are ways you can go about getting it taken down after the fact, but by then, the damage has been done. (((Hugs)))

Yes, I would agree that li is so very fragile. It seems everywhere we look, and everywhere we go, there is news of someone dying or being given a diagnosis of some form of terminal illness. It breaks my heart that others must suffer. I am so sorry to hear the news about this couple. Hugs, sweet lady.

In all honesty, I should have been de littering, in preparation for my upcoming move, some time ago. Yet I find I keep avoiding it, because I am still struggling with the idea of erasing him and of getting rid of things that he once owned, or touched, or wore, etc. I agree, it is hard.

I have officially been offered a teaching position near New Guy! It is THE position I wanted, doing what I do now, except with high school, rather than middle school students. This was the deciding factor, in whether I would be able to move this Summer, or not. Looks like I am going to be moving! Right now, I am filled with a mix of emotions, of which there are too many to list, without this becoming ridiculously long, but here are a few: 1) I am excited about starting a new life and seeing what the future holds. 2) I am sad to leave behind this house, this job, and this town, where I have spent so much of my life, and where so many happy memories were made. I feel like I am leaving my Kenneth behind, too. 3) I am a bit scared. Change is scary, starting over is scary, and leaving a tenured teaching position to start a new teaching position elsewhere is scary. 4) I am overwhelmed with all that needs to be done in the next few weeks to make this move happen. My health and level of exhaustion is going to make this move even more overwhelming than usual. 5) I am worried about my finances and being able to afford this move. I am also worried about my dogs, who may have to be given away, if I cannot find a place that will allow me to keep them. Anyway, my mind is in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, right now. I was so excited about the job offer, though, that I had to tell someone; and I didn't want to tell people IRL, until after I officially turned in a resignation from my current teaching position.

Kenneth and I spent many nights like that, too, and there are times, when I truly miss it.

Lately, I have been feeling a bit melancholic, but I haven't been dealing with overwhelming sadness and grief. I have just been feeling a bit out of sorts, lost, and adrift. Tonight, I was feeling a bit under the weather, yet was having trouble sleeping. For some unknown reason, I decided to go on my Kenneth's Facebook page and just leave a little note that I miss him. Then, I started reading through the posts I have made on his timeline in the last year, since he died, along with reading the posts of a few others. Next thing I know, I am reading further back, when he was still alive, and then I am looking at pictures of him that were posted. And now, the flood gates have opened, and I am a crying, grieving mess. I should have known better than to do a thing like that. Did I not learn anything from looking through his photo albums a short while back? Truthfully, I only do these kinds of things, when I am alone and feeling a need to connect with someone, anyone, even if it is to just connect with memories of my deceased husband. Apparently, I need more supervision to stop me from doing these kinds of things.

^^^^ I just wanted to say, I love this, and I think this is true of anyone, not just widows and widowers. Regardless of marital status, whether widowed, divorced, or never been married, almost everyone has had, or will have, at least one past relationship in their lives. Regardless of marital status, the ones who learn to pick themselves up and to try their utmost best to live well will always have more to offer in a new relationship than those who cannot do this.

I love simple gestures like this. Sounds like you have found a good man.