lcoxwell

^^^ This is where I am at, with Kenneth's things, except his things are in the garage. If I weren't moving in less than a month, I think I would gladly leave it all right where it is, untouched. Were I in your shoes, I think I would be upset, too. No one has the right to tell you what you should do with your husband's things. It is your right to go through his things, or not, when you are ready, and not a minute before. Telling you they will sell it and keep half the money, now that takes a lot of gall! I am sorry this is causing you additional stress and that the timing is so bad. (((Hugs)))

I, for one, do not think you are totally screwed up. You have suffered a terrible, unexpected loss; you have been through a number of changes in less than a year; and you have done your best to try and rebuild your life. While I cannot tell you why dreams like yours occur, or even if there is any meaning behind them, I can rcognize how having such a dream would be disturbing. For what it is worth, I have had a few disturbing dreams, since my Kenneth died, and have had the thought, more than once, that I was glad Kenneth (or the version of him in my dream) wasn't here. (((Hugs)))

New Guy and I are at the local high school near his house, listening to an outdoor concert and waiting on the fireworks to start in a bit. This is the high school, where I will start my new teaching position next month. He's been teasing me that I better enjoy my last year of anonymity, before everyone starts recognizing me as one of the teachers.

Fourteen years ago today, my Kenneth and I spent our cry first 4th of July together. Hands down, it was probably the best day we ever had together, both as a family and as a couple. Everything from the time we got out of bed that morning, to the family gathering, to the fireworks, to the intense make out session in his brother's pool (after everyone else went to sleep, of course), to what still sticks in my mind as some of the best sex I ever had, was just perfect. There hasn't been a 4th of July since then, that I haven't thought about those hours in the pool, the intimate conversations we had that night, or the closeness we shared. Those memories came flooding back again today. Now that he is gone, those memories cause me to miss him so much more intensely than usual. I would give anything to be able to rewind time to just a few minutes of that first 4th of July together.

I know I am a day late, but happy anniversary, and I wish you many, many more to come!

I am so sorry about your phone and that you are struggling. I do hope you are able to get your phone screen repaired, so you don't lose your cherished messages. If not, your phone carrier might have a way to recover them. It wouldn't hurt to ask. (((Hugs)))

My friend, I was so happy to read this thread and to see just a glimmer of hope. Sometimes, that glimmer may not seem like much, and other times, that glimmer of hope can change our whole perspective on life. It is my wish for you that this glimmer will grow into something more for you, than the despair you have been feeling, lately. So much of what you said resonated with me. I can relate to those days of not wanting to get out of bed and the feelings of hopelessness, though I don't often post about those days. I can also relate to wondering why I am still here, though I am not suicidal, either. And the crying jags? I am right there with you lately. It seems like every time I turn around, I am crying these days. The eternal optimist in me seems to always find that small piece of determination to keep pushing and to keep searching for some measure of contentment, or joy, or happiness, though; and every now and then, even if it is just for a moment or two, I actually find it. I so want you to be able to find those moments, as well. ((((Hugs))))

This is another thread, that I have come back to a few times in the last few days. I wanted to add something meaningful and heartfelt, and just haven't had the right words to express what I wanted to say. I think several of those, who responded before me, have said what I wanted to say so much more eloquently than I seem to be able to, right now. I wanted to echo what some have said. You have been such a strong support and have helped so many of us, as we struggle down this path. You have also had obstacles to overcome, that many of us cannot even imagine, and yet you still manage to encourage the rest of us. Maybe you cannot see the resilience and motivation within yourself, but the rest of us can see it. Of course you struggle. As you said, you have suffered a "massive" loss, with the loss of your T. When the one person, who loved you above all others, who supported you and lifted you up, who built a life with you is gone, there is no just getting over it. You lost a vital part of yourself, with the loss of your love; but that doesn't mean it isn't within you to find motivation, resilience, or even some measure of happiness. It is my earnest hope that you are able to find all of these sooner, rather than later.

