lcoxwell

Since I have not had a chance to check in lately, I thought I would drop in for a moment and give you all an update. I am now down to a few last days, before I move. Trying to downsize from a very full four bedroom house (with a very stuffed attached garage) to a simple one-bedroom apartment, is not an easy task. I am being forced to finally go through my Kenneth's things, which is the one thing I had not been able to do, up to this point. Now, I have no choice, which is maybe a good thing. I have yet to decide whether it's good that I have so much yet to do, so that I cannot allow myself time to sit and grieve or mourn all this loss. I expect the reality will hit me at some point, when I least expect it, and will likely bring me to my knees. For now, though, I am just feeling a combination of numbness and excitement about the future. At the moment, I am also feeling so overwhelmed with all that still needs to be done, and I am really stressing my ability to get it all taken care of. Trying to do all of this alone, with no support and no help from family or friends is so much harder than I ever expected. To complicate matters, my phone and Internet are currently turned off, until I move on Friday, which makes it a bit harder to take care of address changes and such. I am also down to my last few pennies, which means I don't have gas money to run all the errands to take care of the things I cannot take care of by phone. My other big, big, BIG worry is that I do not have a credit card, nor do I have the $50 needed to reserve the U-haul for moving my things. I've gone by the rental company, and they say they think one will be available, but they cannot guarantee it. Since I cannot reserve the truck, I am having to take my chances. I don't know what I will do, if they don't have one for me, when I need it. At the moment, though, there is nothing I can do about it, but pray. For those of you who pray, please, please, please say a prayer that there will be a U-haul I can use, when I need it. I would greatly appreciate it so very much. For those who have been posting, I am sorry I do not have time to read what you have written. I will Ty to catch up some time next week, once I get settled in my new place.

I feel like I have done the opposite, and my faith has grown, since my Kenneth died. Growing up, I had a family that was very strong and steadfast in their faith. My parents had me and my sister in church every time the church doors were open, unless we were sick or out of town, for whatever reason. I grew up knowing that God answers prayer. I also grew up knowing that sometimes, God's answer is no, and that we may not always understand why He chooses to answer prayers in the way that He does. I have seen God answer many prayers and provide healing, and I have seen times, when good people died. So the fact that my Kenneth died at a young age really and truly did not cause me to question my faith in the least. In Kenneth's final years, he reached a point in which he could no longer be left alone, and I had to stop attending church in order to stay home and take care of him. During those years, I found that my faith faltered, a bit, but it was always there, in my core being. After he died, I was able to return to church, and I have seen my relationship with God and my faith greatly improve. For me, having the opportunity to go to church, to serve a God, and to meet with other like-minded Christians feeds my soul and gives me spiritual strength that I would not have, otherwise. My New Guy is also a man of Christian faith, and I find that my faith in God has also improved, since being with him, because he and I attend church together, pray together, and occasionally read the Bible or watch sermons of favorite pastors together.

Maureen and I seem to be pretty similar in our openness about things. I generally am pretty open about my widow status, though I don't necessarily dwell on it or give long explanations. As a side note, though, I am also now in a solid, happy relationship with someone else. As he and I spend more time together and have more experiences to share and talk about, I find I am spending less time talking about my deceased husband and more time talking about my New Guy.

You go into the same room three times, in a row, and still forget what you went in there for. I've done this a couple of times today, going back and forth from the living room to the bedroom, with a picture in my hand, because I kept forgetting to get the box I needed out of the bedroom, in order to pack it away.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with mixed feelings and feelings of regret, while also dealing with feelings that are coming up about your Jim. None of this is easy, and I think it does complicate things, when our relationships with in-laws are stained (at least for me, it does). Anyway, I am sending you tight, tight cyber hugs and hoping you will find some peace.

I remember how surrealistic it was to reach that 6 month mark. A part of me felt a sense of relief, that I was still here, still surviving, one day at a time. Another part of me struggled, because "graduating" meant I was moving further away from him. You are right. We do survive, whether we want to, or not.

Time seems to take on a whole new meaning, after the deaths of our spouses. Days seem like years, and a year can seem like just yesterday. Just keep taking one day at a time and doing what you can. I think we have all cried in public a time, or two. It's all part of the process.

