SoVerySad

Adding tight hugs from me as well, L...

Well, RIFF, one or two of those things may seem silly to you now on its own, but it is the aggregate that becomes so frustrating and tiring. And that is on top of already being tired from doing it all for so long now. So, the "whining" is well-deserved and understood. Sometimes not having that partner to carry some of the burden is just too much. We had a bird in our house once. It came in with a Christmas tree we had sitting out on the porch for few hours before we brought it in to put it up. It was a nightmare to get it out. It kept flying into windows, mirrors, etc. It is humorous now to look back on, but it wasn't at the time. I hope the time you get to spend outdoors with your scouts will give you a little refreshment and that your load lightens up a little for you. Hugs...

Yes, I think there is a common misconception that once one reaches the one year mark, you've had enough time to recover. If only that false estimate could be true. Unfortunately, we know it isn't. Hugs...

The loss of control issue for me has been maddening. It seems like I modulate between frustration that I feel like I have no plan and no control or this foreign sense of apathy about it all that makes it more bearable. Clearly neither is productive for me. I have the Serenity Prayer hanging in my kitchen. I read it several times a day. I know it is a valuable perspective, however it seems the wisdom part is elusive at present.

Sending you a hug, ALD. I'm sorry for all you went through with your wife. How incredibly sad for you both to have to deal with dementia at such a young age. I used to manage a rehab and long term care facility with a specialized dementia unit. At times, I facilitated our monthly family support group. I'll always remember the anguish and exhaustion our residents' spouses were going through. My husband died from sudden death syndrome, but had been in failing health for about a decade (not cognitively, but progressive physically). For a while after he died, I couldn't recall many memories at all. We were together over 30 years from the time I was 15 years old, so I was very troubled by my lack of memories. Slowly they started to return, interestingly for me, starting with the early years of our relationship. I so hope your memories of your wife before her illness struck return to you with time.

Sending you tight hugs, Needytoo. I'm a few weeks shy of the 3 year mark myself. I also feel quite worn out. I hope you write your list tomorrow if you are feeling up to it. You have many accomplishments to be proud of. More hugs...

Hi there. If you are still up, I'm awake as well. Give me a call if you want. I'm sorry everything feels so unsure right now. Love and hugs...

Tormented, Human touch is really important, especially for those who are touchy/feely. Some people don't really like much physical touch, but if you shared a lot of physical contact with your spouse, it is hard to just suddenly stop receiving it. It seems like an essential nutrient that is now missing. Your timing posting this was interesting as yesterday I was just thinking about hiring a man just to hold me tight - nothing sexual. With my luck I'd be caught and charged with soliciting or something. T used to do this thing when I felt like things were falling apart. He would wrap his arms and as much of his body as he could tightly around me and just hold me tightly. It literally felt like he was putting all the parts of me that felt like they were falling apart back together in me - squeezing all of me back into place. I really miss it, as I'm really struggling right now with everything feeling like despite all my efforts everything I've been working on is falling apart. I'm thinking surely there is a guy out there somewhere that could use some extra gas or fun money. It would cost less than a counseling session and likely do more good. Sending you a useless but well-intentioned hug...

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend and for all her family has been and will be dealing with. I understand your thought about her at least avoiding a long life without her husband. Such sadness all around. Sending you a hug...

Sending you lots of support and love, SB!! She can't read our pms, so feel free to pm me anytime you wish to vent or need extra support.

LTSLforever, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, Steve. It sounds like you both went thru a lot. I'm also sorry about your mom's diagnosis. It is hard to understand how there can be so much hurt in this world. Those of us who have been in your position, fully understand how fitting the word excruciating is to describe such a deep loss. I hope you will find some comfort here just knowing that we understand and are here to support you. Sending you a tight, tight hug...

