lcoxwell

I have to admit, this gave me a real laugh (though I am sorry online dating is not going well).

Sunshinedaydreamz, truthfully, the situation is not about him trying to control what I do or who I am friends with. I think, simply put, it is just a situation of him misunderstanding the reasons I come here and the importance of this site, in part, because he isn't a widower and can't completely relate (though he tries to understand), and in part, because he doesn't get how people can develop bonds and friendships over the internet with people they've never met in real life. I may steal bunny's description, when I talk to him again. He doesn't get the internet connection, but he might understand to soldier angle.

Thank you all for such wonderful and caring advice. Trying was right. New Guy did offer to provide some assistance with sorting, purging, and packing. I turned him down for two reasons: 1) He was severely allergic to the dogs I had at the time and would have had breathing difficulties, severe enough to need an inhaler, had I let him help, and 2) I initially didn't want anyone else, but me, to go through Kenneth's things. I had already decided to donate all the furniture, not because New Guy asked, but because I wanted a fresh start. His suggestion to leave things behind and pay to have someone haul them off came only after he saw the physical toll the move was taking on me. He did not make the suggestion, because he expected me to erase Kenneth from my life. Additionally, he helped me pay for hiring someone to empty the house, after I was gone. I am going to have to take some more time, before I truly make a decision. I plan to talk to him more, as well. He is not an unreasonable man. He just doesn't understand the importance of this site and the people here, and he is worried that my need to be here is an indication that I am not as ready to move forward in our relationship as I think. If I try to look at things from his perspective, I guess I could see why this bothers him and why he made the request. He hasn't been in my shoes, and doesn't understand that being here is not necessarily a sign of being unable to move forward. If our roles were reversed, I might feel the same way he does.

I am truly sorry that the tumor hasn't shrunk and that you are feeling so poorly. I can relate to the kids reminiscing about their Dad with memories you would rather not relive. Hang in there, lady. I hope things get better soon. (((Hugs)))

^^^ I think Jess summed the whole situation up perfectly with this one sentence.^^^ My New Guy is an incredibly private man, who rarely shares his inner thoughts and feelings with anyone. Because he is such a private man, he never goes on social media sites of any kind. That complicates things, just a bit. He doesn't understand how it is even possible to genuinely care about people I have only met online, because, to him, you are all just names on a computer screen. He doesn't get that it is possible to develop a bond with people, who share a similar trauma, even though I have never met any of you in person. While he realizes that there was a need to come here early on, he doesn't understand why I would still feel the need to continue coming here nearly a year and a half later. Though I try to explain just how much this site, and the people here, mean to me, I just cannot seem to find the right words to make him understand. Since he is such a private man, I know he never would have made the request in the first place, unless this has really been bothering him and weighing on his mind. I am deeply touched that he trusts me enough to open up and tell me how he feels. I truly want to be able to honor his request, because his happiness means everything to me. In my heart of hearts, though, I am simply not ready to take that step, just yet. While I no longer feel the need to be here every single day, sometimes multiple times a day, I am not ready to completely give up the place, and the people, who were there to throw me a life jacket, when I was drowning in grief; and I am not ready to walk away from the opportunities to return some of the caring and support that was once shared with me. Reading and posting here has been instrumental in my journey through grieving and learning to live again, and I continue to draw strength from this site, even now. For the moment, I think I shall keep my time here separate from my time with New Guy. We live in separate homes, so that should be easy enough, for now. Somehow, keeping things separate bothers me, though. It feels like I am hiding something from him, even though that is not really the case. Should he ask, I would tell him I am still coming here to read and to post. Sadly, though, my attempts to avoid throwing it in his face that I cannot do the one thing he has asked of me, have left me feeling as though I am being dishonest. Does that sound crazy?