It seems like many of us have had to face this issue of having difficulty socializing, after the death of our spouses. Over time, it does get easier. A few of the things that helped me included making myself get out of the house at least one time a week, making sure that wherever I went I had to speak to at least one other person; picking up the phone and calling at least one friend or family member every few days, rotating who I called; and attending community events, such as plays or concerts, in which I could be with people, without having to carry on prolonged conversations. Fortunately, my children were grown, which was a slight advantage, since I did not have to worry about finding babysitters. On the other hand, since I lived in a very small community, and had no children's parties or play dates to attend, I had to be more creative in finding social activities. Frankly, it was a lot of work and there were times when I truly struggled to hold it together, but it was very much worth it, for me.

Personally, I do not think it is wrong to be apathetic about his death, based on what you have written about him. If I were in your shoes, I likely would feel the same way you do.

I will gladly pray for the children and for your friend. I will also tack on a little prayer or two for you, and for the problems you are facing, as I know how hard it can be, when life continues to beat you down at every turn. (((Hugs)))

My experience in teaching is that every school has a few teachers, who are less comfortable with the technology than others, even experienced teachers. Just take a deep breath and relax, if you can. With time and practice, you will get comfortable with the technology.

I just had a talk with my landlady. I have been renting this house for 11-1/2 years. I have a long history of paying the rent on time, up until this last year, since Kenneth died. This year, I had gotten behind a bit. I have been struggling and doing everything I can to try and catch up, but still owe about $1000. She just informed me that, if I can stick to the July 31st move out day, she will write off the other money I owe her. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to have this worry off of my shoulders.

Welcome, though I am so very sorry you have a reason to be here. There aren't any good resources for young widows where I am from either, but I have found that the people here have provided far better support than I ever could have imagined. I hope that coming here will be as helpful, for you. Please, try the best you can to take care of yourself. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Just take one thing at a time. Most of all, just breathe. Remember that, for now, all you need to focus on is what is necessary to make it through one day, one hour, one minute at a time, if you need to.

I honestly have no words, but I wanted you to know that I hear you and that I understand. (((Hugs)))

At just past 16 months, I cannot tell you how many times I have said that I just feel lost, recently. I don't even have the words to describe how lost I am, or how my life seems to be turned upside down. I have no motivation, and I don't seem to care about anything. *sigh

^^^^ This is so me right now! I have always hated moving, but it is especially hard doing this alone. I have decided that someone needs to start a charitable organization that goes around, assisting widows and widowers with moving. It should be a team, with a counselor to help work through the grieving and to talk about the memories that sorting and packing all those belongings bring up. Then there should be an organizer, who can assist with all the little details. Add a few people to do the heavy lifting, and to make the runs to the dump or to charitable organizations, and provide the service for free. All the widow/widower would have to do is work with the team and tell them what to get rid of and what to keep.

I am right there with you, Trying. My move is planned in just under three weeks, and I am a wreck! When I read your post, my thought was that this is exactly how I am thinking and feeling these days. I guess we just need to take deep breaths and take one thing at a time. We will get through this! (((Hugs)))

I absolutely love this! Thank you so much for sharing. I especially love the picture, and the message of hope that it portrays. Big hugs to you, and warm wishes for a brighter future.

Not wanting to hide things from New Guy, I immediately told him about the situation. He did chide me a little about it, but was not unreasonable or mean-spirited. His advice was to call the manager of the apartment right away, which I did. New Guy and I both agreed it would be better that the manager hear it from me, before he received the notification from the bank that the check had bounced. I explained the situation to the manager, as clearly as I could, even mentioning I had received the email confirmation from my new bank that the money had been transferred, before I wrote the check. As it turns out, another current renter had a similar situation earlier in the week, which went in my favor. The manager simply asked that I write another check. I offered to pay any additional charges that might have incurred, but he said it was not necessary this time. He also thanked me for being honest and for taking care of the situation right away. Anyway, I now have the gate code and I go in about two weeks to sign the lease and pick up the keys. I got the apartment! I feel like I can breathe again, at least until I have to start packing and going through Kenneth's things again. This is so, so hard!