I'm trying to settle my nerves. My daughter woke up complaining of chest pain that radiated to her back. Worsened with her feeling dizzy and nauseous. Her band fundraiser spaghetti dinner was tonight. I had pies and soda to drop off, as well as meet family there (I had the tickets) and was taking my in-laws along. Met relatives in the parking lot, handed off tickets and the stuff I had to them, then headed to the ER. She didn't argue about going, so I know she was scared. Thankfully chest x-ray and EKG were okay. MD suggested maybe pulled muscle or mild pleurisy. I'm worn out from putting up a good front, as well as just being in that ER which I hate so much. The staff is fine, just so much time spent there with too many loved ones, etc.. So, I'm in bed getting ready to check schoolwork, wishing I had T here or anyone to just hold me really tight for a while. Widowhood sucks!

Dear Torn, please you have nothing to apologize for. We understand how painful it is and I think definitely with the 2 year anniversary approaching, it is common to feel the despair more deeply. I've noticed it being harder since the first of this month started. Even both my kids have mentioned they're feeling worse with the anniversary approaching. I also agree that our situation with your daughter, as well as your health issues, have both impacted and complicated your grief - interrupted your ability to process it. That said, there is no set timeframe for any of this. More hugs...

Hear! Hear! It is appreciated more than you know!! Hugs to each of you who makes it available...

Thank you t2b. I guess I need to approach this just as I have being a widow. When I thought I couldn't do it, I looked at those of you had been doing it and found hope that I could as well. So, I'm going to remember that you've all found a way to do this as well, so I'll keep you as my inspiration that I can as well.

Sending you a tight hug, Torn. I'll tell you what has worked for me a little, with the caveats that I believe I am further out than you (3 yrs later this month), all our experiences are different, and right now I'm going thru a very bleak and difficult time so I can't say any of this has been a magical cure for surviving being widowed. As far as music, I went thru a similar period where I just couldn't listen to it. Too painful. It was a big part of my relationship with T. It really sucked, because music had always been a refuge for me, a place to find comfort and enjoyment. Suddenly it was all sharp and jagged. For me, that just took time. Interestingly, the music I first started to be able to enjoy was music from when we first started being friends, then dating. For some reason, those earliest memories became easiest for me to remember and focus on (other than the ever present memory of his sudden death). As time as passed, I've found the joy in music again, can sing along even. Occasionally it brings me to tears, but it is manageable and more enjoyable overall than painful. As far as pictures, I know several other wids who haven't been able to look at pictures without extreme pain. I've had pictures of T and our family up everywhere as I always did before. I even took the two memory photo displays I made for his memorial service and framed them. They still hang in my hallway. At first, I would stand there looking over them, crying and reciting where each had been taken as I was so afraid I would forget at some point. Now I can honestly say that I can look at them, smiling my way through each one, really noticing the details. They are a beautiful tapestry of the lives we shared together. For me, I made a conscious decision to not allow the tragic end of our relationship to take anything away from what we had. So, perhaps I did immerse myself in those memories, etc., but I did so trying to be cognizant of the fact that while our story had a sad ending, it was a beautiful one until then. Anytime I would be remembering and start despairing over the fact it was over, I'd try to redirect my thoughts to keep the two separate - life with him and life without him. Life with him was amazing and I wasn't going to let anything alter my perception of it. Life without him completely sucks and is miserable. I am still so sad (who knew my screenname would be so appropriate still when I chose it) that I can no longer be with him (here on earth) and lonely. I doubt I will ever find love again and most days believe the best part of my life is over. That is not to say I don't hope to find joy again in other ways. But I have been able to separate my lives into separate chapters. My chapter 2 isn't a new relationship. It is a sucky new existence I continue to work to make better, but haven't made much progress with. But my Chapter 1 was amazing and I am so thankful that I can remember it with more joy than pain now. I hope you will be able to someday as well. More hugs...

I'm so glad you were able to have that experience. I can appreciate the conflict the bit of dullness brings about. This month will mark 3 years since T died. Like you I still miss him every day. For the first time last month, the 21st of the month passed without me thinking about it being 35 months since he's been gone. When I realized it, I didn't know how to feel about it. I'm sure many would think it is progress. In a way, I do as well. Yet another part of me feels sad about it as well.