I have come back to this thread and read it several times, over the last few days. I have really been thinking about this concept of all that our wedding rings represent to us and how our losses may have changed our perceptions, as we look at other people. I wonder if our losses make us notice rings on others more so than the average person notices? Personally, I haven't worn my rings, since shortly before my Kenneth died. He had lost so much weight, that his ring fell off and was lost. He was so bothered by the fact that his ring was gone, that I took mine off, to ease his guilt. For the longest time, I didn't think twice about it. Then, he was gone, and I placed a whole new meaning to those rings. I, too, have found I am much more likely to look for rings on other people, now that I am widowed. Like many of the rest of you, I don't think about whether others have a happy marriage, or not, I just see the ring and automatically begin to feel a mix of emotions. I think how fortunate they are to have someone to love them. I become jealous. I feel the loneliness, wonder if others notice that I have no rings, and wonder what they must think about the fact that there's no rings on my left hand. I long to be married again, to have those rings, which represent the love, the security, the bond, and the sense of belonging. At the same time, I am in a new relationship and cannot bring myself to wear my rings, anymore, out of respect for my new relationship. In my mind, it's a good thing that there are no definite rules about whether we should or should not wear our rings, or for how long we should wear them. We can do what makes us feel comfortable, and I don't think it is a measure of whether one of us is doing better, or handling our widowhood any more successfully, than anyone else. I will say that this thread peaked my curiosity, so I asked some of my single friends if they typically paid attention to whether other people are wearing wedding rings. Most of them mentioned they only noticed, when they were "on the prowl". So for those of us, who worry about how other people view us, in light of whether we wear our rings or not, I don't think it matters as much to non-widows and non-widowers. Of course, that is just my opinion.

I am so sorry this happened to you, and especially sorry that it has affected your kids. Sometimes, I cannot decide if people are just deliberately despicable, or if people are just so self-absorbed that they simply don't think. I guess there are both types in this world. Despite how you have been treated, and I know it truly hurts, I hope that you are able to enjoy your weekend. Going beyond that, I hope you and your children will be able to rise above this thoughtlessness of others, maybe even finding that you have a better time without them, than you would have had with them.

I found a new home for my dogs! My best friend from college, who lives 1000s of miles away, knew how much I was stressing over my fur babies and said he would take them. Timing is everything. My son has been offered a job and is moving less than an hour away from my college friend. The ex is coming to help move my son, so the two of them can transport the dogs across the country for me. The ex is not overjoyed about traveling with dogs, but he nearly killed me once, so I figure he owes me. Having my son with them will help my neurotic dogs stress less, while traveling, which eases some of my stress. I will admit, I am still having a hard time with the idea of having to give up my dogs, who are my world, in many ways. If my Kenneth were still alive, I wouldn't have to be looking for a new home for them. Admittedly, it has crossed my mind several times, in the last few days, that I would dearly love to kick that man in the butt for dying on me and putting me in this position.

My "little happy' this morning was receiving a series of texts from my son that made me giggle. He should seriously be a comedian.

I am so happy that you are enjoying your job, and that you no longer need to work so late at night! I would also have to concur with you on what you said about meeting widows/widowers at key moments along the way. I have experienced this, also. I have to admit, it is because of them, and the support I have found here, that I have made it through nearly 16 months of widowhood, without spending the entire time in a huddled mass, crying all the time.

While taking a shower this afternoon, Vinnie the Pug, was pawing at the shower door, prompting me to crack the door, just a touch. Silly Pug stuck his nose in, like he was checking to see that I was okay, then turned and walk away. Goofy dog made me laugh.

Oh, Ursula, I so get this. I recently had a grocery store meltdown over fresh cherries that were on sale. (((Hugs)))

Those crazy, emotional roller coasters! I wish we could live our lives without them, but I guess they are a testament and a reminder of our love. Wishing you much peace, as you face the day.

My "little happy" for today came in the form of a text from New Guy, who asked if I would like to go shopping with him for a new washing machine. Since the plan is to get married some time in the next year, this will be our first official purchase for what will one day be "our" house. I am so excited! My other "little happy" came in the form of orange jello. Ever since I was in the hospital ICU, I seem to have developed an obsession with orange jello. To quote a favorite student of mine, "That stuff is the bomb diggity!"