I have been mostly away from the board for the last few days, so I am just now getting around to responding. Every person I have ever known, who has worked with hospice or gone through a hospice situation with a loved one, has always said how important it is to talk with your loved one, to hold your loved one's hand, and to tell him/her it is okay to let go. I have truly never heard of anyone saying not to talk to the person or touch them. Perhaps, your siblings are confused, or received faulty information? My advice would be to follow the advice that others here have mentioned. Your time with your dad is so very short. Do what will bring you and your dad the most comfort, because you will never have an opportunity to go back and do things differently. If your family has strong concerns that you are doing something that you shouldn't, kindly refer them to a local hospice worker or suggest they do a little more research. In the meantime, you have mentioned a few times that your family members aren't mean spirited. From what I have read of your posts, they seem to be genuinely worried, about you and about your dad, and possibly for good reason; though they may have gone about expressing those concerns in the wrong manner. If they aren't mean spirited, then your choice to be with your dad and to spend that time in a way that is comforting to you, likely will not damage the relationship any more than it already is. On the other hand, if you don't do what you feel is right, you may end up regretting it and being resentful. That will definitely drive an even bigger wedge between you and your family.

I am sitting here in tears, completely numb, and at a total loss as to what to do. Thanks to widda brain and a stupid mistake, I am likely going to lose out on the apartment I put a deposit on a few days ago. I am going to have to tell New Guy, too; and I don't even have the words. To try and make a long story short, on Monday, I was a little over two hours away from home, looking at possible apartments. I found one I like and went by the bank to deposit the money I would need for the deposit on the apartment, then wrote a check and gave it to the manager. Here is my problem. Since I am moving, I am in the process of changing banks, because there are no branches of the credit union I have been using in the town I am moving to. I don't have checks yet from my new bank. Anyway, I deposited the money into the new bank and arranged for a wire transfer to the old bank, since I was not in town to deposit the money directly into my old bank. I paid extra money I could not afford, to make sure it was a same day wire transfer. I received an email confirmation from the new bank, saying the transfer had been completed and went online to check the balance to verify the funds had been sent. My mistake was that I did not check the balance at my old bank to make sure they received the funds. Such a stupid, stupid mistake. I should have known to check. A couple of days later, it finally occurs to me to check the balance. I had assumed that my old bank would make the funds available immediately, but they didn't. Because the transfer was arranged online, they hold the funds for 3 days.The funds have not been applied to my account and, in the meantime, the deposit check bounced.

Maureen, I am thinking of you, as you continue your travels, spend time with your niece, and visit various widows/widowers along the way. I really wish I had the chance to meet up with you, as you travel through Southern California. I'm sorry your John is not with you to enjoy the adventure and to share the experience. I admire you, for bringing your niece along and letting her see some of the country, while still dealing with grief. When you speak of crying quietly, my heart breaks for you. I have spent so many times in the last 15 months, enjoying activities in the presence of others, when the grief would hit. I , too, have tried to hide the tears. This is such a difficult path to follow, but follow we must. Safe travels to you. (((Hugs)))

I have been getting the kissing, just no sex. In fact, I was just thinking the other day that it has been so long, since I have had any kind of sex, that I actually do not remember what it feels like. One day, I am sure I will greatly appreciate the fact that New Guy and I are sticking to our morals and not having sex outside of marriage; however, there are times, like tonight, when I dearly wish that man was a tad more like my Kenneth and would just take my clothes off and whisk me away to bed, married or not.

I am so sorry you are hurting, right now, and I am sorry that your love cannot be there to share your anniversary with you. I wish I had better words, or something more I could say or do to make things better, or easier, somehow. Sadly, there is no magic wand and my ability to form meaningful thoughts just isn't what it used to be. What I can do, though, is to send cyber hugs and tell you that I will be thinking of you on your anniversary, and that I hope you will be filled with a sense of peace, rather than sadness.

I am a couple of months behind you, but just a few weeks back, I noted that I seem to be on a cycle of making some steps forward, feeling a little more positive, and then the grief monster rearing it's ugly head and starting all over again, about once every three months. In the little over a year, since I have been reading and posting on YWBB and here, I have noted that others comment on certain anniversaries being a little harder than others. For example, months 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, and 18 all seem to be times, where people make posts of feeling like they are taking steps backwards or struggling more with their grief. If you look at it from that perspective, then what you are feeling is perfectly normal. The one thing we all know is that this is not an easy process, nor is there a particular point in time, when we can cross that magical finish line and say, "Okay, I made it. I no longer have to feel this miserable sense of loss and grief." I wish we could, but we cannot. The other thing we know, is that given enough time, those painful moments, while still there, begin to occur a little less often and are a little less intense. I am hoping that, for you, this period of grief will pass quickly and will allow you to begin moving forward again.