Thanks, klim. Maybe I will try it again.

I'm sorry you all can relate. klim, I tried chat on the ywbb and really enjoyed the people there, unfortunately I am slow at typing and was always about 3 or 4 conversations behind so I gave up.

I've realized lately how much I miss having conversation in my life- the kind you have when you live with someone and you watch a TV show together or read something interesting, etc.. For example, today I was reading about Scott Kelly's return from a year in space and how he is now 2 inches taller (only temporary). It was a simple little thing we would have chatted about, which probably would have led to other interesting conversation. It was so nice to have someone to share their thoughts and ideas as it stretched my mind, etc.. I live with two terrific teens who spend so much time alone in their rooms doing their own things. They are 16 and 17, so I realize this is normal. Given the length of my posts here, you can probably tell I'm talkative. I'm reduced to talking about things with my cats, which is realize is not normal, LOL. Seriously, my cat Chester didn't seem to find the astronaut information interesting at all. I'm trying to make light of this, but after almost 3 years, the lack of conversation is really getting me down. Anyone else feel the same or have any ideas how to make this void more manageable?

Oh, L, I am so sorry. I would feel so devastated as well. I'm hoping you will still find those files backed up somewhere, but that doesn't help you now when you really wanted to spend time with those memories. I remember when you made those posts, crying my way through them. I wish I could remember the details you shared, but I don't. What I do remember is my thoughts reading those posts. I thought what a wonderful, loving wife you were. You supported Kenneth's choice, although I'm sure there was a part of you that didn't want to let him go. You made sure he felt completely loved, supported, dignified, and appreciated until his last breath. I remember being amazed at the strength you found within yourself and the selflessness with which you allowed him to die on his own terms. Finally, I remember thinking that we all should be so blessed to leave this life beautifully surrounded in love the way your Kenneth did. I'm sending you my love and so many hugs.

Sending you tight hugs. I turned 50 this year as well. If T were still here, I wouldn't have cared from an aging standpoint. Aging isn't bad when you're aging along with someone you love. I was 47 when T died and while I didn't want to imagine building a new life without him. being in my 40's, it still seemed possible. Hitting that 50 number made me feel like it is much harder to rebuild your life once you are 50. I felt scared as well. Now 6 months later, I've adjusted to the idea of being this age. But I truly do sympathize with your feelings about turning 50 as I had a very hard time with it as well. More hugs...

When I read this thread title and then saw who posted it, I immediately thought, "No way!!!!". You are far from cold and hardened, dear Trying. We see your compassion and tenderness regularly in your posts and responses. I've always been a compassionate person, however I admit that my patience with people complaining about comparatively insignificant issues has lessened greatly since T died. That said, when I'm in a learning or work environment, I'm usually very focused. I don't want to be distracted by others' drama or complaining. I'm almost always willing to be a listening ear or help someone out, but those conversations need to take place in the appropriate environment. You are lovely - don't doubt it. You deserve to be able to concentrate on your new endeavors. Sometimes people don't pick up on the verbal cueing, so you have to be more direct.

In a conversation with another widow yesterday, we were talking about anger & how widowhood takes us to places where you never thought you'd go. For me, swearing is one of those places. My husband would be completely shocked to hear me at times now, especially as I had never considered saying the F-word before his death. While I rarely do now, it runs thru my head frequently as I'm just so done with this experience. Someone posted this video on facebook the other day and I couldn't help to relate to the bird. Clearly I'm in the anger stage again.... WARNING: Not for listening to at work or with children around!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5ZYmvx796s Can anyone else relate?

Thanks for responding, PJ. (It is nice to hear from you.) It sounds like we are in very similar circumstances, as I, too, hate driving now. I have to force myself as there is no other option. Given your circumstances related to your husband's death, I imagine your anxiety must be very intense. Sending you hugs of support...