I have had an unusual conversation today, about the toll of long-term, extreme caregiving on the body. First, my doctor brought it up, by asking me if I had considered seeing a psychiatrist. Long story, short, it is still up in the air as to whether I actually had a mild stroke a little over a month ago, or not. All the tests were clear, which my Bible-believing, devout Christian mother would say is simply because people were praying for me, so God answered prayer and provided healing. To me, that makes perfect sense, but I know not everyone believes the way I do. The other possibility is that stress and anxiety triggered a very real physical reaction, which I am still very slowly recovering from. I could tell my doctor was trying to be careful in her approach, when she brought up the idea that there could be a psychiatric link to my physical issues. We discussed the fact that I was raped, while in college, nearly strangled to death a few years later, that I had spent a few years as a single mom, that I spent 13 years as an extreme caregiver, that I lost my husband to death just over a year ago, that I am struggling financially, and that I am getting ready to move and start a new teaching position. From her perspective, any of those could be enough to trigger some of my physical issues. We, as widows/widowers in extreme caregiving situations are aware of the toll that it takes on our bodies, and research does show that we often experience more illness than usual, during the first year or two of widowhood. Knowing this, I told the doctor I am open to the idea that there could be a psychiatric link to my physical health, that it is not out of the realm of possibility. My only concern was the fact that, as a general rule, I tend to handle stress quite well, after years of necessity. Her response surprised me. She said it is typically the ones who hold it together best, who are more prone to having the psychiatric link to physical illness. She said that those who fall apart have a release and are able to let it go. Those who hold it together, keep all of that stress and anxiety inside, and eventually, that has to come out somehow. It was an ah-ha moment for me, that also makes perfect sense. So now I have a question for other extreme caregivers. Have any of the rest of you been in the situation that doctors have suggested the stress and anxiety has taken a toll on your body, even though you thought you were handling the stress okay, all things considered?

Truly, I am sorry. I don't have a whole lot advice, these days, other than to say just take things one step at a time, remember to breathe, and try your best not to panic, unless the doctor tells you that you should. I know this is so hard. (((Hugs)))

I must admit, I am jumping on the "It sucks!" bandwagon, too, these days. I am sorry you are feeling depressed. I hope it passes quickly. Sorry I don't have anything motivational or helpful to add.

I will be honest, my Kenneth died a very slow, long, painful, drawn out death. For years, we thought over and over again that the end was near, and yet, he continued to beat the odds. Then, out of the blue, he made the decision he had had enough and wanted to stop all life saving medical treatment. Within a week, he was gone. Even knowing that death is coming, it still seems to find a way to sneak up on you, and there are so many things you wish you could have done differently, so many times you would have held onto and cherished more, so many moments you would have savored.....

I am sorry you are having to face such a significant first birthday without him. I know it hurts, and I wish there was something to take the pain away. As the others have said, it isn't fair, and it just plain sucks. If you can, try to find something good to focus on, the memory of your last birthday together or some other good memory to hang on to. (((Hugs)))

I was sitting on the edge of my bed, going through a few things, when I looked up to find my son, with just his head sticking in the doorway. He never said a word, just grinned, and went on his merry way (after getting the dogs wound up, so that they came flopping over, right in the middle of the pile of papers, I was trying to organize). I am really going to miss that boy and those dogs, when we all move next month.

Candace, I have come back to your post a few times, over the last couple of days, wanting to have something meaningful and helpful to say. I truly just have no words and no advice, that doesn't sound like I am trying to patch up a gaping wound with a bandaid. I truly am sorry for all that you are going through, and wish there was something more I could do or say, to take your pain away. All I can say is to just keep focusing on getting through one minute at a time, just keep breathing, and just keep turning to the resources you have for support.

Thank you so much, for making me smile. I cannot tell you how much I needed this, the last couple of days.