I often times say that my Kenneth was the most stubborn, bullheaded, difficult man I ever met. When he and I first got together, we argued over EVERYTHING, and I have never been one to argue. Over time, I realized that much of his desire to argue and fight were his attempt to push me away. Every serious relationship he had ever had ended badly, and he was convinced that I would end up leaving him. In his mind, driving me away would be better than seeing me walk away on my own. It took a long time for me to convince him that I meant it, when I said, "Till death do us part." Once he came to realize that I did truly love him and would stand by his side, no matter what, he stopped lashing out at me and our marriage eventually became a pretty good one. Sometimes, it was so very difficult to let go of the pain and the hurt. My method of dealing with letting go may be a tad bit unorthodox; however, knowing you have a belief in God, I thought I would pass it along to you. Any time I was feeling hurt or bitter or angry, I started praying for him. I started asking God to intervene and to allow us to truly feel the love we should have for each other. I asked God to bring understanding and to take the pain and anger away. I also asked God to bless my Kenneth and to bring him happiness and peace. I found that the more I prayed for him, the harder it was to hold on to the hurtful past. Anyway, since you asked, that's how I let go.

I didn't know your Joe, but I have come to know you (at least in part) through this board. Your love for him shines through in your words, and I have seen the progress you have made on this journey into life with him. From all that I have seen and know, I think your Joe would be proud, too.

My Kenneth slipped into a coma our youngest son's 18th birthday. He held on long enough to see him "become a man"; and then he left us two days later, six days shy of his 51st birthday....

Oh, how true this is! You will find that there will be well-meaning people, who are honestly trying to be supportive, but have no true idea of what you are going through. They will say all kinds of things, in an attempt to be helpful and to encourage. Only, their kind intentions end up causing far more pain than they realized. There are others, who are honestly at a loss for words and simply have no idea what they should be saying, so they end up saying all the wrong things. Some others may be heartless and callous, saying things that are meant to cause you pain, but I find those people to be the exception and not the rule, generally speaking. I, too, adopted the "nod and smile" method of dealing with them, and just learned to only listen to those who genuinely understood or made great efforts to. The truth is, there is no way over, under, or around grieving. You must go through it, one way or another. Trying to avoid it, trying to only look at the positive and not deal with all that you have lost, will only cause you more problems emotionally and physically down the road. Of course, you do not always want to be steeped in the misery, wallowing in grief. From time to time, as you are ready, you do need to look at some positives, too, or you will never heal. The keys words there are "as you are ready". Until then, grieve in any way that you see fit, because there are no rules and no timelines in this process; and everyone must travel their own journey along this path.

I am so very glad that the day ended up being better than you had initially thought, and that you found some solace. I am also so very sorry that your Don could not be there to celebrate the day with you. Personally, I would have to agree with MrsDan. I have seen it discussed, many times, that the build up was worse than the actually day. For me, the buildup is often completely miserable, and the actual day just leaves me feeling so lost and empty. Thankfully, I am feeling less empty, since I moved, but I still have those days. (((Hugs)))

I am with Maureen. My heart aches for you and all that you have lost. I hope that one, the pain lessens a bit for you, and that you won't always feel so broken. (((Hugs)))

There is something about those nice guys that grows on you. I am glad that you found him, and wish you luck and happiness.

Mizpah, I love your post and how you managed to speak so many of the thoughts I have had, but didn't have the words to say. I think I would agree that I simply just feel alive again. And mawidow, the next to last line of your post really and truly resonated with me.

I read this part of your post and could completely, COMPLETELY relate to this! I have often felt this same way, since even before my Kenneth died. I've missed that part about me, and I am so very glad that I can see my "real" self, once again.

Welcome, Fran! I am so sorry that you have had to join us, but so glad that you found us. I cannot tell you how much coming here, reading, and posting has helped in the healing process. I hope that you can find the sense of comfort that I have found here.

Thank you all for such wonderful and thoughtful responses. I should clarify that my New Guy is a remarkable man, who has been supportive in every way. He doesn't make demands or tell me what I can and cannot do. As a few of you mentioned, it was a request, not a demand, and it was made because he was honest in saying it bothered him that I come here so often. In truth, there was a time when I did a kamcho does. I would come here and read and share parts with him, so he could understand my reality. I don't do that any more, but I also do not hide the fact that I come here. He and I have a very open and honest relationship, and I do not keep things from him. Here is the thing: Like everyone else, he has a few insecurities (not many, but a few). His request came from feeling insecure about one part of our relationship. My thoughts are, I do not want to step away from the board and the people I feel I have come to care about so deeply; however, I truly love him. What kind of person would I be, if I didn't give consideration to his feelings, when he has been there for me and helped me through some of my darkest days?

Simired: One thing about moving, walking away, and leaving it all behind is that it is easy to unpack and get settled, especially since I only brought absolute necessities. Last Friday, I went out with some of the other new teachers to celebrate "surviving" our first week of school. During the conversation, we talked about the struggle of not getting paid until October and the struggle of moving. I told them how I had left everything behind and am now living the life of a student, who is fresh out of college and has no furniture. I laughed and told my coworkers that I was sleeping on what was my son's twin bed and using the dresser that was his, since I no longer wanted the bed that my husband died in. I also told them that I have two deck chairs in the living room, which I have decorated with throw pillows and blankets, so I wouldn't have to bring the living room furniture that Kenneth and my daughter had once bought together with me; and I have the desk that was once sitting in my daughter's room. I am also using the chair from her room to have a place to sit in my dining area, but I left behind the dining room table, that was Kenneth's from before we were married. A few minutes before I had told them about my furniture situation, they had joked about buying batteries for one of the teachers. After I told them my story, I had to laugh, when they joked that they were going to forget buying her batteries and were going to take up a collection to buy me furniture instead. I think once I do get furniture, I am going to invite them over for dinner.

It has been almost a year and a half, since my Kenneth died. For just over a year, I have been happily involved in a relationship with a wonderful man, who has been there with me, and for me, every step of the way in the grieving process. He has allowed me to grieve, given me time and patience, held me as I cried, and loved me unconditionally. He knows just when to be supportive, and he knows when to give me space. He is my rock. I could not have asked for a more perfect partner in life. In the beginning, New Guy had no problem with me spending my time here, on this site. Recently, though, he made the request that I step away from the board and stop coming here to read and to post. In his mind, my coming here to read and post means that I am still holding on to my past life with Kenneth. He worries that as long as I am coming here, I am not fully ready to move forward and commit my life to him. New Guy feels that my coming here means others continue to see me as Kenneth's wife and as a widow, rather than as the woman who loves him and wants to build a life with him. From his perspective, as long as I am coming here, he is sharing me with Kenneth, and he doesn't want to share anymore. To him, I am now starting a new life, and he believes I should not feel the need to come here anymore. The reality is, I don't visit this site, because I feel the need for support, at least most of the time. On the other hand, I feel a special bond with the people here, who helped me pick up the pieces of my life and gave me the understanding that people in my real life could not give. I am grateful to have you all in my life; and I have the desire to encourage those, who are new in this journey, and to return the support I have been given. I've tried to explain why I come here in a way that he will understand; but as perfectly wonderful as he has been, for some reason he cannot grasp the idea that I can fully love him and still want the bonds I have formed with the widows/widowers here to continue. I am torn. I truly do not want to walk away from this site and all of you, who have become so near and dear to my heart. At the same time, I want to respect his feelings, particularly since he asks very little of me. That being said, if you were in my shoes, what would you do? Have any of your new significant others asked you to step away from this site or made similar requests? If so, how did you handle it?

I have to admit, things are different for me. I loved my Kenneth dearly, and I know he truly loved me; but, he was work. My life with him was filled with constant ups and downs, as is often the case with long term care-giving. For years, he lived with intense levels of pain, and the build up of toxins in his brain caused mood swings and personality changes. There were times, when our relationship was as close to perfect as any relationship could be; however, there were just as many times in which both of us were struggling with misunderstandings and hurt feelings. On the other hand, New Guy and I have that kind of relationship in which there was almost immediate chemistry. Everything about our relationship is easy and natural. When I am with him, there is a sense of peace and belonging that I never felt with Kenneth (or anyone else, for that matter). I often feel guilty about that, as if I am somehow betraying Kenneth and turning my back on him. Then I remember how badly he wanted me to live and love again, and that knowledge allows me to fully appreciate the happiness and the perfect fit that I have with my New Guy.

Congratulations, Hunter! I am so happy for you. I hope that you have a long and joyous life together.

Lately, I have been really contemplating look2thesky's question from a while back which asked, "When did you know you were beyond active grieving?" and have been thinking quite a bit about my own grieving process. After I passed the one year anniversary of Kenneth's death, about 6 months ago, the grieving that I have been experiencing has been slowly shifting. I've been wondering if maybe, possibly, I was finally reaching the point where I could say that I, too, was "beyond active grieving". I've been wavering on the edge for a while, now, but knew I wasn't quite ready to make the leap to this part of the board. This weekend, I had trouble sleeping. As I lay in the bed, with thoughts racing through my mind, it suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't actively grieving the loss of my beloved Kenneth, anymore. The symbolic gesture that was made a month ago, when I walked out of my old house, leaving behind the things that were "his" and "ours" (in order to start a new life), was also the stepping stone I needed to cross over that nebulous line between "active grieving" and "beyond active grieving". While I realize that triggers can pop up at any moment (which could cause the waves of grief to come crashing down over my head again), my focus is now on the future, and on the life I plan to build with my New Guy, rather than on looking back and focusing on the life I once had, and can never get back. I will never "get over" losing my Kenneth. I will never stop missing him. I will never stop loving him. But, I can move forward and enjoy the life I have in front of me. I can carry the love he had for me in my heart, knowing he loved me until his dying breath, without it crippling me or breaking me. He taught me just how short and precious life can be and to appreciate each and every moment. I can look back on the life I had with him and know that I had a good life; and I can look forward and know that I am ready to fully live and to wholly love again.

I think about connections, too, whether the connection is through numbers or some other connection. Kenneth and I had a connection with the number 13, as well. On March 10th, 2001, I said goodbye for the very first time, when I flew out to visit him and then flew back to NC (in order to pack my things and move to CA to be with him). On March 10th, 2014, exactly 13 years later, I said goodbye for the final time, when he died. I sure miss that man.

I'm sorry I haven't been around lately and haven't given any updates, since right before my big move. For those who have been worried, thank you for checking up on me. You reminded me, once again, why the people here hold such a special place in my heart. My move was much harder on me than I ever expected. I ended up losing 10 pounds in a week, had very little sleep the week of the move, and nearly ended up in the hospital. I had to make the choice to delay my move, so I could slow down and take more time to go through things and pack properly, or end up in the hospital again. Neither was a workable solution. New Guy made the suggestion that I contact my landlady, offer to pay to have someone come in any haul everything away, and just walk away from it all (since I was looking for a fresh start and new beginning, anyway). For my own sanity and health, that's what I ended up doing. I only brought the absolute most important few belongings and the essential necessities. Everything else, that I hadn't already taken care of, was left behind. It wasn't how I wanted to do things, but I think New Guy's solution was absolutely brilliant. Other than a few things I wished I had packed and forgot about, due to the health problems and lack of sleep, mostly I am glad I did things the way I did. There was a sense of comfort in looking around my old house one last time and seeing several of Kenneth's things right where he had always kept them. There was also a sense of freedom and lightness in just letting go.

You open the cabinet to get out a new trash bag and find the pliers you had been looking for (for several days) inside the box of garbage bags; and you cannot figure out for the life of you, why it would be there of all places.

I am down to my final two days, and then I will be hitting the road and starting a new life. For the most part, I have been able to toss out or give away most of Kenneth's things, with little difficulty. This is somewhat surprising to me, and I am thinking that I could be in shock and will have a complete meltdown, once I slow down and realize just how few of his things I am keeping. So far, only two things have left me completely paralyzed as to what to do with, and one of them would have brought me to tears, had my son not been in the room with me. I am still in complete panic mode about the U-haul and am still worried about how much is still left to do. I may have a sleepless night tonight, trying to finish up the packing on time. Please, continue to keep me in your prayers or send good wishes and positive thoughts. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my entire life, and I am really being flooded with an overwhelming mix of emotions.